47 Meters Down: Uncaged

47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Directed by: Johannes Roberts

Starring: Sophie Nelisse, Corinne Foxx, Brianne Tju, Sistine Stallone, John Corbett

From: Entertainment Studios Motion Pictures

Well, the National Geographic Channel is still showing shark programming… in the past, I’ve ranted & raved about my distaste of the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week. Besides my disgust in how awful that channel (like most cable channels) have become in the past decade or so, Shark Week specifically grinds my gears. Not only is it straight-up fiction too often when the shows are alleged to be all legit, the set purpose of all those programs appears to be “let’s make everyone petrified of sharks as a whole when many of them are endangered”… I could go on yet I won’t.

Perhaps I’m part of the problem in that my share of aquatic horror have included those specific fish—despite my ambivalence towards the original 47 Meters Down, this sequel was on Netflix & the probability was high that this would be campy schlock… which it was. After a first 15 minutes which were dreadful to me as it featured bitchy teen girl drama then bitchy teen sister drama, the tenor improves as a quartet of teen girls sneak off to dive in a Mayan city that was flooded long ago. Sharks appear, as improbable as portrayed here. Then again, to be perfectly frank—this movie is stump-dumb… I mean, really stupid. If you loved it when a great white roared in Jaws: The Revenge-a fish literally screams!

If you can ignore all the illogic in the film and are able to laugh with the CG that is best described as FLOUNDERING, then at times there are solid laughs and even some fun to be had w/ this utter claptrap as the ladies swim through some claustrophobic settings. Plus, both John Corbett and Nia Long receive easy paychecks. There are a few songs from the past that thankfully weren’t the same ones that are incredibly played out due to being used in WAY too many pictures, and the absurdity of TWO progeny who have huge stars as fathers: Corinne Foxx and Sistine Stallone.

I’ve thankfully avoided the vast majority of the bad modern shark pictures, but I know of their existence. At least 47 Meters Down: Uncaged provided enough entertainment where I did not hate a movie that is a short time investment at less than 90 minutes. Plus, I’ll give it props for not only the unexpected inclusion of a few old songs, but ones that aren’t played out. After all, one was from Aztec Camera!