Runtime:
86 minutes (that's how long my copy was; IMDb has the time wrong)
Directed
by: Dale Trevellion
Starring:
John Matuszak, Ronny Cox, Charles Napier, Richard Lynch (RIP)
From:
Shapiro Glickenhaus Entertainment
I
really have to thank the Bad Movie Fiends podcast for finding this
obscure film and doing a detailed review of it. They said so many
amazing things I just had to check it out. It took some effort (as
it's not on any streaming video site) but after going through the
bowls of the Internet I found a copy-I'll skip the details as to how
I got it-and I watched this late 80's actioneer and I was blown away,
as those guys left out many more amazing details.
To
explain, the movie stars former NFL player turned after Matuszak; he
was a giant of a man at 6 foot 8 and at least 300 pounds of muscle.
He was usually the supporting role and was on TV often. He's best
known for being heavily made-up as Sloth in The Gonnies. Sad to say
he passed away the year this movie came out; he was a BIG party
animal and I mean he did drugs along with boozing it up and those
demons got to him. This was a rare starring role and this was quite
the success, especially if you enjoy cheesy yet fun low-budget action
movies from the 80's.
The
plot isn't too complex: John plays JAKE SWAN, a cop who has Sam Jones
(yes, Flash from the Flash Gordon movie) as a partner. Sam gets
killed in an ambush and this makes Jake quite angry, so he seeks
revenge against the bad guys, who have a standard plot for why
they're doing evil things. Jake also interacts with Sam's wife and
teenaged son. Also, a character played by 80's one hit wonder Stacey
Q. (yes; as an actress she's a good singer) gets involved.
From
that came solid gold. I should note first that I saw this movie on
Monday, the night before Mr. Lynch's body was discovered in his home.
RIP to the longtime actor who was the heavy in so many films; he had
a unique look due to him apparently setting himself on fire in the
late 60's while high on LSD. It was sad to hear he had died. He may
be best known for being the big bad guy in the hilariously 80's
Invasion U.S.A., where he did battle against Chuck Norris.
After
I officially sign off I'll give my share of spoilers on why I thought
this was an amazing movie but this was SO 80's. I mean, the music is
cheesy yet awesome. Many people die. You hear some rather
preposterous one-liners... which make them great. Adidas and Pepsi
paid money to appear in the movie so you see their products shown
often. A giant man wearing a dark blue tracksuit where the top is
zipped down to the belly button? Why not! That same man drinking out
of a 2 liter bottle of Slice as if it was a 20 ounce bottle? Sure!
You see several stunt people do some crazy things. And there's a 5
minute gay bar scene... my God. It had to be the most astounding 5
minute scene I've ever watched; at least 10 things left me
gobsmacked.
If
you love low-budget 80's action, this is a MUST SEE. It's just a damn
shame that this will be incredibly hard to track down unless you
order it from Amazon. Where else will you see Charles Napier get
punched in the cock and then get called a “fuckwad”? Only this
film has Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds play an Asian stock broker, as only Asians are smart enough to hack and look for confidential information on a computer in the 80's. In what other movie can
you see a huge man use his size and strength to his (and the movie's)
advantage, doing such things as taking a guy who is chained to a dog
collar around his neck, spin him and the guy around in a circle so
that the small man is horozontal, then use him while spinning around
as a weapon to knock away attacking cross-dressers? Yes, that happens
in this majestic film.
I'll
be back tomorrow afternoon with one review... and then tomorrow night
with another review. Yes. Below be some spoilers.
He gets suspended from the force for being a loose cannon and wanting revenge. He decides to become a private detective and gets hired by a guy claiming to work for Leah Jennings, played by Stacey Q., who gets kidnapped. I won't get into the whole plot of what the bad guys do as it's rather standard but yet it's acceptable. Point is, he ends up at a place known as Blue Leather Bar which yes is a gay bar and OH. MY. GOD., this scene...
* You see what may be some of the greatest few minutes I've seen in my history of seeing movies. This gay bar is like the ones in Cruising combined with an 80's nightclub. Awful 80's music gets played as a band led by a chick in leather with a whip fake play along to the song. There's a guy dancing along in a giant birdcage and he's only in black briefs. The way the customers dress is varied and ranges from outright cross-dressing to leather to just some strange outfits. Of course, Jake gets hit on but he brushes him aside without using any homophobic slurs, which is good. The bartender is a black midget who looks like Rick James, jheri curl wig and all.
* Oh, and another black guy is leading around via dogchain tied to the neck a 5 foot tall white guy WHO IS WEARING A SAFARI OUTFIT, COMPLETE WITH HAT.
* Anyhow, one of the bad guys (who looks like a cross between Freddie Mercury and 80's era Edward James Olmos) spots Jake so he gets some goons to go after him. What does the lead good say? Why, "Are you boys up for a little GANGBANG?" Then, the guy leading safari dude around on a chain loudly proclaims, "It's Friday night, let's PAR-TAY!" and that's when my mind got blown.
* A cross-dresser tries to literally flying dropkick Jake, but misses. Then, he literally gets dogpiled on and is flat on the ground. Suddenly he Hulks up and shakes everyone off. Black guy gets kicked in the dick so thus Jake gets hold of the chain that is around safari guy's neck and well...
* Jake starts spinning around, which lifts up safari guy in the air and he is used as a weapon to knock everyone away (including bouncing off the walls in a crazy way) as if Jake was doing the hammer toss as the Olympics. YES. Safari guy gets tossed to the top of the birdcage, where he gets whipped by that faux singer.
* Charles Napier and big bald Jim Henry from Hard Times help Jake out... they go outside; however, a tranny is on top of Jake, her body sitting on his shoulders. As he goes outside, the doorway is too short, so the tranny crashes HARD onto the ground!
* Once they get outside they attack him as they want to kick his ass themselves. That's when the cockpunching occurs and...
* That has to be the greatest 5 minutes I've ever seen in cinematic history. It was so strange and so monkeyshit insane it became awesome.
* What follows can't possibly top that scene but it's still tremendous. Characters try to peep into a keyhole to see a pair of characters have loud sex! Jake romances the girl of another baddie; the actress's name according to the credits is BLUEBERRY. That's not the character name; that is what the actress said her name was. She has a fake French accent. He seduces her by saying that his dick is proportionate to the rest of his body!
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