Runtime:
88 minutes
Directed
by: Matthew Diamond
Starring:
Creepy human-sized costumed things, plus embarrassed guest stars
Cloris Leachman, Chazz Palminteri, Toni Braxton, Cary Elwes, Jaime
Pressly, and Christopher Lloyd
From:
Kenn Viselman
Yes,
I watched a G-rated movie on Netflix Instant tonight. But, this is a
movie that became infamous for having the worst box office gross of
all time for a film released on at least 2,000 screens, earning
barely above one million dollars in total, and that was with it being
advertised well enough for me to have seen ads for it on TV before it
came out. It was a bizarre-looking thing with some famous faces in
the cast who apparently needed the money, and it was made in '09
before coming out late August of last year. The guy who was
responsible for this was one of the people who brought The
Teletubbies & Thomas the Tank Engine to the United States. With
such a story behind it, I was too damn curious and I watched it. WOW
The
best way to describe this (basically, it's like Barney mixed with Pee
Wee's Playhouse, only really bad) is to describe what I saw, so here
you go:
The
movie starts off with the three annoying-ass “heroes” we're
supposed to follow, which are creepy as hell people in goofy costumes
named Goobie, Zoozie, and Toofie. What an annoying A-hole Toofie was!
He had blonde hair and always yelled as if he was some sort of surfer
or a similar “dude”. Plus, he never wore a belt so several times
his pants would fall down. Yeah, he was basically the Theodore Rex of
the group.
Anyhow,
they have a surprise birthday party for their pink-pillowed friend
Schuluufy (yes, literally a pink pillow who sleeps all the time) but
their Hoover vacuum pal named J. Edgar loses the 5 magical balloons
and the Oogieloves have to go track down all the balloons, but not
before singing about pancakes; they get helped by Windy Window, a
chick with a Southern accent who has her face in the window and J.
Edgar would love it for her... oh wait, I mean he enjoys Ms. Willow.
The three go out on their tricycles to get all balloons, and for some
reason they bring about a grumpy goldfish named Ruffy, who actually
was the highlight of the movie. Think about that.
They
visit a giant tree where a valleygirl and her circle-obsessed
grandmother (Leachman) live. They teach a lesson that it's OK for a
kid to jump out of a tree, as long the balloon they have is
“magical”. Somehow, I think that's not a good lesson to teach.
They
visit Marvin Milkshake's restaurant; Marvin is poor Palminteri, who
acts like Andrew Dice Clay! Well, he goes “oooh!” often. He
actually sings about milkshakes. The fish wins the milkshake drinking
competition so they get that balloon. Oh, and there's also
breakdancing in this scene. Yes.
They
then visit a singer played by Toni Braxton. A good actress she is
not. They get the third balloon from her.
They
then visit a garishly dressed cowboy trucker named Bobby Wobbly
(Elwes! I don't know if I've ever felt so sorry for a man) to get the
fourth balloon. He is bubble-obsessed; don't ask. He's basically a
white Cowboy Curtis, only not as cool as that may sound.
Finally,
they visit a pair of flamenco dancers (Pressly and Lloyd; but of
course...) who ride around in a giant flying sombrero. No, I am not
on drugs, this actually happened, although I think that by this point
the scriptwriters were on drugs! Lloyd mainly communicates via
striking a bongo. I don't know why either. Anyway, a giant tulip
helps get the last balloon down from a windmill. Lloyd threatens the
goldfish after Pressly kisses it. Yes.
After
that, a contrived thing happened that isn't worth going in-depth on,
so the narcoleptic pillow wakes up and the party happens; it enjoyed
the balloons and the presents that each guest star gave to a talking
narcoleptic pillow. The end.
Overall...
despite some of the wacky things I said about the strange shit
present in this motion picture, don't watch it and please don't show
it to even your youngest kids. I have twin nephews who as of tonight
are 6 ½ months old and I wouldn't want them to watch this crap at
any age. The story is insulting even to toddlers, the situations are
eye-rolling and there are plenty of songs, none of them any good.
Your children should watch better programming... how about tracking
down old Looney Tunes or Disney cartoons? That's what I watched and
loved as a kid and they'd still be great in 2013. Don't show your
youngsters this sort of garbage.
I'll
be back Monday night.
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