Elves

Elves (1989)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Directed by: Jeffrey Mandel

Starring: Dan Haggerty, Deanna Lund, Dan Carpenter, Julie Austen

From: Action International Pictures

Oh, what a movie to talk about on Christmas night. I first heard about it a long while ago, then on various sites I heard it brought up for being so batsh*t insane. I finally tracked down a copy of it earlier in the year, and then watched it recently.

It IS batsh*t insane.

Check out the synopsis given on its IMDb page:

"A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, (in) an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them."

As strange as that sounds, also note that Haggerty is an alcoholic who smokes often, there’s incest in more than one way, pets being drowned in the toilet, Paganism, and oh yeah, the plot being that the “supermen” are half human and half elf! Not to mention, the vintage Guns N’ Roses t-shirt that’s worn as a night shirt, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles PJ’s that a young boy wears. Yet, this cracked-out plot is actually taken seriously.

Haggerty (famous back in the 70’s for playing Grizzly Adams on TV; he must have fallen on really hard times to appear in this) plays someone who-ironically-had fallen on hard times himself. He was a cop but lost the badge due to his alcoholism. He becomes a store Santa in the department store that his buddy owns. Grizzly even lives there at night as he also become homeless. Upbeat and cheery, I know. That is mixed with the story of the “last pureblood Aryan virgin” (Austen) who with her friends accidentally awakens the elf in a Hellraiser-esque manner that causes so much havoc. The title creature actually doesn't look bad by low-budget standards. It doesn't do too much, though.

The neo-Nazi’s find the creature and with its help it tries to have the elf mate with Austen so that the super race-of likely short creatures-can begin. If that isn’t strange enough, there is the last pureblood Aryan virgin having a younger brother and he spies on his sister taking a shower, and she gets mad. He responds in a profane way and comments on her large breasts! There’s also the virgin and her buddies, who have the stereotypical 80’s hair and lingo, and that is hilarious in 2010.

What a strange story that needed a LOT of pruning and fine-trimming before it made its way to film. But, the biggest problem is that aside from Haggerty, most of the other characters you just can’t stand. It’s “heat” but in a bad way, rather than in a good villain or “mean parents” sort of way. It’s still a howlingly bad movie that you can enjoy watching, but it’d be even more of a gas if the characters wouldn't have been such turn-offs.

I'll be back Friday the 31st for the last review of the year.