I Had a Statham Saturday

This means, watching two Jason Statham movies I saw & reviewed here originally, many years ago. First is 2009's Crank: High Voltage.

Why not have a STATHAM SATURDAY during this Memorial Day weekend?

Today, I revisited Crank: Danger Danger, High Voltage so it’d replace the old, brief review I had from my first few days on the site, THIRTEEN years ago. Sometime in the next 5 to 6 hours, I’ll revisit, write a review, then post said review for another Statham movie to write a better review for that as well. Crank 2 was viewed theatrically in ’09 then later on Blu-Ray, but that was before 2013. Several people here and elsewhere wanted this revisit. Well, be careful what you wish for… I originally thought the movie was OK; now, I hate Danger Danger, High Voltage!

The OG Crank is a loud, absurd movie, yet managed to work if you enjoy insanity as Chev Chelios required constant energy due to a poison he was injected with. This sequel… I know that many people are fans due to the film trying SO, SO hard to be “edgy” and “cool,” thinking that increasing everything 10-fold and CONSTANTLY being “offensive” makes a movie “great.” Sorry to disappoint everyone, but “NO” is my response to that belief.

I rarely enjoy movies-especially now-that try this hard and are so aggro & stupid; that’s my opinion of High Voltage. Yes, there are still frenetic action beats and wacky moments that did make me chuckle. I can’t explain why Chev mentioned Tiger Woods after a CAR CRASH (he didn’t start this trend until months after release) but that was prophetic. However, you can imagine how I feel about the “F this” and “F that” dialogue that is constant, or the constant vulgarities, or how the sequel made the misogynistic original look like a feminist masterpiece in comparison. The Bai Ling character alone—gross.

In the past, I apparently tolerated-if not liked-crap where characters are named POON DONG and that allegedly is knee-slapping hilarious for some. It’s like when I revisited Machete Unleashed at home years after the fact & what I thought was incredibly uneven was now as pleasant as fingernails on a chalkboard due to the forced edginess, absurdism in place of actual humor, & vulgarity… which are among the reasons why I still think Everything, Everywhere, All at Once is one of the worst movies I ever saw theatrically. High Voltage is even worse-it’s like two meth-heads screaming in your ears for 90 minutes!

I’m glad many of you can somehow find enjoyment in this edgelord nonsense. Me, I am thankful that the choice can be made to avoid movies seemingly designed to repulse me, no matter what everyone else feels about them.

Second, 2012's Safe.

My second & last film in my STATHAM SATURDAY is one I hadn’t seen since the theatrical experience, late April of 2012. Unlike w/ Crank: Danger Danger, High Voltage, my opinion hasn’t changed in the 14 years between screenings.

The plot is still complete poppycock; it involves an 11-year-old Chinese girl who has a photographic memory & is a genius at math, because stereotypes… speaking of that, there’s the Russian mob, the Triad, and corrupt NYC cops—insert your own comments if you wish. Meanwhile, Statham is a ex-cop and MMA fighter who fell on hard times after a fixed fight gone wrong.

I still don’t love the opening act; thankfully, when Statham and little Mei meet each other and he saves her (although he said she saved him… awwww), business picked up, both with the story and the action. There’s brawls, shootouts, and martial arts galore; Dudes definitely Get Wrecked ™ & that was satisfying. As I learned via the end credits, Chad Stahelski did the action-no wonder. An even biggest surprise than learning Mark Mothersbaugh did the score was that an executive producer was… KEVIN SPACEY.

It was nice seeing the likes of Chris Sarandon, Robert John Burke, Anson Mount, and (especially) James Hong, but Statham-along w/ his relationship with little girl Catherine Chan-that was quite charming. As silly as the film is, for those that like their 3-star Jason Statham motion pictures, this certainly is one of those, although aided by the rather tasty action beats.