One Tough Bastard

One Tough Bastard (1996)

Runtime: 100 minutes

Directed by: Kurt Wimmer (yeah, the guy who directed Equilibrium)

Starring: Brian Bosworth, Bruce Payne, Jeff Kober, M.C. Hammer

From: Live Entertainment

The fact is, it wasn’t until recently that I had even heard of this obscure 90's action flick. It wasn’t long ago that I was on IMDb and I was looking up a film. I scrolled down and noticed that a film entitled One Tough Bastard (no kidding) was linked to it. They had a DVD cover of it for the image, and the guy looked like Dolph Lundgren so of course I was intrigued. I went to the movie’s page and saw that it was actually Brian Bosworth* and the movie was otherwise known as One Man’s Justice, although from here on out I’ll call it One Tough Bastard, as that is a great title. It's from 1996. Besides The Boz, there was M.C. Gainey (in a cameo), Bruce Payne-the villain in Passenger 57-and most hilariously of all, M.C. HAMMER. Suddenly, I needed to find this movie to watch it. Even better, it was directed by Kurt Wimmer. Yeah, the guy who gave us Equilibrium, but also Ultraviolet.

• If you don’t recognize the name, he was a highly regarded college football player in the 80’s who was full of charisma and he was supposed to be a big star in the NFL, but he didn’t live up to expectations there. He starred in a few movies, as he’s not a bad-looking guy and he’s in shape.

I watched it online (hey, I’m being honest; someone uploaded it to YouTube, so why not?) and while it’s wacky at times, it’s no Stone Cold, which is Bosworth’s most famous (or infamous) film in action circles.

The film is the typical revenge story about The Boz-who plays a Sergeant in the Army-going after the people responsible for killing his ex-wife and their young daughter. As the main dude involved is a member of the FBI, that's quite the pickle. Bruce Payne (sporting some tremendous long flowing locks) is the heel FBI dude. Would YOU believe an FBI agent with long flowing locks and a nose ring? Then again, for reasons unknown for me, sometimes he’s referred to as a cop! I have no idea why either.

Besides what I mentioned at the time, the highlights include:

• So, the plot revolves around “superguns”. Trust me, it’s not really important.

• A guy who got kicked right in the dick pukes due to this action.

• One of Bruce Payne’s henchmen looks a lot like pro wrestler Mick Foley.

• One of those picture books filled with tattoos that you find at a tattoo
parlor… that can be used as a weapon to knock someone on their ass! Also, it’s normal to drink a 40 while you’re getting inked.

• It’s very easy to break into an FBI agent’s office.

• M.C. Hammer tries to be Nino Brown (Wesley Snipes's character in New Jack City); it doesn’t work.

• So, the Boz’s buddy to help him along… a 12 year old gangbanger wannabe who gets used by The Boz to “spread rumors” to help him in his mission. No kidding.

• Apparently, lighting the nozzle end of a gas dispenser at a gas station won’t cause a wild out of control thing where you likely light your ass on fire. Rather, you can easily dispense the fire on some chump you want to burn, literally.

The movie sounds like cheese of the highest order, and I can’t deny it, it’s true. Yet I was so perplexed by the overtly-convoluted plot that I couldn’t get that much enjoyment out of it, even though the action stuff was acceptable-enough and Payne hammed it up as if his name was Porky Pig with his acting and odd one-liners. Eh, oh well. You should watch Stone Cold instead; it's also on YouTube. It's just unfortunate that a great title like One Tough Bastard was given to this movie instead of something from the likes of Steven Seagal or Dolph Lundgren during their best days.

I'll be back on Friday night.