The Hills Have Eyes Part II

The Hills Have Eyes Part II (1985)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Wes Craven

Starring: Tamara Stafford, Kevin Spiritas, Colleen Riley, Michael Berryman, John Bloom

From: VTC

Yes, I finally watched an infamous movie last night. I say that this is infamous in a bad way. It is a movie that Wes Craven himself said he only made for a paycheck and after the fact he disowned it. Also, early on there are plenty of flashbacks where characters go back to events of the first movie and that is obvious padding of the runtime. Well, Beast the dog from the original returns here and BEAST has a flashback. No kidding. It is indeed as hilarious and dumb as it sounds. Turns out, that isn't the only issue with the movie, not at all.

The plot: Bobby (Robert Houston, who returns for a cameo) is now an adult and he created a special fuel for dirtbikes. Really. The team he is a part of goes off for a desert race without him, and they're on a bus. He doesn't go as it's near the location of the events of the original movie. The team is a bunch of asstagonists and an adult lady named Rachel. A reveal concerning his character will make you groan or roll your eyes. No one remembers that the day is Daylight's Saving so it's an hour later (really, that's the important plot point) and they have to take a shortcut. The bus breaks down and as it turns out, there are some “family” members still out there who enjoy the taste of human flesh. That includes Michael Berryman returning as Pluto and a new dude who is played by an actor (Bloom) that was a legit 7 foot 4.

As you can tell from the plot description, there are problems throughout. The script is just bad. It is an 80's slasher film throughout, and a bad one at that, with most of the kills not being all that exciting or gory. The way that it's presented is bad; they really should have been more upfront in explaining that a main lady in the cast was supposed to be blind. Sure, sometimes she doesn't really act like it and you wonder if she has Daredevil powers, but they should have made it clear early on as I was not sure about it for too long a time. A paycheck movie, it is easy to see after the fact.

It's like Jason in the desert and in fact, the composer here was Harry Manfredini, who has done the score for most of the Friday the 13^th movies, and the music sounds like something from a Jason sequel; make of that what you will.

And like I mentioned, what asstagonist characters. Many of them are just damn annoying and you don't feel like rooting for them. The worst one was Harry, someone who bizarrely looks quite a bit like Andy Samberg, of all people.

So yep, this was as bad as I had heard, and not just for the dog flashback. I've never seen the remake and its sequel; I can say for sure that you should stick with the original 1977 film, which I talked about back in 2011. I'll be back tomorrow night.

A Documentary And More

I ended up changing my plans last night, partly due to not feeling so hot and I instead did other things to relax. I did not try to watch any of the movies on my queue about to expire. What I did was, I looked at the aforementioned secret site to see how many of those titles are there; some fit the bill so I added them there and another movie or two on YouTube. I still have plenty on the queue even after the great purge, so I am set there.

I already know what I'll be watching tonight so tomorrow night will be my usual review. This is despite what came out today in the videogame world, which is the downloadable game Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon, a game that doesn't require Far Cry 3 to play. It is an 80's-style action-adventure over the top game where the lead character is voiced by Michael Biehn! It sounds and looks incredible so I will be downloading it later today and I'll at least play a small amount of it tonight.

So, since I have the time I'll write about the documentary I saw last week. It was Special When Lit: A Pinball Documentary, a title that says it all. This 2009 film is a cursory look at various aspects of the pinball phenomenon, from its history to the characters today that are still hardcore fans (characters being the appropriate word), and the tournaments that take place. While you do wish to hear more about the various topics that are brought up, overall it still was interesting to watch. I found out about it from a podcast, and we all enjoy playing pinball in real life and in videogames. Yes, there are some pinball games for systems like the 360, and most of them are well worth playing. If you enjoy playing them too then this is especially worth seeing.

If only it didn't seem like that sometimes they were making fun of the strangest people they feature due to how they were presented. For example, there's a guy about 60 who has zero social skills and lives in a filthy house but is the hardest of the hardcore pinball fan and he was quite the person; if only he would have worn a shirt that fully covered his gut!

I'll be back tomorrow night.

The Men's Club

The Men's Club (1986)

Runtime: 101 minutes

Directed by: Peter Medak

Starring: Roy Scheider, David Dukes, Richard Jordan, Harvey Keitel, Frank Langella

From: Atlantic Releasing Corporation

Now, here is something out of the ordinary for me. I found out about this bizarre “only in the 80's” film from someone I know on Facebook. I have no idea how he found this-as it's now really obscure-but it's another movie on Netflix Instant that unfortunately is going away on the 1^st of May. That's why I had to watch it now. He described it as “David Mamet writing The Big Chill” mixed with “The Breakfast Club written by a hedonist”! Yeah, it is that strange. I mean, Roy Scheider says: “I love to f***! It's gonna be on my gravestone!” I swear to God above I am not making that up.

To steal the plot description from the IMDb:

“A group of men get together to form a "discussion group". They share their feelings about women, life, love, and work. The party gets rowdier and rowdier, and then the wife returns home. Thrown out, the men are not yet willing to call it a night... “

I mean, in the opening credits the women are listed as either “Wives & Girlfriends” or “House of Affection”, which is a... brothel! Yes, this is a real film which features the actors already listed plus Treat Williams, Stockard Channing, Craig Wasson, Cindy Pickett, and Jennifer Jason Leigh.

Wow what a misogynistic movie this is. Women in general look like shrill loathsome harpies, and Keitel (after taking a hit from a joint) brags about how he hit his wife and she cried and that gave him an erection! That's what you get from this talky movie. There's also a scene of knife-throwing, Roy Scheider saying, “A nice whiff of c***”, Frank Langella wears a paper plate mask (!?), Harvey Keitel telling someone to “make coffee and shove it up your ass!”, Treat Williams informing the group he hit a woman for eating a bite of his dessert (?!), an 80's soft jazz score, a visit to a brothel, a ventriloquist dummy, the aftermath of Roy and a random whore having really sweaty sex, a male character saying, “I think I'm gonna have an eruption!” to an erotic statement he heard, Frank-who is said to be hung like a horse!-getting asked in a crude way if he's gay (and this is after he has makeup applied to his face by Jennifer Jason Leigh), the males howling like dogs... and even more that I won't spoil.

The real reason to watch this isn't to be entertained by a good movie, as this certainly isn't it; rather, it's to be amazed at how strange and wrong-headed this is. I think that Keitel's character (and yeah, he gets nude; what a shock) wasn't the only one involved here who ingested drugs! Really, it's incredible. I suppose they got this cast together because this was based on some book I've never heard of, but seeing these guys do these things... strange. It is a shame it is going away on Instant as it was never released on DVD, probably to the relief of the big stars in the movie.

But hey, I had no idea that Roy Scheider could dance so well to Dixieland Jazz...

I'll be back Wednesday afternoon.

Order Of The Black Eagle/Street People

Order of the Black Eagle (1987)

Runtime: 93 minutes

Directed by: Worth Keeter

Starring: Ian Hunter, C.K. Bibby, William T. Hicks, Anna Rapunga, Jill Donnellan

From: Manson International

Street People (Gli Esecutori) (1976)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Maurizio Lucidi, Guglielmo Garroni

Starring: Roger Moore, Stacy Keach, Ivo Garrani, Fausto Tozzi

From: AIP

Here are two movies which are on Netflix Instant and are about to expire starting next month. The first one is a goofy send-up of a James Bond film, while the second one stars someone who was James Bond at the time. Works for me for a combo. I have seen the first one in the time I had done the blog but I wanted to wait to talk about it on a rainy day and it didn't happen, so I might as well watch it again.

Concerning Order of the Black Eagle I first heard about it from the Bad Movie Fiends podcast. The description really says it all, stolen right from Netflix: “A James Bond wannabe and his tank-driving baboon infiltrate a South American lair where Nazis scheme to revive a cryogenically frozen Adolf Hitler.” YES. All of that is true.

The movie stars DUNCAN JAX (Ian Hunter, not the former Mott the Hoople singer nor anyone else with the name; he only appeared in this and the first movie in this series, Unmasking the Idol, which I've never seen) as a secret agent type who has an M and a Japanese guy who is supposed to be Q. Hilariously, Hunter looks a lot like modern day Michael Bolton. He goes to South America to go against a German guy who looks like an even fatter version of Orson Welles in his final years. Duncan is aided by a real motley crue of people, from a guy who is supposed to be James Coburn from The Magnificent Seven to an enormous black guy, Not John Hillerman and Not Grace Jones, two guys who look like Grateful Dead roadies, and an 80's hot brunette. This is all true.

This is not a film to watch for the cogent script or masterful acting. Rather, watch it to see a massively entertaining film if you enjoy low-budget 80's action movies. The final 25 minuets or so are positively insane, with multiple massive explosions, multiple stuntment getting positively wrecked, and a baboon (who loves delivering the Up Yours gesture) driving the World War II amphibious vehicle known as the DUKW, or Duck. Utter insanity... and it's all great.

As for Street People, it's a poliziotteschi film starring Roger Moore and Stacy Keach and it's from AIP? Sure! However, I had heard it's not as good as expected so that's why I waited to see it. To steal another description from Netflix: “On direct orders from his mafia boss uncle (Ivo Garrani), swaggering lawyer Ulysses (Roger Moore) teams up with his reckless racecar driver bud Charlie (Stacy Keach) to find the gangsters responsible for smuggling a million dollars worth of heroin from Sicily to San Francisco inside a cross. Brazen backstabbing, chaotic car chases, life-and-death dilemmas and funny fistfights abound in this action-packed crime movie.”

Overall... I'll say that this is average and fine and nothing more; it certainly isn't like the other poliziotteschi films I have seen. Things just seem flat and while there certainly are nice moments, a nice car chase chase, another car destruction scene, and funny dialogue-especially between the two leads-but overall the other movies in the genre are just better, crazier, and more entertaining. The story is rather nonsensical and that doesn't help. According to the IMDb, the script was from NINE different people. That's usually a bad sign. And one of them was a dude who wrote Shaft and The French Connection, and another was from the guy who would go to direct Grease.

At least the music was appropriate for the genre (i.e. pretty groovy), there is some hilarious 70's clothing, and an adult establishment in San Francisco once offered the entertainment of “EXOTIC LADY WRESTLERS”. That made me laugh.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

Another Change Of Plans

I hate having to do this again but last night I went out to downtown Orlando to have a good time and well, I had a great time there, with TWO drunken ladies grinding their stuff on me and a GUY grabbing my ass and then giving me a hug for a picture; after that, today I just want to relax and watch the end of the NFL Draft before I go and see the latest UFC pay per view. I will be back tomorrow night with a review of more than one movie from Netflix and in a few days I MAY go to a drive-in to see a pair of theatrical films.

Broken Angel, An Old TV Movie

Broken Angel (1988)

Runtime: 93 minutes

Directed by: Richard T. Heffron

Starring: William Shatner, Susan Blakely, Brock Peters, Erika Eleniak

From: MGM/UA Television

Here is something highly unusual for me, a TV movie. I had heard about it from a messageboard last year and it sounded hilariously bad, and it is on Netflix Instant. Well, it is one of many movies that will be expiring from Instant on the 1^st of May so I figured I better watch this now. It aired originally on ABC way back in 1988.

I'll come up with my own plot description: Chuck Coburn (The Shat) and his wife Catherine (Blakely) are suburban parents who live outside of Los Angeles and they have what looks like a normal average family, including a high school aged daughter Jaime (Eleniak, who back then needed to have her eyebrows waxed real bad... unfortunately I presume the trend wasn't around in the late 80's) and a 13 year old son. Jaime goes to prom, where a drive-by happens (!) with a pistol (!!) and Jaime goes missing. Turns out, via some hilarious and unbelievable revelations, the kids aren't who mom and dad think they are; Chuck has to try and deal with various members of law enforcement as they try to locate where Jaime is.

The overall message of the movie, that parents should listen to their children and talk to them about their problems, is a good one, sure. However, it goes over the top and ridiculous in trying to tell the parents to be on the lookout for gangs. For example, apparently some of them are Satanic. Or that there are gangs filled with rich kids who drive around in BMW's. Really. You also find out that Jaime smokes pot and hangs out with a member of a gang. That's early on. Later you find out more about her, and it's so goofy it is funny. The son also has problems of his own, like him feeling his parents don't listen to him... and also being worried about nuclear war. Seriously.

But the highlight is when Chuck (who wears hilarious clothing throughout, from goofy suits to sweaters, a jean jacket with a hoodie attached to a glorious UCLA Bruins letterman's jacket) ends up stumbling into a gang hideout and he doesn't get gunned down but in fact escapes and fights with Al Leong! Straining credibility there, I say. So is a “gang brawl” that is G-rated. Oh, and you get to hear some punk music too; to steal a quote, it sounds like the I Hate You song you hear the punk blast on his jukebox before he gets Vulcan Neck Pinched by Spock in Star Trek IV.

So yeah, in 2013 this is great as entertainment, even if at the time the filmmakers were serious in talking about gang violence and the threat it is to teenagers who feel alone and disconnected from their parents. A nice messageboard find, for sure. I'll be back Saturday afternoon.

Rome Armed To The Teeth

Rome Armed To The Teeth (Roma A Mano Armata) (1976)

Runtime: 90 minutes (the copy I saw, anyway)

Directed by: Umberto Lenzi

Starring: Maurizio Merli, Arthur Kennedy, Giampiero Albertini, Maria Rosaria Omaggio, Tomas Milian

From: Dania Film

Yep, another poliziotteschi film for me. Don't worry, I'm still using Netflix Instant for the time being for stuff like documentaries, which I'll probably talk about in one big post where I briefly talk about some of them. For now I decided to watch this particular film solely due to the description I found on IMDb: “A tough, violent cop who doesn't mind bending the law goes after a machine-gun-carrying, hunchbacked psychotic killer.” YES

Turns out, once I watched the movie, that was part of the plot but the entire story is that the loosest of loose cannon cops (Merli, who has an appropriate cop 'stache) goes after a criminal organization which the hunchbacked psychotic killer (Milian) is a part of. The cop-Leonardo Tanzi-deals with various thugs who go after him and his lady (Omaggio) but also deals with other random criminals, from a guy missing a hand to young rich punks who enjoy gang-raping women. Yeah, this is a pretty sleazy tale, no surprise given the director.

Overall, while I could have done without the gang-rape stuff (even if most of it isn't shown; there's still a bit where it's implied they use or are about to use a big piece of wood as “a giant wooden dildo”) and seeing multiple women get slapped around, this was still SO wildly entertaining and fun, I enjoyed it all. Tanzi isn't afraid to beat the crap out of suspects in his custody to get the right answers, including kicking them in the balls; that is a trademark of his, hitting people below the belt. Seeing him wreck dudes is always a delight. You better believe he catches up to the gang-rapists and what happens to them... satisfying.

You get the expected here, with shootouts, car chases, brawls, and getting to see Alfa Romeo's, Fiat 500's, and Citroen DS vehicles all around. Here, Tanzi pulls a John McClane and crawls around in air conditioning ducts. That was interesting. So was seeing Kennedy, who appeared in such movies as Lawrence of Arabia and The Glass Menagerie.

So yeah, this is another nice example of a movie in a genre that I think is pretty damn awesome. I'll be back Thursday afternoon.