Almost Human

Almost Human (Milano Odia La Polizia Non Puo Sparare) (1974)

Runtime: 99 minutes

Directed by: Umberto Lenzi

Starring: Tomas Milian, Henry Silva, Laura Belli, Gino Santercole

From: Dania Film

This is another poliziotteschi film; this is another one I found via that nameless site. I picked it out at random among a selection of movies in that genre. The fact that it was from prolific Italian director Lenzi and it had Silva in a rare role as a good guy was also interesting to me. There is an unsubtitled version of the film on YouTube, so if you speak Italian then you'll be set.

The plot, stolen from the IMDb: “A psychotic small-time criminal realizes that the everyday robberies, rapes and murders he commits aren't making him all that much money, so he figures to hit the "big time" by kidnapping the daughter of a rich man.” Correct. Giulio (Milian) is a scumbag who does low-level jobs. Then, he gets the inspiration to kidnap the daughter of the rich man that his girlfriend works for. He does this with the assistance of two pals, who become increasingly uneasy as the boozer starts popping pills. That's when he becomes real psychotic and does some really shocking things.

This is pretty good overall and has what you expect from the genre (a car chase, gangs, the police, etc.) although you may be put off by some of the real dark and sleazy aspects of this. My God, what he says to his girlfriend... we first see him drunk talking to his galpal. She admonishes him for being Napoleon when he's sauced. Out of nowhere he responds that Napoleon has a big dick and then utters the great line, “I'll make you see Napoelon, you bitch!” Five minutes later he tells her his plan for the kidnapping and he needs her car. She doesn't want to but he tells her, “I swear I'll give you... I can't say love, but I'll give you COCK for your whole life”... and this changes her mind and they make out!

Things sometimes become real uncomfortable. The highlight or lowlight of that is when the evil three end up at a mansion. Giulio shoots someone so there ends up being three people left who live there. He forces the innocent people on their knees, and the three bad guys unzips their pants... yep. They cut away before it becomes too graphic, but talk about disturbing. And one of the victims is a guy. Like I said, this is a pretty dark and notably sleazy example of this genre. At least there are still some things to laugh at, such as the fashion and the black comedy.

I'll be back Monday night. I plan on finally getting around to watch the first season of a show from premium cable. I've put it off for far too long and I'll talk about that to do something a little different.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

Runtime: 101 minutes

Directed by: Tobe Hooper

Starring: Dennis Hopper, Caroline Williams, Jim Siedow, Bill Moseley, Bill Johnson

From: Cannon

I wasn't originally planning on watching this tonight;but plans changed so that's why I watched it and why this is up later than I was hoping it would go up. A few years ago I watched the classic first film in the franchise and in that review I said that the one time I saw this film years ago I didn't really care for it. But, a lot of horror fans think differently. I got the DVD as it was only a few bucks yet it was just tonight I finally watched it for a second time. My tune has changed!

The plot is that the cannibalistic Sawyer family is now in the northern part of Texas. They actually have a mobile food truck, years before that became a hip thing to do. They live in an abandoned cheap amusement park. Their attack on a yuppie car (driven by a guy who calls himself Buzz and his buddy who looks like Rick Moranis calls himself Rick the Prick!) gets recorded by a low-rent radio station as Buzz is a yuppie douche who was harrassing the lady DJ (Williams) known as Stretch. Also, Lefty Enright (Hopper) is a former Texas Ranger who happened to have some family members who were amongst those who were killed in the first movie. He's out for revenge.

The original has a reputation for being gruesome when it really isn't. It is more the atmosphere, suspense and dread that make it seem worse than it is. THIS movie is gruesome and has gore and blood. No surprise as Tom Savini was hired for the special effects. Also, while the first one had some real dark humor, there is quite a bit of that here. It's more a horror/comedy than anything else. That comedy aspect definitely worked more for me the second time around.

The movie still seems too long at times and some parts still make no sense* but if you shut your brain off that shouldn't bother you too much There are memorable characters for sure (Hopper's character and Stretch's DJ buddy L.G were my favorites, but the cook of the Sawyer family has many memorable crazy dialogue), unforgettable dialogue and scenes and yes, the gore was well-done. As long as you know this is a crazed demented sequel to a usually serious first movie (here, Leatherface falls in love and his chainsaw is pretty much an extension of his penis! What would Freud say?), then you should enjoy it well-enough. I'll be back Thursday night.

• When Buzz's car is running parallel to the truck driven by the Sawyer family, why doesn't Buzz slam on the brakes instead of continuing to run parallel? A pretty good question, I say!

Some Words About The Oscars Last Night

I wasn't planning on watching the Academy Awards last night; I was thinking about watching some film. But plans changed...

I haven't really cared too much about it for at least the past few years now; talk about a bloated pompous affair, and of course all the screw-ups they make. Well, once I heard that no-talent idiot who has created some all-time terrible cartoons and a stupid talking teddy bear movie, I now knew for certain not to check it out! However, it came to my attention that someone I only know from the online world was going to do a webcam broadcast of the awards show where he and his pals would rip apart everything, and hey, that sounded like something perfect for me. 

That broadcast they did, though... it started off fine as they riffed on all the stuipd red carpet crap. But, about 15 minutes into that seemingly 9 hour long opening with William Shatner that was SO horrible and so bad, the video cut out and the account got suspended because, get this, “the owner of this content has reached his bandwidth limit.” So in other words, the U Broadcast website is God-awful and a pathetic joke, although still better than Seth MacFarlane! I'll be honest, the only audio of the show I heard was the first 15 minutes of the opening-where the webcam guys ripped it apart like I would for being awful-but that was more than enough for me to know just to half-watch the show on TV while I listen to music on my laptop. Once I saw who won most of the awards, I was reminded why I've been apathetic about the Oscars for awhile now.

Oh, and I have never found The Onion to be all that funny. The most obvious jokes are made and besides them not being amusing at all, they are presented in the laziest most uncreative of ways; before they deleted it, they had a Tweet up where they said that 9 year old Quvenzhane Wallis was “the c-word”; I won't say the word they actually used. Charming people they are. 

Then there is Jennifer Lawrence and her now tiresome act of being a ditz... either it's all an act like what Jessica Simpson apparently did so long ago (and I hated it back then too) or it's legit. Either way, what a damn annoying woman! Sorry but that's honestly how I feel. On press row after you win an Oscar, you flip off the cameras like a 16 year old girl on Instagram... like I said, incredibly tiresome.

I'll be back tomorrow night and this time I'll talk about some sort of movie.

Stunt Rock

A low-fi clip from Stunt Rock, at least the musical part of the film.

Stunt Rock (1980)

Runtime: 86 minutes

Directed by: Brian Trenchard-Smith

Starring: Grant Page, Monique van Der Van, Margaret Gerard, and the band Sorcery

From: Intertamar

For the afternoon of my 32^nd birthday (damn am I old) I figured I should talk about what I watched last night; it's an infamous film that did not do much when released but since then has become a cult classic, and was featured in the great documentary on Aussie film known as Not Quite Hollywood. I mentioned Grant Page before when talking about The Man From Hong Kong, as he has a great fight scene with star Jimmy Wang Yu. In real life he is a stuntman (yes, he's still in the field) and this documentary/mockumentary/rock 'n roll extravaganza is like a big love letter to him. Let me explain.

The plot may be best described as “threadbare”. Stuntman Grant Page plays himself as he goes to Los Angeles to work on a fictitious TV show known as Undercover Girl, starring real-life Dutch star van Der Van. He is also a (fake) cousin to a member of the real-life band Sorcery, and what an act they are. They play 70's hard rock but they have an elaborate stage show involving Merlin (!) battling a demon (!!) using such things as fire, magic tricks, and other theatrics. He is chronicled by a fake reporter (Gerard), which allows us to see footage of him from the past as she does a story about him. Got it?

This movie is not one you should watch for the cogent plot or the quality acting on display, as this has neither. Rather, you should check it out to have a good time if you enjoy such things as stunts, explosions, hard rock, goofy theatrics, or a mix of all of those. This is what the film is all about. I have heard this was filmed very quickly and it does show. 

However, it doesn't really matter as if you fall into the target market, you should enjoy it. It also gives a lot of praise to stuntmen, a field that most people ignore or just don't think about. Sad to say even the Oscars are that way and don't seem to really care about people who do stunts. Sure, they just gave an honorary Oscar to Hal Needham for his years of work in the field but other than that... anyhow, besides this movie being like the foundation to the Church of Grant Page, there is also footage of people doing stunts from silent movies and even some clips from the original Gone in 60 Seconds.

By now you've already probably decided whether or not this slice of Ozploitation is for you. There is likely nothing else I can add that will change your opinion for better or for worse. I'll be back Monday afternoon.

Suspiria

Suspiria (1977)

Runtime: 94 minutes (at least that's the version I saw tonight)

Directed by: Dario Agento

Starring: Jessica Harper, Stefania Casini, Flavio Bucci, Miguel Bose, Barbara Magnolfi

From: Seda Spettacoli

As I mentioned it recently I figured that I should rewatch this film, which I had seen before but it had been a real long while. So, I was able to track down this movie and give it another viewing. It's a classic giallo and for good reason.

To steal the plot description from elsewhere, that being the IMDb: “A newcomer to a fancy ballet academy gradually comes to realize that the staff of the school are actually a coven of witches bent on chaos and destruction.” Yep, that is true. I am sure that if you are not too familiar with the movie then I just gave away the big mystery of the film, but by now it's not exactly a secret.

You don't go watching this movie for the logical plot, as this isn't that sort of movie. That is not the draw at all. Rather, this is a surreal nightmare of the film and everything was designed that way, from the old-school Technicolor way it was filmed to how certain colors are made to stand out (especially the color red), various scenes being lit in different colors-even green-to even the wallpaper having weird designs. It's a beautiful motion picture to just look at and admire. But what pushes it over the top is the awesome Goblin score, with assistance from Argento himself. It's weird and all prog-rock and it helps set the mood.

If you want to read a better written and more extensive take on this movie (along with some stills from the film), check out this article from a site known as The Lucid Nightmare. He really likes the movie, I'll spoil it. If you haven't seen this and you love the genre, you really should give it a watch.

I'll be back Friday afternoon. Yes, the afternoon of my 32^nd birthday. I plan on watching something tomorrow.

A Quick Announcement

I haven't felt like watching any movies today (although I'll be back tomorrow night with a review, I promise) so I'll take this time to mention that I am now using the Letterboxd website. It's a fancy-looking place to rate movies and discuss why you rated it how you did. I am usually not a star ratings person myself but once I was able to, I signed up for the site. They used to be invitation only but they became public recently. I only have part of what I've reviewed here on there; sometime way off in the future I'll have all that I can up there. Besides the star ratings I also offer up brief comments which explain the rating.

My page there is: http://letterboxd.com/blairrussell/

What Have They Done To Your Daughters?

What Have They Done To Your Daughters? (La Polizia Chiede Aiuto) (1974)

Runtime: 87 minutes (at least the version I found)

Directed by: Massimo Dallamano

Starring: Giovanna Ralli, Claudio Cassinelli, Mario Adorf, Franco Fabrizi, Farley Granger

From: Primex Italiana

Here is an obscure movie I did not even know of until a day or two ago. I stumbled upon it as I heard it was a combination of a poliziotteschi film and a giallo. I haven't seen too many giallo film aside from Suspiria (the movie from Argento called Giallo... please don't watch it. It's bad, as I found out when I watched it), but I'll try to expand my knowledge there too, I promise.

The plot: The police investigate what appears to be a suicide of a young teenage girl. They discover that it was a set-up which is covering up something else; that's right, she was murdered. The suspects in the case are taken out, though, by a mysterious motorcycle-riding guy whose weapon of choice is a meat cleaver. Needless to say, as it's a giallo you see blood flying about, splattering on the walls.

Overall, I'd say that this was more a giallo than anything else, with the law enforcement investigating the case providing the crime drama aspect. There's also the cheesecake aspect with the assistant DA being an attractive woman, and you see some other ladies appear in the nude. It's an interesting tale where you don't quite know what's going on until the very end, so there's the mystery aspect. There's even some action with a nice motorcycle chase where it's being followed by police cars. It was a nice watch and if you can find it, you may enjoy it too. I did see the dubbed version and Adorf's voice sounded like Tom Skerritt, which greatly amused me.

I'll be back Tuesday night.

Revolver

Revolver (1973)

Runtime: 111 minutes

Directed by: Sergio Sollima

Starring: Oliver Reed, Fabio Testi, Agostina Belli, Frederic de Pasquale

From: Mega Film

If you don't remember, late last spring I was able to watch some poliziotteschi films (i.e. tough Italian crime dramas from the 70's) and I really enjoyed them, between their usually crazy nature, the blurring the lines between good and evil, the intentional and unintentional humor, and strong action scenes); last night I was looking around to see what Russian films can be found online and I found quite the source for watching obscure and not so obscure movies. I might mention in the future what it is but for now I'll keep it secret. Anyhow, I went through it and spent time bookmarking what I'd like to watch in the future. Already it's a big list, which will only increase in the future.

I picked this out as it was in a genre I want to see more of and it sounded interesting as it stars the notorious Reed, best known not for his legit acting talent but rather his alcoholism and all the problems that caused him. For example, the director and Testi have said that Reed often showed up to set drunk, was difficult at times to work with, and that he wanted Fabio to engage in drinking contests with him! Despite this, this was a quality performance from old Oliver.

The plot: Reed is a prison warden at an Italian prison. His wife (Belli, a rather attractive Italian woman) is kidnapped and she'll be freed if he is able to free a petty criminal (Testi); the criminal claims he does now know who is behind it but he is freed anyway and Reed pretty much kidnaps him as they have to team up (but it's not a buddy cop movie sort of thing) to try and free the wife.

Note right away that this is a more serious entry in the genre. The humor I got was from Reed doing what you'd expect him to do at times (i.e. slapping around and beating up prisoners) and from the wacky clothing you often see. Speaking of seeing, there are also several Citroen DS's on display and those are awesome cars. There isn't as much action as in films like The Italian Connection or Live Like A Cop,Die Like A Man. This is more of a drama than anything, but that's OK. The story was always interesting to me (it seems complex at first but by the end you'll see it isn't that complicated) and with nice performances from the two leads, it's a nice watch, although along with the political commentary you see by the end, there are also some rough moments for the characters and I'll leave it at that. As long as you know what to expect going in, you should enjoy this.

Oh, and the score is from the legendary Ennio Morricone. It's cool. A song from it (Un Amico) was used to dramatic effect in Inglourious Basterds; no surprise that Tarantino would enjoy this.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

A Good Day to Die Hard

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

A sterling 17% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 151 reviews)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: John Moore

Starring: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch, Yuliua Snigir

From: 20^th Century Fox

Unfortunately, the largely negative reaction this has gotten... it is true. I have talked about the other movies in the franchise the past few days, and now I close out with this. I don't want to spoil anything so I'll just discuss why I think this is the worst out of the franchise with some general discussion.

You probably already know the plot by now: John McClane has to go to Moscow as his adult son Jack (John Jr.) has gotten himself into a fair bit of trouble. Things happen and the two (who have a fractured relationship, I'll put it that way) have to team up to try and take down the Russian bad guys. Things sometimes go in a direction that made me go, “Oh, come on now.” and “Really, you guys went there?”

I say that the crux of the story wasn't so bad, at least in theory. In execution, though... the way the story is fleshed out is not always great and like I just said, some parts of it I sighed or I shook my head. It is that ridiculous at times. Also, the movie seems to imply that Grenoble is in Switzerland when it's actually in France! Honest. Not only was a Winter Olympics held there in 1968, but it's where Andre the Giant was usually billed from, “Grenoble, in the French Alps”. Also, at least 6 times John yells out, “I'm on vacation!” Um, since when was this a vacation? You went there to see your son! You didn't go there on vacation to see Red Square, Saint Basil's Cathedral, and the Bolshoi Theatre! See what I mean about there being problems, and that's just of a non-spoiler nature. There are plenty of illogical things which happen that make no sense, especially in the final act.

The relationship between father and son... I quickly grew tired of it. The son was a total ass to his dad and I wanted dad to take him over his knee and spank him! That is what he needed. But, when a Die Hard movie has poorly shot, totally confused action where you often can't make heads or tails of it and you can't follow what is going on... a massive problem that is. I suppose that's what you get when you have a director with his track record directing an important property like this. I don't mean to be rude but I have to state that. There are a number of directors they should have chosen instead of this guy, rather it be a familiar name or an up and comer who could do something worthwhile with the big break. For example, John Hyams of the past two Universal Soldiers films. He certainly does not shoot and present action in an incompetent manner.

In short, it's disappointing there was an entry in this storied franchise that many should say is not a good film. It was nice while it lasted but I had a feeling that in this day and age with Hollywood and how they do business, something like this was bound to happen. It doesn't mean it doesn't suck. At least I saw the movie on the giant screen they have at Downtown Disney and because of that I got a cheap t-shirt which advertises the movie and the fancy Dolby soundsystem the giant screen has. Hey, at least it was free!

I'll be back tomorrow night.

Live Free or Die Hard

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

Runtime: 129 minutes

Directed by: Len Wiseman

Starring: Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Timothy Olyphant, Maggie Q

From: 20^th Century Fox

Oh man was this not a good revisit. Not that I liked it the first time I saw it (which was on DVD; I never saw it on the big screen. A PG-13 Die Hard? F You 20^th Century Fox!) but tonight... and I do plan on seeing the new one tomorrow, so it may be a bad end of the week for me film-wise!

You know the plot already, or at least that is what I am presuming... a totally ridiculous plot of some techno-terrorists using technology to try and take down the United States and it takes John McClane and his new young cyber punk pal Matt Farrell to try and stop them... and yeah, when I first heard about the plot oh so long ago I wasn't too interested, but when I saw the movie I thought it was highly stupid; turns out, it still is highly stupid and ridiculous and none of it I could ever believe. That doesn't even take into account how I could never believe any of the superhuman things that McClane could now do, a drastic change from the first movie where his feet hurt like hell when he literally had to walk on broken glass.

If it wasn't for the relationship between John and Matt being fine (at least)-although oh boy is the relationship between John and his daughter pretty terrible overall-and the action being rather entertaining, I would really hate this. As is, it's just a stupid action movie which barely is a Die Hard film and really, I say the first three are the only true ones in the series and everything else is just a pretender.

I'll be back tomorrow night with the new Die Hard, and I hope I don't have to be even more vicious in bashing that than I was tonight in reviewing this film. Early signs, though... it may be a bad day to watch a movie.

A Few Words About The Die Hard Trilogy

No review for me until tomorrow night (hint: I'll be talking about the 4^th Die Hard movie, the unrated version) but tonight I'll say some quick words about the first three films in that franchise. I know that the new one hasn't exactly been getting good reviews but I still plan on seeing it on the big screen, so it makes sense to talk about the earlier films first.

The original Die Hard... awesome. It's still one of my all-time favorites. There's hardly anything for me to complain about. This is how action films should be done. I mean, it sparked many imitators and even changed how a genre of movies was done for a long while. I am glad I was able to see it on the big screen in I believe '05. It was an original film print but that made it all the more interesting.

Die Hard 2, sure there's more than one character which acts very stupid and that can get annoying, but still it's a satisfying film with plenty of exciting and good action.

Die Hard With A Vengeance I was thankfully able to see on the big screen in the summer of '95. I was able to go with a parent so that's how I saw this R-rated movie at the age of 14. I enjoyed it then, and I still do now, as the team of John McClane and Zeus are a memorable duo and the villain's plan certainly is memorable. It's just a shame that the ending is not what you would call “as good as the rest of the film.” Still, that's a quality trilogy given that if many franchises do make it to at least a third, that there are many which end up not being so good overall.

I'll have more to say about the most controversial entry in the franchise tomorrow night when I give my opinion on the 4^th film and how the unrated version isn't as enticing as it sounds. I really hope that when I see the dumbly titled newest entry in the franchise, I won't have to piss and moan about its quality, but the word I've been hearing has mostly not been good. Sigh.

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)

Runtime: 114 minutes (the Unrated Director's cut, anyhow; the R-rated version is only about 30 seconds shorter and I do not know if there are any differences of note besides cuts for violence)

Directed by: John Hyams

Starring: Scott Adkins, Andrei Arlovski, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren

From: Foresight Unlimited/Signature Pictures

Now, here's a movie I've heard about for months; via a messageboard I found out about the goodness of the previous film, Universal Soldier: Regeneration, a movie I watched and reviewed back in '10. I enjoyed it. Once I began hearing about this one, though, I realized that this is taking a left turn into the bizarre. With each still of Van Damme having a painted bald head and other oddities, I wondered which direction this was really going in. Once it came out, boy were there mixed reviews. Some loved it and others were just turned off by it. I decided to check it out via Xbox Video, which is a quality service I have used only twice but both times it worked great for me with no problems. I saw the Unrated Director's cut as it was available; if you want to be cheap, at least at the moment it isn't too hard to find on YouTube the original R-rated version, which likely isn't too different aside from cuts for violence.

The plot: Ignore the previous UniSol movies, pretty much. Luke Deveraux (Van Damme) is now the bad guy. You see right away that he murders the wife and daughter of John (Adkins). He has to deal with getting revenge on Luke, but also the return of the Magnus character (Arlovski) AND despite the previous film, Andrew Scott (Lundgren) is still alive and causing trouble too. I could spoil more but I won't.

First off, this movie was filmed for 3D. I don't think too many people have actually seen it in that format. Maybe it's for the best. I likely would not want to see all those strobe light effects in that format! That is probably an important thing to note: there's a reason why but at various points throughout you see a strobe light effect where it flashes from the picture to pure white and back again at a really fast rate and needless to say, people with epilepsy probably shouldn't watch this, just in case there's a negative reaction to that effect.

As to the story... I heard it is more like a horror film where it's broken up by strong violence, and that isn't the worst description. Problem is, I thought much of this was just flat out boring if it wasn't off-putting! A movie with its head up its own ass, I say. The story didn't grip me; sure, it may be because this seemed to be heavily inspired by Apocalypse Now and the one time I saw it that film I thought it was highly overrated (the documentary Hearts of Darkness, about the extremely troubled production, is really good though), but the story just did not work for me at all. Why they went in such a weird direction, I don't know, but I wish they wouldn't have. And I knew this going in, but Van Damme and Dolph have only real small roles in this film

It's a shame, as the action scenes in general are well-done, pretty violent, and entertaining. There's a car chase among all the brawls and shoot-outs. It's just a damn shame that I did not like the story all that much. Let's not even talk about the ending; I was real turned off by several aspects of it, and it's massive spoilers so I won't go into detail. It was just a turn-off at a few points instead of one. But hey, some out there think this is great overall, so your mileage may vary.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

V/H/S

V/H/S (2012)

Runtime: 116 minutes

Directed by: 9 different guys! This is a horror anthology

Starring: A bunch of low-budget or microbudget actors most people would not have heard of before

From: The Collective

I have had an Xbox 360 since the last few days of last year. Yet, it wasn't until late Thursday night I decided to explore the Xbox Video area on the Dashboard. I had no idea they offered up so many different movies. Sure, a lot of them are low budget or even lower and there's probably a lot of crap not worth watching, but this is still a service I'll be using at least once in awhile. It's not a one month flat rate thing like Netflix or Hulu. You rent one movie at a time for a few bucks each (or what that equals in Microsoft Points), or you can even purchase it and have it saved on your hard drive.

There were some interesting options but I decided to go with this horror anthology as I've heard a lot about it in recent months, and talk about a divisive film. Some like most of it, some only like a segment or two, and there are even some that hated it all. I was curious to check it out, and they also have the newer horror anthology The ABC's of Death, where they have 26(!) different short films that only last a few minutes long each (it's a little over 2 hours; it's not like this is 5 hours or anything), and I figured I should see it in chronological order, so this one first. There's also an S-VHS that got rushed into production real quickly, not giving me much confidence considering the rushed production aspect.

The plot, stolen from the IMDb: “When a group of misfits is hired by an unknown third party to burglarize a desolate house and acquire a rare VHS tape, they discover more found footage than they bargained for.” Yes. The tapes are unlabeled so they have to go through them, resulting in the short films that make up the meat of the sandwich while the bread is the story of these misfits going through the tapes.

“Misfits” is putting it lightly. I've used the term “asstagonists” before to describe protagonists who turn out to be loathsome human beings; THESE guys are asstagonists. To say they are hoodlums is insulting to hoodlums everywhere. They vandalize an abandoned house, and that's the nicest thing they do. They sexually assault a woman in a parking garage and they film her topless! Charming. The problem is, all the other short films except the last one is FULL of other asstagonists! Oh, and the fate of those misfits... it was presented in a non-satisfying manner. Let me break it down one by one:

The first sketch is a pair of college fratboy douche types who go into the big city to party and they look to score with some chicks. Their nerdy pal is with them as he has on magical glasses that films the action. Things end up going really awry. Sure, they were douches but at times their drunken buffoonery was rather amusing; one of them humps the side of the bed apparently because he's really horny! There are legit frights and chilling moments, too. I can't say that for much of what I saw after this.

A sketch directed by Ti West (the most famous director here) about a young couple on their “second honeymoon”. A few months ago I watched House of the Devil. I was not a fan of it. When even Ti West fans do not like this... this was just SO boring, pointless, and once you find out what it's all about, it doesn't make much sense and I thought, “That's it?”

A sketch set out in the woods: I think this was the worst one of them all! Yes, even worse than the preceding short. All of these characters were REALLY horrible from beginning to end. I mean, a major turn-off. Then, once you find out what the big bad is... nothing is explained, and not everything has to be spoonfed to you, but what it is makes zero sense and maybe if this was a full feature and it had decent characters and the time to explain a little of what it was and the mythology, then maybe you'd have something. But here, it was pretty horrific and horrifying, and I mean that in the way of punishing the audience due to its badness.

A Skype short: Yes, Skype. On a Mac. Was a computer screen filmed on a VHS tape? It looked a lot clearer than the other footage... sure, there were creepy moments but what the plot ended up being was lame and unpleasant and a waste of time.

A short set on Halloween night, 1998: This was definitely the best one. The young male characters were actually tolerable or better. There were plenty of spooky moments (they weren't elaborate by any means but at least they worked; I heard it compared to Evil Dead and that seems at least somewhat appropriate). The ending was memorable. Bravo to Radio Silence, the quartet who did this. I'd like to see more from them. At least the best was saved for last.

Overall, aside from moments in the college douche short and the entirety of the ending short, this was a massive disappointment, especially considering that it's gotten real strong praise from horror sites and even many horror fans rate this at least a little higher than I did, if not a lot more. I am baffled by its popularity.

I'll be back Monday night.

My First Wedding

My First Wedding (2006)

Runtime: 94 minutes

Directed by: Laurent Firode

Starring: Rachael Leigh Cook, Kenny Doughtr, Paul Hopkins, Valerie Mahaffey

From: Paragraph Pictures

Tonight, I figured it was time to see another Rachael film as it has been almost 2 months since the last time that happened. I figured I should go with one that I've actually been fearing since I first heard about it; it's a romantic comedy, which is rarely my thing. Then, the plot is a “mistaken identity” thing where I figured wacky hijinks would ensue, and yeah that isn't always my thing either.

Sure, I was amused to find out that this is about a woman who is about to be married but then suddenly out of nowhere she becomes a horny chick who lusts after every man (this isn't subtle, as I found out once I started watching it) and she tries to fix this by going to church and who she thinks is the priest she confesses to is actually a good-looking motorcycle-riding carpenter who was repairing something in the church. He likes her looks (certainly understandable) and he falls in love, so he has to play a priest who will help her horniness while he actually wants to break up the impending marriage... but still, I was fearing this one.

My thoughts after watching this movie...well, at least Rachael and the rest of the cast got to go to Montreal-a city I've love to visit as I have heard it is great-for a few weeks to film this. Sure, it's hilarious that she suddenly become such a nymphomaniac that she couldn't wait THREE DAYS to marry her rich successful man and finally get laid (he's a religious sort, as we're told early on... although he doesn't act like that all the time; typical) and she has somehow never been laid before herself and she has doubts for no reason that he's even the right man... still, it's a bunch of stupid characters you can't believe are real human beings acting ridiculous and doing the wrong thing almost all the time in order to make it a feature-length movie. Dear God Almighty, there was like a 5 minute long extended charades scene done for no logical reason except to pad things out!

In short, even if you are the type that enjoys romantic comedies, I imagine there are many better ones out there. Not every actor can be like John Cazale and only made a few movies and literally every one is a classic. In fact, just about every actor has some stinkers on their record and a lot of people would admit that this was one of those films that was crappy. I unfortuantely have to say that this is one of Rachael's worst, due to no fault of her. It just turned out that way. At least I did get some laughs out of it so it wasn't a total loss, but often I did sigh or shake my head or put my face in my hands.

I'll be back Saturday night.

Friday Foster

Friday Foster (1975)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Arthur Marks

Starring: Pam Grier, Yaphet Kotto, Carl Weathers, Godfrey Cambridge, Scatman Crothers

From: AIP

First off, I decided to cancel the remaining few days of my free Hulu Plus trial month, so that I don't forget to do it and it was too late. Hopefully sometime later I'll just pay the 8 bucks and I'll pick a better 30 day time period where I can watch movies with little distraction and also hopefully not have computer issues with trying to watch something. In the meantime, I do have plenty to watch in theatres for the rest of 2013, along with what I own and rentals from Blockbuster.

Now, because I just finished watching this movie on MGMHD (which is why this is up late), here is Friday Foster, based upon a comic strip noted for being the first major one to have a black leading character. Of course, it was gone by the time this movie came out. Whoops! The plot, stolen directly from the IMDb:

“Friday Foster, an ex-model magazine photographer, goes to Los Angeles International Airport to photograph the arrival of Blake Tarr, the richest black man in America. Three men attempt to assassinate Tarr. Foster photographs the melee and is plunged into a web of conspiracy involving the murder of her childhood friend, a US senator, and a shadowy plan called "Black Widow".”

I heard a podcast episode devoted to this movie; it came out about this time last year and they explained that this was a minor film and not as awesome as you'd hope given the cast and the lead especially. Pam Grier isn't an awesome badass as she was in Coffy or Foxy Brown, both movies I've talked at least a little about in the past. 

As for this movie, it's standard fare where Pam is more a damsel in distress who has to be saved by others; usually it's Yaphet who does that. Everything about it (well, at least the important things; not the fashion, though... there are some hilarious outfits, especially the duds that Weathers has on for one scene, which is black pants, a red plaid coat, and a black and white tie which you never get a good look at but I swear it's of a boy looking at a starry sky!) is acceptable but not great or anything of that level. It's just a time-waster you'll probably watch once or maybe twice but you certainly would prefer to revisit Coffy or Foxy Brown more often.

At least there's other famous faces, such as Eartha Kitt (!) who refers to a character as “a f*ggot”! Wow, was I shocked to hear her utter such language. Of course, the character she insults actually is gay; there's a scene with him in a gay club that Pam and Yaphet visit and thankfully it's not as appallingly offensive as it could have been. Pam's boss is Julius Harris, probably best known as Tee Hee from Live and Let Die. Jim Backus-wearing a leisure suit!-has a one scene cameo and Isaac from The Love Boat (Ted Lange) plays a pimp who tries to woo Grier. Yes, you do get to see Pam topless, but there are other movies you can view if you are dying to see her bare breasts.

I'll be back Thursday night.

A Change In Plans

Unfortunately, I've felt pretty crappy today for whatever reasons, so you'll have to wait until tomorrow night for a review from me. I should hopefully feel better then.

My List Of The Best Movies Of 2012

Finally, here is the list. I did this to wrap up 2010 and 2011. You can read the 2010 take here and the 2011 one here. In hindsight I might rate some movies differently, but that's in the past. Just click on the movie title to go to my original review.

Honorable Mention

American Reunion

This is a comedy that I wasn't sure about going in; after all, there was the crappiness of American Wedding... this one, though, ended up being quite entertaining and it was nice for those who were in high school when the first one came out (like me) or otherwise saw all the other theatrical films in the series. It's really funny and has some nice setpieces.

10: Chronicle

I saw it late in its theatrical run. I ended up being shocked that this was as good as it was given it was from 20^th Century Fox and the first previews I saw, it looked like some teenybopper crap. Thankfully I was wrong. There will be a sequel, and this time there appears to be studio interference (the first one being filmed in South Africa probably helped in there not being that) and boy am I disappointed in that.

9: The Grey

I know that how the movie ended really divided people and I know people who loved it and others hated it. Me, I fall in the former. Besides that, this is a downbeat 70's style drama with a tremendous plane crash.

8: Haywire

In hindsight I should have seen this on the big screen. I know that various people out there don't like it; me, I think it's a cool and stylish action thriller with an admittedly basic plot. The awesome score really makes it, I say. The action scenes are also pretty great.

7: Killer Joe

Also in hindsight I should have seen this on the big screen as it did play in NC-17 form in Orlando. I goofed. My problems with one major character aside, the rest of it was quite strong and pretty great overall.

6: Dredd 3D

Talk about movies that divide people... I have come across plenty of complaints about this from action fans, let alone regular folk. Me, I really dug this stylized film which by coincidence ; as I heard from someone I know on Twitter, this movie knows what it is, does it well, and gets it done in under 90 minutes.

5: Django Unchained

I just talked about this movie a few days ago. It was thankfully a movie from Tarantino that I thought was a hit rather than a miss.

4: Skyfall

A movie I saw twice on the big screen. I am glad it made me forget just how lousy and crappy Quantum of Solace was. Great action, a Dark Knight sort of story, and what a villain Javier Bardem was.

3: God Bless America

Not to have people worry about me, but I swear this is a movie I could have written, given that I share many of the same viewponits. I am not saying I want to gun down all the stupid ignorant rude people in America; I am just glad that the shitty American culture we have today with “reality” TV and people not being nice to each other got skewered so viciously.

2: The Raid: Redemption

I heard really strong buzz about this movie for months before it came out. Thankfully it lived up to the hype and more. What an amazing action spectacle, and great action scenes at that. And this was a random movie from Indonesia, of all places. If you love action/martial arts, this is a must-see. It was just coincidence this had some strong similarities to Dredd 3D.

1: The Expendables 2

I know some action fans who either disliked or downright hated it. I am not quite sure why they thought that or expected something else given the first movie and who was in this one. Me, this had to be my Number One. I had a HUGE adrenaline rush from this that I was feeling on the long drive home and even after I made it to my bedroom. Yep, I enjoyed the movie that much. The first 15 minutes blew anything in the original out of the water and I fell in love with it then.

I'll be back Monday night.