Antitrust

Antitrust (2001)

Runtime: 109 minutes


Directed by: Peter Howitt


Starring: Ryan Phillippe, Rachael Leigh Cook, Claire Forlani, Tim Robbins


From: MGM

I know, I wasn't planning on watching yet another movie involving a certain actress but I saw this was playing earlier tonight on MGMHD and it was at midnight so I had to wait and watch that before I could do this.

It's certainly a movie I've heard of before but never seen; it's a surprise, given not only who is in it but also because it's a goofy thriller about the computer industry. Basically, this movie's evil corporation is clearly supposed to be Microsoft and its Bill Gates is an evil son of a bitch who does some horrible things; thus it's a big love letter to the open-source movement, meaning that everyone should have access to the code of software and change it and improve it how they see fit, such as Linux, where Microsoft is of course closed source.

But I'll spare that nerditry and get on to talking about this movie, which revolves around Ryan's character getting hired by N.U.R.V., run by the Not Bill Gates known as Gary Winston (Robbins); things seem to be fine at first. After all, Ryan has a lovely g/f (Forlani) and he gets to know a female employee there (Cook; lucky guy). But then he discovers some bad things going down and he has to try and stop it. A Department of Justice guy (Richard Roundtree!) also gets involved.

The movie is rather silly and ridiculous (especially as it nears its conclusion) but it's still entertaining for what it is. The techno-babble isn't overwhelming so even if you aren't a geek you should be able to follow what's going on. You see plenty of goofy things... that makes the movie fun to watch. How can you not laugh at a big plot point being a character having a severe allergic reaction to sesame seeds, or how there's a jump scare involving a gerbil in its cage? Heck, Forlani's character drives a Citroen 2CV, an old car which you may recognize as that goofy-looking yellow car James Bond has to drive for a few minutes while going down the mountainside in For Your Eyes Only.

There are many computer-related phrases and words out there that can be applied to sex/dirty talk. I'll restrain myself from being lewd, but I'll say that Ms. Cook usually makes me require the use of a heatsink, so to speak, and she looked rather nice in this movie. It's inoffensive so if you enjoy thrillers where underdogs try to take down a big corporation then by all means check this out.

I'll be back Monday night.

The Family Tree

The Family Tree (2011)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Directed by: Vivi Friedman

Starring: Dermot Mulroney, Hope Davis, Matt Theriot, Britt Robinson

From: Entertainment One

I'll be honest, this is a film that has a cameo from a certain lady, so yes I am continuing my Cook-a-thon. You can make any sort of “wood” jokes you want to, but as I'll mention soon, there's a large ensemble cast, including a bevy of beauties. This has been on the Showtime channels as of late but I decided to rent the DVD for the night from Blockbuster, as I was able to and it was more convenient for me.

I wasn't sure what to expect given that it's only rated 5.1 on IMDb and I've come across some rather negative reviews. However, I thought this was a wildly entertaining black comedy. It was certainly darker than I expected. In short, the plot is about a family (the four people I listed above; the dad is a wimp who works at a crappy job, the mom is a harpy who does charity work but seemingly for shallow reasons, the son is a Bible-loving gun-nut and the daughter looks like Avril Lavigne and acts like it too, being a “tough” lady who has the reputation of being easy). The mom has a sex-related accident and she doesn't remember anything that happened after she got married. That is part of the plot but a lot of it is seeing that not only is the family dysfunctional but there are a lot of weird and wacky people in a random Midwestern town.

The cast includes such people as Bow Wow (yeah, the rapper), Chi McBride, and Keith Carradine; lady-wise, there's Gabrielle Anwar, Jane Seymour, Madeline Zima, Selma Blair, the boobalicious Christina Hendricks, and the aformentioned Ms. Cook, who only appears in one scene, but I was OK with it. A lot of the cast only appear for about a few minutes of screentime each and it's fine as I enjoyed the story quite a bit; I laughed at all the dark humor and screwed-up things you see.

To give some examples, early on you see a teenaged male climb up a tree to spy on Davis sleeping. The guy uses binoculars and unzips his pants... yes, for the second time in a week I've seen a film which has a scene of a guy flogging his dolphin to something perveted. A squirrel startles him and well, he hangs himself via those binoculars and he dies... and his body isn't found right away! You see a female teacher kiss a female student in a school bathroom, a nosering gets ripped out, a guy has sex and he says “Stop” and then says “Hammer time!” It's quite wild and it's also odd, but not in an off-putting manner. There's a lot of comedy but there's also some drama. You may disagree but I thought this was a pleasant surprise.

I'll be back Friday night.

She's All That

She's All That (1999)

Runtime: 95 minutes

Directed by: Robert Iscove

Starring: Freddie Prinze Jr., Rachael Leigh Cook, Jodi Lyn O'Keefe, Paul Walker

From: Miramax

I know I know, but recently this movie arrived on Netflix Instant and as I've mentioned it before I've never actually seen it before. I only saw some of the popular teen movies that came out in the late 90's when I WAS a teen. Yeah, saying that makes me feel really damn old, but it's true.

You probably already know the plot, based on Pygmalion and adapted into such things as My Fair Lady. Basically, the recently dumped but usually a decent guy Zach Siler (Prinze Jr.) gets into a bet with the D-bag Dean Sampson (Walker) that Zach could turn any girl into a prom queen in six weeks. Dean picks Lainey Boggs (Cook) as allegedly she is so hideous by not wearing makeup but wearing glasses and being anti-social. I know, as everyone has said in the years since then, LOL to the idea that she wasn't already hot even dressing like a geek. Then again, this is a world where a high school has a DJ on campus and the school prom features a “spontaneous” choreographed dance to The Rockafeller Skank, so you're supposed to suspend your disbelief throughout. Anyhow, things then become rather predictable.

Sure, the movie is rather goofy and silly. But it's also a nice movie and charming and it's an easy watch. It certainly has a large cast of familiar faces; besides the people I mentioned already there's Kevin Pollak, Tim Matheson, Gabrielle Union, Lil' Kim back before she tried to literally turn herself white, Dule Hill, Matthew Lillard, Anna Paquin, Kieran Culkin, Usher, and even the guy who became famous for being The Sherminator... some of the people in this cast certainly became more famous after 2000 began.

Really, if nothing else this was quite the nostalgia trip for me. The faces I saw in the cast, the lingo, the songs... it was like going back in time to the halcyon days of yore for me... man. Once again, I felt ancient. But, it was a nice trip down memory lane. So overall I am glad I finally got to see the film, if only for the nostalgia; however, the acting was fine throughout. Yes, even from Paul Walker. There are still other famous movies like this in the late 90's I haven't seen; yeah, even back then I had different tastes from many of my peers. Maybe one day I'll see them, and maybe I won't.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

Live Like A Cop, Die Like A Man

Live Like A Cop, Die Like A Man (Uomini si nance poliziotti si muore)(1976)

Runtime: 100 minutes

Directed by: Ruggero Deodato

Starring: Marc Porel, Ray Lovelock, Adolfo Celi, Renato Salvatori

From: Cineproduzioni Daunia 70 

Here is another entry in the poliziotteschi genre; this time it is from an infamous director best known for the rather controversial (to say the least) film Cannibal Holocaust, a rather effective movie that was found footage long before that trend started but it got a lot of crap due to how effective the kills were... some thought they were legit! Even worse, some animals actually got killed on camera and yeah I was like most people in that we did not need to see such a thing get filmed. Anyhow, I figured this would be a rather violent and brutal film and that was indeed true as I watched this on Netflix Instant.

The plot sounds rather simple: A pair of young cops who sometimes come off as ambiguously gay are members of a secret part of the police department of a random Italian city; this allows them to act rather wildly as they bust crime and try to take down a big gangster. It turns out, the plot is rather threadbare and it's really just a bunch of scenes loosely connected together.

Yet, it's a lot of fun. The two “heroes” act just about as recklessly and callous as the guys they chase. They'll be happy to kill a criminal by snapping their neck, or shooting someone attempting to rob a bank before they even enter the bank. They also make rather sexist remarks and are happy to sleep around and even share the same woman. They're a-holes... but charming a-holes you like despite how deplorable they act.

What makes this a joy to watch despite the threadbare plot is that it's never boring; it moves along at a quick pace. Also, it does indeed get rather bloody at times. Guys get hurt and killed in rather violent ways. It is the action you see that makes it memorable, though. While nothing tops the long and exciting bike chase you see as the movie opens, it's still all exciting and you get to enjoy that, along with such women characters as one minor dame (minor role, I mean) who beds the two leads in quick order and a secretary girl who has a small role but she talks about being in a threeway with the two guys... and is even up for them bringing their friends over to participate! Yes, she pretty much asked to get gangbanged. As long as you don't get offended by such actions then you might very well enjoy this movie.

I'll be back Monday afternoon.

The Italian Connection

The Italian Connection (La Mala Ordina) (1972)

Runtime: 95 minutes

Directed by: Fernando Di Leo

Starring: Mario Adorf, Henry Silva, Woody Strode, Adolfo Celi, Luciana Paluzzi

From: Cineproduzioni Daunia 70

Yep, I have returned to the Italian crime genre of the poliziotteschi, where I had previously seen and talked about Caliber 9 and then Rulers of the City. This time the movie stars the psychotic tan Jay Leno of Caliber 9, Adorf. This time he's the lead. This won't be like the movie I reviewed earlier today (located just below this review), where longtime actor in Coen Brothers films Jon Polito referred to his manhood as “my commander” and pulled a Chuck Berry and pleasured himself while looking at security camera footage of a woman using the bathroom. There's also no attempted rape. Sure, here the hero is a low-level pimp, you see plenty of nudity, and some women get slapped around. But, I ended up loving this movie... no, not because of the women getting slapped around thing; rather, because it's so damn entertaining.

The plot is rather simple: a mob boss in New York sends two hitmen (Silva and Strode; because they're partnered as hitmen and one is Italian-looking and the other is African-American, Vincent and Jules comparisons have been made; it works but it's not a complete copy) to Milan to go after Adorf, who has been accused of ripping them off.

The movie is wildly great. You have quite a few funny moments. The hitmen are told to act like dumb Americans in order to get attention, and Silva is happy to do it as his character is rather loud and a party animal, where Stode is quiet and serious. There are plenty of situations and moments that are humorous, such as seeing the two in a nightclub and a tall woman wearing a curly blue wig starts flirting with Strode. It's never boring, that is for sure. It's also amusing that two people from Thunderball are in this, Celi and Paluzzi. No surprise that Adolfo plays another villain.

But it's also serious when it has to be and when Mario gets pushed too far he raises a lot of hell and it's great to watch. The highlight is a long car chase that turns into a foot chase and it's all exciting and well-done and intense. The action in general is high-quality, from seeing headbutts and bitch-slapping to shootouts and guns being used to knock out teeth. You even get to see what the hippie scene was like there in the early 70's. Oh yes, and some hilariously great clothing; one woman wears quite the outfit of black hooker boots, red hotpants, and a black top (obviously without bra) with a giant red rotary phone on the front of the shirt! I guess that was hip Milan fashion back then...

If you're familiar with this genre or even if you aren't, I really enjoyed this action/crime drama film, which can be found on Netflix Instant.

I'll be back Saturday afternoon.

29 Palms

29 Palms (2002)

Runtime: 93 minutes

Directed by: Leonardo Ricagni

Starring: Jeremy Davies, Rachael Leigh Cook, Chris O'Donnell, Michael Rapaport, Jon Polito

From: Alliance Atlantis Communications

Here's something I wasn't expecting to see but late last night I was channel-surfing and I looked ahead and noticed this film playing on The Movie Channel so I decided to check it out, as it's been on there somewhat regularly for the past few weeks and I might as well watch it to continue my Cook-a-thon.

Even though I heard some things in the IMDb user reviews that frightened me, such as this being quirky and odd and a poor attempt at being either Tarantino or Lynch, I was hoping this would be alright, given that besides the people I listed there's also the likes of Bill Pullman, Keith David, Michael Lerner, and Russell Means. Despite his name being in the credits, Carlos Mencia (yes) was cut from the film. That was fine by me, as from what little I've heard I've never found him funny, and given that the first thing you see on Google when you look him up is that he “steals jokes” (which I understand is true), I am glad his 15 minutes of fame ran out a long time ago.

As for the plot of this movie, it's rather simple: a random guy gets accused of being an undercover FBI agent by some people at a small-time Indian casino. That guy is carrying around a bunch of cash. It passes through the hands of various people, just about all of them rather unpleasant and they all happen to run into each other quite often despite the movie taking place in the California desert in the middle of nowhere.

As you can probably tell, I wasn't the biggest fan of the movie. Sure, there were some amusing/funny moments but overall I thought it was too weird for weird's sake, it was too off-putting with all the unpleasant characters doing unpleasant things, all the constant cursing... as of late, not the best of luck in my opinion of Rachael's movies. Of course she wasn't the problem with the films; as biased as it sounds she was the best parts of those movies that I rated poorly, so they weren't total losses. I understand that she was even involved with the production of this film. It was just not for me, although on IMDb there are definitely different opinions on whether or not this is good, so it is not just me. As least Ms. Cook was nice to look at and her character was the one that was the least detestable, so that was good.

In terms of things to mention, well, Keith David (a sheriff) smokes what he calls medicinal marijuana in one scene. And Pullman's character is not only rather strange, but he dresses, has his hair done, and even acts like... Crispin Glover! No kidding. I wouldn't be shocked if they tried to get Glover for the role but he turned it down so they just got someone else to be him.

The premise sure sounded cool and it was a nice cast, but I thought this was blah for the most part.

I'll be back late tonight with something I enjoyed quite a bit more than this.

One Man Force

One Man Force (1989)

Runtime: 86 minutes (that's how long my copy was; IMDb has the time wrong)

Directed by: Dale Trevellion

Starring: John Matuszak, Ronny Cox, Charles Napier, Richard Lynch (RIP)

From: Shapiro Glickenhaus Entertainment

I really have to thank the Bad Movie Fiends podcast for finding this obscure film and doing a detailed review of it. They said so many amazing things I just had to check it out. It took some effort (as it's not on any streaming video site) but after going through the bowls of the Internet I found a copy-I'll skip the details as to how I got it-and I watched this late 80's actioneer and I was blown away, as those guys left out many more amazing details.

To explain, the movie stars former NFL player turned after Matuszak; he was a giant of a man at 6 foot 8 and at least 300 pounds of muscle. He was usually the supporting role and was on TV often. He's best known for being heavily made-up as Sloth in The Gonnies. Sad to say he passed away the year this movie came out; he was a BIG party animal and I mean he did drugs along with boozing it up and those demons got to him. This was a rare starring role and this was quite the success, especially if you enjoy cheesy yet fun low-budget action movies from the 80's.

The plot isn't too complex: John plays JAKE SWAN, a cop who has Sam Jones (yes, Flash from the Flash Gordon movie) as a partner. Sam gets killed in an ambush and this makes Jake quite angry, so he seeks revenge against the bad guys, who have a standard plot for why they're doing evil things. Jake also interacts with Sam's wife and teenaged son. Also, a character played by 80's one hit wonder Stacey Q. (yes; as an actress she's a good singer) gets involved.

From that came solid gold. I should note first that I saw this movie on Monday, the night before Mr. Lynch's body was discovered in his home. RIP to the longtime actor who was the heavy in so many films; he had a unique look due to him apparently setting himself on fire in the late 60's while high on LSD. It was sad to hear he had died. He may be best known for being the big bad guy in the hilariously 80's Invasion U.S.A., where he did battle against Chuck Norris.

After I officially sign off I'll give my share of spoilers on why I thought this was an amazing movie but this was SO 80's. I mean, the music is cheesy yet awesome. Many people die. You hear some rather preposterous one-liners... which make them great. Adidas and Pepsi paid money to appear in the movie so you see their products shown often. A giant man wearing a dark blue tracksuit where the top is zipped down to the belly button? Why not! That same man drinking out of a 2 liter bottle of Slice as if it was a 20 ounce bottle? Sure! You see several stunt people do some crazy things. And there's a 5 minute gay bar scene... my God. It had to be the most astounding 5 minute scene I've ever watched; at least 10 things left me gobsmacked.

If you love low-budget 80's action, this is a MUST SEE. It's just a damn shame that this will be incredibly hard to track down unless you order it from Amazon. Where else will you see Charles Napier get punched in the cock and then get called a “fuckwad”? Only this film has Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds play an Asian stock broker, as only Asians are smart enough to hack and look for confidential information on a computer in the 80's. In what other movie can you see a huge man use his size and strength to his (and the movie's) advantage, doing such things as taking a guy who is chained to a dog collar around his neck, spin him and the guy around in a circle so that the small man is horozontal, then use him while spinning around as a weapon to knock away attacking cross-dressers? Yes, that happens in this majestic film.

I'll be back tomorrow afternoon with one review... and then tomorrow night with another review. Yes. Below be some spoilers.

He gets suspended from the force for being a loose cannon and wanting revenge. He decides to become a private detective and gets hired by a guy claiming to work for Leah Jennings, played by Stacey Q., who gets kidnapped. I won't get into the whole plot of what the bad guys do as it's rather standard but yet it's acceptable. Point is, he ends up at a place known as Blue Leather Bar which yes is a gay bar and OH. MY. GOD., this scene...

* You see what may be some of the greatest few minutes I've seen in my history of seeing movies. This gay bar is like the ones in Cruising combined with an 80's nightclub. Awful 80's music gets played as a band led by a chick in leather with a whip fake play along to the song. There's a guy dancing along in a giant birdcage and he's only in black briefs. The way the customers dress is varied and ranges from outright cross-dressing to leather to just some strange outfits. Of course, Jake gets hit on but he brushes him aside without using any homophobic slurs, which is good. The bartender is a black midget who looks like Rick James, jheri curl wig and all.

* Oh, and another black guy is leading around via dogchain tied to the neck a 5 foot tall white guy WHO IS WEARING A SAFARI OUTFIT, COMPLETE WITH HAT.

* Anyhow, one of the bad guys (who looks like a cross between Freddie Mercury and 80's era Edward James Olmos) spots Jake so he gets some goons to go after him. What does the lead good say? Why, "Are you boys up for a little GANGBANG?" Then, the guy leading safari dude around on a chain loudly proclaims, "It's Friday night, let's PAR-TAY!" and that's when my mind got blown.

* A cross-dresser tries to literally flying dropkick Jake, but misses. Then, he literally gets dogpiled on and is flat on the ground. Suddenly he Hulks up and shakes everyone off. Black guy gets kicked in the dick so thus Jake gets hold of the chain that is around safari guy's neck and well...

* Jake starts spinning around, which lifts up safari guy in the air and he is used as a weapon to knock everyone away (including bouncing off the walls in a crazy way) as if Jake was doing the hammer toss as the Olympics. YES. Safari guy gets tossed to the top of the birdcage, where he gets whipped by that faux singer.

* Charles Napier and big bald Jim Henry from Hard Times help Jake out... they go outside; however, a tranny is on top of Jake, her body sitting on his shoulders. As he goes outside, the doorway is too short, so the tranny crashes HARD onto the ground!

* Once they get outside they attack him as they want to kick his ass themselves. That's when the cockpunching occurs and...

* That has to be the greatest 5 minutes I've ever seen in cinematic history. It was so strange and so monkeyshit insane it became awesome.

* What follows can't possibly top that scene but it's still tremendous. Characters try to peep into a keyhole to see a pair of characters have loud sex! Jake romances the girl of another baddie; the actress's name according to the credits is BLUEBERRY. That's not the character name; that is what the actress said her name was. She has a fake French accent. He seduces her by saying that his dick is proportionate to the rest of his body!

Haywire

Haywire (2011)

80% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 167 reviews)

Runtime: 93 minutes

Directed by: Stephen Soderbergh

Starring: Gina Carano, Michael Fassbender, Ewen McGregor, Antonio Banderas, Michael Douglas

From: Relativity Media

Here is a movie that I have heard a lot of mixed reviews on, from hatred to strong praise. I know that I am definitely not a Soderbergh fan but I was curious as to what I would think about it... plus I understand there's a scene where Ms. Carano's character talks to her movie dad (Bill Paxton!) and hey, that's enough for me to watch this on Father's Day; appropriate as why not watch a manly kick-ass action movie on this sort of day?

It turns out, maybe I should be more of a fan of Soderbergh. I'll ignore his mainstream dreck (i.e. those terrible masturbatory Oceans films) and instead I should at least give him praise for taking some rather bold chances, even if they don't always work. Doing a movie centered around some random porn star who has done films like Butt Sex Bonanza and Flower's Squirt Shower 5 sounds about comparable to building a movie around an attractive MMA fighter (who doesn't fight anymore) and surrounding her with A-list talent.

The story is rather simplistic and if you can get by that... here's the plot, straight from the IMDb: “A black ops super soldier seeks payback after she is betrayed and set up during a mission.” That's pretty much it. If you want or expect more, then you might be disappointed; otherwise...

I wasn't sure what I was going to get here given the reviews. It turns out, I enjoyed this quite a bit. The star acted about as well as you'd expect from a newcomer with zero acting experience in the past, but she wasn't a liability. The other people are all fine in their roles, none of which are too extensive. I was and am surprised they were able to get so many famous faces for this story, but it was cool that they did. Even Tanning Chatum... er, I mean Channing Tatum was acceptable.

What I dug most was how this movie was filmed. Even though it's basically a Steven Seagal film from back in his skinny days (a simple plot but there's various intrigue involving a shady government, double-crosses, and what have you), it's filmed rather nicely. You know, high-quality filmmaking, long takes, no rapid camera changes, no relentless pace, etc. Gina is great fighting what is basically an MMA style applied to the movie world. It's pretty brutal... but in a good way. The fact that she is doing action stuff and she isn't anorexic (::coughcoughAngeliaJoliecoughcough::) is a big bonus too.

And best of all the action is NOT filmed in the way that unfortunately too many movies are filmed these days. You know, the shaky-cam/quick edit crap that I've complained about in the past; for the most part I don't like it when a movie does such a thing. Thankfully this movie films everything clearly so you see exactly what happens in the fights that Gina gets in. There's one impressive fight sequence where she and the guy get into a brawl that damages a lot of stuff... and from what I hear it's all them and no stunt doubles. Pretty impressive.

Also impressive was the groovy and great jazzy score. Others have said it doesn't fit with the movie; I thought differently. As long as you know going in what sort of movie this is, you might enjoy it... or you might not. I am glad I saw it and in fact, in hindsight maybe I should have seen it on the big screen. I don't get some of the complaints that I heard, such as one guy shutting it off about a half hour in because he thought it was “boring”; I highly disagree.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

Raising Arizona

Raising Arizona (1987)

Runtime: 94 minutes

Directed by: Joel & Ethan Coen

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Holly Hunter, John Goodman, William Forsythe

From: 20^th Century Fox

Here's a famous movie that believe it or not I only saw in full just a few days ago; before that I had only seen a few minutes of it way back when (i.e. I was a kid then) and my movie tastes now are quite different from how they were back then; plus, someone on a forum said that I should see it given that I was talking about the Coen Brothers and how-and to many people online this is total blasphemy-I am not really a fan of them at all. Sorry, but all their strangeness and quirkiness just isn't for me. At least from what I've seen I haven't quite understood why so many people go bananas for it.

Most perplexing to me is one movie in particular. I have seen The Big Lebowski once at a pal's place in college and boy did I NOT enjoy it at all. All the constant cursing, the non-plot, how bizarre it was... I have zero comprehension why there's such a big cult for the movie. It is on Netflix Instant, though, so maybe I should try to watch it again and thus deliver a major review of why I think the film is awful...

But let's get onto reviewing this movie. I'm sure most of you know the plot already, but I'll be brief: a repeat ex-con and his ex-cop wife decide to steal one baby out of 5 quintuplets as they are not able to conceive children on their own. A bunch of wacky things happen as they try to hold on to the baby.

I'll admit something right away: this is definitely more enjoyable than The Big Lebowski to me. I mean, there are some pretty funny lines, the music is (mostly) good, it's certainly filmed nicely-by future famous director Barry Sonnefeld-and the performances are all good. I mean, it's certainly a unique role for former boxer turned after Tex Cobb, that's for sure.

YET, all the weirdness and quirkiness was just a turn-off for me. I'm sorry, but despite what I said above, the fact that this is so beloved and I've seen multiple people say that this this is one of the funniest comedies of all time; I can't get on that train, sad to say. Like I said, I guess those guys just aren't for me, no matter how unpopular of an opinion it is. I mean, does a full 5 minutes of the movie-at least-need to be spent on various characters screaming loudly and for a long amount of time? I say no. And then there's characters just being off-putting to me. Those are but a few reasons why I still haven't really changed my opinions on the Brothers Coen, despite the praise I have given.

However, I do have to say that the setpiece of Nic Cage trying to rob a convenience store for some Huggies diapers and it resulting in a big chase involving the cops and dogs and going through several different places was quite memorable and well-done.

I'll be back Sunday night.

Something Recommended To Me On Netflix Instant: Revolt

Revolt (1985 or 1986); believe it or not, this movie is so obscure it is not on IMDb! No kidding.

Runtime: a lean 72 minutes

Directed by: J. Shaybany

“Starring”: Rand Martin, Fattaneh, Sepehrnia

From: Intercontinental Releasing Corporation

Here is something truly amazing: a movie available on Netflix Instant Streaming and yet it's not on IMDb. I can't believe such a thing is even possible. Only a few sites have talked about it and that's it. From what I can gather, this was made by Iranian Americans who wanted to show that their people aren't the type that are to be feared due to the whole Iran Hostage Crisis thing and in fact are just like you and me and they hate drugs too. It looked to be set in '79 or '80 as the aforementioned Crisis is actually shown on TV and they talk about Carter as being President. Judging by the fashions and cars, it looked to be filmed in the early 80's... and for rather cheap, given that I am pretty sure all of the audio was added in afterwards, from dialogue to gunfire to other sounds.

The plot... after a few minutes where you hear a narrator who pronounces his Sh's like Sch tell us that drugs are bad as you see random scenes of drug deals being made in such places as the most ghetto nightclub you'll ever see, you finally get to the main story. It revolves around the white Steve and his Iranian wife (Fattaneh, a woman who I understand was a legit popular Persian singer) who run a Persian restaurant in a nameless California town. His brother decides to become a driver for a drug dealer as the old one (Curtis) got fired and almost killed for being terrible. It turns out that the brother also isn't a good driver and he does get killed. Those two guys are no Ryan Gosling as the Driver, the romancer of Carey Mulligan and doing battle against Albert Brooks. Both guys don't deserve any sort of scorpion jacket! Steve gets mad at the drug dealer (a big guy in town; he practically runs it in some aspects) and he gets revenge.

I'll get to the highlights in a bit but this is some incredibly amateurish filmmaking. I mean, at one time you see a giant bug on the camera lens for a few seconds! It's edited in a rather haphazard manner and the musical score is all over the place. A few times it's total 80's synth and at other times it's as of it's from a 70's cop show. Yet, it mostly is a standard explotation faire movie, so it is not a painful 72 minutes. You'll be able to watch it and usually laugh at it's crappiness. I mean, there are credits including:

Still Photography: D. Victory

Screenplay: Shield

Assistant Cameraman: B / Boatman

This is all true.

Here are some highlights:

• The villain, Macintosh... oh man. He looks Iranian and yet he resembles a chubby Saddam Hussein and he proclaims himself to be anti-Iranian a few times throughout. The way he acts is over the top and his clothing is usually the goofy kind of clothes you'd see a bad country singer from the 70's wear. I heard him compared to Yosemite Sam and I'll go with that. A cowboy Yosemite Sam Saddam really is as great as it sounds.
• The hero... think 8^th grade science teacher, brunette middle-aged and sporting a giant mustache. In fact, most of the males you see here have big mustaches, which makes it hilarious in 2012.
• Steve's son and the villain's son are in the same grade and of course they are pals. The villain's wife is a cute blonde who is a teacher and yet right on school grounds she'll tell the two kids not to hang out with each other.
• Curtis's g/f is a rather hot blonde (at least in the early 80's way) who unfortunately ends up getting raped. It could have been worse but I still did not really need to see it.
• A few minutes are spent talking about the Iran Hostage Crisis and a big speech is given about how Iranian-Americans are still Americans so they shouldn't be afraid and they should act the same as everyone else, and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, the son gets called a half-breed and an “Iranian pig” and he ends up in a bad accident.
• There is a sheriff who looks like a miss between Tom Atkins and modern Kris Kristofferson who talks with a deep voice.

There is more but I don't want to spoil too much here. I just can't believe something like this is on Netflix Instant. It's terrible but it's a funny-terrible.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

Prometheus

Prometheus (2012)

73% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 231 reviews)

Runtime: 124 minutes

Directed by: Ridley Scott

Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Logan Marshall Green, Idris Elba, Charlize Theron

From: 20^th Century Fox

Oh, this movie... as I've said before when talking about Aliens, that movie and the original Alien are pretty awesome works of filmmaking. It's been a long time since I've seen Alien 3 but the producer's cut they have on there is far better than the theatrical version, but of course it would have been best if they let a guy who proved to be a highly renowned director in hindsight do his own thing instead of the studio interfering. It's been even longer since I've seen Alien Resurrection but the one time I saw it, I wasn't really a fan, despite some cool moments.

Of course, in my universe those AvP films never happened.

I remember when this project was first announced there was a general negative reaction; amongst the complaints I heard was that “Who cared how that space jockey ended up in the giant chair you see in Alien”? It turns out, this movie doesn't actually answer that question as it takes place on a nearby planet but not THE planet where Alien and Aliens take place!

I don't know when but suddenly people got real excited for the movie. Maybe it was the teaser trailers. Unlike most people, though, those trailers did nothing for me at all. Then, the movie came out, first elsewhere and then here in North America. I heard some rather mixed reviews; turns out, on a forum I looked at a massive thread after the fact and the mood was generally negative towards the film. I was surprised as before I had heard some rather positive reviews, and not just from Roger Ebert.

I am not sure what to say about the plot as it not being known was a big drawing card for the pre-release advertising. I'll just go with what was said on IMDb: “A team of explorers discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a journey to the darkest corners of the Universe. There, they must fight a terrifying battle to save the future of the human race.” That's pretty accurate.

I'll talk about the positives first: The idea of the story is real interesting and rather ballsy for a big studio film. The visuals, sets, and what have you look really great. I mean, it's a pretty sweet universe. Most of the performances are at least fine.

However, the script... it's not that great. I don't know if the movie got cut to hell but too often things just don't make a whole lot of sense. Characters act one way in a scene and then in the very next scene they do a 180 for no reason at all. Big to extremely big moments happen and most if not all of the other characters really react to it at all. There's a shocking reveal and I have no clue why it was even done as if done in a different way it would have been a lot better and made much more sense. It's things like that which really hurt the movie. There are many examples I won't list but they are there.

But at least Idris Elba (the best and coolest character in the film) gets a booty call from Charlize Theron! I have no idea why it happened as it came totally out of left field, but good for him. I have no idea why STEPHEN STILLS gets referenced; yes, I am not BS'ing here. I guess that in the late 21^st century Crosby, Stills, & Nash (and sometimes Young) are suddenly highly revered. I at least laughed at that sort of unexpected left turns.

In terms of how this is related to the Alien movie and its universe... the best I can say while being vague is that it is in the same universe but it's not really a prequel. Some things are explained but a lot is not.

As you might expect the people who (fairly or not) expected this return to the sci-fi genre by Scott to be as great as Alien or Blade Runner (two of the best all-time films in said genre) are devastated by how it turned out. Me, I am still disappointed by it as the script really is not that good; it's not a massive disappointment though as I never had great expectations for it and at least the visuals and sound were great and they tried to be pretty deep.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

Blonde Ambition

Blonde Ambition (2007)

Runtime: 93 minutes

Directed by: Scott Marshall (the son of Garry, believe it or not)

Starring: Jessica Simpson (unfortunately), Luke Wilson, Andy Dick (really unfortunately), Penelope Ann Miller, Rachael Leigh Cook

From: Millennium Films

Yes, I watched a romantic comedy. I've covered many genres while I've been doing this; that particular genre, though... no. Those just aren't for me, to be honest. However, I managed to find this (nevermind how) and I was curious to watch what I heard was a really bad movie, released only in 8 theatres in Texas and grossing a TOTAL of 1,132 dollars; that is mind-boggingly awful. It did much better overseas, as least comparatively speaking. I laugh that it's from the company that later gave us such movies as The Expendables and Conan the Barbarian. I chuckle that this was a vanity production for Jessica and her incredibly creepy dad, who helped produce the damn thing.

As you can tell already, I am not a fan of either Simpson nor Andy Dick, and they didn't do anything here to make me think any better of them. In fact, they pissed me off! I mean, Jesus H., this film... while there are some lines that were amusing, overal this is a slog.

The plot: a country bumpkin girl ends up in New York, lives with her cousin (Cook), and through some wacky circumstances ends up being used by her co-workers at her new job, and she also romances Ben (a dissheveled Wilson, but would you want to look your best for this sort of movie?)

Where do I start... the story is rather terrible. It utterly fails in being funny and romantic. And you'd think that the makeup department would want to make their big star look fantastic. Well... she usually has on way too much makeup, as if she's playing a circus clown. Thankfully the rest of the ladies weren't painted so harshly so they looked better. I'd always take Ms. Cook 10 out of 10 times just based on looks alone, and her worked or real persona alone is enough to make me avoid Ms. Simpson at all costs. Besides, I'd have to fight off her fighter for the love of his daughter... and oh yes, this is one of those movies where characters lie for no real good reason and bad things happen because they are unwilling to say the simplest things to each other.

I hope that all the people who had to appear in this dreck at least were paid well. Besides Rachael and the other people I listed above there's Willie Nelson (!), Larry Miller, Penny Marshall (not exactly a surprise given that the director is her nephew) and not that I have ever liked him, but Ryan Dunn has a brief appearance. I never thought he was funny or amusing and it goes with the rest of the Jackass guys. The fact that he killed himself and unfortunately killed his pal while drunk driving in his fancy car did not make me suddenly like him, let me put it that way. So of course a bunch of people were saddened that he passed away and seemingly did not care at all about the passenger and I rightly said that he was an ass who killed an innocent person due to his actions, and boy did some people get pissed at me; figures. I still stand by what I said, though.

Anyhow, I say that you REALLY should avoid this unless you're a Rachael Leigh Cook completist, you want to see a really unsubtle and stupid film, you enjoy the lead character complusively brushing their teeth (?!), you enjoy goofy and lame slapstick, lame office politics are your thing, or you want to see some guys playing priests from Norway singing Baby Got Back and getting wasted at karaoke.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

The Naked Man

The Naked Man (1998)

Runtime: 98 minutes

Directed by: J. Todd Anderson

Starring: Michael Rappaport, Michael Jeter, John Carroll Lynch, Rachael Leigh Cook

From: October Films

Here is a movie that I know I saw like two minutes of on TV in what had to be '99, but never checked out and watched in full until tonight. What was an inpetus was that I was fooling around on YouTube and stumbled across a clip that had some brief scenes from the movie, and I saw that a barely 18 year old Ms. Cook was dressed like a biker chick from the 80's, with giant hair, a leather top, ripped fishnets... well, it shot up... I mean, the movie shot up to the top of the queue on Netflix.

I'll admit that what I've seen from The Coen Brothers, I am not a big fan. Too strange and off-putting for me. I HATE The Big Lebowski and I have zero comprehension as to why so many people around my age think it's one of the greatest films ever made. Maybe I've seen the wrong stuff, though, and thus sometime soon I'll try to watch at least one or two of their movies so that I can talk about it on here and possibly piss people off if I don't like them. How does that relate to this movie? Well, it was co-written by Ethan Coen and director Anderson, who has been a long time storyboard artist for the brothers.

The plot on IMDb sounds rather simplistic: “A man takes matters into his own hands when a pharmaceutical kingpin moves into his town to cause some real trouble.”

What the plot should actually read is, “I watch a movie about how a chiropractor and part time indy pro wrestler with pregnant girlfriend in tow reunite with their parents, who run a drugstore/soda shop in a small town. You get to see how he trained to defend himself from bullies as a teenager and he clashed with his father as he did not want his son to be a chiropractor. They do reunite, though, and soon thereafter a guy with spina bifida and a fat guy who dresses and acts like Elvis kills the parents and seriously hurt the girlfriend due to the store not having a handicapped ramp. Then, the movie dives in a surrealistic, absuridst, and incredibly off-putting mess as Mr. Chiropractor snaps and he starts killing people as he meets up with biker babe Cook and they eventually get around to getting revenge on the crippled guy and the fat guy as you see strange characters such as an indy promoter from seemingly the 30's and gumshoe detectives from seemingly the 40's... and it's just not for me.”

I swear, what I just wrote above is entirely accurate. The movie was just too weird and strange for my tastes, but the biggest thing is that it was so off-putting. That sort of thing will make me not like a film rather quickly. Truth be told, Cook kept me watching the movie; otherwise I would have turned it off in disgust. Besides being rather easy on the eyes, her character was rather normal, at least in comparison to the others.

At least there were some humorous moments and stuff I laughed at, such as Rachael having “Love” tattooed on the top of one boob and “Hate” tattooed on the top of the other boob. That is a nice take on The Night Of The Hunter gag... and speaking of that, there's another movie I saw and thought was overrated, despite Robert Michum and Lillian Gish both being pretty awesome in it.

I'll be back Sunday night with a new review.

Get Carter (The Remake, Unfortunately)

Get Carter (2000)

Runtime: 103 minutes

Directed by: Stephen Kay

Starring: Sly Stallone, Miranda Richardson, Rachael Leigh Cook, Alan Cumming

From: Franchise Pictures

I figured I should dive into one of the DVD's I purchased during the weekend from the tremendous new and used DVD store known as MovieStop. I've been there a few times and it's an awesome place to find DVD's and Blu-Rays on the cheap. One of the ones I got was this film, as it is not available at my local Blockbuster and it's a movie I've known for a long time is said to be not good by many, but I hadn't seen it... nor have I seen the original, shame to say. I know that is on YouTube (I know, I know...) so someday soon I need to watch it. I know that my review of this will help out the remake in that I can't compare it to the original, which many say is pretty damn awesome and I am sure it is.

The plot... Sly is Jack Carter, a big dude who works in Las Vegas for the casinos... in that he kicks ass if you don't pay up. His brother dies from a car crash but it's suspicious so he believes that his bro was actually murdered. He goes around to find out who was behind it and why.

After having watched this movie tonight, the first thing that comes to mind is... man did they ever try hard for this to be “cool”. You know, odd camera tricks, editing, the works. Much of it is distracting and doesn't seem worth the effort. Then, the musical score is fine on its own but I don't know if it works in the movie. I howled with laughter when I saw that Jellybean Benitez collaborated on that score. He was a big DJ... in the 80's and I don't know if he's really done anything since the 80's. Now, I do think he's cool; his version of the 70's song The Mexican is pretty awesome. I was just not expecting to see him have anything to do with this movie.

One thing I do know about the original is that Jack Carter in that was one ruthless SOB, not really any better than the people he went after. Here, he's a tough guy but he ends up being more of a normal dude who has a soft side. No wonder why various people dislike this movie in comparison to the original. That sounds like a major change. Oh, and here there's a main story about Jack finding out what really happened with his brother, and then there's a side story about Jack's boss in Vegas really wanting him to return back to his job, and a girl the both of them like (Gretchen Mol) and that is just a distraction more than anything else.

At least there are things to praise. There are familiar faces in the cast, like Mickey Rourke, Alan Cumming, John C. McGinley, Mark Boone Junior, and the original Carter himself, Michael Caine. There's nice acting all around. It sounds biased but I genuinely enjoyed Cook's performance. There are some sad moments with her and she did a nice job. Oh, and she was smoking hot too... even when she was smoking cigarettes. It's set in Seattle so of course there's not a lot of sunshine and a whole lot of rain. And there are some funny moments. So, I'll say that this was fine but I imagine the original is so much better.


This was half of a European film, in that you see a lot of smoking taking place. The other part, that there be a lot of nudity, was not present. I would not have minded that... just to follow that rule, not because the cast included ladies like Cook, Mol, and Rhona Mitra!

And I imagine the original doesn't have dialogue such as, “Like cat piss in the snow”.

I'll be back Thursday night.

Shrooms

Shrooms (2007)

Runtime: 84 minutes

Directed by: Paddy Breathnach

Starring: Lindsey Haun, Jack Huston, Max Kasch, Alice Greczyn

From: Capitol Films, amongst many different companies

Yep, I am tying in tonight's review to what I talked about last night. Plus, this is a movie about American kids in Ireland finding wild shrooms and then taking them, so that is humorous. Then, on the discussion page for the film on IMDb there is a huge kerfuffle about how Ms. Greczyn wears a tank top in one scene and obviously, she was “European” at the time and she didn't believe in shaving her armpits at the time. Now, I've looked at enough of her photos (um, I mean...) to know that she has been doing that in recent years; maybe it was just a phase... now, that sort of thing isn't for me but that is a lady's choice to do such a thing. I know from her linked to blog yesterday that she is the GIRL POWER type which is cool and all, but she isn't the extreme type who seem to hate all men and act like they are militant about it. Boy could I rant about some of those dames, but that is far from what I am supposed to talk about here.

Anyhow, like I said, this is about a group of kids who vacation in Ireland and a big reason they are there is to have some magic mushrooms growing wild in a field. They take some then they hear a wild story about some spooky stuff happening in those woods. The shrooms start to take effect and they see some weird things, but is it the psilocybin mushrooms or is the weird stuff actually happening to them?

I'll note that this production, half Danish and half Irish, was actually filmed in Ireland. The different from the norm story and the unique for me setting did pique my interest.

As for the actual movie... I should mention first that it is not a movie about gore. It's not violent at all. Rather, it's about being freaky and creeping you out. I'll say that the movie was certainly better in idea than in execution but it was still fine as something out of the norm. The second half is rather trippy and it's quite hard to figure out what's real and what's is the result of the shrooms taking effect. As a weird sort of dream thing I say it's fine.

Unfortunately, there's an ending which takes a turn that made me groan out loud. No spoilers, but it's an ending that's been used too often in recent years and it isn't really that clever anymore. But hey, in this kind of movie you can argue that the ending we saw was just another trip and that was not what actually happened. Thus, I can't get too mad at it.

In terms of things I liked, the Irish setting was used well. A lot of forest, some of which looked unique. There was also a scene which took place in a marsh and there were tall reeds. That looked cool. The acting was fine, and very important to me, none of the characters annoyed me or pissed me off to the point that I turned against the film. Yes, I even was fine with a lout who was only known as Bluto. So, if this sort of thing that is like Total Recall in that you aren't exactly sure what's going on and things aren't wrapped in a nice bow at the end, then you might as well check this out on Netflix Instant Streaming.

Oh, and you also get to see a TALKING COW. That was as great as it sounds.

I'll be back on Tuesday night.