Conan the Destroyer

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Runtime: 103 minutes

Directed by: Richard Fleischer

Starring: The returning Arnold & Mako, along with the likes of Wilt Chamberlain, Olivia D’Abo, Tracey Walter, and Grace Jones

From: Universal

This is no Conan the Barbarian… but as silly as the film is, I can still say that Destroyer was fine.

The movie is to its credit not a carbon copy of Barbarian. Sure, the tone is notably lighter, Conan is made to look a fool while drunk, and there’s odious comic relief in Tracey Walter (he at least can fight and kill people so I can’t get too mad) but despite toning down the violence in an attempt to garner a larger audience, the movie is still fine even if it feels generic in comparison.

The main plot of a film is a quest; Sarah Douglas is a queen who asks Conan and another wacky group of characters to bring virginal Olivia D’Abo along to retrieve an item… but it’s to resurrect a horrible entity portrayed by an uncredited Andre the Giant in a great Carlo Rambaldi costume. Conan’s crew was larger than in Barbarian. Besides Conan and D’Abo, there’s the queen’s bodyguard Wilt Chamberlin-the only acting role for the extremely tall basketball legend-Walter, the returning Mako, and soon joining them is Grace Jones. As always, she’s a striking presence and believable as a female warrior. They all contributed along the way during the journey.

I was still entertained nevermind the potential for something more akin to the first film or the original novels. Perhaps I’m a simple man but at least in 2026, I can greatly appreciate practical effects, scenic locations (the rural Mexican locations were scenic), and violence that proved the movie’s PG rating was right before PG-13 was created… one dude has arterial blood spraying from him and someone else was beheaded. Some nice sets were built and while not legendary, Basil Poledouris’s score was still good.

Of course, the movie is not as raw & visceral as Barbarian; the negative reception is understandable. I’ll make the blind assumption that the film is more to my tastes than the 2011 Conan the Barbarian remake. I’ll mention two random details that might only amuse me:

1. If you know what Wilt Chamberlain is most famous for aside from his basketball accomplishments, the casting of him as a bodyguard who needs D’Abo to stay virginal for the sake of her sacrifice… it’s hysterical.

2. I’m glad an old YouTube video is still available online after all these years. If you search for “Dead or Alive ~ You Spin Me Round (Conan the Destroyer)”, someone place that 80’s classic tune over footage of Conan fighting in a hall of mirrors against a man-creature who literally spins Conan around at one point. That was the only thing on my line when viewing that scene in the film.