Diamonds Are Forever

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Runtime: 120 minutes

Directed by: Guy Hamilton

Starring: Sean Connery, Jill St. John, Charles Gray, Bruce Cabot

From: UA


You know, this movie managed to be worse than the first time I watched it!

As I alluded to before, I was never a fan of this movie, despite there being people out there who rate this rather highly. I wish I could see what they did. I just don’t quite get it.

In this entry, I presume it’s a direct follow-up to On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, as the opening has Bond on the warpath after Blofeld (this time, Gray) for killing his newlywed bride Tracy. He tracks down Blofeld and kills him… only it’s a ruse, as he somehow was able to have various people perform plastic surgery to look exactly like him. That’s not the only eye-rolling “oh come on” moment of the plot. From there the story starts, and it’s nonsense about diamonds being smuggled by a mysterious person, thought to be Howard Hughe… oh wait, I mean Willard Whyte (Jimmy Dean; as an actor, he made good sausages) and the action moves from Holland to Las Vegas; it turns out the acquiring of the diamonds was actually for a satellite… WITH LASERS! Sorry for the Austin Powers reference, but at times I swore I was watching one of those movies rather than a Bond production. The camp value here was rather high, regrettably.

That’s about all I have to say about the confused plot. I’ll say that it isn’t all that entertaining to watch, although a few times you’ll probably laugh for the sheer WTF value. Some of the acting left a lot to be desired. Lana Wood, as “Plenty O’Toole”, had acting ability that was the inverse of her impressive cleavage. Actually, I hope that in her other movies she acted better than she did here. I hope she acted even half as well as her sister Natalie did. Oh well, at least the two were fine-looking ladies in their heyday.

The only two performances I thought were interesting were the unusual Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, played by Bruce Glover and Putter Smith. Looks-wise you can easily tell that Crispin is his son, and judging by the performance, I have a feeling strangeness runs in that family. Putter Smith was a jazz bassist, so I have no idea why he was chosen for this role, unless it was for his distinctive look. The duo had an odd chemistry and yet it works, and the jazz guy wasn’t a bad actor either. Apparently, judging by a throwaway line, the duo happened to be homosexuals. Why that was included, I don’t know, as it meant nothing for anything you see. That’s one of many questions I have with this movie.

Even the action-something I tend to count on with most Bond movies-wasn’t too great here, aside from an entertaining fight in an old elevator. Otherwise it didn’t do much for me, and the strangest moment for me was Bond fighting two acrobatic chicks named Bambi and Thumper. See what I mean about camp? Aside from it being interesting to look at how Las Vegas was back 40 years ago, this movie is just not good. It’s definitely the worst of the Bond movies that Connery was in. I am not counting Never Say Never Again, as that’s not an official Bond movie in canon, and plus it’s even worse than this one!

Speaking of that, here’s the Connery Bond movies ranked from worst to best in my opinion, and I included the links to the reviews I did before.

6. Diamonds Are Forever
5. Thunderball
4. You Only Live Twice
3. Dr. No
2. Goldfinger
1. From Russia With Love

I don’t know when but I’ll try to make it not too long before I get to the Roger Moore Bond flicks. I’ll be back Sunday night with a new review.