Conan the Destroyer

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Runtime: 103 minutes

Directed by: Richard Fleischer

Starring: The returning Arnold & Mako, along with the likes of Wilt Chamberlain, Olivia D’Abo, Tracey Walter, and Grace Jones

From: Universal

This is no Conan the Barbarian… but as silly as the film is, I can still say that Destroyer was fine.

The movie is to its credit not a carbon copy of Barbarian. Sure, the tone is notably lighter, Conan is made to look a fool while drunk, and there’s odious comic relief in Tracey Walter (he at least can fight and kill people so I can’t get too mad) but despite toning down the violence in an attempt to garner a larger audience, the movie is still fine even if it feels generic in comparison.

The main plot of a film is a quest; Sarah Douglas is a queen who asks Conan and another wacky group of characters to bring virginal Olivia D’Abo along to retrieve an item… but it’s to resurrect a horrible entity portrayed by an uncredited Andre the Giant in a great Carlo Rambaldi costume. Conan’s crew was larger than in Barbarian. Besides Conan and D’Abo, there’s the queen’s bodyguard Wilt Chamberlin-the only acting role for the extremely tall basketball legend-Walter, the returning Mako, and soon joining them is Grace Jones. As always, she’s a striking presence and believable as a female warrior. They all contributed along the way during the journey.

I was still entertained nevermind the potential for something more akin to the first film or the original novels. Perhaps I’m a simple man but at least in 2026, I can greatly appreciate practical effects, scenic locations (the rural Mexican locations were scenic), and violence that proved the movie’s PG rating was right before PG-13 was created… one dude has arterial blood spraying from him and someone else was beheaded. Some nice sets were built and while not legendary, Basil Poledouris’s score was still good.

Of course, the movie is not as raw & visceral as Barbarian; the negative reception is understandable. I’ll make the blind assumption that the film is more to my tastes than the 2011 Conan the Barbarian remake. I’ll mention two random details that might only amuse me:

1. If you know what Wilt Chamberlain is most famous for aside from his basketball accomplishments, the casting of him as a bodyguard who needs D’Abo to stay virginal for the sake of her sacrifice… it’s hysterical.

2. I’m glad an old YouTube video is still available online after all these years. If you search for “Dead or Alive ~ You Spin Me Round (Conan the Destroyer)”, someone place that 80’s classic tune over footage of Conan fighting in a hall of mirrors against a man-creature who literally spins Conan around at one point. That was the only thing on my line when viewing that scene in the film.

Kaleidoscope

This is a 2023 Netflix limited series of 8 episodes devoted to a heist & its aftermath which has quite the gimmick: 

This is the order I chose to watch the episodes in: 

Green
Blue
Orange
White
Yellow
Red
Violet
Pink

For those unaware, I mention that for a specific reason. I’ll explain at the end how I discovered the 8 episode show on Netflix from a full three years ago that I somehow never heard a thing about until a few months ago… what intrigued me was the show’s gimmick. This surrounds a heist done by Giancarlo Esposito, who recruits some wacky goofballs to steal non-negotiable bearer bonds (yes, Die Hard is specifically mentioned) being held by Rufus Sewell, who is a CEO of a corporate security firm but is a rat bastard who turned against Esposito many years ago.

The gimmick is that the episodes are titled after different colors, and the viewer is given free will to watch the episodes in any order they desire. Judging by older reviews, it appeared that Netflix originally didn’t give you as much free will and apparently forced you to view the heist episode last-I’m a little confused about that as there’s no restrictions regarding that now but regardless, I was glad to pick my own order. 

Perhaps I could have been more adventurous and started with White (the heist itself) first then gone in a random order, or even watch it in reverse chronological order as if it was Memento; instead, what I chose wasn’t that bold yet still wasn’t in chronological order so I shouldn’t second-guess myself. Of course I have nitpicks; the dialogue wasn’t always great and I’m not just talking about all the foul language although yes that was a problem also. Modern “humor” was sometimes present-naturally that didn’t make me laugh all that often.

Be that as it may, even with the nonsensical/baffling moments and a logic flaw or two, my opinion of the enterprise was still positive. While I’m not sure the gimmick was best for this heist story, I still enjoyed the gimmick and the option of choice. People don’t have to follow the order I selected—except that Pink (the last chronologically) is likely better seen last. I was still interested in the heist and its aftermath-it isn’t a spoiler to mention that things don’t go as planned.

At least some will appreciate the diversity in the cast; there’s an important character that’s bi and her wife is either bi or a lesbian, along with several different ethnicities on display. I was entertained by Kaleidoscope, the dark tone, and (in general) the twists throughout. It was preferable to many of the original movies released by Netflix. People may still look down on Jai Courtney due to how Hollywood used him. Between this and Dangerous Animals, he should have played similar villain parts while in America. 

Of most interest to me was the choice old soul songs that played throughout the series; other genres are also heard but it’s mainly old soul music, most of which I knew the artists but not the deep cuts that were chosen. Props to whoever was responsible for suggesting the usage of Melting Pot by Booker T & The MG’s along with tunes from Solomon Burke, OV Wright, Irma Thomas, Esther Phillips, etc. It certainly beat most of the lazy needle-drops we get in modern cinema. I get why Kaleidoscope did not work for everyone but I liked the show, and more than just for the gimmick or its soundtrack.

As for how I discovered this show just a few months ago: discussion on a messageboard surrounded the career of Robert Townsend after I saw I’m Gonna Get You Sucka. Him directing two episodes of this show was brought up; ever since, I’ve had the idea to give Kaleidoscope a shot… I’m glad that happened.

Conan the Barbarian, Revisited

Of course I'm referring to the 1982 movie: 

Getting to see Conan the Barbarian theatrically last night was a grand old time. I’ve watched it on previous occasions and even wrote a review for the film a few years ago; however, this was the first time on the big screen. Regal Cinemas has continued the practice of showing one older movie a night most nights; for my wallet’s sake I wish AMC would have done that instead so my A-List app could be used but alas.

The movie is still an epic adventure which is more than just Arnold Schwarzenegger getting revenge on the SOB’s that murdered his parents & his village, then was sold into slavery. It’s a tale where a hulking mass of humanity becomes a badass but he isn’t infallible-he has assistance from a wacky group of people he meets along the way. There are still struggles as his foe (Thulsa Doom) and his minions aren’t pathetic simpering laughable weaklings-instead they are formidable foes yet his bloodlust for revenge allows for a rampage in a variety of exotic locations in an alien world where “giant snakes” are one of the enemies-as many films have done through history, the natural scenery of Spain allowed for a cornucopia of different genres to be filmed in the country.

While not exactly what Robert E. Howard brought to the page when he created the pulp novel character Conan the Barbarian, writer/director/madman John Milius brought to life one hell of a pulp hero for the silver screen. Conan was a man of few words-his presence and how he was presented spoke volumes… it was a great physical performance-but was still a sword-wielding badass who was easy to root for as he engaged in a series of adventures with or without his companions. Doom was a great villain, and James Earl Jones naturally added plenty of gravitas to the role as the evil leader with cult leader overtones. It was also nice seeing Max von Sydow for a few minutes; he asked our gang to retrieve his manipulated daughter from Doom; the quest aspect of course is another common trope in this genre.

Milius and Oliver Stone (but apparently it was mostly the former’s script that appeared on screen) used a mix of many different sources-the novels, the operas of Richard Wagner, a ghost story that was used in the film Kwaidan, etc.-to create an unforgettable, distinctive world that was brought to live via great practical sets and great practical effects in a well-directed film. Even better than getting to experience a mature, masculine story (there’s no shortage of women sans clothing seen throughout) on the big screen with the impressive visuals: hearing the rousing, heroic, bold score from Basil Poledouris. That’s an all-timer of a score-it was a key component in making the film a compelling journey.

As I mention that it won’t be too long before I finally discuss Conan the Destroyer on Letterboxd, I’ll mention a few last details:

* A belated RIP to Renato Casaro, a famed Italian artist who created a number of legendary posters for films (including Conan the Barbarian). He deserves credit for helping sell a movie to the general public. I should also give a belated RIP to Drew Struzan, another artist who created legendary film posters. Imagine being a legend who gave us the posters to Star Wars, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Back to the Future, AND E.T.

* The auditorium was ice-cold for the screening. Not ideal, although it made the opening minutes in that snowy landscape a 4D experience!

* I was not expecting COSPLAY at this showing yet it happened. Note that it wasn’t an elaborate get-up you’d expect at a comic-con. Rather, a dude wore his version of tunics, faux wrist-guards and a cheap horned Viking helmet. While no one in the film looked like that costume, I was still charmed. Hopefully he and his girl had as much fun seeing Conan the Barbarian on the big screen as I did.

 

Avatar: Fire & Ash

Avatar: Fire & Ash (2025)

66% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 337 reviews)

Runtime: A LONG 197 minutes

Directed by: James Cameron

Starring: The usual faces, plus the true highlight in an underutilized Oona Chaplin

From: 20^th Century Studios

No one's more surprised than me that I was finally let down by a James Cameron film.

Prefacing needs to occur first. This would have been watched sooner after release like I did with the first two-my schedule prevented that for a variety of reasons. It wasn't a lack of interest-simplistic plots aside, the first two Avatar movies were enjoyable. The audio and especially the visuals were naturally the standouts but I didn't mind the plots. Regrettably, that changed this time. The audience experience at the IMAX 3D screening wasn't the greatest-however, even if I was alone viewing the film on the world's largest IMAX screen, my opinion likely would be the same.

A huge problem: while I still enjoy the kids (including Spider)-constant usage of “bro” aside-this time around, I shouldn't be hating both Jake Sully and his old lady, yet that's what occurred here. Both were idiotic, insufferable fools who made moronic choice after moronic choice. So was the tribe from the second film, whose domicile they were still residing at. Before anyone retorts, yes I realize that they (along with the Ash tribe introduced in this movie) were the most blatant examples of the Native American allegory Cameron has always pushed. That did not make for an entertaining movie, IMO.

That Ash tribe-especially their badass lady leader Varang-were captivating. I understood their motivations and she was a dominant badass. Unfortunately, they then suddenly weren't so captivating and that was a major letdown. Many bad, baffling choices were made throughout, the number of convenient moments utterly staggering. In addition, even by Cameron standards, some of the dialogue and one-liners were rather putrid, especially for the scenarios where those lines were uttered. The fact that it seemed like little had changed from The Way of Water and the movie too often felt like a rehash of The Way of Water: that was also a huge issue.

This time around, the audio/visual component and some entertaining action did not make up for the plot (which constantly spun its wheels and felt totally stale compared to the grandeur of the first two pictures) and characters. Furthermore, for a movie 197 minutes in length, I shouldn't have felt like scenes were missing, so jagged was the story at times. I shouldn't have been confused so often at how we got from one scene to the next. An additional issue was how the movie felt longer than Satantango-RIP Bela Tarr.

All that plus an utterly preposterous final 15 to 20 minutes before the end credits finally hit-there's no need for me to ever watch the film in full again. Of course, I left as soon as those end credits rolled; to make another unpopular comment, I wanted to avoid the “song” from the utterly loathsome Miley Cyrus, the former Blackface artist and perpetually disgusting, vile creature. At least I can laugh that she looks like a 50-year old woman now!

But back on topic... Oona Chaplin and Stephen Lang are innocent of all charges. They share none of the blame for the failings of the film. As I've said too often in recent years, I'm glad that most others love the film but sadly, that love can't be shared by me. Aside from nice visuals and characters that were interesting at first, I'm happy to forget most of Fire & Ash.

 

Mogambo

Mogambo (1953)

Runtime: 116 minutes

Directed by: John Ford

Starring: Clark Gable, Ava Gardner, Grace Kelly, Donald Sinden, Philip Stainton

From: MGM

It was time for me to clear some space on the DVR, to see more John Ford, and to talk about an older film for the Letterboxd mutuals that mainly watch older films. I had this on the DVR since August so it was time. I have seen Red Dust, the 1932 film that was the first time the story was brought to the silver screen, and Clark Gable reprised his lead role.

Like in Red Dust, he was of the grouchy sort. Unlike the Indochina setting of Red Dust, Mogambo was set and filmed in Africa. Gable was a big game hunter-I know, that’ll be a deal-breaker for some even if he captures animals to sell to zoos rather than killing them for sport. Via circumstances, Ava Gardner, a nightclub singer nicknamed HONEY BEAR is stranded in that remote area. Understandably, our lead male falls for her, but then Grace Kelly appears; if only I could be able to romance either Gardner or Kelly, let alone both the same time. I certainly don’t look nor act like Gable, which is unfortunate.

Yeah, Red Dust is better, yeah, both leading ladies are stereotypical in not the most progressive ways-especially Kelly’s character-and yes the movie is overall a product of its time, for better or for worse. Be that as it may, I was entertained by this piffle which had some wacky characters, funny sniping between feuding characters, and some adventure amongst the romance in a lovely exotic setting, where a zoo’s worth of animals are seen throughout. Ford as a director of course is always a nice asset along with the leads. For my tastes, the bold, saucy Gardner character was the more appealing of the two love interests.

Perhaps I’m being a tad kind to Mogambo; nevertheless, while this is not top-tier Ford by any means, enough likable qualities are present (including a score done via African instruments) that were able to charm my pants off even if I typically prefer my John Ford to not be romance-heavy.

Anaconda (The "Meta Reboot")

Anaconda (2025)

51% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 138 reviews)

Runtime: 99 minutes

Directed by: Tom Gormican

Starring: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Steve Zahn, Thandiwe Newton, Daniela Melchoir

From: Columbia

There are reasons why you rarely see me review modern comedies. 

Longtime readers will likely know that modern films in general are rated lower by me than typical-ones made before 2010 or so seem to be preferable, for a litany of reasons. Comedies especially made in modern times rarely even look appealing to me and aren’t worth the bother. Those pondering why in the world I would choose to see this on the big screen, it’s for a few reasons: 

* I saw the original Anaconda theatrically 29 (!) years ago. Then and now, I don’t have a particular affinity for it, although that film is still amusing crap.

* No, I didn’t attend to ogle Thandiwe Newton or Daniela Melchoir, although both of course are attractive women.

* This fit my schedule for last night better and I had hardly been to the cinema at all the past two months.

* For all my griping about modern comedies, fresh ammunition as to my gripes were probably necessary.

The realization is that this review of Anaconda likely won’t receive too much blowback-the reception to the film so far has been rather mixed. My main reasons for not liking too much of the movie: the story is absolute nonsense how Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Newton, and Steve Zahn went to the Amazon to remake Anaconda. It’s stupid, no matter how they explained the scenario at various point. Even worse: this goof troop acted like absolute blathering idiots. Was I suppose to be charmed by stupid people acting stupidly just because it was done by famous faces? Tropic Thunder, this is not.

As an aside, I’ve never understood the popularity of Jack Black. Heck, I’ve never understood the popularity of Tenacious D either! That doesn’t mean I thought highly of Black throwing his buddy under the bus when controversy arose. However, that of course doesn’t impact my low rating of Anaconda.

I can’t call the movie an abomination or totally devoid of merit. It looked fine in terms of cinematography, there were some amusing moments and I wasn’t made that angry about the experience as a whole, the preposterous nature of the story and other issues related to the plot aside, such as how often the snake appears (or doesn’t) & how superfluous Melchoir’s subplot was aside. The fact that I saw a trailer for a “comedy” that looked totally abominable before Anaconda made this look not so wretched in comparison.

Last week, some people on Twitter roasted how bad The Breadwinner looked judging by its just-released trailer. I finally saw that trailer, and it was wretched. Imagine Mr. Mom (gasp, a father has to raise his daughters on his own for some time as their mother is out of town for work) except much worse and much more preposterous as it’s 2026. Breadwinner appears to be slapstick buffoonery of the worst kind. It doesn’t make me want to change my stance on avoiding anything Nate Bargatze, that’s for sure. That said, on Twitter now there are many people-me included-appalled that some journalist goof (and probable troll, judging by recently-unearthed tweets) tried to make himself look like a babyface as he moans over not liking his role as a parent and only wants to spend TEN MINUTES A DAY w/ his toddler son. Not everyone should have children…

Back on topic, there are comedies from the past 15 or so years that offended me or irritated me more; I can’t go Scorched Earth on this new Anaconda even if the OG Anaconda from ’97 was accidentally funnier and more entertaining.

Dazed & Confused

Dazed & Confused (1993)

Runtime: 102 minutes

Directed by: Richard Linklater

Starring: A great cast

From: Gramercy Pictures

NOW I remembered why I don’t love this movie like everyone else.

For those who haven’t followed me on Letterboxd for that long, note that once in awhile I’ll have a hot take. This includes me not liking ANY movie from Park Chan-Wook, hating One Battle After Another, thinking that the atrocious Suspiria remake was a miserable, interminable 2 ½ hours at the cinema, and the ultimate: loathing Everything Everywhere All at Once. Me mainly liking Dazed and Confused for its all-timer soundtrack and an all-timer performance from Matthew M is mild in comparison. 

Note that I did see this movie once in high school and the other time was as a freshman in college; it probably was the fall of 2000 when I was at a party pal’s apartment with some others. Drinks were had as this was one of the films seen; I didn’t leave that place and head back to my dorm until after 5 AM! I was just like one of the characters in the film, chastising mother aside.

I’ve stated before that slice-of-life movies usually aren’t for me. That’s what I remembered most from those viewings literally decades ago, along with the soundtrack and the Wooderson character. In 2026, I still don’t typically love slice-of-life movies, even if it was about the last day of high school and I was reminded in part of various experiences I had in high school. Unfortunately, I was reminded that someone I once knew said that “all women are either prudes or sluts” as I heard similar comments made by one character in the backseat of an automobile. The 70’s setting was of course of interest to me, along with all the excellent rock/pop songs that you’d hear in late May of 1976 playing throughout. 

The biggest gripe I had then and still have now: why IS that horrible subplot concerning the town tradition of all high school seniors hazing 8th graders the summer before they enter high school? Did this EVER happen, anywhere? It was totally unpleasant, first off, and I have a hard time believing this was a thing no matter what I hear otherwise. This certainly did not happen in my Illinois hometown. The fact that this was a theme that ran throughout the movie was a massive turn-off. Preposterous to me was that a star quarterback was thinking of quitting the football team because… the coaches want the squad to sign a meaningless pledge about not drinking alcohol or smoking weed?! Huh?

I know it’d be a lot cooler if I did love the movie… I was happy when Matthew McConaugahey entered the picture-if only it’d been sooner than 40 minutes in. It wasn’t just that his character had the best dialogue and was the most memorable, overall gross nature aside; it was his performance that launched his career. I can’t explain the bad commercials he’s been in the past few years, but… 

As unpopular as this statement will be, despite a quality cast (including Ben Affleck and his tremendous head of hair) along w/ the other positives, I’ll be happy to never see the film again. It also doesn’t make me want to do a deeper dive on the filmography of Richard Linklater. Before Sunrise and Before Sunset are legendary; Before Midnight, on the other hand… now there’s another take even spicier than my ambivalence towards Dazed & Confused.