I Saw the New Masters of the Universe So You Don't Have To

To say that I loathed this movie is a massive understatement: 

This is Exhibit A in “What I Don't Like About Modern Movies.”

Yesterday, I saw a pair of movies theatrically; the other one (which will have a take even more controversial than my belief that the new Masters of the Universe is perhaps one of the worst movies I ever saw in a cinema!) really won't make people happy but I have to be honest here. I am not even a He-Man fan; there's really no memories of the 80's cartoon yet the only reason why I even bothered: an early theatrical memory was seeing the 1987 movie with my late mother & two younger sisters. The trailers for the new movie inspired no confidence yet there was no idea the tone would be antithetical to what I wanted in what should have been a rousing adventure where the lead goes on a Hero's Journey to save his land by vanquishing an evil dastardly villain, gaining revenge in the process.

Now, the Dolph Lundgren picture was B-movie trash that was unfortunately hampered by massive budget cuts yet everyone in the cast took the picture seriously, especially Frank Langella as Skeletor, who delivered dialogue you'd hear in a serious stage play yet he made it work.

Unfortunately, yesterday was a bad day in general, so this was the wrong movie on the wrong Thursday for me... I have to be brutally honest even if no one else despised every single second like I did. The reason why I don't view “modern comedies” is because they are as funny to me as a brain tumor; well, this movie is a “modern comedy” first & foremost, yet I did not laugh a SINGLE time despite all the cringe humor, awkward moments, and the movie literally telling everyone that “He-Man” and characters w/ names like "Ram Man" and "Fisto" are stupid and are a source of mockery! No, this happened. I knew I made a grave mistake after the “babbling idiot” narration of the opening, the rancid humor that was especially wretched in the opening act, then Amazon Prime product placement every bit as bad as in Ice Cube's War of the Worlds!

I realize that this franchise began as a Mattel toy line that morphed into an 80's cartoon but talk about insulting the legacy of Roger Sweet, a toy designer who played a critical role in creating that line and just passed away in late April at the age of 91 due to dementia.

Ironically, Jared Leto was the least of this dreck's problems. He spoke in such a goofy voice anyhow, didn't sound anything like him. When there's the other nonsense I've mentioned or will mention and there's blatant, insultingly lazy needle-drop references to MUCH better movies of the past...

I hated this movie as nothing was serious-so who gave a damn about any dramatic stakes? I sure as hell didn't-every character was irritating, a cliché, or an irritating cliché (this includes the emasculated Adam, who was usually an insufferable idiot), the failed “humor” undercut any serious tension, and was fingernails on a chalkboard for over 2, long, miserable hours. I realize the lowest-possible rating is harsh even with something as atrocious as thing. After all, there are some colorful moments, the Daniel Pemberton score was cool, and I'm glad to have seen the pretty Camila Mendes in a movie. Be that as it may, everything else was so irritating, that ruined the film beyond all measure.

The final act was a special kind of disaster; not only was there an utterly baffling sequence so bad I should have walked out of the auditorium then & there... except that I would have missed something only realized after the movie—a secondary battle during the climax had no resolution! Yes, it's possible my brain blacked out during the climax, my hoping that the sweet embrace of Death would take a-hold of me to free me from this putrid film, but I swear this happened. There's no hate on everyone else for liking the movie more than me-that doesn't mean I'm not perplexed as to why.

Perhaps I should be most upset at myself; most modern movies like the new Masters of the Universe that are apparently designed to be Chinese Water Torture for me are successfully avoided. A genial childhood memory should not have influenced what I view at the cinema. At the same time, if THIS is an example of old beloved properties being modernized for modern audiences, I'm still offended as it means that those properties are being dumped on and made fun of, because it's allegedly “cool.”

It seems like at least for the past 20 years there were rumors that there'd be a new Masters of the Universe which would be proper to the franchise and have most of the action on Eternia. What a colossal disappointment that THIS is what we got. Somehow, this is from the CEO of Laika!!!!??? WTF? The highlight of the screening was the trailer for their new film.

Note that this movie is so worthless, that even a postmodern “humorous” catastrophe like this couldn't do better than a lame reference to the HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA meme I didn't even register until after arriving back home! I could write a doctoral thesis on how angry I was at this gigantic waste of time; however, too much's been said already so instead I'll conclude: this makes the 1987 Masters of the Universe look like a Robert Bresson movie!

Mudhoney

Mudhoney (1965)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Russ Meyer

Starring: Hal Hopper, Antoinette Cristiani, John Furlong, Rena Horten, Princess Livingston

From: Eve Productions 

In this special late nite post, I mention that recently, I referenced both Southern Gothic melodramas and Russ Meyer; why not watch a film that contained both? Eons ago-back during the good old days of TCM Underground-I saw a fragment of this; what was remembered the most was the incredibly distinctive Princess Livingston. She was an older, portly lady with bug eyes and missing teeth who laughed uproariously, creating a horrifying visage. Turns out, that character behaved this way often.

She was not the lead of Mudhoney. Rather, that was a dude named CALIFORNIA, from Michigan who was bumming rides to California in the early 1930’s but stuck around working on a farm in Missouri as he fell for the niece of the farm’s owner. Problem is, she already has a husband-a major abusive alcoholic SOB named Sidney. He’s one of many crazy people encountered in the town of Spooner, including a deaf-mute girl, Livingston as Maggie Marie, and several other funny-looking folks.

This movie is overheated and a lot. Expect plenty of yelling, arguing, & laughing; that is not always a negative and while this is not a motion picture to revisit often, that doesn’t mean this melodrama did not entertain me. For something low-budget and not under the auspices of the Hays Code, it was no surprise that this included everything from mild cursing and sexual assault to several topless women & acting that greatly varied in quality, although some performances were legitimately fine. John Furlong was alright as Temu George C. Scott… er, I mean California, but Hal Hopper was a highlight as the sleazeball Sidney.

The atmosphere in Mudhoney was sweltering; that helped make this film a trashy good time, sleazy yet perversely fun between the sinners, the cracked preacher, the potbellied sheriff, bearded men that only wear overalls, & so much more. Besides the tawdry entertainment this provided, it is impressive that not only was a popular grunge band named after the film, because producer Danger Mouse is a fan of Meyer and had the film’s poster in this studio, that’s why when Norah Jones worked w/ him for the 2012 album Little Broken Hearts, the cover of the album was a riff on the poster.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Directed by: Howard Hawks

Starring: Jane Russell, Marilyn Monroe, Charles Coburn, Elliott Reid, Tommy Noonan

From: 20th Century Fox

Marilyn Monroe was born on June 1, 1926; there was no better movie for me to pay tribute to a star still iconic today. I've already viewed & reviewed Some Like it Hot & The Asphalt Jungle in the past; when TCM played this last night, why not see a Howard Hawks movie new to me? He didn't direct the musical scenes but the film as a whole is solid, despite musical comedies not being my forte.

Monroe and Jane Russell (no relation) are pals who nevertheless are quite different from each other. One example is that Marilyn has a beau, despite the beau's father objecting, believing she's after his money. As she swoons over an old rich dude nicknamed PIGGY due to his owning a diamond mine, her future father-in-law hired a private eye to track her... the PI falls for Russell's character.

There are catchy songs-the presumption is that there aren't many tunes out there written about Little Rock, Arkansas!-funny moments, amusing characters, and the lead two dames never not looking stunning on screen. It was easy to fall for both women & their characters, although the focus was on Monroe, whose star was rising. What a spotlight that was shone on her.

For those not familiar, this is the film w/ the legendary scene where Marilyn wore that long pink dress and sang Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend. What a number that is: many participants, including various women suspended on the ceiling as a chandelier or on the ground as candelabras. This routine both looked & sounded impressive.

While this normally isn't in my wheelhouse, I was still entertained by Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. This was a nice platform for the talents of Ms. Monroe. I'm glad that many around the world celebrated this particular anniversary yesterday. For all her personal demons and her death that forever will be clouded w/ mystery, movies like this demonstrate why even in 2026, millions are still fans of the lady born Norma Jeane Mortenson.

Do or Die

Do or Die (1991)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: Andy Sidaris

Starring: The usual Sidaris players, plus the likes of Erik Estrada... and PAT MORITA!

From: Malibu Bay Films 

Featuring:

Temu John Stamos
Temu William Zabka
Pandora Peaks
PAT MORITA giving a naked lady a shiatsu massage
This lady then massaged Morita and GAVE HIM A BONER. Thankfully in this case, this was told rather than shown
Cajun music
Model airplanes
A cat death, unfortunately
Exploding baseballs

This sure was an Andy Sidaris movie. I haven’t seen all of his films (nor do I want to) but it’s been ages since one has been peeped, and I was curious to see a former Oscar nominee in Morita as the villain in one of his pictures.

Morita is a heel who wishes to kill the “legendary” duo of Dona Spier and Roberta Vasquez, but he wants it to be “a challenge” so various teams of assassins target the pair throughout. This is as complex as the plot becomes. The lead women are assisted by several pals, including Erik Estrada-in a different role than the one he had in the last Sidaris picture, Guns-Peaks, series regular Edy Stark, and the Great Value actors & Temu Stamos-another Abilene in the Sidaris Cinematic Universe who can’t shoot a gun straight.

Morita had an incredibly easy gig; after the opening scene by the Hawaiian beach, he hung out w/ that young Asian lady as they gave each other massages, sat around, stood around, and were in bed together. Speaking of that, the film has several gratuitous sex scenes, including one w/ Estrada! The action is alright; nothing will top the insanity of the action beats in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, although at least there are some nice explosions.

Ultimately, the viewer should have the right expectations with an Andy Sidaris film. In a Pre-Internet era, poppycock like Do or Die gave viewers of a certain demographic what they yearned for: easy access to T&A, not to mention cheesy action. Concerning Pandora Peaks, she later had a documentary made about her… by Russ Meyer! I’m happy that Meyer and Sidaris have only two degrees of separation. Self-reminder: see more movies from Russ Meyer.

 

Vagabond

Vagabond (Sans Toit Ni Loi) (1985)

Runtime: 106 minutes

Directed by: Agnes Varda

Starring: Sandrine Bonnaire, Macha Meril, Stephane Freiss, Setti Ramdane, Francis Balchere

From: A few different European companies

I don’t have to ask: everyone will be APPALLED that this is my first Agnes Varda picture. Of course, the gender of a director bears no impact on what films I’ve seen. Many of the “popular” modern films from women haven’t been seen due to a lack of interest but various old genre film directed by females have been reviewed before. As she’s a highly-regarded director and I felt bad when Godard was an A-hole to her soon before they both passed away in recent years… about time a film from Varda was reviewed.

Vagabond was selected due to its availability on the Criterion Channel and the plot description. The opening is a lady named Mona found dead in a ditch at a vineyard. The rest of the picture is a flashback which reveal the last few weeks of her life. The keystone detail to note: the opinions of Mona are only framed via the opinions of a panoply of different people she encounters as those people addressed the camera directly, rather than any opinions that Mona expressed herself. How much of their recollections are accurate and aren’t an unreliable narrator is up to interpretation.

Vagabond by design is not an easy watch between the spiraling downfall of the main character, the manner in which she’s treated, and her own obvious faults that make her flawed at best, quite unlikable at worst. That said, Mona was a fascinating character, brought to life excellently by Sandrine Bonnaire. Buttressed by solid turns from the rest of the cast, confident direction from Varga, a violin-driven score from Joanna Bruzdowicz made this a worthwhile journey even if the protagonist is one who yearned to be free-her backstory is presented during one segment-and her slow, inevitable downfall is a sad journey.

In the future, I’ll see more from Agnes Varda-some mutuals noted that this movie felt atypical for her-and eventually, my first Chantal Akerman will be experienced. One Varda I know of has the English title KUNG-FU MASTER! Besides that not being a direct translation of its original French title, it’s a bizarre reference to the old 80’s arcade game in a movie that only is tangentially related to said arcade game and is a twisted romantic drama instead of a martial arts or action picture.

 

Squirm

Squirm (1976)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Jeff Lieberman

Starring: Don Scardino, Patricia Pearcy, R.A. Dow, Jean Sullivan, Fran Higgins

From: AIP 

I’ve known of Squirm for many years; about time I finally gave the movie a shot, right? It’s nice to cross off films from my figurative (not to mention literal) watchlists.

This is a nature gone amok motion picture which in the first half more resembled a sweaty Southern Gothic drama where the Brundlefly combination of Sissy Spacek, Lea Thompson, & Kerri Green welcomes Not Willem Dafoe as he arrives from New York City to her rural Georgia town that’s still hot & humid despite the late September date-as someone who lives in Florida, that’s accurate. The nature gone amok plot point: a nasty thunderstorm resulted in downed power lines, resulting in killer carnivorous worms attacking man & animal. Note that we see macro photography of the worms… who scream! That sound effect was taken from Carrie, believe it or not.

The movie takes its time as you get to know the key characters, including a silver-fox sleazy sheriff and a WORM FARMER named Roger who was a rather strong country bumpkin in this sea of country bumpkins w/ strong Southern accents, although lead girl Geri’s sister Alma entertained me the most-she was the biggest redneck in the film & was unintentionally hysterical.

Once the second half hits, the special effects arrive; some are cheesy, sure, but others are from the legend, Rick Baker-those were effective. Squirm is quite silly-especially with how tidy and short the resolution was. At the same time, the setting and characters brought me much joy. Somewhere in the multiverse, this would have starred Martin Sheen, Kim Basinger, & Stallone (!! He lobbied to get the role. The world missed out on Sly as Roger, the worm farmer redneck) yet the unknowns and randoms in the film ranged from adequate to pretty good.

Squirm is not a must-see, unless you have a fetish for worms. At the same time, I was not left crestfallen after finally checking out a movie I’ve known of for literal decades.

Hips, Hips, Hooray!

Hips, Hips, Hooray! (1934)

Runtime: 67 minutes

Directed by: Mark Sandrich

Starring: Bert Wheeler, Robert Woolsey, Thelma Todd, Dorothy Lee, George Meeker

From: RKO

In this special late nite Letterboxd posting, I reveal that this is my first Wheeler & Woosley film. Even on Letterboxd, I imagine that not everyone who views Pre-Code pictures will be familiar with the vaudeville turned movie actor duo Bert Wheeler and Robert Woolsley. I have known of them for years since it took until last night to finally pull the trigger. This was found-via the Bowels of the Internet-due to stumbling upon a recent review which proclaimed how racy the movie was.

This is piffle where the duo are cheap humbugs that sell… flavored lipstick on street corners without a license. They fanoodle around and meet Dorothy Lee, a common sight in their movies. She’s connected to a beauty-supply company and that’s about all the viewer needs to know. Hips is never uproariously or a knee-slapper, yet there were funny scenarios, amusing puns, running gags, sight gags new to me, and absurd scenarios. Plus, there’s even a few songs, including one from Ruth Etting, as herself. She’s a singer turned actress popular at the time who is long-forgotten by now.

The film features moments racy even for a Pre-Code. There’s a gag involving a woman’s cleavage, other dames are in what appeared to be fishtanks, and yet more appear in rather revealing outfits, which included a bit of side-boob. There is a scene rather creepy by 2026 standards where the duo… kiss those women in the revealing outfits so they can guess what flavored lipstick they have on. What a sight it was to see someone who looked like a Brundlefly combination of Orville Redenbacher & a tortoise kiss multiple young women! But boy, is it unfortunate that one of the two detectives following the duo is named… Epstein.

Hips did make me laugh so I was happy to see this; I didn’t even mind that this was basically a loosely-strung together series of gags. It was nice seeing Thelma Todd, a charming young blonde who sadly passed away at the age of 29 via circumstances that could have been her taking her life, or could have been murder. On a lighter note, it was nice to see Phyllis Berry in a smaller role-she was in the 1939 Three Stooges short Three Little Sew and Sews. They plus Lee all did swell jobs.

As the film also featured a few songs and a rather wild song & dance number, I was entertained by this piffle, which was only 67 minutes long. It may be many months in the future, but eventually more Wheeler & Woolsey will be witnessed.