Minority Report

 Minority Report (2002)

Runtime: 146 long minutes

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Starring: Tom Cruise and plenty of other talented actors who I wish were in something I enjoyed more

From: Dreamworks/20^th Century Fox

Never watch the food in the fridge scene if you’re hungover! Now, that’s not a determination I made yesterday; rather, that was my opinion from 2003, when I first saw this movie. It was the morning after I went to a pal’s apartment at a university different than my own. Being college, there was a party the night before & I was hungover when this was viewed. My opinion on it was lukewarm but after the fact I just presumed it was due to me being less than 100%; I hadn’t gone back to it since last night and honestly, the main memory I had all those years was that scene involving the food in the refrigerator. At the end I’ll mention a recently learned factoid which spurned me to finally give this a second chance.

After all this time, I can say definitely… this movie is just not for me. It’s a nonsense plot (I hate saying it considering that most movies adapted from Philip K. Dick stories I really enjoy) filled with characters I didn’t really like or enjoy-it’s not even that Cruise as a lead played quite the flawed individual-a rather ludicrous premise of “a trio of mutants can see murders in the future but for some reason only in the Washington, D.C. area and oh yeah, those images are projected onto a screen and even more bizarrely those names are printed on wooden spheres… but if you need to know which person w/ that name is going to commit the murder, you better piece that together using context clue or you’re up the creek!”, and I’m sure there’s a pretentious reason why much of the cinematography is so washed out but no matter the explanation, Minority Report is just an ugly movie to look at.

It's not a motion picture I hated; the talented cast certainly tries their hardest with such a nonsense plot. The general talent of the director also helped even if I had a number of questions w/ the decisions made here. As much as I enjoyed the Spielberg movies I saw as a child, there’s little regret with not seeing too much of his 21st century output. Some I’ll give a shot to in the future but I’ll be rather careful w/ what I select; “Reference: The Movie”… excuse me, “Ready Player One” won’t be one I pick, that’s a guarantee. As for what I learned recently in a messageboard thread: was I the only one who had no knowledge that there was a Minority Report videogame? Minority Report: Everybody Runs was a PS2/Xbox/Gamecube title which apparently was OK so no loss in me never playing a minute of it.

While many love the movie more than me, that’s alright; there’s plenty of sci-fi I can explore which should be more my liking. One thing I decidedly did NOT remember: early on Cruise refers to an FBI agent as a TWINK when he’s told that one would be visiting their private operation. Seconds later he sees that this “twink” is in the room, and it’s Colin Farrell.

 

My Favorite Brunette

 My Favorite Brunette (1947)

Runtime: 87 minutes

Directed by: Elliott Nugent

Starring: Bob Hope, Dorothy Lamour, Peter Lorre, Lon Chaney, Jr., John Hoyt

From: Paramount

I’m uncertain what this says about my sense of humor, but between this and The Paleface, old Bob Hope movies are apparently for me. Both made me laugh or chuckle quite often with their quips, one-liners, wordplay and dopey lead who you nevertheless root for because they are so likable. As this is in the public domain, the movie is easy to find; the copy I watched was on YouTube.

The important detail to note: My Favorite Brunette is a film noir spoof so the movie could be of interest to those that are genre fans. Hope’s character is a baby photographer-a detail I love-who wishes to be a private eye-and he’s lucky that his office is right next door to an actual detective. Via a misunderstanding, the titular brunette (Dorothy Lamour) thinks he’s the private eye so he’s wrapped up in the typical noir convoluted tale involving a secret map, a kidnapped relative, Peter Lorre acting no different than if he was in a serious film noir, attempted gaslighting, a MacGuffin that has serious worldwide implications, and to demonstrate that this really is a noir spoof, most of the story is told in flashback… you see, Hope is on Death Row about to be executed as he was framed.

The movie’s portrayal of mental illness was cliché for the time but to me wasn’t offensive, although I wasn’t expecting both talk of schizophrenia and a sanitarium. That noted, this was a rather entertaining spoof of a genre I dig which has many of its hallmarks that are playfully poked fun at. There’s also Lon Chaney, Jr. as a stereotypical lunkhead and a pair of cameos I dare not spoil but you’ll probably recognize both when they appear. Oddly, this has more than one element which Hitchcock would seemingly “borrow” for Vertigo and North by Northwest; true story. Given the chemistry of Hope and Lamour, one day I’ll track down one of the Road to movies that they did w/ Bing Crosby as I’ve heard good things w/ those.

 

The Postman (Yes, The One With Kevin Costner)

The Postman (1997)

Runtime: 177 long minutes

Directed by: Kevin Costner

Starring: Costner, Will Patton, Larenz Tate, Olivia Williams, James Russo

From: Warner Bros.

AKA a movie that sparked an argument in college.

Last night I was really wrestling with whether or not I should even watch anything that is patriotic or not for the 4th of July. It took some time but I finally decided to revisit something from long ago, and that's an infamous bomb which definitely damaged the star's career for awhile. Honestly, it's not horrible-horribly wrong, though... that's up for debate-although I can't deny that the plot is rather mawkish and sentimental. Even then, people laughed that the movie was centered on a post-apocalyptic United States rallying around... the U.S. Postal System. In the 90's, the term “going postal” entered the lexicon because there were at least a few cases of those working in the system shooting each other in fits of rage. The past several years, the USPS's reputation has gone downhill-I won't discuss why as that means I'd have to go all political and that won't lead down any path that we should be traversing.

Anyhow, in the far-flung future of 2013 devastated by an apocalypse, Costner plays a lonely drifter, a mule named Bill his only companion. They do an act of Shakespeare together to entertain communities (no, really) and run afoul of the Snidely Whiplash villain of the picture, a General that is head of the militia which de facto rules the area. He escapes, finds the uniform of a letter carrier, lies his ass off to cover his own ass and says that the federal government has been reestablished, so he's the Postmaster delivering mail to everyone. Sounds corny... and it is. Naturally there's a love interest and General Dickhead isn't happy about people rising up against his tyranny because they have someone new to rally around; this happens for a full 3 hours which is rather lengthy.

It's nice for a movie to try and inspire by presenting a tale where downtrodden people find something or someone to be inspire by and this helps them improve their lives; the fact that it's a postal worker is a hurdle too high for many to cross, and even I can admit (and I mean no offense towards anyone in that line of work) the idea is rather goofy. As laughable as it may be at times-Lord, what a po-faced ending-it's obvious that its heart was in the right place and I shouldn't get too up in arms about such nice ideals. Heck, in 2022 America having someone that EVERYBODY can rally around seems like a pipe dream even though it could help heal a fractured country... at least there's a score that tries to make all the cornball moments seem epic, a cast that tries, pretty Pacific Northwest scenery, and me gawking at corporate synergy gone wrong by having the movie division of Warner Brothers attempt to help the record division by having Tom Petty act for a few minutes.

As for how this movie could possibly inspire a college dorm room argument, one night way back when I was in a pal's domain w/ some random people, including a woman I only saw that night—and thank goodness that was the only time w/ her as she was pretty rude in general. Anyhow, for some reason someone else brought up how the character played by Larenz Tate called himself FORD LINCOLN MERCURY, after an auto dealership sign. There's a joke that doesn't work as well anymore-they haven't made Mercury vehicles for a decade. The girl called poppycock at this being an actual fact... and admittedly, it does sound unbelievable if you've never experienced The Postman.

Warning From Space

Warning From Space (Uchujin Tokyo Ni Arawaru) (1956)

Runtime: 86 minutes

Directed by: Koji Shima

Starring: Keizo Kawasaki, Toyomi Karita, Bin Yagisawa, Shozo Nanbu, Bontaro Miake

From: Daiei

I’d love to hang out at Café Cosmos

Last night I saw this via Arrow’s streaming service; I need to use that platform more than just once in awhile. This was selected as I also need to experience more sci-fi in my life-plus I’ve seen the images of the aliens before. How can you forget creatures shaped like stars w/ a giant eyeball in the middle? I’m not a comics guy but at least I’ve heard of Starro and realize that must have been ripped off from this. Unlike Starro, those aliens are human-sized. This was not only the first Japanese sci-fi picture shot in color, but it was one of a few tokosatsu films that has a connection to an all-time classic to be made, which I’ll talk about at the conclusion.

Those aliens head to Earth to warn us dumbasses that nuclear weapons are so dangerous we could wipe out our own species by accident, but in addition a rogue planet is headed our way-yeah, this was “inspired” by various 50’s genre efforts. However, their appearance scares the everloving s*** out of everyone so instead they replicate a human being… without eliminating the person they closed, so that was odd. What is best described as “a slow-rolling apocalypse” happens, or at least appears to happen-I don’t want to spoil everything in this review.

The movie indeed is languorous; I mean that it is on the slow side and that may bother many but personally I never found this to be too dull. Even if it wears its influences on its baggy costumed sleeves, it was a mix which was fine to me overall. Given the appearance of the aliens (which you see only in one scene for any amount of time; otherwise it’s just a few glancing shots. They are hardly present.) I expected something disposable-wacky schlock-and the first act is on the outlandish side. After that, though… it’s actually a sobering movie where other countries don’t believe the rogue planet is a thing, there are some bleak moments and it’s actually centered around several middle-aged scientists. Plotholes aside, I apparently like this more than many others out there.

The Café Cosmos I mentioned at the beginning is a small joint you see a few times, located on a crowded little street w/ other similar establishments. It appeared to be a chill little bar; it looked like an izakaya bar, as a matter of fact. I am a dumb white guy but those places serve sake and snacks. There’s a radio, a cool middle-aged lady running the place and customers such as a newspaper reporter (OF COURSE in a Japanese sci-fi movie; unlike what I expected, he was a minor character) and a scientist who works at the local observatory. From all impressions it would be a swell place to spend part of your evening after a long day at work.

One last tidbit: a review from a mutual here stated that KUBRICK liked this movie. This was something that warranted further investigation. Some Google-fu later and I discovered that apparently in his biography it was stated that the legendary director watched various kaiju and tokusatau pictures, remembering the aliens in Warning from Space distinctly. Whether or not this had any impact on him doing 2001 is unknown.

The Crow

 The Crow (1994)

Runtime: 102 minutes

Directed by: Alex Proyas

Starring: Brandon Lee, Rochelle Davis, Ernie Hudson, Michael Wincott, Bai Ling

From: Miramax

This was the first time I’ve seen The Crow; no, really.

I realize that many children of the 80’s and 90’s like me will be AGHAST at this admission from myself. I’ve just never felt like giving it a shot despite how popular it was in the few years after it was first released, not to mention all the publicity that happened with the lead dying on set due to a tragic accident. It wasn’t actually the plan beforehand but watching this when it played on HDNet Movies the night after I saw something starring Bruce Lee was perfect.

By now I presume most will know the plot of how Eric Draven and his girlfriend Shelly Webster were assaulted then murdered by a repugnant street gang then a year later was resurrected and dresses like a Goth icon (a look stolen by the pro wrestler Sting when he became a brooding character; that helped World Championship Wrestling for a little while and was one of the big reasons why wrestling was a huge fad in the late 90’s) in order to get his revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge is gained in memorable ways although he also helps some decent people/pals he knew. As for the movie… it definitely is both something inspired by a comic book and a movie directed by someone who started off in the music video world. That’s not exactly a compliment, but that’s just my preferences.

I can note that some of the dialogue made me snicker and the plot was more than once… for the birds… and still say that this was pretty good overall. The distinctive look, the dark tone, the period soundtrack, the direction and some of the performances did go a long way. No way will I bust the movie’s chops too hard for some plot moments considering that real life necessitated some changes. Neither will I say anything negative about the comic it’s based on; James O’Barr created it as a way of dealing w/ the grief of losing his fiancée via a drunk driver killing her. I know he then had huge regrets over it due to “the accident” and I’ll have to address that elephant in the room.

Seeing Brandon Lee in this movie makes me wonder what could have been if he had done more complex roles like this after The Crow came out. Alas, there was an accident on set involving a firearm not being properly checked before a take and he died after a gunshot wound to the abdomen. While I don’t believe that there was a “curse” on Bruce Lee which also affected his family, it is extremely tragic how both father and son died way too young due to unexpected maladies which struck them and caused them to pass away almost immediately after being stricken. After that gun safety became more critical on set although w/ what happened concerning Alec Baldwin and the movie Rust, this only stresses how it is of paramount importance to always be safe on set and never become lax when a tragedy could happen if people are careless.

For its flaws at least this movie was memorable, something that must have inspired an entire generation of Hot Topic teens/young adults and something that still stands out today. Another shame is that after this and Dark City, Alex Proyas’s career somehow ended up w/ I, Robot, Knowing-those two receiving mixed reviews-and Gods of Egypt is probably already a camp classic. While I shouldn’t have waited 28 years for this experience, w/ how dark the movie is visually I am glad I waited until HD for the first watch.

Fist Of Fury

 Fist of Fury (Jing Wu Men) (1972)

Runtime: 106 minutes

Directed by: Wei Lo

Starring: Bruce Lee, Nora Miao, James Tien, Maria Yi, Fu Ching Chen

From: Golden Harvest

A grand old time even if you saw the dubbed version like I did. That print is for free on Prime while the original language cut costs a few bucks. It seemed like the right time to see an action-oriented film and why not some martial arts where I saw some dudes get wrecked? The dub did help make it less serious due to its quality and inherent cheesy nature; that said…

It was a plot which does sound simple at first but is actually more complex when you look beneath the surface. Bruce Lee is a student at a martial arts school and he returns just as his teacher-real life martial artist Huo Yuanjia-is being buried; he dies under mysterious circumstances. Some Japanese are real A-holes to those in the school (the context is important as the setting is 1910 Shanghai; it’d take too long to explain but Japan controlled the area at the time) but most at the school refuse to engage them. Well, Lee decides to be a loose cannon so later he kicks some ass and the consequences of those actions affected everyone else at that dojo.

Japanese imperialism was the crux of the plot although there’s also the ultimate price of revenge was a price you don’t want to pay. It does prove the adage of “If you want to gain revenge, first dig two graves.” Be that as it may, this was not a miserable slog. Chiefly, it was not only how heinous the bad guys were (especially the lead heel Riki Hashimoto, who had one hell of a mustache) but how much of a badass Lee was. As I’ve said before, him destroying so many guys is not so far-fetched; he’s someone who I’ve heard trained to an insane degree and did things like one finger pushups so sure, I can buy him kicking everyone else’s ass. Speaking of badasses, Jackie Chan is in this, as a stunt double.

Memorable/thrilling martial arts scenes, villains that are easy to hate, a legend as the lead, and a conclusion that thankfully was realistic in terms of the narrative helped made this more than just a random braindead martial arts picture.

Problem Child

 Problem Child (1990)

Runtime: 81 minutes

Directed by: Dennis Dugan

Starring: John Ritter, Amy Yasbeck, Michael Oliver, Jack Warden, Michael Richards

From: Universal

In 2022, I am amazed that this was a hit 32 years ago. Yes, when I was a little kid this movie was watched by me; at the time I preferred the first sequel but Lord only knows what my opinion would be now as an adult. This revisit actually happened Wednesday night (along with the picture I last reviewed, The World Moves On) so there was no rush on Thursday right before it left Tubi.

With adult eyes, what a peculiar movie. A 7 year old boy only known as Junior does some vicious s*** yet you can’t exactly say he’s evil or Satan as he actually does want parents to love him no matter how much devastation he leaves in his wake. Poor sap John Ritter (a milquetoast dork who has an A-hole father and vapid wife) decides to adopt him as his wife is infertile; that is rather odd to see such a serious adult topic presented here… although it’s normal in comparison to how Junior decides that the SERIAL KILLER he sees on TV is a cool dude (because Junior misunderstood the killer’s pleas of innocence) so he becomes his pen pal. No comment on how that role was played by Michael Richards years before that infamous night in the comedy club…

The movie is quite weird, no doubt about it. The plot is rather dark and most of the characters are pretty miserable people; it’s probably what you wouldn’t expect from a PG rated movie ostensibly designed for family viewing. A jerk kid is hit in the nuts w/ a baseball bat during a Little League game, a pig’s nutsack is seen during the conclusion (don’t ask), the late Gilbert Gottfried plays the exact sort of obnoxious character you’d expect him to, Junior “driving” a Daihatsu Charade (that was a Japanese brand briefly in the United States; the Charade is what would be called now a sub-compact coupe), and both sides of politics being skewered. While it certainly looked like Problem Child was dissing the sort of “liberal wuss” that Ritter was portraying, his right wing father was also bashed for being a hypocrite that sold out to the Japanese for a quick buck. 

As peculiar as it all was, I can’t say I didn’t sometimes laugh at all the slapstick and oddball moments. I’ll say it was OK overall and it was nice to see various actors I have fond memories of (Ritter) or ones I haven’t seen in ages (Amy Yasbeck, Jack Warden). Honestly, the biggest sin is that this started the directorial career of Dennis Dugan, the “auteur” who has given us such “masterpieces” as the Grown Ups movies, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan & Jack and Jill. One thing I did not remember: THE BEACH BOYS provided the title song that played during the end credits. Good Vibrations it wasn’t—heck, it wasn’t even Surfin’ Safari or one of their other earliest tunes that was more in tune w/ their beach theming.