Snake Eater

Snake Eater (1989)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Directed by: George Erschbamer

Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Josie Scott, Ronnie Hawkins, Larry Csonka, Ron Palillo (yes, Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter)

From: Carota

Before last night I really had no clue what I was going to watch and review next. Then, I took a spin around the dial to see what was on the pay cable channels. I then noticed this film playing; I quickly got a VHS tape; I know, I know… I then taped it and watched it this afternoon. This was something I saw a long time ago when I was young. I didn’t remember too much about it besides one dude sort of resembling 80’s wrestler Jimmy Jam Garvin and of course, the presence of a decent amount of nudity.

So, after watching this Canadian movie, I can tell you that it’s definitely low-budget and boy, is it not good, and yet I was able to laugh at it and have a good time. By the way, I don't know if "Snake Eaters" is a real term to describe a certain segment of the Marines as this movie says. If Metal Gear Solid took the name of one of its sequels from this movie... wow.

Basically, Lorenzo Lamas (i.e. "Soldier"; that's all that he's called, even by his sister) is on the hunt for the Rob Zombie redneck characters who kidnapped his sister and murdered their parents. Here's the "highlights":

The movie starts off with a drug bust, and former pro football star Larry Csonka and another dude are listening in via wire. Soldier gets a chick to strip, and we get to see her jugs. They look nice, but the chick had a big scar in the middle of her chest. Did she have open heart surgery? Anyway, two bad guys come in and they end up getting nailed (literally) by nails that shoot up through the wooden floor. Oh, and Csonka pisses in a styrofoam cup filled with coffee and hands it to a bum walking by.

An old guy on a pier flies off it on his bike... and this serves as a distraction for Soldier, which he needs in a fist-fight. That's right, the distraction an old guy comes up with to help his pal is to ride his bike into a river.

Soldier's own bike gets turned into a hybrid with a jet ski. Don't ask. Really, just don't ask.

One of the bad guys dresses up like a bear to kill people. Again...

Another bad guy looks like a buffed version of either King Kong Bundy or Curly from The Three Stooges. I can't decide which is the best description.

The sister in the redneck family looks like an even worse version of Sandra Bernhardt.

Everything about it is so low-rent and rinky-dink, and yet I can't help but enjoy it for those reasons. It's not boring, I'll give you that. It's just crappy, that's all. You don't need to know that he meets up with those Rob Zombie characters and gets his revenge, do you?

The movie actually ends with another sting that isn't related to the main story. It's just to show off that Soldier hasn't changed. It features Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter as an arsonist nicknamed Torchy! What a movie this was.

I'll be back Friday night with a new review.