Runtime:
118 minutes
Directed
by: Stephen Sommers
Starring:
Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Christopher Eccleston, Joseph
Gordon-Levitt, Dennis Quaid
From:
Paramount
Would
you believe that I had never seen this film until last night? That is
with me thinking that the sequel looked at least sort of interesting.
From what I heard this original film sounded real stupid but I didn't
think it would be agonizing to watch, and the sequel just looked
better. However, at the last minute they moved the movie back to this
weekend and along with many on the Internet we thought this was the
height of stupidity; no matter it being Paramount or the A-holes that
the crappy toy company known as Hasbro who made the call (and whether
or not it had anything to do with Battleship being a massive flop on
every level), it was such a waste of money to move it at the last
minute and it really stunk of corporate bureaucratic BS (something
that unfortunately happens all the time in Hollywood in recent years)
and it left a bad taste in my mouth.
But
not as bad a taste as the one I had when I saw this movie last night!
You
likely don't need for me to recount the plot of how two soldiers
named Duke Hauser and Ripcord (Tatum and Wayans; wow did they ever
have a homoerotic relationship and it couldn't have been planned out
that way; that's fine and all but I imagine those two characters
having the red equals sign on their Facebook and Twitter profiles...)
encounter the mysterious G.I. Joe organization, which secretly helps
out the good guys in the world and is led by General Hawk (Quaid);
they have to deal with the mysterious evil corporation known as
Cobra. The MacGuffin they want is some “impossible technology”,
but the less said about that the better.
Oh
did I hate this movie. Now, I do remember watching the cartoon way
back in the day, when I was real young. I sure as hell don't really
remember much about it, though. I hope it wasn't as stupid and
intelligence-insulting as this movie was. When the first thing you
see after the company logos is that this is set “in the not too
distant future” (next Sunday, A.D.? Should I really be reminded of
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 while watching this?) and that the main
technology everyone wants is known as “nanomites” and somehow it
can eat through steel and they can be controlled via massive
contrivances, I knew I was in trouble. But Holy Christ was this
terrible. The story was just putrid and nonsensical. The worst kind
of action movie, you know, one so dumb I can't even enjoy it due to
how insulting it was. Then there was the dialogue... the dialogue was
horrible! They speak like no human does in real life, the alleged
jokes weren't funny in the least, and you see “impossible
technology” throughout... they would have been better off saying,
“This is set in an alternate universe” in the beginning instead
of reminding people of MST3K.
While
the computer effects look good (even if I was often reminded of a PS3
or Xbox 360 game) and the action was usually fine, and the women in
the cast weren't bad-looking in general, the movie was just way too
stupid and intelligence-insulting for my tastes. I have a feeling
many action fans will disagree but this just was not an enjoyable
movie at all for me to watch. I've mentioned it before but I don't
always hate extraordinarily stupid action movies; look at my review of Fast Five. This G.I. Joe movie was just no fun for me. Then again
maybe I expected too much from a film which has characters named
Storm Shadow, Baron di Cobray, Dr. Mindbender, Heavy Duty, and my
favorite in HARD MASTER, but I still stand by what I say.
Lord
I REALLY hope the sequel is better than this and isn't so damn
stupid. I'll be back Saturday afternoon.
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