Rude Awakening

It's been a few weeks but I'm reviewing an episode of an old British TV show... Hammer's House of Horrors, to be exact: 

I finally saw an episode of the 1980 British TV anthology show Hammer House of Horrors. I had a choice of 13 to choose from; this was selected as it seemed light in tone & I was curious about Denholm Elliott attempting to romance his much-younger secretary Lucy Gutteridge, i.e. the leading girl from Top Secret!

Note that Elliott is a dirty old man who is already married. His wife refuses to divorce him, so he's in a real pickle. This episode's gimmick is that Denholm is a real estate agent who has Gutteridge as a secretary, and he's in a surreal world where he-along w/ the viewer-isn't sure what's real and what's a dream as he is told about an old manor & he does disembodied voices, including one proclaiming, “You shouldn't have killed your wife!” British TV is different from its American counterpart; Elliott referred to his wife as a “bitch”... twice!

Also, the secretary Lolly looks completely different each time she appears; this adds to the surreal nature of the episode, along with such subtle details as camera angles/placement. Props to Peter Sasdy-director of such films as Taste the Blood of Dracula and The Stone Tape. This episode was fun, a macabre delight as Ol' Denholm is in a nightmare, bad things constantly happening to him. Elliott was magnetic as the lead, but I thought Gutteridge nailed it out of the park and was swell as Lolly, especially with the different personas she had in the dream(s).

Who knows when I'll see other episodes of the series (or even if I'll mention they were watched on Letterboxd) but I was happy to have seen something from Hammer House of Horrors.

Play Dead

Play Dead (1983)

Runtime: 88 minutes

Directed by: Peter Wittman

Starring: Yvonne de Carlo, Stephanie Dunnam, Glenn Kezer, David Cuillinane,  Ron Jackson

From: United Construction Company... yes, a construction company!

Watching a film released by TROMA seemed appropriate for this time of year, especially when you didn't know beforehand they originally put it out. I literally laugh out loud each time an unexpected Troma Team Release is encountered.

Not that long ago, part of the ending of this film was seen-which some animal lovers won't like, let me put it that way-on one of Eternal Family's 24/7 streaming channel. I was intrigued, so why not check out regional horror (Texas, in this case) or something in the Old Biddy genre? The older meddlesome lady here is the only name of note in the cast, Yvonne de Carlo. As a real little kid, The Munsters was watched by me so it was a gas to see her here.

Ms. de Carlo was Hester, an old rich lady who uses “black magic” to control her dog Greta, using her a conduit to either kill or frame her remaining family members. Hester gives Greta to her niece Audrey and this is when the deaths start... via such methods as scaring someone into a passing automobile, electrocuting a woman in a bathtub, and even more cockamamie deaths I dare not spoil! This is original, at least.

There could have been more de Carlo, sure, and I understand why some think the pace is way too methodical. However, for my tastes I was always amused by this oddity, made by a United Construction Company-yes, a construction company; that's a first. There's gratuitous T&A, Greta watching Audrey making out or having sex w/ her boyfriend, and a fun detective duo of older man Otis & younger man Richard investigating the deaths who provide various laughs from their rapport, their repartee.

And of course, Greta was a good girl... a very good girl.

Older movies like this that are slow-paced of course won't be for all tastes; it's in fact the sort of regional horror that was released via Vinegar Syndrome. However, I was charmed by this ludicrous plot, by the decent score, by the usage of several smooth jazz library music tracks, by Yvonne de Carlo's gravitas. That Vinegar Syndrome Blu is now out of print; there is a market for such obscurities.

Puppet Master

Puppet Master (1989)

Runtime: 88 minutes

Directed by: David Schmoller

Starring: Paul Le Mat, Irene Miracle, Jimmie F. Skaggs, Robin Frates, Matt Foe

From: Full Moon Entertainment

I had never seen any Puppet Master movie until last night! This admission likely won't shock or offend that many, if at all. At least one film from many different horror franchises have been viewed, but not Puppet Master until now. Will a deep-dive happen in the future? No, yet this first installment from Charles Band was fun in a low-budget fashion, featuring a nice old hotel setting and effective effects bringing the puppets to life, including stop-motion.

Master does have a wacky plot—William Hickley animates puppets via “an Egyptian rite” in the 1930's until Nazi scum are after him, so he “unalives himself” but the puppets are hidden in the hotel. A half-century, various psychics get together at this hotel but one's an evil SOB w/ an insidious plot and they use the puppets to start murdering their pals.

You PERHAPS don't want to scrutinize the plot too hard; be that as it may, there are still colorful characters present that make this fun (including Paul Le Mat, who looked remarkably like Val Kilmer in the last years of his life), a bizarre woman who brought along her taxidermist-stuffed dog, an overtly sexual couple-this had nudity & sleaze-and the dolls themselves are quite memorable, brought to life well by the effects. Which one you'll love of course is personal opinion. Learning that Blade was modeled after real-life villain Klaus Kinski... that was hysterical.

Puppet Master was fun B-horror; the criticisms that there should have been more puppet action is understandable (evidently this was fixed in the sequels, including the next installment)-so is the desire for Barbara Crampton's role to be more than just a cameo-but there's no regrets in finally watching a movie from this long-running franchise.

Pan's Labyrinth

Pan's Labyrinth (El Labertino del Fauno) (2006)

Runtime: 118 minutes

Directed by: Guillermo del Toro

Starring: Ivana Baquero, Sergi Lopez, Maribel Verdu, Ariadna Gil, Doug Jones

From: Several different Mexican and Spanish companies 

I don't have to ask... everyone will be APPALLED that Pan's Labyrinth had never been watched by me until Thursday night. “Checking out a 20th anniversary screening theatrically (the 2D version instead of 3D)” was the best way to have that first experience, at least. Unlike what's happened on a few occasions in 2026, there won't be any uproar over my review—Pan's was a very good time.

Through cultural osmosis I knew the basic plot plus the faun and the Pale Man. The presumption is that most have seen this already so a plot synopsis won't be necessary. I was a little surprised that more time was spent in 1944 fascist Spain than in a fantasy world... but that's not a demerit when it worked for the plot and the true villains were led by the truly vile Capitain Vidal, undoubtedly one of the most terrifying bad guys I'll see this month.

It was easy to feel sympathy for 10-year-old Ofelia & her pregnant mom as they are forced to live with such a brute. No wonder she becomes enchanted upon hearing from a faun that she's a princess in a mythical world, a world waiting for her return. That faun and the Pale Man were unforgettable creatures-as always, masterfully brought to life by Doug Jones. It was easy to root for Ofelia due to the obstacles placed in front of her and the performance of child actor Ivana Baquero; it was incredibly easy to root for the revolutionaries, particularly (spoiler) Mercedes, the housekeeper.

The effects were swell, effectively bringing that fantasy world to life; furthermore, the rural mansion in the woods with a great stone labyrinth were an evocative setting. This world was one I was happy to have finally visited.

 

The Foreigner (Unfortunately, the Steven Seagal Movie!)

The Foreigner (2003)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: Michael Oblowitz

Starring: Steven Seagal, Harry Van Gorkum, Jeffrey Pierce, Anna-Louise Plowman, Max Ryan

From: Tri-Star/Franchise Pictures

Why did Netflix add THIS to their platform?

Besides mentioning that no review was posted yesterday-I was busy, including a theatrical viewing of a movie that will be reviewed tomorrow afternoon-the reason why I am subscribed to Netflix again... technically, there was a two month pause. A few days ago, there was a “Oh yeah, the pause is over, the service better be used again by me.”

The Foreigner not only served as a respite for all the horror films viewed in October, there's been a desire for years to view a truly terrible Steven Seagal film from his DTV era, mainly out of morbid curiosity. Foreigner featured many (though not all; I didn't hear anyone attempting to dub his dialogue because Seagal couldn't be arsed to do ADR) of the hallmarks emblematic of this era: dreary European locations, a portly Seagal too lazy to show off his Aikido martial arts, and a convoluted plot. That last point was the Achilles heel of The Foreigner.

This is not like The Big Sleep in having a complex story, or the work of an auteur, a virtuoso presenting a detailed, layered story involving thought-provoking characters that result in film scholars admiring the picture as if they were a sommelier appreciating a stellar Cabernet Sauvignon.

Rather, the film does not present its tale in the most cogent fashion. The main plot throughline, the viewer can comprehend... Seagal's JONATHAN COLD is a badass who used to be “an operative” who now freelances, including delivering a package. He's more than a simple courier... the viewer eventually learns the contents of the package, and why many wish to have it for themselves. However, this is full of incident, of too many characters, of dialogue that's boilerplate to this sort of picture, of poor storytelling that makes this too much of a headache for most people.

The Foreigner at least filmed in luxurious mansions, featured a few hilarious early 2000's moments-including the period techno soundtrack-a helpful explanation to everyone what asphyxiation is (?!) and used real squibs. Otherwise, this nonsense stinks. Seagal-as typical-sports his typical “constipated” face, which also described his performance! Aside from some unintentionally hilarious moments, the film isn't even all that exciting. Most people shouldn't even bother w/ this crap. There's also a sequel (!!), 2005's Black Dawn; I won't be bothering w/ continuing the adventures of Jonathan Cold.

Climax

Climax (2018)

Runtime: 97 excruciating minutes

Directed by: Gaspar Noe

Starring: Sofia Boutella & a bunch of randos

From: An absurd number of different companies

My first Gaspar Noe film... and my last!

I know everyone will be APPALLED by this admission, but the only reason why I even gave this movie a chance... late Monday night, there was discussion between several people in the comments of my review for Resident Evil (the new one), of all things. It concerned the need for likable protagonists-it's not always necessary, of course-and this movie was specifically mentioned. There are reasons why I avoid certain antagonistic European directors, but more on that later. Irreversible alone was good enough to avoid—at the same time, perhaps people would prefer I at least give directors a shot instead of blindly rejecting them... had I had known this was full of edgelord material (including moments of self-harm. There's a word of warning for those that would be triggered), no way this would have been streamed whatsoever.

I knew there was trouble right away... no, not at seeing A24's logo! Rather, it was realizing that they were showing what seemed to be the film's ending them started playing the END credits in reverse... only to stop then show what felt like an hour where we get intros to the numerous characters, which are modern dancers that I soon learned do preposterous modern dances. Then, it was seeing the modern pretentious trend of the movie presenting chapter titles on screen. Then, we hear pretentious prattle about random things, and I couldn't have cared any less! Oh, and we get the opening credits 45 minutes in; how rebellious... rolls eyes incredibly hard.

You can imagine my thrill at seeing a whole slew of characters you either couldn't possibly care about or were utterly detestable (some just loved saying the most vulgar comments concerning women & sex) even before they drink sangria spiked with drugs act once they are high on drugs, but not before a dance segment that felt like it was 5 hours long! Note that the kid I'll call “French Jonathan Lipnicki” is exempt from this criticism! I didn't give a damn how most of this was improv or the long takes or the camera placement/angles (most of which were “try hard” anyhow) when the movie is full of repugnant behavior.

Heck, a pregnant woman is kicked in the stomach then she HITS HERSELF in the stomach, and evidently-judging by a mutual's review-this is a Gaspar Noe director trademark! If I wasn't worried about people really hating me, I'd proclaim how much I despise Gaspar Noe as a human being given this film, Irreversible, and things I've heard about his work. I was reminded why there are good reasons why I've avoided such things as movies from directors that force their actors to act all monotone, or directors like Noe, von Trier, and Haneke. The virulently strong negative reaction I had to Climax is why I was right w/ my instincts concerning Noe as a massive edgelord.

Letterboxd members won't like that certain directors now most assuredly won't be given a chance (even if they've been recommended in the past or in the future) but honestly, my logic is... I hope my life will be a long one, but you never know. There's still way too many movies likely to be rated as “good” or better in my eyes that haven't been viewed yet; sometimes it feels like a real waste of time checking out aggravating cinema such as Climax. Perhaps it's better that I don't give some a chance rather than giving them a chance and some getting mad that my negative opinion is an outlier.

God Bless everyone who is a fan of Gaspar Noe; no shame there. He's just one of many 21st century directors & films whose popularity utterly eludes me. Hopefully it's a long while before I violently reject a movie like this; my rating would have been the lowest possible if not for.... some great songs on the soundtrack, no lie.

 

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

Runtime: 82 minutes

Directed by: Joseph Green

Starring: Jason Evers, Virginia Leith, Anthony La Penna, Adele Lamont, Bonnie Sharrie

From: AIP

I've known of Virginia Leath's disembodied head on the table for years; about time I finally saw The Brain That Wouldn't Die.

We open with a pair of doctors arguing with each other over a patient dying on the operating table. A few minutes later, we discover they are father & son! The son (Bill) is possessed w/ the desire to reanimate the dead & keeping body parts alive. Wouldn't you know it, he is in a convertible with his fiancee Jan and a lethal crash occurs... well, he saves Jan's decapitated head and revives it on a table. Jan is NOT happy with this arrangement and wishes for her brain to die, but Bill refuses. That is utterly horrifying.

Despite the multiple voices of reason, Bill's quest to find a new body won't be reasoned with. If the viewer didn't already loathe Bill, he not only visits “seedy joints”-one of which has an amazing painting on the wall of clothed dogs sitting upright on chairs drinking beer!-and constantly leers at young ladies to find the right bod, Bill also has a “failed experiment” literally locked in a room, portrayed by giant actor Eddie Carmel.

Of course the movie's outlandish, but in this ghoulish tale, it does comment on the autonomy of a woman-going against his love's desire to die-and other creepy plot points that unfortunately are still relevant in 2026. It's mostly competent in a B-movie fashion while attempting to explain how the mad doctor could medically succeed, while uttering dialogue sometimes more thoughtful than expected, while a jazzy score plays throughout.

Leith was quite sympathetic, and delivered a pretty good performance while we mostly only saw her cranium. The Brain That Wouldn't Die was bloodier, more graphic, and yes, sleazier than expected. Don't let its MST3K status make you automatically think the movie's utter tripe.