Surviving Edged Weapons

Surviving Edged Weapons (198?)

Runtime: 85 minutes

Directed by: Dennis Anderson

From: Calibre Press

I can’t give any further info on this, as it’s a video made for law enforcement (made in Illinois/Wisconsin but they must have used only Canadian “actors”, given that many have Canadian accents that are REALLY strong) that got uploaded to a forum I won’t name as it’s a place to download obscure movies (including some that I’ve reviewed already), so “shhh” there. This won’t count as a regular movie review as it’s not even listed in IMDb. It’s just something different for me to write about.

Like I said, it was made for law enforcement to learn how to avoid attacks by edged weapons such as broken beer bottles, knives, swords, shurikens (!), and other wacky weapons. You get interviews with cops about getting hurt on the job, along with reenactments (if they didn’t make up this shit, which wouldn’t surprise me) that are the highlight of it for me. It’s unintentionally funny to watch them. A lot of it looks fine considering what had to be a low-budget shoot, but it still has an air of campiness to it, especially when watching it now compared to the 80’s when it was filmed, and yeah, some of the acting IS howlingly bad.

Not too surprisingly, clips from the video (but not the full video itself) can be found online. For example, there is this 90 second deal which includes my favorite part-a guy who looks like vintage-era Van Damme but with a unibrow getting stabbed in the face; no way would that happen to the real life JCVD-and then there is this video, which is more of a parody but still amusing and you see plenty of the reenactments to whet your appetite.

Sure, you could get it on Amazon, but you’d have to pay 140 bucks (!) for the VHS tape. Eh, no thanks there. I’m glad I illegally got it, and I have no shame in saying that. From unibrow Van Damme to the opening involving cavemen attacking each other (?) to all the blood and viscera that is shown, to the droll narration to even a pair of cops busting a woman worshipping Satan in a barren room but with a giant poster of Iron Maiden advertising The Trooper (!!!)… it’s all great.

I know I shouldn’t laugh at something meant to be serious to an important part of our society such as law enforcement, but me and other people just can’t help themselves. I’ll be back on Friday night, and this time it’ll be my usual review concerning an actual motion picture.