Runtime: I saw the 108-minute unrated cut
Directed by: Paul Writes S***** Anderson
Starring: A bunch of no-names plus someone from Trainspotting & Lance Henriksen
From: 20th Century Fox
With Alien: Romulus coming up soon, it was time for me to finally discuss this and its sequel beforehand. Neither had been seen by me since 2007-this should be taken as a sign that my opinion of both were rather dim. That said, with the literally thousands of films I’ve experienced since then-not to mention the decline of cinema in general the past 17 years-meant that my opinion was always subject to change, especially considering this was my initial experience w/ the unrated cut via a Blu-ray I purchased years ago as part of a bundle on Amazon.
Unfortunately, my opinion didn’t change. A Predator in an Antarctic setting when in the first two pictures it was in a sweltering heat setting of either the jungle or heat wave Los Angeles: tremendously stupid. So was releasing the movie theatrically as a neutered PG-13 picture. The Antarctic setting is confounding to me as why would those alien creatures fight in such a setting? Why not literally anywhere else on the planet, or even better, an alien planet or a spaceship? Oh, so the audience can also be reminded of The Thing—which is another check that the movie’s ass can’t cash!
The film is just dumb as a stump, full of insufferable characters that are also idiotic & childish. The opening minutes reminded me how lousy this was between the shifting between several countries within just a few minutes, the overly explanatory dialogue, characters changing opinions on the dime, etc. How insulting to both franchises that have created all-timers in the genre and a few sequels that are at least good. The fact that it also subscribes to the quite frankly racist ideas of Chariots of the Gods (which alleges that aliens visited humanity in the past and this allowed for the creation of such wonders as the Egyptian pyramids, the stone heads on Easter Island, and other works of art that not coincidentally were created by non-white races) didn’t delight me either.
Alien vs. Predator is full of plotholes you can fly a spaceship through and is lacking in suspense, gore (at least that isn’t bad CG), tension, action, and thrills you’d want from either an Alien or Predator picture. However, it has plenty of silver and ugly cinematography. Generosity, the unintentional laughs and remembering that Requiem was even worse is why the rating isn’t at the bottom of the barrel. AVP still lurches from scene to scene w/ often little cohesion or connective tissue, and still was a LONG 108 minutes in unrated form. I know some love this picture-if only I could understand why.
Yeah, it’s always nice seeing Lance Henriksen and the actual Xenomorph vs. Yautja action wasn’t bad, even if it should have been shot better. Otherwise, this was just another reminder why I tend to avoid the filmography of Paul W.S. Anderson.
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