BloodRayne

BloodRayne (2005)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Directed by: Uwe Boll

Starring: A cast full of famous faces who I hope were paid well

From: Several different companies

RIP Michael Madsen

I realize how inappropriate it is to pay tribute to a popular actor in cinephile circles by discussing an Uwe Boll film. That said, Madsen spent most of his career in the world of B-movies, I’ve reviewed Reservoir Dogs before (his performances was a key component of making that so memorable) and long ago, I actually saw BloodRayne—not that more than a scene or two were remembered. Plus, what a madman Boll is. At the end I’ll say more about that crazy German. Regrettably, Madsen looked like he did NOT want to be there. With any luck, he and all the other famous faces at least enjoyed being in Romania.

BloodRayne was one of those movies from Boll loosely adapted from a videogame and financed due to loopholes in German tax laws that were closed soon after this picture was released. Kristanna Loken is a dhampir; around here, explaining that she is half-vampire/half-human probably isn’t necessary. The particulars of the plot aren’t necessary either-it is nonsense. Note that Boll took the first draft (yes, first draft) of a script that Guinevere Turner-yes, of American Psycho fame-wrote and filmed that. Of course, the finished product was far different than the script. Unfortunately, the plot progression is best described as “lurching forward” mixed w/ general incoherence and an amazingly bad final act. Despite some funny moments & bloody gore, the overall experience isn’t great.

I hope that the likes of Madsen, Loken, Michelle Rodriguez, Udo Kier, Ben Kingsley (naturally, he was the villain), Geraldine Chaplin, Meat Loaf (who delivered the only deliberately campy performance) and Billy Zane were paid well. The performances in general are best described as “phoning it in” or “only OK at best, probably due to inexperience.” Yes, Meat Loaf’s wig was the most guffaw-worthy, although the ones that Madsen and Zane donned were also a riot.

Ultimately, Bloodrayne also looked/felt cheap so the sets that looked OK were a nonstarter for my appreciation for the picture. There are worse/funnier Boll movies out there, and the same goes for Michael Madsen movies with the addition of actual good films. Godspeed to Mr. Madsen; there are gems out there waiting to be discovered. Possibly one day…

There likely aren’t that many gems from Uwe Boll out there; yet, I can’t hate the man. He isn’t great at his job yet he became infamous for being so antagonistic against his (many) critics, he once fought against some of them in boxing matches! His wild, brash personality still amuses me… not enough to see more of his movies when more than one was SO bad they couldn’t even be finished and none I would even call “good,” mind you. For certain, neither sequel to BloodRayne will ever be tackled by me-those are allegedly even worse.