An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn (1997)

Runtime: 86 agonizing minutes

“Directed” by: Arthur Hiller... but credited as Alan Smithee!

Starring: Many actors and rappers who should have known better

From: Hollywood Pictures/Cinergi

This was even worse than I could have imagined. I’ve known of this infamous misfire since before it came out and its production unintentionally became meta, but more on that later. As plenty of people way younger than me are on Letterboxd and possibly could read this review, an explanation of the old Alan Smithee faux credit needs to be explained.

The DGA used to allow for a director to use that fake name on a project if they were convinced that others messed with his vision and the end product was NOT something they approved of. It’s a fake name they chose because no one would possibly have it, so the entire premise is that a director can’t use Alan Smithee because he’s actually named Alan Smithee—absurd in all the worst ways.

Eric Idle played Smithee, a great editor who was chosen to direct a huge blockbuster starring Stallone, Jackie Chan & Whoopi Goldberg which had studio interference so he stole the print, and this was done as a mockumentary chronicling what happened. In fact, this was total “inside baseball” that the Joe and Jane Q. Public wouldn’t be interested in and definitely not fully understand, and for film fans like us, we’re insulted by how abysmal the movie was, how every decision made was just wrong, how it wasted the presence of many famous faces (usually in cameos), how even the soundtrack was mind-bogglingly bad aside from the Public Enemy songs used.

I’m all for a production that took the piss out of Hollywood and all its problems. However, this garnered exactly ZERO laughs for me, despite its cast. From what I understand, writer Joe Eszterhas crapped out this script in a weekend and apparently had axes to grind. However, even if you read Joe’s autobiography (a lengthy tome, so I hear) like Letterboxd member and my mutual Drew G did, not even that will help you decipher most of the lampooning on screen. It seemed made for only a percentage of those involved in the industry, and who knows if they were even amused by this boondoggle.

What a bizarre cast this has: besides the aforementioned names, there’s everyone from Ryan O’Neal, Coolio, Chuck D. and Richard Jeni to Sandra Bernhard and MC Lyte. And some people appearing as themselves, like Eszterhas (who ultimately played a huge role in this disaster aside from writing the thing), Robert Shapiro (!), Shane Black, and Robert Evans, who played himself as a gross pervert. One key aspect to note is how vulgar and gross the film is. I shouldn’t be surprised, given the writer…

This movie’s credited director was… Alan Smithee! It’s not a stunt move; rather, Arthur Hiller (!) directed this disaster; Eszterhas had the power to edit this himself, which Hiller objected to so he used that credit. Incredible. As the “outtakes” over the end credits aren’t any better, there’s no objective reason why you should ever give this intolerable crap any of your time. Oh, and the perfect conclusion is to mention who has a few scenes as a PI—and is a terrible actor:

HARVEY WEINSTEIN