I Saw the New Masters of the Universe So You Don't Have To

To say that I loathed this movie is a massive understatement: 

This is Exhibit A in “What I Don't Like About Modern Movies.”

Yesterday, I saw a pair of movies theatrically; the other one (which will have a take even more controversial than my belief that the new Masters of the Universe is perhaps one of the worst movies I ever saw in a cinema!) really won't make people happy but I have to be honest here. I am not even a He-Man fan; there's really no memories of the 80's cartoon yet the only reason why I even bothered: an early theatrical memory was seeing the 1987 movie with my late mother & two younger sisters. The trailers for the new movie inspired no confidence yet there was no idea the tone would be antithetical to what I wanted in what should have been a rousing adventure where the lead goes on a Hero's Journey to save his land by vanquishing an evil dastardly villain, gaining revenge in the process.

Now, the Dolph Lundgren picture was B-movie trash that was unfortunately hampered by massive budget cuts yet everyone in the cast took the picture seriously, especially Frank Langella as Skeletor, who delivered dialogue you'd hear in a serious stage play yet he made it work.

Unfortunately, yesterday was a bad day in general, so this was the wrong movie on the wrong Thursday for me... I have to be brutally honest even if no one else despised every single second like I did. The reason why I don't view “modern comedies” is because they are as funny to me as a brain tumor; well, this movie is a “modern comedy” first & foremost, yet I did not laugh a SINGLE time despite all the cringe humor, awkward moments, and the movie literally telling everyone that “He-Man” and characters w/ names like "Ram Man" and "Fisto" are stupid and are a source of mockery! No, this happened. I knew I made a grave mistake after the “babbling idiot” narration of the opening, the rancid humor that was especially wretched in the opening act, then Amazon Prime product placement every bit as bad as in Ice Cube's War of the Worlds!

I realize that this franchise began as a Mattel toy line that morphed into an 80's cartoon but talk about insulting the legacy of Roger Sweet, a toy designer who played a critical role in creating that line and just passed away in late April at the age of 91 due to dementia.

Ironically, Jared Leto was the least of this dreck's problems. He spoke in such a goofy voice anyhow, didn't sound anything like him. When there's the other nonsense I've mentioned or will mention and there's blatant, insultingly lazy needle-drop references to MUCH better movies of the past...

I hated this movie as nothing was serious-so who gave a damn about any dramatic stakes? I sure as hell didn't-every character was irritating, a cliché, or an irritating cliché (this includes the emasculated Adam, who was usually an insufferable idiot), the failed “humor” undercut any serious tension, and was fingernails on a chalkboard for over 2, long, miserable hours. I realize the lowest-possible rating is harsh even with something as atrocious as thing. After all, there are some colorful moments, the Daniel Pemberton score was cool, and I'm glad to have seen the pretty Camila Mendes in a movie. Be that as it may, everything else was so irritating, that ruined the film beyond all measure.

The final act was a special kind of disaster; not only was there an utterly baffling sequence so bad I should have walked out of the auditorium then & there... except that I would have missed something only realized after the movie—a secondary battle during the climax had no resolution! Yes, it's possible my brain blacked out during the climax, my hoping that the sweet embrace of Death would take a-hold of me to free me from this putrid film, but I swear this happened. There's no hate on everyone else for liking the movie more than me-that doesn't mean I'm not perplexed as to why.

Perhaps I should be most upset at myself; most modern movies like the new Masters of the Universe that are apparently designed to be Chinese Water Torture for me are successfully avoided. A genial childhood memory should not have influenced what I view at the cinema. At the same time, if THIS is an example of old beloved properties being modernized for modern audiences, I'm still offended as it means that those properties are being dumped on and made fun of, because it's allegedly “cool.”

It seems like at least for the past 20 years there were rumors that there'd be a new Masters of the Universe which would be proper to the franchise and have most of the action on Eternia. What a colossal disappointment that THIS is what we got. Somehow, this is from the CEO of Laika!!!!??? WTF? The highlight of the screening was the trailer for their new film.

Note that this movie is so worthless, that even a postmodern “humorous” catastrophe like this couldn't do better than a lame reference to the HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA meme I didn't even register until after arriving back home! I could write a doctoral thesis on how angry I was at this gigantic waste of time; however, too much's been said already so instead I'll conclude: this makes the 1987 Masters of the Universe look like a Robert Bresson movie!