xXx

xXx (2002)

Runtime: 124 minutes

Directed by: Rob Cohen

Starring: Vin Diesel, Asia Argento, Marton Csokas, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Roof

From: Revolution Studios

Would you believe I had never seen this before I gave it a spin last night? 'Tis true. It was even more hilariously 2002 than I expected. I talked about this nonsense below: 

Or: The Steve Buscemi “How do you do, fellow kids?” meme in movie form.

If I did those popular one sentence reviews here, that would be the one I would use Wow, was it an experience seeing this for the first time in early 2017, 15 years after it was released. “Dated” doesn't even begin to describe this. Then again, I am sure it came across as silly even when it was released in August of 2002. Yet, the new movie in the series has gotten some enthusiastic praise, albeit for how stupid it is. Thus, I figured I should be brave and finally check out a movie I expected to be eye-rolling, and I was not disappointed there.

The plot... who cares, really? It's a bunch of nonsense about how Eurotrash dudes want to destroy the world, pretty much, although them being Russians is unfortunately pretty timely now. Xander Cage is recruited into the NSA as he's so EXTREME as an extreme sports star who is a rebel because he's anti-authority... yes, the movie tries very hard. There's also Asia Argento, who as an actress here... was nice to look at.

The movie has some hilariously over the top and goofy action scenes, I can give it that. The story itself, it's for the birds. I saw the theatrical cut via an Amazon Video rental; I know there's a longer unrated cut out there and maybe that has what appeared to be entire scenes not present in the theatrical version that advanced the plot or connected one point to another. As is, talk about disjointed and confused. It doesn't help that Xander is an asstagonist, a not very likable protagonist. Another problem is having to see Vin Diesel actually act; sometimes it's heinously bad. He sometimes made Argento look like Meryl Streep. But, I can say that the CG was the worst thing of all. I think it was even worse than what we saw in Die Another Day.

Speaking of that movie, they have some uncomfortable parallels, not just the general idea of trying to be “hip” and “cool” for “the kids”. Both are incredibly “of their time” but Die Another Day is worse as it comes across as an old dinosaur and it's more cynical how they are trying to grab a certain market. XXX feels older due to how its shot and all the terrible nu-metal on the soundtrack (I can proudly say that even at the time, I thought most nu-metal was atrocious. Limp Bizkit, no thank you. Having to hear that garbage in the college dorms was no fun. I was thankful when I heard actual good music, like the Stop Making Sense version of Life During Wartime or some Bela Fleck) but at least it has some different and exciting action beats, even if it's surrounded by what is pretty much white noise. Anyhow, it's probably due to movies like XXX that the Bond franchise made such a drastic turn and we have the Daniel Craig films.

Normally I'd hate such a dunderheaded and misguided film where a bunch of old white men in Hollywood (and director Rob Cohen, who was an old white man in his 50's himself at the time) try to grab money from a market they barely comprehend, but as this movie has some entertainment value in the same way that things like 80's Southeast Asian action movies or Miami Connection is entertaining (those movies are a lot more stupid fun, though) I can give this hogwash an average rating. Hopefully Xander Cage returning is more akin to the stupid fun I prefer.