Amityville: The Awakening

Amityville: The Awakening (2017)

Runtime: 87 minutes

Directed by: Franck Khalfoun

Starring: Bella Thorne, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Mckenna Grace, Cameron Monaghan, Kurtwood Smith

From: The “wonderful” people at The Weinstein Company

This... this is really bad. I give many details as to why: 

Would you believe that McG's The Babysitter (as available on Netflix Instant) wasn't the only Bella Thorne movie to be released online late last week? This is so “good” that it was put on Google Play... for free. Only because of that did I see this film that sat on the shelf for several years. No matter how bad it was, the way the brothers Weinstein treated that (and many other films) is pretty gross, although what was made public about Harvey recently-and it's now news that apparently his brother Bob did similar behavior-that is a hill of beans in comparison to the humongous problem that exists in Hollywood... and many segments of society, to be honest. I just presume it's in general gone on for decades and hopefully this means that at least there will be attempts to stop such repugnant behavior and gross sexism.

But let me get back to discussing why this is so bad. The story is so ridiculous and full of logical fallacies. Thorne is an angsty teen who happens to move into the alleged haunted house on 108 Ocean Avenue (as it's known now; it used to be 112 Ocean Avenue) with her mom (Jennifer Jason Leigh!), younger sister and twin brother, who is in a vegetative state due to an accident, and if you actually want to watch this film (which I wouldn't recommend doing), wait until you hear the circumstances behind it. Thorne and Leigh don't get along and it's just not enjoyable to watch. Let me mention some bullet points that are comprised of examples:

* This is not terrifying. At all. Even worse, the lame tropes that litter far too many horror films in these modern times are included. There's a random old pop song, stupid jump scares that don't actually scare you, a young kid talking to a malevolent spirit they did not realize was putting on a facade of being friendly, etc.

* The film is meta. That is not good in this case. The original Jay Anson book (which is how the whole business of presenting a goofy story that people still believe is true, even though in all probability it is not) is namedropped, along with he 1979 James Brolin/Margot Kidder movie; they exist in this universe. Alright. Regrettably for them, we are shown some footage from The Amityville Horror film (because the movie is watched in the house!) and all it did was make me want to watch that again instead. As goofy as that was, at least it was wildly entertaining between the over the top moments (many of which were in the book) and Rod Steiger devouring the scenery due to him being out of control with his performance.

* There's a minor character named Terrence who goes to the same school as Thorne's character. What an obnoxious A-hole he is. He acts like a Men's Rights Activist and probably watches Rick & Morty as he feels like he's Rick.

* This movie had the temerity to say the Ryan Reynolds Amityville Horror “blows” because it's a remake. Yep... I imagine it's not great but in comparison...

* They try to explain why you had events in the house 40 years ago but nothing happens again until now. It's goofy and the characters laugh at it like it's a dumb suggestion; only, nothing else is ever suggested, so am I to presume this is the canon explanation?

* MUSIC BY ROB. This is an actual credit. The homeboy's full name is Robin Coudert-who has worked in the genre before-and honestly, how can I take him seriously if he just calls himself Rob?

* I could go on and on but you're better off watching or rewatching the 1979 movie; at least that way you can enjoy the epic combination of James Brolin's hair and beard. There is at least EIGHTEEN movies with Amityville in their name; I know that some have to be even worse than this... after all, some have dealt with haunted objects from the house ending up many hundreds of miles away, including dollhouses and clocks. There is plenty of recent horror you can find streaming somewhere which is more worth your time than this drivel.