Hatchet

Hatchet (2006)

Runtime: 84 minutes

Directed by: Adam Green

Starring: Joel Moore, Tamara Feldman, Deon Richmond, Kane Hodder

From: Ariescope Pictures

Here is another horror movie, but one that is vastly different from the last one I talked about. This one concerns a slasher movie released in 2007 that got quite a bit of hype behind it because at the time it stood out (and heck, still now) because it wasn’t a remake, a sequel, or an adaptation of an Asian property in the horror genre. I knew the basic plot and that this divided people, who either loved it or thought it was overrated. Well, I’ve come to realize there is also a large segment that hated the film. What did I think of it? I’ll get to that a little later.

This movie is about a hulking deformed human with obvious super-strength-as you would see from the kills that it does-named Victor Crowley (played by genre favorite Hodder, a former Jason himself) who lives in the swamps outside of New Orleans. Some youngsters who are there for Mardi Gras (Moore and Richmond; it was funny to catch this on cable late Friday night, notice Moore and then wonder where I had seen him; suddenly it hit me that he was Jake Sully’s buddy Norm in Avatar) end up going on a haunted swamp boat ride with caricatures; trust me, that’s the best way to describe those characters. Things go wrong and they end up meeting Crowley.

This tried to be an old-school slasher movie; that was a big part of its advertising, as a matter of fact. However, I don’t really remember any of them being a comedy like this was. That’s right, this was a horror-comedy like it was Shaun of the Dead or something instead of how it was actually billed. Way too much comedy for my tastes, but I wouldn’t have complained too much if it was humorous most of the time. Well, sorry to say, some of it was chuckle-worthy but the rest of it was groan-inducing painful. Nothing’s worse than an unfunny comedy, I’ve heard from other websites, and it’s the truth. I know that this was a parody and satire of those old films at times, but it didn’t work. And Lord, some of the characters are just fingernails on a blackboard awful. They’re so bad you don’t even want to see old Victor kill them off; you just wish they would’ve died within the first two minutes of meeting them, via them falling off the boat or something. As much of the first half of the movie is spent with the characters being allegedly funny and interacting with each other, that’s a problem! About the only highlight was the gore and kills. It is a REALLY graphic and violent film. The kills aren’t realistic, sure, but they are memorable due to how gory they are. Gallons of fake blood flies around, and it was impressive. If only the story wouldn’t have pissed me off by the time we got to see Victor Crowley take out most of the main cast. And the ending… the movie stops rather than ends. There is a big difference.

So, overall this still was a disappointment to me, despite lowered expectations. There will be a sequel to this movie that’s coming out in about a month’s time. AMC’s theatres in “the top 20 markets” will be showing the movie unrated; apparently that is the widest release an unrated movie will get in about 25 years. Don’t ask me what the last one was… if I had to guess it would have to be Romero’s Day of the Dead; just a guess, though. I think I’ll actually go see it in the hopes that I’ll enjoy it more than this one. Then again, the main thing I know about the sequel is that it will have much more blood and gore than the first one. That’s rather eye-opening considering how much carnage was in this movie. I really hope it’s not all just having gallons of blood and the most disgusting kills; the story should be better and please cut down on the humor, I say. I mean, if you want a movie with a LOT of viscera and gore and yet is pretty funny too in a real twisted way, Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive is the way to go. I don’t know if Hatchet II can be quite like that film.

At least I have a feeling that it’d be better in front of a crowd and Danielle Harris will be the star of this. Speaking of ladies I find to be rather attractive… but she’s also a god actress who’s more than familiar with the genre, so I’m sure she will deliver a performance that I’ll enjoy. If I’m able to see it on the big screen, I will and hopefully the review is more positive for that than it is for this movie.

I’ll be back Wednesday night with something new.