The Goat

The Goat (1921)

Runtime: 23 minutes

Directed by: Buster Keaton/Malcolm St. Clair

Starring: Keaton, Virginia Fox, Joe Roberts, St. Clair

From: Metro Pictures Corporation

Buster Keaton is The GOAT, indeed. An obvious joke, but it is funny how the term applies 104 years later when it originally did not mean that at all. It’s been awhile since viewing any silents, and even longer since tackling any Buster Keaton. As this was highly regarded…

While the short stops instead of resolving its major plot point, otherwise I was entertained. Keaton’s character might as well have been named Bad Luck Brian. We see him experience misfortune then via circumstances, villain Dead Shot Dan made it look like Buster was the escaped convict instead of Dan. From there, multiple cops-including the father of Keaton’s love interest-are after him.

The expected slapstick, wild stunts and clever visual humor are all present. It’d be a crime to spoil too many of the gags; however, the unexpected way that Buster jumped through a particular window to avoid capture was tremendous. It’s a transom window; I’ll be specific as many probably aren’t familiar w/ that word… another highlight: all the jokes revolving around the usage of then-modern elevators. It is not my favorite short from Buster but it should still be delightful for most Keaton fans.

 

No Census, No Feeling

This is another classic Three Stooges short from 1940: 

(Short # 50 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

A topical short; the United States had a census in 1940. As happened before, the trio inadvertently caused damage to a shop—in this case, at a swap shop they accidentally damaged a table full of dishes. They ran away into a government building which took volunteers to work the census beat. Armed with a giant book where they ostensibly take everyone’s information, they inadvertently harass all sorts of folk on the street a then spend time at a popular location for them in their oeuvre: a soiree hosted by rich folk.

After Curly spent time flirting w/ a maid, he accidentally adds Alum to punch instead of sugar. The effect leads to everyone’s mouths constricting and barely being able to talk. It is a stellar scene of both physical and verbal comedy in selling this effect. As the destruction they caused in the short is even greater than the number of puns that are heard, they likely were thrown out; the final segment is at a(n American) football game, where they attempt to ask their queries to players… on the field during play.

There are new gags and routines, including a bit involving real-life Lake Winnepeasaukee in New Hampshire, mentioned because of the obvious “it’s a long, funny-sounding name” comedic value. There’s also a line referencing a fact that no one remembers now—from 1939 to 1941, Thanksgiving in the United States was a week earlier than usual. Long story, but it relates to selling Christmas goods when the country was still amid The Great Depression. After that, a federal law was passed to always make it the fourth Thursday in November-strange but true.

In any event, the sheer number of laughs is why the rating is so high.

I Revisited Crocodile Dundee

This time it was a different cut: 

So, I found a file created by someone who attempted to restore the original version of Crocodile Dundee. Yes, there’s an original cut released only in Australia that was edited before it played elsewhere around the world-what I’ll call “The International Cut.” It was found on Twitter by an account which attempts to restore older pictures; to be blunt, I don’t always like this user’s sour attitude, yet it was from this person that I learned there’s a new 4K restoration of the movie, known as The Encore Cut. In fact, it excises two scenes—likely I don't need to clarify which moments were banished.

Of course this Twitter user had negative comments to make about “modern audiences.” No way will I weigh in on whether or not those transphobic moments should be removed I’m a heterosexual male so my opinion isn’t worth much in this instance. Paul Hogan himself approved of this new version, for whatever it’s worth… but the film’s director (Peter Faiman) doesn’t feel the same. If anyone’s curious about this Australian version I saw, it is at the moment on archive.org.

The additional material is mainly related to building characters although there is an increase in vulgarity plus Aussie slang which sometimes I had to use context clues to decipher. As this cut only made it to the DVD era, the sound and picture still aren’t stellar. Yet, it was still nice to see an alternate version of a film that unexpectedly became a huge hit worldwide; would you believe that in the United States, the gross was only two million dollars less than Top Gun, the number one film in the country for the year? Because reasons, in America for awhile there was an Aussie wave where that country & its products were white-hot.

The viewing experience is little-different from the cut that most people know. It’s still a rather basic fish out of water film where NYC newspaper reporter Sue is a Shiela that meets the titular character in Australia (the titular character has an exaggerated reputation) where she’s baffled by the rural Outback… then the roles are reversed when she brings the bloke to New York City. There’s love triangle drama yet the plot is incredibly basic and lightweight. It’s the charm of the two leads that carries this. As long as you can like the tan leathery guy that is a crocodile poacher and is called that by others but never admits to it… a bangin’ score from Peter Best also helped.

As mentioned in my original review, it was wild that this was seen by me as a kid. Besides the trans moments, Dundee talks to prostitutes & goes to a New Wave party, where he sees someone snort cocaine! The film still has laughs, including the iconic “That’s not a knife… THAT’S a knife” scene. Warts and all, the movie is still quite the time capsule of the 1980’s, including the views of New York City. My late mother was a fan of this and its first sequel; both are fine in my eyes. I’ve never viewed the third, due to bad buzz. Perhaps one day, mate…

Oh, and it was wild that a crocodile which appeared in this film (Burt; named after Burt Reynolds!) made the news when he passed away in December. I’m not sure why it has a Wiki page either but still, RIP Burt.

Two More Stooges Shorts

First, How High is Up?

(Short # 48 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

The Stooges could even make taking off a sweater an utter delight. They portray blue-collar workers who live in an old jalopy automobile. It advertises on the back, “If it leaks, we mend it.” After some comedy in fixing their flat tire, a few minutes are spent helping Curly remove his too-tight sweater. Of course it becomes an overly complicated task involving multiple tools. That bit was absurd in the best ways.

Afterwards, they stop at a job site where they put holes into the lunch boxes of workers so they can be fixed. The workers (including Bruce Bennett; more on him at the end) discover their ruse so they run away to the site of a skyscraper being constructed. They are tasked with riveting the beams on the 97th floor, much to their horror. There’s a believable set w/ appropriate backdrop to represent them in their perilous predicament.

As the scenario was classic and there’s some quality one-liners, High was a joy to discuss today. As for Bruce Bennett, he was an Olympian for the United States who won a silver medal in the shot put at the ’28 games. Before High, Bennett appeared as Tarzan in a serial; a few years afterward he would become a performer who had prominent roles in several films people would know today, i.e. Mildred Pierce, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, the original Angels in the Outfield, etc.

Then, From Nurse to Worse: 

(Short # 49 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

The Stooges commit insurance fraud. Amusingly, they are told by their buddy to perform this scam. Their friend Jerry (I was amused that they used Curly’s real first name for this character) told them to feign that one of them was mentally insane. Of course, Curly was the one chosen, and of course the Stooge who barks like a dog at least once in every short acted like a hound in front of a doctor to feign craziness.

Well, they went to Dr. D. Lerious (those pun names in these shorts are so silly yet they still make me chuckle) and Curly’s act was so effective, the Dr. demands immediate brain surgery! The rest is the trio on the run, which includes the hospital and interactions w/ dog catchers. One wacky scene featured all three Stooges plus two actual canines scratching themselves and each other like they were all pooches.

From Nurse to Worse was fun because they modified some gags and introduced some new ones. The Black actor Dudley Dickerson briefly appeared; that was a highlight as he had a great reaction to a bizarre moment. A hysterical ending made Nurse a very good time.

The Tale of Tsar Saltan

The Tale of Tsar Saltan (Skazka O Tsare Saltane) (1966)

Runtime: 85 minutes

Directed by: Aleksandr Ptushko

Starring: Vladimir Andreyev, Larisa Golubkina, Oleg Vidov, Kseniya Ryabinkina, Sergey Martinson

From: Mosfilm

It was overdue for me to view more from Aleksandr Ptushko, a famed Soviet director little-known in the West. Due to boutique label Deaf Crocodile, in the past I was able to view Ilya Muromets via owning it on Blu and via streaming rental, I’ve also seen the late 50’s Soviet-Finnish film Sampo. Both have had butchered American dubs but those fantasy tales are much better in original form. Dead Crocodile did a swell job presenting those restored movies. The fantasy elements in those included a superman that can rip out tree stumps, a three-headed dragon (no, not King Ghidorah), the Finnish version of the Horn of Plenty, and a witch stealing the sun. Saltan contained more of the same.

Based on the fairy tale from famed Russian writer Alexander Pushkin, it features some familiar themes. The titular Tsar chooses one of three sisters; he picked that one in particular as she promised him a son but it didn’t hurt that many would say her two sisters were much uglier! You shouldn’t feel sympathetic to their plight: the duo plus a few others conspire to have the Tsar’s lady and young son banished while the Tsar is off far-away, fighting troll creatures. 

For a fairy tale, naturally the story should be colorful & magical. Thankfully, it was w/ this lavish production featuring colorful sets & costuming, fantastical characters (there is a Swan Princess, after all), vile villains who get their comeuppance, big special effects for the time, etc. It’s a charming tale told in rhyme… for a fairy tale, such a device is fine with me. It also had a wondrous, lush musical score that complimented the movie perfectly.

Oh, and there’s a singing, dancing squirrel that appears in two scenes!

Nutty but Nice

The short's more like "fine but still funny" in my eyes: 

(Short # 47 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

What an interesting short this was. The Stooges portrayed entertainers in a restaurant who catch the eye of two physicians. Them impressing people with their antics is soitently a rare feat. The pair hire the trio to hopefully lift the spirits of a clinically depressed girl. You see, her banker father was kidnapped by villains who took the bonds he was transporting. This attempt failed; yet, the Stooges attempt to locate the missing father. This is despite them not being given a photograph; instead, they are given a physical description of a few characteristics… plus, he yodels!

The first half is absurd; when the trio dressed as little girls isn’t the oddest plot point… that is OK, as the second half is more traditional. Be that as it may, even before they run into the kidnappers along w/ after, there are funny one-liners, more than one running joke, & the old comedy chestnut of the lights going out on several occasions, resulting in wacky events happening during the blackout and reveals once the lights are turned back on.

It was amusing to see new routines and even the rather unusual moment involving Larry spotlighting his receded hairline. Jerome Howard IRL was sensitive about the Curly haircut but I guess Larry wasn’t as bothered with not having a full head of hair.

Born in China

This is the 2016 Disneynature documentary: 

I return to the world of Disneynature; I’ve viewed some of their offerings in the past: 

Penguins
Bears
Polar Bear

All have nice nature photography out in the wild although the narration seemed designed for children; it doesn’t compare to the BBC Earth documentaries narrated by David Attenborough. Born in China was more of the same, despite the involvement of Shanghai Media Group; yes, I know it’s a state-owned company. My viewing of this is not an endorsement of China’s government the same that my occasional usage of Disney+ and my annual pass to Walt Disney World is not an endorsement of their most unsavory practices, gouging their customers, the overly stringent protection of their copyright, etc.

Anyhow, Born in China follows four different groups of animals: a snow leopard mom & her two cubs, a herd of chiru antelope, a barrelful of golden snub-nosed monkeys, and a giant panda mom/daughter combo. The narration was from… John Krasinski, of all people. As before, the narration was designed for children, and there’s some obviously crafted storylines. No lie, they created a story where a young male monkey named TaoTao rebels against his family by joining THE LOST BOYS, rebels led not by David but rather a leader named (for some reason) Rooster. David would have been better…

I don’t know if my four nephews and niece would like these Disneynature movies. The 12-year-old boys spend a lot of time on their phones, because of course. I don’t know what they view on there… it could be SKIBIDI TOILET for all I know! In any case, no matter your opinion of the narration, the footage of those animals always makes for pleasant viewing. Who wouldn’t be delighted by viewing MeiMei the baby panda get spooked by a falling leaf and take one heck of a tumble down a hill?

It is important to note that unlike typical, one of the animals passes away. The narration then quickly pivoted to discussing for a few minutes the concepts of “the circle of life” and how the Chinese believe in reincarnation… who knows, the youngest could become a bit upset. Otherwise, it should be fine family viewing if you have a family w/ children and everyone’s interested in nature documentaries.

A Plumbing We Will Go

(Short # 46 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

There is certainly nostalgia with my rating; blame it on its presence on a VHS tape purchased by my parents when I was a kid. At the same time, this has near-universal acclaim by fans as one of the best shorts they ever did—I agree. After a stroke of luck in being found innocent of a crime they committed, they ran afoul of the law again. Cop Bud Jamison chases them and after an incident involving a snake oil salesman doing a magician act (he’s seen again at the end), they hijack a plumber’s truck and by a stroke of luck, they stop at a mansion which has a leaky pipe in the basement.

Whether together or separated, they were riotous. Everything went wrong; Moe stayed in the basement while Curly spent some time in an upstairs bathroom, under the belief that this would shut off the water-- Larry went outside to do the same. There was no shortage of sight gags, puns, and destruction throughout. A Plumbing We Will Go was the introduction of Dudley Dickerson, a Black actor who in a later era would have received more work and been better recognized for his talents.

He was spotlighted here as the chef. As the plumbing job went from the sublime to the ridiculous, his reactions to the bedlam were tremendous. It was more than the typical bit part he typically was saddled with. Also a delight was the punchline to the joke involving… a television, then incredibly rare and only something the uber-rich could afford. As the ending was absurd in the best way, Plumbing is a classic that will never grow old.

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Sam Firstenberg

Starring: Michael Dudikoff, Steve James, Larry Poindexter, Gary Conway, Jeff Celentano

From: Cannon

Via Letterboxd discussion in the comments of another film, my finally viewing this gigantic slice of 80’s cheese. There was talk of Steve James and the first two American Ninja pictures. I’ve tackled the first but never the second; that’s despite possessing the knowledge that it has a much more preposterous plot than the original.

Army Rangers Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff) and Curtis Jackson (no, not 50 Cent; James) are sent to a Caribbean island; Marines are present, serving as guard for the American Embassy there. Said Marines begin to go missing, and the culprits… men dressed as ninja. The villain’s endgame: genetic engineering! See what I mean about preposterous?

The action typically is low-grade, especially the martial arts that look amateur compared to the genre efforts from the Pacific Rim region of Asia. Be that as it may, those that like the low-budget American action films from the 80’s stand a chance to be tickled pink by the nonsense presented here. Once you see ninja in their garb attack the titular hero on the beach… actually, you’ll probably realize before that you shouldn’t take this movie seriously but that solidified the opinion.

The tropical setting did look nice. It was filmed in South Africa, which made for a nice location… as long as you ignore the whole APARTHEID thing. It’s unfortunate that Golan-Globus filmed several movies there for that reason. Those much younger than me, I’ll give the super-brief description that it was racial segregation in South Africa so the minority whites always ruled. Dudikoff gets respect from me as American Ninja 3 also filmed in the country and he refused to reprise the part due to his disgust over Apartheid. 

Real-life atrocities aside, it’s a fun movie w/ hysterical 80’s score and an opening which sets the tone: 80’s dudes on Kawasaki sport bikes cruising on mountain roads by the ocean. It was also nice that Black actor Steve James got more to do in this film than the first American Ninja.

 

Pinocchio

Yes, I am referring to the 1940's Disney classic, viewed on Disney+: 

Here’s another Disney classic cartoon viewed as a kid but never as an adult until now. Since I’ve been an adult (meaning, the past quarter-century plus) there have been several versions of this tale, to varying degrees of quality. As an adult, I have a feeling that the weirder elements of this film probably left me at least a little bamboozled!

By now, cultural osmosis should make the average reader aware of various elements… the titular character is a wooden puppet created by Geppetto and because of his wish to be a “real boy” upon a star, Pinocchio becomes a sentient being who is still a wooden puppet. His nose grows when he lies, there’s a blue fairy and Jiminy Cricket.

I’ve never read the original Italian children’s story this is based on (apparently it’s a loose adaptation) but the cartoon has strange moments. “Pinoke” is tricked to becoming part of a marionette show is a little weird—it doesn’t compare to his time on Pleasure Island, where boys fight, drink beer and smoke cigars! Oh, and there’s human trafficking to boot. Then there’s that transformation into a donkey… it’d be surprising if it wasn’t nightmare fuel for me as a little boy. The whale subplot I certainly remembered.

Lovely animation, an exciting although heart-wrenching finale, a swell score, catchy songs where When You Wish Upon a Star has been iconic for the past 85 years, some nice life lessons for the children… I was charmed by the film. As an adult, I was happy to see those wild moments again.

The Stooges Enter the 40's

Here are the first two shorts they did that were released in 1940, including one of their most famous efforts: 

You Nazty Spy!

(Short # 44 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

So, the Stooges spoof HITLER… this is one of the most famous shorts from the trio due to their parody of the Nazi party back when World War II had already began but the United States was isolationist. Chaplin’s The Great Dictator was filmed first but didn’t release until after this short; thus, this was the fist mocking portrayal of Hitler on screen. It was nice seeing a trio of Ashkenazi Jews make fun of the Nazi Party, especially viewing this with 2025 eyes.

The way that the boys rose to power in the country of Moronika wasn’t an accurate retelling of how Adolf rose to power in Germany-it’s a complaint I’ve seen and while true, that wasn’t the point. The short was a simple mockery. Businessmen in the munitions field are unhappy in Moronika because the country’s king is a pacifist. He’s overthrown and the trio are installed as puppets in a dictatorship. Unfortunately, businessmen have become involved in political upheavals, both before and after. Look at what happened in Iran in 1953, for example. At least now we don’t have to worry about businessmen becoming intertwined w/ a federal government, especially currently in the United States…

To return to levity, those businessmen (Ixnay, Amscray and Onay) install the Stooges as puppets; they happened to be “stupid men” installing wallpaper in Onay’s house. There is still slapstick but naturally there is a focus on an onslaught of funny verbal humor-some of it obscure… Moe speaks Yiddish, for example. Moe’s declaration of “Moronika for Morons” spoofs “Germany for Germans” and there’s some slang/phrases from the time used.

Several thoughts did cross my head while watching You Nazty Spy! I better not share them here-even if they don’t cause the review to get deleted by a moderator, it could spark discourse/arguing that would be a can of worms I’d rather not open. I’ll just say that this may be uncomfortable for many Americans currently. The atypical short still delighted me.

Now, this received a sequel (!) called I’ll Never Heil Again, released the next year and will be discussed by me in a few weeks. I was glad to review this short—even if I am glad to have started reviewing the Stooges chronologically this year so the real world could be ignored for a bit.

Rockin' Thru the Rockies: 

(Short # 45 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

Don’t confuse this with the 1945 feature film Rockin’ in the Rockies, a rare feature film where the classic lineup of the boys appeared in more than just a cameo role. I need to view that one day; heck, in the second half of the year I should at least review again (or for the first time) at least one of the 60’s films Moe and Larry did with Curly Joe DeRita. As for Thru, it is an amusing short set in the second half of the 19th century where the trio escort a theatrical act-a trio of young ladies, managed by a tough hardened older woman who was great in her salty role-to San Francisco. They run into trouble with (among other things) a snowstorm and Indians… once again, white guys cosplaying as Native Americans.

The ending is incredibly abrupt to the point of being jarring. The final 90 seconds were rushed beyond belief. Be that as it may, it was an interesting short which at least did feel fresh. Several routines from the past returned, only modified so the chuckles were different. Plus, getting to see them interact w/ both snow and ice allowed for new comedic moments. Of the quartet of ladies (Kathryn Sheldon, Lorna Gray, Linda Winters, Dorothy Appleby) only Sheldon as the older lady Nell-she leads Nell’s Belles-is allowed to make much of an impression. A bear appears for a few minutes and enters the cabin during the night; the expected hijinks occur.

Criticisms aside, there’s a great short segment involving ice fishing which was another new novelty. Thankfully, even in efforts that aren’t at the highest tier or two, they typically have at least one moment I’m a fan of. There’s also a reference to a famous scene in It Happened One Night.

The Night the Bridge Fell Down

The Night the Bridge Fell Down (1980)

Runtime: This is a TV miniseries that is 194 minutes long

Directed by: Georg Fenady

Starring: This disaster film has some familiar faces

From: Irwin Allen Productions/Warner Bros. Television

For the sake of variety, I discuss an Irwin Allen production that was made for television and I “acquired” for viewing, nevermind how. 

I’ve seen his highly-regarded theatrical films in the disaster genre, so why not experience an example made for the smaller screen? Well, one that is over 3 hours in length without the commercials is a little odd and… note that while this was made in 1979, it only has a 1980 date because it played on BBC One and wasn’t shown on NBC until 1983! Yes, that’s how good it was. At the end, I will mention how the network literally scheduled it to air all in one night, and what played against it for 2 ½ hours which caused it to die an obvious death in the ratings.

James MacArthur is a bridge inspector who DEMANDS that the Madison Bridge be closed, due to a few credible reasons. However, Phillip Baker Hall is (unsurprisingly) the bureaucrat who refuses to do so. Naturally, the lives of several people are followed before they are stuck on the bridge when the inevitable happens—the title of the film does give it away. There are flashbacks which serve as padding… er, I mean they expand the lives of the characters shown.

For a production made for television, I was fine that this was filled with character actors, some more famous than others. The biggest names not already mentioned were Barbara Rush-she just passed away a little less than a year ago-Desi Arnaz, Jr., Eve Plumb (her character’s about to become a nun!) and the beloved Leslie Nielsen. It’s always nice seeing him in even a dramatic role, and even as someone who commits fraud at his business. Oh, and there’s also a bank robber. The bridge causes a crash which left him and several others stuck on the one section that doesn’t collapse after a giant earthquake. So yes, a hostage situation also. As an aside, that robber’s girl is made to be a dunce—thicker than the concrete pillars on that structure.

Many won’t even want to bother with this oddity, and reading my review will be enough for most. There are signs this was filmed in ’79… if it wasn’t seeing an orphanage’s Plymouth station wagon w/ a CB radio, it’d be the score that occasionally had its DISCO moments. Even funnier, at times it was blatant that they ripped off the theme to… Vertigo! 

It was a riot that the majority of the “disaster” seen was in flashbacks to individuals connected to the main characters—someone was hit by a car, another dies of carbon monoxide poisoning, etc. A shame then that the robber character portrayed by Arnaz, Jr. was so insufferable, a real drag that unfortunately sucks the fun and life out of this. What a miscalculation that was. He honestly ruined the entire LONG slog that this was. As I don’t recommend you ever watch this—his death happens near the end and it is not even shown on camera!!! I kid you not. My anger was high at this decision; if someone ever needed a gruesome death…

Despite being filmed in 1979 for later viewing on NBC, the network never showed it until February 28, 1983, all in one night. They knew it didn’t matter what they showed that night, so might as well finally end an obligation they had for years. You see, that night on CBS was—the 2 ½ hour series finale of the famed TV show M*A*S*H. Until 2010, that finale was the most-watched program on television in the history of television in the United States! Even in 2025, only games of the Super Bowl have ever had higher ratings. I did not look up the specific ratings but the other shows that night must have lost in a bloodbath. I’m sure that finale was much better in quality; for certain, The Towering Inferno and The Poseidon Adventure are much better disaster pictures.

Hero and the Terror

Hero and the Terror (1988)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: William Tannen

Starring: Chuck Norris, Brynn Thayer, Steve James, Ron O’Neal, Jack O’Halloran

From: Cannon

So, I once again had Internet issues last night! Unlike last week the cable TV also did not go down like (insert your own vulgar comment) but I’m still salty about it being down for an entire 9 hours. If not for that, this review would have been posted yesterday evening.

This movie… it’s no 10 to Midnight. Chuck Norris attempts to be a thespian. This is done by a LOT of time spent with his cop character hanging out w/ his third trimester pregnant girlfriend, including him as a caring partner helping her through the birth process. The acting job from him is not terrible and it’s interesting to see him as someone afraid and haunted by nightmares, but as others have said, it seems more like a Cannon project suited to the talents of Charles Bronson, and perhaps the movie would have worked better.

Hysterically, the film has its title as the media called Norris “Hero” for his capture of a scary-looking serial killer whom was referred to as “Terror.” I wish the movie would have had more action and/or more visceral kills from the villain, born w/ the name Simon Moon. From hearsay, the novel this was based on had Moon as a sex fiend killer; that was changed for the film… he was a real blank slate we barely got to see and the “kills” were basic neck snaps. I’m not sure how appealing this movie will be to Norris fans… or people who like some of his movies but don’t necessarily like Chuck the person or his personal beliefs.

It's a dumb film which at least has some nice attributes. There are other familiar faces: Steve James (there needed to be more of him. Then again, I can say that about practically every movie featuring Steve James), Jack O’Halloran as Moon-he was much more memorable as Non in the Superman films-Ron O’Neal, Branscome Richmond and Billy Drago… who get this, did NOT portray a bad guy! I kid you not.

Someone told me that the movie was influenced by Miami Vice—not quite. Some of the music and wardrobe had hints of that, but him driving a then-new Corvette was the closest comparison that could be made. At least James wore a SWEET WrestleMania hat in one scene and in a note that will appeal to everyone living in or around Los Angeles: a large portion of the movie is set at the Wiltern Theater. The Wiltern is a real-life joint around since the 30’s which looks lovely and like portrayed in the film, was restored and opened again in the 80’s after it was left to rot for awhile. Of course such an old place has a labyrinth full of catacombs, secret passages, boarded-up rooms, etc. It was a nice location to set a movie, in other words.

Unfortunately, though… a similar Chuck Norris movie from earlier in the 80’s (Silent Rage) was a better movie that featured an actual superhuman villain.

Two More Stooges Shorts

First was Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise: 

(Short # 42 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

What a delightful short this was. The first third we see the villains swindle people out of their land; the heels know but those poor innocent folks don’t know their land holds oil. The trio are down on their luck and a farmer agrees to allow them to work on his farm for a meal. If only he knew they would screw up sawing wood then couldn’t handle the trap door on the bottom of the wagon holding those pieces of wood. Curly has a literal temper tantrum as his hard head causes problems and he can’t close that door.

However, the rest has a miracle… Curly makes wishes that sound preposterous for the scenario, yet they keep on coming true. They help an older lady on another farm, meet her lovely daughters April, May, and June… and oh yeah, discover a geyser gushing out oil. The good luck continues as they then encounter the crooks.

Besides the novelty of seeing all the positive sunlight shine on the Stooges, there were many new routines to experience, including a big stunt involving the geyser which was impressive work by the dude who was doubling for Curly. Plenty of laughs were had as the dialogue was on-point also. I’m sure Moe wasn’t chuckling when an oil-related gag when the substance they used got stuck in his eye… that’s horrifying to me as someone who gets queasy at eye trauma.

By the by, Linda Winters portrayed June; she also acted under the name Dorothy Comingore; yes, Susan Alexander Kane in Citizen Kane.

Second was Three Sappy People: 

(Short # 43 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

So… once again I’ve had Internet issues! A certain John McClane quote from Die Hard 2 is in my mind now—it’s one too vulgar to say in polite company. It went out a little after 4 PM yesterday and did not return until after midnight. This time the cable stayed on so it wasn’t total misery. That doesn’t mean I am not incredibly salty over this happening again.

These past few months, there’s been some bad moments, both mentioned and not mentioned here. It’s not anything serious; at the same time, deciding to revisit The Three Stooges and view them chronologically through the first half of ’25 has been a wise idea as the laughs have been needed.

Three Sappy People was one of their shorts featuring a pastry fight. In fact, lore suggests that lead girl Lorna Gray (later known as Adrian Booth) choked after food landed in her mouth and went down her throat. Those rumors were exaggerated but I’ll explain later. Gray portrayed Sheri (or Sherri, or Sherry; I’ve seen all three on different sites), the flightiest of screwball comedy women, a woman whose introduction is driving her car into the living room at her mansion while arriving late to her birthday party! No wonder her husband finally decides to call psychiatrists Dr. Z. Ziller, Dr. X. Zeller and Dr. Y. Zoller to try and immediately cure her.

The Stooges are telephone repairmen who are at those offices; of course the expected mix-up occurs and off they go to that soiree. After the expected calamity at the office (which included lines heard before in previous shorts; they still made me laugh), their arrival and subsequent buffoonery immediately entertained Sheri. After creating the worst version of the jungle juice you’d ever find at a college apartment party and a test of reflexes gone wrong, dinner was served.

The pastry fight was as amusing as you’d expect. Yes, Lorna Gray was surprised by the projectile going right in her mouth (phrasing) but the food did not cause her to choke or was the source of any other emergency. Ann Doran-best known as James Dean’s mom in Rebel Without a Cause-was a delight as the prim and proper countess who remained staid no matter what buffoonery she witnessed. A shame this was the only short she did with the boys.

Heart Eyes

Heart Eyes (2025)

Somehow, 80% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 108 reviews)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: Josh Ruben

Starring: Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding, Jordana Brewster, Devon Sawa, Gigi Zumbado

From: In the United States, at least… Screen Gems

This was a movie I wanted to like… for the newer Letterboxd mutuals, those pretentious “elevated horror” movies aren’t for me. A slasher is more to my esoteric than that elevated BS, although there of course are other subgenres within horror I like. The trailer for Heart Eyes (both the standard and the redband) made it appear to be a fun modern slasher. I’m someone who enjoyed Hellfest more than most, for example. Another note for the newer mutuals: I really don’t like modern comedy.

Unfortunately—this movie is more like a bad parody of a romantic comedy w/ slasher elements. The performances from Olivia Holt and Mason Gooding are not to blame for my low opinion of the film. I wish their lead characters wouldn’t have been so annoying, although that was mild compared to all the other characters, who were varying degrees of loathsome, from mild to insufferable. The friend of lead girl Ally—I despised that hideous caricature.

It’s the “humor” that sinks the movie—like most modern “humor” anywhere, it just isn’t funny to me. Also, why I don’t view modern horror-comedies in general. The opening scene alone was a warning I didn’t heed at the time. Irritating characters, bad comedy, frequent F bombs… not a good recipe for me. However, the gory moments then happened and there was little complaint w/ the violence and gore—oh wait, there is the detail that the movie in general should have been lit better but that’s an industry-wide problem, unfortunately.

What a disappointment Heart Eyes was. The idea of a masked killer whose hood has heart eyes that occasionally light up randomly killing couples each February in random cities across America-it’s an idea w/ great potential. However, despite my enjoyment of the gruesome moments and the presence of a few laughs, overall the film was dumb in the first two acts-filled with awful dialogue-then it became worse in the final act. 

The movie presented even more modern tropes I am not a fan of; perhaps a new trope for me to carp about should be “stupid and baffling villain motivations.” It’s never a good sign when on several occasions I went, “Wait, what? Huh?” when it came to the heel and/or why they were evil. While it was nice to see Jordana Brewster and Devon Sawa as detective partners, their names and how that “comedy” was mined for laughs only served to remind me why I reject modern comedy.

There is a mid-credits scene I knew about beforehand; I was done with the movie by then so I didn’t stick around. Wiki later told me the correct decision was made by me. That said, many liked this at least a little more than I did; perhaps you’ll find this new release… heartwarming. Maybe you can educate me then why it’s clearly established the movie is set in 2025 yet it is also clearly established February 14th is on a TUESDAY in their world instead of Friday like it is in our world!

 

Calling All Curs

Yet another 1939 Stooge short that I reviewed: 

(Short # 41 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

Calling All Curs is another short I saw often as a kid. Hopefully nostalgia isn’t clouding my judgment; the Stooges in an animal hospital-but it’s mainly dogs and a few cats-is still quite humorous. A prized poodle named Garcon is kidnapped (or rather, dognapped) by a pair of heels cosplaying as newspaper reporters.

The routines in the hospital are quite humorous, whether they revolve around surgical tools or dinner, where all the dogs are at the dinner table. After a failed attempt to have a mutt disguised as Garcon for Mrs. Bedford, they find the dognappers. There are routines, new, old, and modified. For me it was nice to see pooches as part of their mayhem. The short moved at a fast pace so there was nary a dull moment…

From seeing a pooch use its tail like a finger to motion them forward to Curly sitting on a thorn and Larry having some hair accidentally torn from his scalp… good times. If you want to be insufferable like those Cinema Sins bellends, you could nitpick some aspects of the Stooge shorts like the moments where you can see the wires in effect shots or obvious dummies being used when they fall from high places. However, I’d like to shout out those who worked on these behind the scenes as cinematographers, set designers, editors, etc.

By the late 50’s there were budget constraints and other problems which hampered these productions but you can never proclaim that these projects were amateur or inept productions. Those individuals played unheralded roles in my enjoyment of the Stooges at Columbia.

 

Soldier Blue

Soldier Blue (1970)

Runtime: 115 minutes

Directed by: Ralph Nelson

Starring: Candice Bergen, Peter Strauss, Donald Pleasence, John Anderson, Jorge Rivero

From: AVCO Embassy

 I’m closing a loop started about 3 decades ago. The details won’t be elaborated upon but one day, my parents discussed this film (which I wasn’t familiar with); apparently both of them saw this revisionist Western. The talk was concerning an infamous conclusion-horribly graphic-where (and this spoiler has to be given; then again, there’s an opening crawl which notifies the audience the climax will be “graphic” and who is targeted) a massacre against Native Americans occurred, including women and children. Unfortunately, this event was based on a true atrocity in 1864… the Sand Creek Massacre in Colorado where troops led by a Chivington slaughtered an entire village filled with the Cheyenne and Arapaho tribes… especially the women and children.

By the way, It was just a coincidence that the title song was sung by Buffy Sainte-Marie. More on her at the end, and why this famous indigenous (well, claimed indigenous) Canadian singer made the news this past weekend.

It was before the end of the first act that the revisionist attitude was apparent. The Cheyenne decimate a convoy of troops. Only Peter Strauss (wearing a blue uniform) and Candice Bergen (recently rescued from being held captive by the Cheyenne) survived. The soldier is the emotional one of the pair while the lady is logical and pragmatic, curses like a soldier, BELCHES, and notes how “the white man” invaded Native American land. To address the elephant in the room, some people in recent years get quite triggered over “strong and powerful females”… no comment on that movement but such ideas were revolutionary when they filmed this in 1969 so hopefully people don’t look at the movie with a 2025 viewpoint.

In any case, it was a surprise that much of the first half was just Strauss and Bergen attempting to reach Fort Reunion, many miles away. They then meet Donald Pleasence as ISAAC Q. CUMBER—that name is explained as “my daddy had a sense of humor.” His character was as colorful as you’d expect from someone named Isaac Q. Cumber. It’s only Act 3 that Fort Reunion is shown, then the massacre is shown. There’s some bloody moments in the Native American attack on the troops but it’s no comparison to the finale. Much of the film is light as it’s the two unexpected leads interacting w/ each other.

The climax is even more starting in that context. On its own, the content is still a shock. Women and children are beheaded, limbs are blown off, shot in the head, impaled… and there’s also sexual assault. The film’s an obvious Vietnam War allegory so the finale is also comparable to the similar My Lai Massacre in that country.

That scene is effective in its visceral power and shocking the viewer. Whether it was needed or not to tell its story—that is for you and your tastes to decide. This finale elevates the movie as a whole to a pretty good effort. IRL, there was an uproar in the 1860’s over the Sand Creek Massacre; Chivington’s political aspirations went out the window but otherwise wasn’t really punished for his role… heck, there’s a town nearby in Colorado named after him.

As for Buffy Sainte-Marie… she is a famous Canadian indigenous singer who has drawn attention to the First Nations people in Canada and received an order from that country’s government. Well, just two days ago that was rescinded—the Canadian news program The Fifth Estate did an investigation where it was revealed that she was actually a white woman from Massachusetts named Beverly! That was a big deal in the Great White North. I’ve seen that program; the claim her family made as to why they did not reveal this information to the public… according to them, she was going to utter a vile lie about her own family if they told the truth--it'll be too triggering for some if I specifically mention what it was. My opinion of her has been rather low ever since.

Sleeping Beauty

Yes, I reviewed the 1959 Disney classic, which I hadn't viewed since I was probably a little kid: 

Yep, I have Disney+ for the next month—Hulu, too. That will help me view a wide variety of films for the month of February, which was a silent goal I’ve had in mind since before the month began. What I’ll view on those platforms won’t always be “the popular” choices, although I may check out some beloved pictures I somehow haven’t tackled before. 

Sleeping Beauty is one I recall seeing when I was really young-although the details were quite hazy. Of course I recalled the three good fairies and due to the pair of films, the evil Maleficent. Without having seen those movies, I’m a little puzzled as to why they devoted one, let alone TWO pictures to a figure that curses an entire kingdom and damned an infant to die on her 16th birthday just because she’s “The Mistress of All Evil.” In any case, at least three good fairies have the plan to raise baby Aurora in the forest as-I suppose-a trio of women who could have a polyamorous relationship w/ each other; they certainly argued as if they were in a relationship!

To be less frivolous, the film is simply charming, great for all ages. Some moments are a little silly but that doesn’t seem too critically important when there’s a lovely soundtrack-based on the ballet from Tchaikovsky, some nice songs (especially Once Upon a Dream… heard often), a prince that proved to be a classical hero in the final act, a likable heroine in Aurora-even if they were a bit bland due to the circumstances-and charming good fairies who have three distinct personalities.

But naturally, it was the stunning animation & its aesthetics which were stunning. Only a few minutes in, seemingly all the colors of the rainbow were shown, literally making me utter, “wow.” Animators worked on the movie for the entirety of the 50’s; that effort is apparent. Regrettably for Disney, the storybook visuals and the story wasn’t enough for people at the time-the movie wasn’t a raging success and led to Disney’s animation department going down the toilet for a full three decades, only experiencing a renaissance starting with The Little Mermaid. 

Thankfully, the passage of time has allowed for Sleeping Beauty to be reevaluated, its attributes shining brighter. The animation (it looked amazing in “just” an HD stream. I can’t wait for a 4K release in the future—that should be a stunner) and Maleficent are good enough reasons alone to give this a shot if you love classic Disney animation and hadn’t seen this before—or like me hadn’t viewed it in at least 3 decades.

Yes, We Have No Bonanza

We're still deep in the 1939 era here: 

(Short # 39 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

Featuring a morbid gag involving a donkey. The animal doesn’t actually die, but they’re in the woods looking for buried treasure so they can pay off the debts their girlfriends have with their evil boss, who is also a bank robber. Guess who found the treasure that was buried in the woods… there’s a routine revolving around a stick of lit dynamite that lands by Yorick the donkey. Moe and Curly don’t realize their dog moved the stick away from the donkey. Kaboom, and there went flying the rack of meat they were going to eat… but they thought it was pieces of Yorick! Alas, Poor Yorick indeed.

Otherwise, it was a standard, hilarious tale where the first few minutes are the Stooges singing/dancing with their dames-they work at the same saloon-then they’re yelled at by their boss, then the action moves to a nice indoor set where rocks are thrown & they believe a jackass is blown up. That was funny but the laugh quotient increases during the final few minutes when they confront the villains, the heroes succeed, and Curly utters the title at the end... a rare Rick Dalton point at the screen moment.

As this features everything from a Hamlet reference to a wooden horse becoming involved in a chase w/ an automobile-a lasso is the reason why-Yes, We Have No Bonanza is a swell time.