V/H/S/ 94

V/H/S 94 (2021)

Runtime: 103 minutes

Directed by: Various people

Starring: Various actors, most of whom I have never seen before

From: Various companies that should be embarrassed for themselves

Why do I do this to myself?

The only reason I saw this was that I've seen the previous three-nevermind that I did not like the first one, its first sequel, and like most other people thought that Viral was rather atrocious. The initial two at least had a segment or two that wasn't bad-unfortunately, the rest of it was either bad or so damn putrid that it sank the entire enterprise. Unlike most people, the Safe Haven segment in V/H/S 2 was not something I liked at all. I did not give a damn about how “violent” or “gory” it was when the characters were all not just A-holes, but incompetent A-holes. I was hoping for something better here-unlike what the majority seems to think, this was also rather intolerable.

It is rather amazing how the franchise is 0 for 4 on creating framing stories that are NOT total abominations. The old anthologies did those so much better than this modern crap. This time, a SWAT team does a raid on a suspected drug lab, only for it to get out of hand... of course, all the law enforcement are jerks and drop the F bomb way too often. Only afterwards did I realize it was a sign of what was to come: segments full of unpleasant, stupid people who are foul-mouthed and made for people I did not want to see whatsoever.

The first segment involved an urban legend of a RAT MAN; at first that started off fine but devolved into something lame, with a dumb “shocking” climax. The second was in a funeral parlor and while an interesting setting, it ended up being a cure for insomnia before having an even worse conclusion. The longest section was again the one directed by Timo Tjahjanto; it was the least worst I suppose. Unfortunately it also had law enforcement which were foul-mouthed jerks and it devolved into OOT nonsense. The last involved a militia and look, those right-wing loonies deserve condemnation. But, they were portrayed as utter buffoons to the point of utter unbelievably they could do any semi-complicated task correctly; it was lame. This does have variety and different ideas, yet the way they were executed almost made me wish for the filmmakers to be executed!

Ultimately, this was just no fun for me. From the very beginning this was just unpleasant and no amount of over the top gore will disguise that fact. As bizarre as Malignant was for example, there was much joy to be had in its wackiness. This in contrast had stupid characters that were thoroughly detestable, was crass with all its foul language and squandered good or unique premises. I wish I could see what most others see that is “good” in this franchise but I suppose it will never be comprehended by myself... alas.