Live Like A Cop, Die Like A Man

Live Like A Cop, Die Like A Man (Uomini si nance poliziotti si muore)(1976)

Runtime: 100 minutes

Directed by: Ruggero Deodato

Starring: Marc Porel, Ray Lovelock, Adolfo Celi, Renato Salvatori

From: Cineproduzioni Daunia 70 

Here is another entry in the poliziotteschi genre; this time it is from an infamous director best known for the rather controversial (to say the least) film Cannibal Holocaust, a rather effective movie that was found footage long before that trend started but it got a lot of crap due to how effective the kills were... some thought they were legit! Even worse, some animals actually got killed on camera and yeah I was like most people in that we did not need to see such a thing get filmed. Anyhow, I figured this would be a rather violent and brutal film and that was indeed true as I watched this on Netflix Instant.

The plot sounds rather simple: A pair of young cops who sometimes come off as ambiguously gay are members of a secret part of the police department of a random Italian city; this allows them to act rather wildly as they bust crime and try to take down a big gangster. It turns out, the plot is rather threadbare and it's really just a bunch of scenes loosely connected together.

Yet, it's a lot of fun. The two “heroes” act just about as recklessly and callous as the guys they chase. They'll be happy to kill a criminal by snapping their neck, or shooting someone attempting to rob a bank before they even enter the bank. They also make rather sexist remarks and are happy to sleep around and even share the same woman. They're a-holes... but charming a-holes you like despite how deplorable they act.

What makes this a joy to watch despite the threadbare plot is that it's never boring; it moves along at a quick pace. Also, it does indeed get rather bloody at times. Guys get hurt and killed in rather violent ways. It is the action you see that makes it memorable, though. While nothing tops the long and exciting bike chase you see as the movie opens, it's still all exciting and you get to enjoy that, along with such women characters as one minor dame (minor role, I mean) who beds the two leads in quick order and a secretary girl who has a small role but she talks about being in a threeway with the two guys... and is even up for them bringing their friends over to participate! Yes, she pretty much asked to get gangbanged. As long as you don't get offended by such actions then you might very well enjoy this movie.

I'll be back Monday afternoon.

The Italian Connection

The Italian Connection (La Mala Ordina) (1972)

Runtime: 95 minutes

Directed by: Fernando Di Leo

Starring: Mario Adorf, Henry Silva, Woody Strode, Adolfo Celi, Luciana Paluzzi

From: Cineproduzioni Daunia 70

Yep, I have returned to the Italian crime genre of the poliziotteschi, where I had previously seen and talked about Caliber 9 and then Rulers of the City. This time the movie stars the psychotic tan Jay Leno of Caliber 9, Adorf. This time he's the lead. This won't be like the movie I reviewed earlier today (located just below this review), where longtime actor in Coen Brothers films Jon Polito referred to his manhood as “my commander” and pulled a Chuck Berry and pleasured himself while looking at security camera footage of a woman using the bathroom. There's also no attempted rape. Sure, here the hero is a low-level pimp, you see plenty of nudity, and some women get slapped around. But, I ended up loving this movie... no, not because of the women getting slapped around thing; rather, because it's so damn entertaining.

The plot is rather simple: a mob boss in New York sends two hitmen (Silva and Strode; because they're partnered as hitmen and one is Italian-looking and the other is African-American, Vincent and Jules comparisons have been made; it works but it's not a complete copy) to Milan to go after Adorf, who has been accused of ripping them off.

The movie is wildly great. You have quite a few funny moments. The hitmen are told to act like dumb Americans in order to get attention, and Silva is happy to do it as his character is rather loud and a party animal, where Stode is quiet and serious. There are plenty of situations and moments that are humorous, such as seeing the two in a nightclub and a tall woman wearing a curly blue wig starts flirting with Strode. It's never boring, that is for sure. It's also amusing that two people from Thunderball are in this, Celi and Paluzzi. No surprise that Adolfo plays another villain.

But it's also serious when it has to be and when Mario gets pushed too far he raises a lot of hell and it's great to watch. The highlight is a long car chase that turns into a foot chase and it's all exciting and well-done and intense. The action in general is high-quality, from seeing headbutts and bitch-slapping to shootouts and guns being used to knock out teeth. You even get to see what the hippie scene was like there in the early 70's. Oh yes, and some hilariously great clothing; one woman wears quite the outfit of black hooker boots, red hotpants, and a black top (obviously without bra) with a giant red rotary phone on the front of the shirt! I guess that was hip Milan fashion back then...

If you're familiar with this genre or even if you aren't, I really enjoyed this action/crime drama film, which can be found on Netflix Instant.

I'll be back Saturday afternoon.

29 Palms

29 Palms (2002)

Runtime: 93 minutes

Directed by: Leonardo Ricagni

Starring: Jeremy Davies, Rachael Leigh Cook, Chris O'Donnell, Michael Rapaport, Jon Polito

From: Alliance Atlantis Communications

Here's something I wasn't expecting to see but late last night I was channel-surfing and I looked ahead and noticed this film playing on The Movie Channel so I decided to check it out, as it's been on there somewhat regularly for the past few weeks and I might as well watch it to continue my Cook-a-thon.

Even though I heard some things in the IMDb user reviews that frightened me, such as this being quirky and odd and a poor attempt at being either Tarantino or Lynch, I was hoping this would be alright, given that besides the people I listed there's also the likes of Bill Pullman, Keith David, Michael Lerner, and Russell Means. Despite his name being in the credits, Carlos Mencia (yes) was cut from the film. That was fine by me, as from what little I've heard I've never found him funny, and given that the first thing you see on Google when you look him up is that he “steals jokes” (which I understand is true), I am glad his 15 minutes of fame ran out a long time ago.

As for the plot of this movie, it's rather simple: a random guy gets accused of being an undercover FBI agent by some people at a small-time Indian casino. That guy is carrying around a bunch of cash. It passes through the hands of various people, just about all of them rather unpleasant and they all happen to run into each other quite often despite the movie taking place in the California desert in the middle of nowhere.

As you can probably tell, I wasn't the biggest fan of the movie. Sure, there were some amusing/funny moments but overall I thought it was too weird for weird's sake, it was too off-putting with all the unpleasant characters doing unpleasant things, all the constant cursing... as of late, not the best of luck in my opinion of Rachael's movies. Of course she wasn't the problem with the films; as biased as it sounds she was the best parts of those movies that I rated poorly, so they weren't total losses. I understand that she was even involved with the production of this film. It was just not for me, although on IMDb there are definitely different opinions on whether or not this is good, so it is not just me. As least Ms. Cook was nice to look at and her character was the one that was the least detestable, so that was good.

In terms of things to mention, well, Keith David (a sheriff) smokes what he calls medicinal marijuana in one scene. And Pullman's character is not only rather strange, but he dresses, has his hair done, and even acts like... Crispin Glover! No kidding. I wouldn't be shocked if they tried to get Glover for the role but he turned it down so they just got someone else to be him.

The premise sure sounded cool and it was a nice cast, but I thought this was blah for the most part.

I'll be back late tonight with something I enjoyed quite a bit more than this.

One Man Force

One Man Force (1989)

Runtime: 86 minutes (that's how long my copy was; IMDb has the time wrong)

Directed by: Dale Trevellion

Starring: John Matuszak, Ronny Cox, Charles Napier, Richard Lynch (RIP)

From: Shapiro Glickenhaus Entertainment

I really have to thank the Bad Movie Fiends podcast for finding this obscure film and doing a detailed review of it. They said so many amazing things I just had to check it out. It took some effort (as it's not on any streaming video site) but after going through the bowls of the Internet I found a copy-I'll skip the details as to how I got it-and I watched this late 80's actioneer and I was blown away, as those guys left out many more amazing details.

To explain, the movie stars former NFL player turned after Matuszak; he was a giant of a man at 6 foot 8 and at least 300 pounds of muscle. He was usually the supporting role and was on TV often. He's best known for being heavily made-up as Sloth in The Gonnies. Sad to say he passed away the year this movie came out; he was a BIG party animal and I mean he did drugs along with boozing it up and those demons got to him. This was a rare starring role and this was quite the success, especially if you enjoy cheesy yet fun low-budget action movies from the 80's.

The plot isn't too complex: John plays JAKE SWAN, a cop who has Sam Jones (yes, Flash from the Flash Gordon movie) as a partner. Sam gets killed in an ambush and this makes Jake quite angry, so he seeks revenge against the bad guys, who have a standard plot for why they're doing evil things. Jake also interacts with Sam's wife and teenaged son. Also, a character played by 80's one hit wonder Stacey Q. (yes; as an actress she's a good singer) gets involved.

From that came solid gold. I should note first that I saw this movie on Monday, the night before Mr. Lynch's body was discovered in his home. RIP to the longtime actor who was the heavy in so many films; he had a unique look due to him apparently setting himself on fire in the late 60's while high on LSD. It was sad to hear he had died. He may be best known for being the big bad guy in the hilariously 80's Invasion U.S.A., where he did battle against Chuck Norris.

After I officially sign off I'll give my share of spoilers on why I thought this was an amazing movie but this was SO 80's. I mean, the music is cheesy yet awesome. Many people die. You hear some rather preposterous one-liners... which make them great. Adidas and Pepsi paid money to appear in the movie so you see their products shown often. A giant man wearing a dark blue tracksuit where the top is zipped down to the belly button? Why not! That same man drinking out of a 2 liter bottle of Slice as if it was a 20 ounce bottle? Sure! You see several stunt people do some crazy things. And there's a 5 minute gay bar scene... my God. It had to be the most astounding 5 minute scene I've ever watched; at least 10 things left me gobsmacked.

If you love low-budget 80's action, this is a MUST SEE. It's just a damn shame that this will be incredibly hard to track down unless you order it from Amazon. Where else will you see Charles Napier get punched in the cock and then get called a “fuckwad”? Only this film has Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds play an Asian stock broker, as only Asians are smart enough to hack and look for confidential information on a computer in the 80's. In what other movie can you see a huge man use his size and strength to his (and the movie's) advantage, doing such things as taking a guy who is chained to a dog collar around his neck, spin him and the guy around in a circle so that the small man is horozontal, then use him while spinning around as a weapon to knock away attacking cross-dressers? Yes, that happens in this majestic film.

I'll be back tomorrow afternoon with one review... and then tomorrow night with another review. Yes. Below be some spoilers.

He gets suspended from the force for being a loose cannon and wanting revenge. He decides to become a private detective and gets hired by a guy claiming to work for Leah Jennings, played by Stacey Q., who gets kidnapped. I won't get into the whole plot of what the bad guys do as it's rather standard but yet it's acceptable. Point is, he ends up at a place known as Blue Leather Bar which yes is a gay bar and OH. MY. GOD., this scene...

* You see what may be some of the greatest few minutes I've seen in my history of seeing movies. This gay bar is like the ones in Cruising combined with an 80's nightclub. Awful 80's music gets played as a band led by a chick in leather with a whip fake play along to the song. There's a guy dancing along in a giant birdcage and he's only in black briefs. The way the customers dress is varied and ranges from outright cross-dressing to leather to just some strange outfits. Of course, Jake gets hit on but he brushes him aside without using any homophobic slurs, which is good. The bartender is a black midget who looks like Rick James, jheri curl wig and all.

* Oh, and another black guy is leading around via dogchain tied to the neck a 5 foot tall white guy WHO IS WEARING A SAFARI OUTFIT, COMPLETE WITH HAT.

* Anyhow, one of the bad guys (who looks like a cross between Freddie Mercury and 80's era Edward James Olmos) spots Jake so he gets some goons to go after him. What does the lead good say? Why, "Are you boys up for a little GANGBANG?" Then, the guy leading safari dude around on a chain loudly proclaims, "It's Friday night, let's PAR-TAY!" and that's when my mind got blown.

* A cross-dresser tries to literally flying dropkick Jake, but misses. Then, he literally gets dogpiled on and is flat on the ground. Suddenly he Hulks up and shakes everyone off. Black guy gets kicked in the dick so thus Jake gets hold of the chain that is around safari guy's neck and well...

* Jake starts spinning around, which lifts up safari guy in the air and he is used as a weapon to knock everyone away (including bouncing off the walls in a crazy way) as if Jake was doing the hammer toss as the Olympics. YES. Safari guy gets tossed to the top of the birdcage, where he gets whipped by that faux singer.

* Charles Napier and big bald Jim Henry from Hard Times help Jake out... they go outside; however, a tranny is on top of Jake, her body sitting on his shoulders. As he goes outside, the doorway is too short, so the tranny crashes HARD onto the ground!

* Once they get outside they attack him as they want to kick his ass themselves. That's when the cockpunching occurs and...

* That has to be the greatest 5 minutes I've ever seen in cinematic history. It was so strange and so monkeyshit insane it became awesome.

* What follows can't possibly top that scene but it's still tremendous. Characters try to peep into a keyhole to see a pair of characters have loud sex! Jake romances the girl of another baddie; the actress's name according to the credits is BLUEBERRY. That's not the character name; that is what the actress said her name was. She has a fake French accent. He seduces her by saying that his dick is proportionate to the rest of his body!

Haywire

Haywire (2011)

80% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 167 reviews)

Runtime: 93 minutes

Directed by: Stephen Soderbergh

Starring: Gina Carano, Michael Fassbender, Ewen McGregor, Antonio Banderas, Michael Douglas

From: Relativity Media

Here is a movie that I have heard a lot of mixed reviews on, from hatred to strong praise. I know that I am definitely not a Soderbergh fan but I was curious as to what I would think about it... plus I understand there's a scene where Ms. Carano's character talks to her movie dad (Bill Paxton!) and hey, that's enough for me to watch this on Father's Day; appropriate as why not watch a manly kick-ass action movie on this sort of day?

It turns out, maybe I should be more of a fan of Soderbergh. I'll ignore his mainstream dreck (i.e. those terrible masturbatory Oceans films) and instead I should at least give him praise for taking some rather bold chances, even if they don't always work. Doing a movie centered around some random porn star who has done films like Butt Sex Bonanza and Flower's Squirt Shower 5 sounds about comparable to building a movie around an attractive MMA fighter (who doesn't fight anymore) and surrounding her with A-list talent.

The story is rather simplistic and if you can get by that... here's the plot, straight from the IMDb: “A black ops super soldier seeks payback after she is betrayed and set up during a mission.” That's pretty much it. If you want or expect more, then you might be disappointed; otherwise...

I wasn't sure what I was going to get here given the reviews. It turns out, I enjoyed this quite a bit. The star acted about as well as you'd expect from a newcomer with zero acting experience in the past, but she wasn't a liability. The other people are all fine in their roles, none of which are too extensive. I was and am surprised they were able to get so many famous faces for this story, but it was cool that they did. Even Tanning Chatum... er, I mean Channing Tatum was acceptable.

What I dug most was how this movie was filmed. Even though it's basically a Steven Seagal film from back in his skinny days (a simple plot but there's various intrigue involving a shady government, double-crosses, and what have you), it's filmed rather nicely. You know, high-quality filmmaking, long takes, no rapid camera changes, no relentless pace, etc. Gina is great fighting what is basically an MMA style applied to the movie world. It's pretty brutal... but in a good way. The fact that she is doing action stuff and she isn't anorexic (::coughcoughAngeliaJoliecoughcough::) is a big bonus too.

And best of all the action is NOT filmed in the way that unfortunately too many movies are filmed these days. You know, the shaky-cam/quick edit crap that I've complained about in the past; for the most part I don't like it when a movie does such a thing. Thankfully this movie films everything clearly so you see exactly what happens in the fights that Gina gets in. There's one impressive fight sequence where she and the guy get into a brawl that damages a lot of stuff... and from what I hear it's all them and no stunt doubles. Pretty impressive.

Also impressive was the groovy and great jazzy score. Others have said it doesn't fit with the movie; I thought differently. As long as you know going in what sort of movie this is, you might enjoy it... or you might not. I am glad I saw it and in fact, in hindsight maybe I should have seen it on the big screen. I don't get some of the complaints that I heard, such as one guy shutting it off about a half hour in because he thought it was “boring”; I highly disagree.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

Raising Arizona

Raising Arizona (1987)

Runtime: 94 minutes

Directed by: Joel & Ethan Coen

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Holly Hunter, John Goodman, William Forsythe

From: 20^th Century Fox

Here's a famous movie that believe it or not I only saw in full just a few days ago; before that I had only seen a few minutes of it way back when (i.e. I was a kid then) and my movie tastes now are quite different from how they were back then; plus, someone on a forum said that I should see it given that I was talking about the Coen Brothers and how-and to many people online this is total blasphemy-I am not really a fan of them at all. Sorry, but all their strangeness and quirkiness just isn't for me. At least from what I've seen I haven't quite understood why so many people go bananas for it.

Most perplexing to me is one movie in particular. I have seen The Big Lebowski once at a pal's place in college and boy did I NOT enjoy it at all. All the constant cursing, the non-plot, how bizarre it was... I have zero comprehension why there's such a big cult for the movie. It is on Netflix Instant, though, so maybe I should try to watch it again and thus deliver a major review of why I think the film is awful...

But let's get onto reviewing this movie. I'm sure most of you know the plot already, but I'll be brief: a repeat ex-con and his ex-cop wife decide to steal one baby out of 5 quintuplets as they are not able to conceive children on their own. A bunch of wacky things happen as they try to hold on to the baby.

I'll admit something right away: this is definitely more enjoyable than The Big Lebowski to me. I mean, there are some pretty funny lines, the music is (mostly) good, it's certainly filmed nicely-by future famous director Barry Sonnefeld-and the performances are all good. I mean, it's certainly a unique role for former boxer turned after Tex Cobb, that's for sure.

YET, all the weirdness and quirkiness was just a turn-off for me. I'm sorry, but despite what I said above, the fact that this is so beloved and I've seen multiple people say that this this is one of the funniest comedies of all time; I can't get on that train, sad to say. Like I said, I guess those guys just aren't for me, no matter how unpopular of an opinion it is. I mean, does a full 5 minutes of the movie-at least-need to be spent on various characters screaming loudly and for a long amount of time? I say no. And then there's characters just being off-putting to me. Those are but a few reasons why I still haven't really changed my opinions on the Brothers Coen, despite the praise I have given.

However, I do have to say that the setpiece of Nic Cage trying to rob a convenience store for some Huggies diapers and it resulting in a big chase involving the cops and dogs and going through several different places was quite memorable and well-done.

I'll be back Sunday night.

Something Recommended To Me On Netflix Instant: Revolt

Revolt (1985 or 1986); believe it or not, this movie is so obscure it is not on IMDb! No kidding.

Runtime: a lean 72 minutes

Directed by: J. Shaybany

“Starring”: Rand Martin, Fattaneh, Sepehrnia

From: Intercontinental Releasing Corporation

Here is something truly amazing: a movie available on Netflix Instant Streaming and yet it's not on IMDb. I can't believe such a thing is even possible. Only a few sites have talked about it and that's it. From what I can gather, this was made by Iranian Americans who wanted to show that their people aren't the type that are to be feared due to the whole Iran Hostage Crisis thing and in fact are just like you and me and they hate drugs too. It looked to be set in '79 or '80 as the aforementioned Crisis is actually shown on TV and they talk about Carter as being President. Judging by the fashions and cars, it looked to be filmed in the early 80's... and for rather cheap, given that I am pretty sure all of the audio was added in afterwards, from dialogue to gunfire to other sounds.

The plot... after a few minutes where you hear a narrator who pronounces his Sh's like Sch tell us that drugs are bad as you see random scenes of drug deals being made in such places as the most ghetto nightclub you'll ever see, you finally get to the main story. It revolves around the white Steve and his Iranian wife (Fattaneh, a woman who I understand was a legit popular Persian singer) who run a Persian restaurant in a nameless California town. His brother decides to become a driver for a drug dealer as the old one (Curtis) got fired and almost killed for being terrible. It turns out that the brother also isn't a good driver and he does get killed. Those two guys are no Ryan Gosling as the Driver, the romancer of Carey Mulligan and doing battle against Albert Brooks. Both guys don't deserve any sort of scorpion jacket! Steve gets mad at the drug dealer (a big guy in town; he practically runs it in some aspects) and he gets revenge.

I'll get to the highlights in a bit but this is some incredibly amateurish filmmaking. I mean, at one time you see a giant bug on the camera lens for a few seconds! It's edited in a rather haphazard manner and the musical score is all over the place. A few times it's total 80's synth and at other times it's as of it's from a 70's cop show. Yet, it mostly is a standard explotation faire movie, so it is not a painful 72 minutes. You'll be able to watch it and usually laugh at it's crappiness. I mean, there are credits including:

Still Photography: D. Victory

Screenplay: Shield

Assistant Cameraman: B / Boatman

This is all true.

Here are some highlights:

• The villain, Macintosh... oh man. He looks Iranian and yet he resembles a chubby Saddam Hussein and he proclaims himself to be anti-Iranian a few times throughout. The way he acts is over the top and his clothing is usually the goofy kind of clothes you'd see a bad country singer from the 70's wear. I heard him compared to Yosemite Sam and I'll go with that. A cowboy Yosemite Sam Saddam really is as great as it sounds.
• The hero... think 8^th grade science teacher, brunette middle-aged and sporting a giant mustache. In fact, most of the males you see here have big mustaches, which makes it hilarious in 2012.
• Steve's son and the villain's son are in the same grade and of course they are pals. The villain's wife is a cute blonde who is a teacher and yet right on school grounds she'll tell the two kids not to hang out with each other.
• Curtis's g/f is a rather hot blonde (at least in the early 80's way) who unfortunately ends up getting raped. It could have been worse but I still did not really need to see it.
• A few minutes are spent talking about the Iran Hostage Crisis and a big speech is given about how Iranian-Americans are still Americans so they shouldn't be afraid and they should act the same as everyone else, and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, the son gets called a half-breed and an “Iranian pig” and he ends up in a bad accident.
• There is a sheriff who looks like a miss between Tom Atkins and modern Kris Kristofferson who talks with a deep voice.

There is more but I don't want to spoil too much here. I just can't believe something like this is on Netflix Instant. It's terrible but it's a funny-terrible.

I'll be back tomorrow night.