Alone in the Dark

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: Uwe Boll

Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner, Will Sanderson

From: Several different companies in the United States, Canada, & Germany

It was not the intention to watch another poorly-rated movie; starting tomorrow, I’ll return to a more cheerful disposition & see cinema I actually like. However, a mutual recently mentioned that I should watch “bad movies” more often. Well, I haven’t done this as often in recent years but in the past I once in awhile would watch such tripe as bad old B-movies, more than one effort from the notorious Uwe Boll and even in this decade, I’ve partaken in Madame Web, Cats, and the Ice Cube War of the Worlds-all are indeed rancid.

Unlike my last two reviews, I don’t foresee anyone becoming extraordinarily angry or befuddled why I found Alone in the Dark to be a disaster. Not only do most find the movie terrible, I actually did watch this before, like 20 years ago! So little was retained from the initial viewing, this might as well have been a first-time-watch. Boy, is this barely-based on a videogame picture incredibly bad. It’s irrelevant that none of those games in the franchise have been played, or that I know nothing about the franchise.

The film opens w/ a hilarious, rambling, massive infodump attempting to explain this nonsense plot. Frankly, the details aren’t important; this involves a vanished civilization, the paranormal, portals… things happen, but the viewer won’t give a darn about the scenarios or the characters, unless you get offended at the blatant ripoff of scenes from Aliens like I did. It’s all poorly told, utterly bewildering; I haven’t hated every Boll that’s been tackled but he’s tremendously flawed and most are pretty bad. It was clear why most of the details were long-forgotten.

There’s also an elephant in the room; it’s nice seeing the lead players & I can’t complain about the performances of Christian Slater or Stephen Dorff; I’m glad that both are still acting in films that at least get some sort of theatrical release. However, the decision to cast TARA REID as an archaeologist/museum curator was as absurd as described. That performance wasn’t great and she’ll never be a master thespian but I hate to eviscerate her. I’ve never hated Ms. Reid as there’s been no reason to & I feel bad that she’s had those “personal demons” for years. It was only unintended irony that the CG resembles a 2005 videogame, which is not a compliment.

I’ll be happy to soon forget most of Alone in the Dark again. This does not even have the temerity to be funny-bad like The House of the Dead with all its astounding creative choices. Alone is simply a mind-numbing, unenjoyable experience. Boy, am I now anxious to start watching good cinema again!

I Didn't Like Obsession, Either!

I explain why: 

This is Exhibit A in “Why most horror movies that cinephiles love made this century are massively overrated in my eyes.” Strap in folks, this'll be a long one...

If people weren't mad that I thought the new Masters of the Universe was one of the worst motion pictures I've ever seen, they will at my not even liking Obsession, let alone swooning over how it's "a masterpiece" like everyone else. No one's more disappointed than myself that this is my honest opinion. For context's sake, it has to be noted that while my opinions of modern movies are different from many on Letterboxd, that is especially so when it comes to the horror genre & what's been made in the 21st century.

I'm talking everything from the French Extreme films, Elevated Horror, indie darlings, and all the rest. Plenty I've skipped as there's been no interest. Now, I do rate films like Get Out and The Witch highly. Otherwise, It Follows, Hereditary, The Babadook, The Lighthouse, Talk to Me, Barbarian, the Candyman remake, the other Jordan Peele films-among many others-rate from “fine, I guess” to “mediocre” to “bad.”

Regrettably, what works for most people concerning such motion pictures just does nothing for me. For transparency's sake, the film was watched on Thursday, which was just a piss-poor day in general. Yet, even if the day was great, I got to go on a date with Inde Navarrette, and we attended a screening of this film... my opinion would be the same. The general idea was great-unfortunately, this did not work for me on a fundamental level. “Low-lighting” is one of the many modern cliches in this genre that I thumb my nose at, although that is also an industry-wide problem, as is “plots that make no sense if you apply even a modicum of logic to them,” “shallow focus” and “center-framed.”

Not Charlie Kirk... er, I mean “Bear” being a sad-sack pathetic loser is one thing. The fact that Nikki was his friend/co-worker for years and he was too much of a fraidy-cat to express his feelings is goofy, but I guess that's popular now to have an abhorrent horror protagonist, especially if it's a man. What I detested: the scares coming from Nikki YELLING, staring for seconds on end, sporting a goofy expression, staring for seconds on end while sporting a goofy expression, moving like she's a supernatural creature, the jump-scares, or those unnecessary gross-out moments-I couldn't be more opposed to this decision.

For those thinking that I loathed the constant F-bombs or the cat dying early on-yes, both are just irksome tropes in-what happened with the cat later was extremely unnecessary and I hated the movie the longer it went and the stupider/more unbelievable it became. If this was a short in an anthology-speaking of that, the ONLY good horror anthology made this century is Trick 'R Treat-and derived its scares & tension differently, then I'd probably love this. Perhaps that would also have less editing/continuity issues that stuck out large for me as someone who usually doesn't notice such things...

There are even bigger issues (such as how the female characters were treated) or how surface-level everything was but that'd be spoiler territory that won't be dived into. Obsession is another movie I could write a doctoral thesis about to list all the cardinal problems I had w/ the story and characters. Sigh... I'm still glad a random horror movie featuring an original idea has been such an unexpected hit that at least in the United States is still drawing big crowds and hysterically did better at the box office for a few days than the new STAR WARS movie... I'm glad most critics and fans love it-I just don't get it myself.

I can say that there were some nice subtle moments-there needed to be far more of those-and while the cast was hit or miss w/ me, Ms. Navarrette was by far the highlight. I could have an existential crisis over why June so far has been so crummy, why I've always felt like an outcast, why modern cinema is just so unappealing in totality, or more specifically why critics, the general public, and cinephiles have gone bananas over this film.

Perhaps I shouldn't worry too much, be optimistic that the rest of June will be better, and go back to a previous mindset of being baffled yet not worry about what's “popular” in recent years. After all, ever since I saw a Tweet last year describing the love for Everything, Everywhere, All at Once as “COVID-induced mass hysteria,” it makes me happy that a small segment are happy to be vocal over abominations like that insufferable crap was, no matter what “the masses” believe. Christ, that was much worse than even Obsession.

I'm glad that films like this and Backrooms (something that stands a good chance of eliciting another negative reaction from me) exist and aren't the lame, safe garbage Hollywood has made for far too long. Be that as it may, watching horror from the 20th century is just MUCH more gratifying for my tastes, no matter its flavor-Gothic, giallo, slasher, krimi, supernatural, etc. Sometimes I should just be satisfied that I'm “different” & not like anyone else.

I Saw the New Masters of the Universe So You Don't Have To

To say that I loathed this movie is a massive understatement: 

This is Exhibit A in “What I Don't Like About Modern Movies.”

Yesterday, I saw a pair of movies theatrically; the other one (which will have a take even more controversial than my belief that the new Masters of the Universe is perhaps one of the worst movies I ever saw in a cinema!) really won't make people happy but I have to be honest here. I am not even a He-Man fan; there's really no memories of the 80's cartoon yet the only reason why I even bothered: an early theatrical memory was seeing the 1987 movie with my late mother & two younger sisters. The trailers for the new movie inspired no confidence yet there was no idea the tone would be antithetical to what I wanted in what should have been a rousing adventure where the lead goes on a Hero's Journey to save his land by vanquishing an evil dastardly villain, gaining revenge in the process.

Now, the Dolph Lundgren picture was B-movie trash that was unfortunately hampered by massive budget cuts yet everyone in the cast took the picture seriously, especially Frank Langella as Skeletor, who delivered dialogue you'd hear in a serious stage play yet he made it work.

Unfortunately, yesterday was a bad day in general, so this was the wrong movie on the wrong Thursday for me... I have to be brutally honest even if no one else despised every single second like I did. The reason why I don't view “modern comedies” is because they are as funny to me as a brain tumor; well, this movie is a “modern comedy” first & foremost, yet I did not laugh a SINGLE time despite all the cringe humor, awkward moments, and the movie literally telling everyone that “He-Man” and characters w/ names like "Ram Man" and "Fisto" are stupid and are a source of mockery! No, this happened. I knew I made a grave mistake after the “babbling idiot” narration of the opening, the rancid humor that was especially wretched in the opening act, then Amazon Prime product placement every bit as bad as in Ice Cube's War of the Worlds!

I realize that this franchise began as a Mattel toy line that morphed into an 80's cartoon but talk about insulting the legacy of Roger Sweet, a toy designer who played a critical role in creating that line and just passed away in late April at the age of 91 due to dementia.

Ironically, Jared Leto was the least of this dreck's problems. He spoke in such a goofy voice anyhow, didn't sound anything like him. When there's the other nonsense I've mentioned or will mention and there's blatant, insultingly lazy needle-drop references to MUCH better movies of the past...

I hated this movie as nothing was serious-so who gave a damn about any dramatic stakes? I sure as hell didn't-every character was irritating, a cliché, or an irritating cliché (this includes the emasculated Adam, who was usually an insufferable idiot), the failed “humor” undercut any serious tension, and was fingernails on a chalkboard for over 2, long, miserable hours. I realize the lowest-possible rating is harsh even with something as atrocious as thing. After all, there are some colorful moments, the Daniel Pemberton score was cool, and I'm glad to have seen the pretty Camila Mendes in a movie. Be that as it may, everything else was so irritating, that ruined the film beyond all measure.

The final act was a special kind of disaster; not only was there an utterly baffling sequence so bad I should have walked out of the auditorium then & there... except that I would have missed something only realized after the movie—a secondary battle during the climax had no resolution! Yes, it's possible my brain blacked out during the climax, my hoping that the sweet embrace of Death would take a-hold of me to free me from this putrid film, but I swear this happened. There's no hate on everyone else for liking the movie more than me-that doesn't mean I'm not perplexed as to why.

Perhaps I should be most upset at myself; most modern movies like the new Masters of the Universe that are apparently designed to be Chinese Water Torture for me are successfully avoided. A genial childhood memory should not have influenced what I view at the cinema. At the same time, if THIS is an example of old beloved properties being modernized for modern audiences, I'm still offended as it means that those properties are being dumped on and made fun of, because it's allegedly “cool.”

It seems like at least for the past 20 years there were rumors that there'd be a new Masters of the Universe which would be proper to the franchise and have most of the action on Eternia. What a colossal disappointment that THIS is what we got. Somehow, this is from the CEO of Laika!!!!??? WTF? The highlight of the screening was the trailer for their new film.

Note that this movie is so worthless, that even a postmodern “humorous” catastrophe like this couldn't do better than a lame reference to the HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA meme I didn't even register until after arriving back home! I could write a doctoral thesis on how angry I was at this gigantic waste of time; however, too much's been said already so instead I'll conclude: this makes the 1987 Masters of the Universe look like a Robert Bresson movie!

Mudhoney

Mudhoney (1965)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Russ Meyer

Starring: Hal Hopper, Antoinette Cristiani, John Furlong, Rena Horten, Princess Livingston

From: Eve Productions 

In this special late nite post, I mention that recently, I referenced both Southern Gothic melodramas and Russ Meyer; why not watch a film that contained both? Eons ago-back during the good old days of TCM Underground-I saw a fragment of this; what was remembered the most was the incredibly distinctive Princess Livingston. She was an older, portly lady with bug eyes and missing teeth who laughed uproariously, creating a horrifying visage. Turns out, that character behaved this way often.

She was not the lead of Mudhoney. Rather, that was a dude named CALIFORNIA, from Michigan who was bumming rides to California in the early 1930’s but stuck around working on a farm in Missouri as he fell for the niece of the farm’s owner. Problem is, she already has a husband-a major abusive alcoholic SOB named Sidney. He’s one of many crazy people encountered in the town of Spooner, including a deaf-mute girl, Livingston as Maggie Marie, and several other funny-looking folks.

This movie is overheated and a lot. Expect plenty of yelling, arguing, & laughing; that is not always a negative and while this is not a motion picture to revisit often, that doesn’t mean this melodrama did not entertain me. For something low-budget and not under the auspices of the Hays Code, it was no surprise that this included everything from mild cursing and sexual assault to several topless women & acting that greatly varied in quality, although some performances were legitimately fine. John Furlong was alright as Temu George C. Scott… er, I mean California, but Hal Hopper was a highlight as the sleazeball Sidney.

The atmosphere in Mudhoney was sweltering; that helped make this film a trashy good time, sleazy yet perversely fun between the sinners, the cracked preacher, the potbellied sheriff, bearded men that only wear overalls, & so much more. Besides the tawdry entertainment this provided, it is impressive that not only was a popular grunge band named after the film, because producer Danger Mouse is a fan of Meyer and had the film’s poster in this studio, that’s why when Norah Jones worked w/ him for the 2012 album Little Broken Hearts, the cover of the album was a riff on the poster.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Directed by: Howard Hawks

Starring: Jane Russell, Marilyn Monroe, Charles Coburn, Elliott Reid, Tommy Noonan

From: 20th Century Fox

Marilyn Monroe was born on June 1, 1926; there was no better movie for me to pay tribute to a star still iconic today. I've already viewed & reviewed Some Like it Hot & The Asphalt Jungle in the past; when TCM played this last night, why not see a Howard Hawks movie new to me? He didn't direct the musical scenes but the film as a whole is solid, despite musical comedies not being my forte.

Monroe and Jane Russell (no relation) are pals who nevertheless are quite different from each other. One example is that Marilyn has a beau, despite the beau's father objecting, believing she's after his money. As she swoons over an old rich dude nicknamed PIGGY due to his owning a diamond mine, her future father-in-law hired a private eye to track her... the PI falls for Russell's character.

There are catchy songs-the presumption is that there aren't many tunes out there written about Little Rock, Arkansas!-funny moments, amusing characters, and the lead two dames never not looking stunning on screen. It was easy to fall for both women & their characters, although the focus was on Monroe, whose star was rising. What a spotlight that was shone on her.

For those not familiar, this is the film w/ the legendary scene where Marilyn wore that long pink dress and sang Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend. What a number that is: many participants, including various women suspended on the ceiling as a chandelier or on the ground as candelabras. This routine both looked & sounded impressive.

While this normally isn't in my wheelhouse, I was still entertained by Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. This was a nice platform for the talents of Ms. Monroe. I'm glad that many around the world celebrated this particular anniversary yesterday. For all her personal demons and her death that forever will be clouded w/ mystery, movies like this demonstrate why even in 2026, millions are still fans of the lady born Norma Jeane Mortenson.

Do or Die

Do or Die (1991)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: Andy Sidaris

Starring: The usual Sidaris players, plus the likes of Erik Estrada... and PAT MORITA!

From: Malibu Bay Films 

Featuring:

Temu John Stamos
Temu William Zabka
Pandora Peaks
PAT MORITA giving a naked lady a shiatsu massage
This lady then massaged Morita and GAVE HIM A BONER. Thankfully in this case, this was told rather than shown
Cajun music
Model airplanes
A cat death, unfortunately
Exploding baseballs

This sure was an Andy Sidaris movie. I haven’t seen all of his films (nor do I want to) but it’s been ages since one has been peeped, and I was curious to see a former Oscar nominee in Morita as the villain in one of his pictures.

Morita is a heel who wishes to kill the “legendary” duo of Dona Spier and Roberta Vasquez, but he wants it to be “a challenge” so various teams of assassins target the pair throughout. This is as complex as the plot becomes. The lead women are assisted by several pals, including Erik Estrada-in a different role than the one he had in the last Sidaris picture, Guns-Peaks, series regular Edy Stark, and the Great Value actors & Temu Stamos-another Abilene in the Sidaris Cinematic Universe who can’t shoot a gun straight.

Morita had an incredibly easy gig; after the opening scene by the Hawaiian beach, he hung out w/ that young Asian lady as they gave each other massages, sat around, stood around, and were in bed together. Speaking of that, the film has several gratuitous sex scenes, including one w/ Estrada! The action is alright; nothing will top the insanity of the action beats in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, although at least there are some nice explosions.

Ultimately, the viewer should have the right expectations with an Andy Sidaris film. In a Pre-Internet era, poppycock like Do or Die gave viewers of a certain demographic what they yearned for: easy access to T&A, not to mention cheesy action. Concerning Pandora Peaks, she later had a documentary made about her… by Russ Meyer! I’m happy that Meyer and Sidaris have only two degrees of separation. Self-reminder: see more movies from Russ Meyer.

 

Vagabond

Vagabond (Sans Toit Ni Loi) (1985)

Runtime: 106 minutes

Directed by: Agnes Varda

Starring: Sandrine Bonnaire, Macha Meril, Stephane Freiss, Setti Ramdane, Francis Balchere

From: A few different European companies

I don’t have to ask: everyone will be APPALLED that this is my first Agnes Varda picture. Of course, the gender of a director bears no impact on what films I’ve seen. Many of the “popular” modern films from women haven’t been seen due to a lack of interest but various old genre film directed by females have been reviewed before. As she’s a highly-regarded director and I felt bad when Godard was an A-hole to her soon before they both passed away in recent years… about time a film from Varda was reviewed.

Vagabond was selected due to its availability on the Criterion Channel and the plot description. The opening is a lady named Mona found dead in a ditch at a vineyard. The rest of the picture is a flashback which reveal the last few weeks of her life. The keystone detail to note: the opinions of Mona are only framed via the opinions of a panoply of different people she encounters as those people addressed the camera directly, rather than any opinions that Mona expressed herself. How much of their recollections are accurate and aren’t an unreliable narrator is up to interpretation.

Vagabond by design is not an easy watch between the spiraling downfall of the main character, the manner in which she’s treated, and her own obvious faults that make her flawed at best, quite unlikable at worst. That said, Mona was a fascinating character, brought to life excellently by Sandrine Bonnaire. Buttressed by solid turns from the rest of the cast, confident direction from Varga, a violin-driven score from Joanna Bruzdowicz made this a worthwhile journey even if the protagonist is one who yearned to be free-her backstory is presented during one segment-and her slow, inevitable downfall is a sad journey.

In the future, I’ll see more from Agnes Varda-some mutuals noted that this movie felt atypical for her-and eventually, my first Chantal Akerman will be experienced. One Varda I know of has the English title KUNG-FU MASTER! Besides that not being a direct translation of its original French title, it’s a bizarre reference to the old 80’s arcade game in a movie that only is tangentially related to said arcade game and is a twisted romantic drama instead of a martial arts or action picture.