Dracula 3000

Dracula 3000 (2004)

Runtime: 86 interminable minutes

Directed by: Darrell Roodt

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio (RIP), Alexandra Kemp, Grant Swansby

From: Various companies that I hope were embarrassed they released such sludge

RIP Coolio. I realize this isn’t the most respectful way to pay tribute to someone-noting an infamously terrible motion picture they had a prominent role in. However, hopefully he was able to laugh at some of the ludicrous things they had him say and do (hopefully not some of the extreme sexist material… more on that later); no matter his acting skills, he had some popular rap songs in the 90’s. The memories of how popular Gangsta’s Paradise was for a bit in ’95 have only barely faded from my memory banks. Most of the movies he acted in were of poor quality (at least as far as I reckon) but this may be the worst one-I’d rather not experience ones even more terrible than this.

It's the standard Bram Stoker tale transposed to the year 3000 on a spaceship; the names are familiar-Van Helsing, Demeter, Mina, Carpathian, etc.-yet what this movie does is rather putrid. A crew of a salvage ship (little was changed to mask another huge inspiration) stumbles upon a ship that was full of vampire corpses; Dracula is accidentally awaked and… not a lot of havoc occurs. Drac is hardly ever shown until the final minutes, which is probably for the best as he comes off as such an assclown! He does have a meme-worthy reaction to a major injury, but that only reinforces how pitiful the character was.

The God-awful script, the putrid plot, the performances in general, the befuddling ending… if that wasn’t enough demerits, the bad is only buttressed by a few things we can all agree are bad: racism and sexism. The crew of the ship is only a half-dozen and two are women. I don’t even want to repeat the demeaning comments and mansplaining directed their way, let alone the incredibly vulgar dialogue they are subjected to that’s directed their way. I don’t want to read too much into this, but it doesn’t smell great that Tiny Lister, Jr.’s character is described as “all brawn, no brains” or that Coolio’s character is named “187” & he’s addicted to weed.

It's those ugly elements which make it feel warranted to give this the lowest-possible rating. That is rarely handed out by me but it felt right on this occasion. Not even Coolio’s bizarre performance once he’s a vampire (sorry for the spoiler) or seeing Udo Kier on screen for a small amount of time delivering exposition dumps while sitting down could salve the wounds that was the rest of the film. Somehow, the director of this (South African Darrell Roodt) also had the same role in a few highly-regarded pictures-including Yesterday from the same year, which received a Best Foreign Film Oscar nomination!-but after 3000 went on to do a bunch of pictures I’ve never heard of, along w/ the presumably awful Lake Placid: Legacy. I’ll blame his career going down the toilet on the disaster Dracula 3000 was.

I Have Returned

I did in fact state “Marked safe from Hurricane Ian” on Facebook…

For hours now I’ve been safe as this monster of a storm-scarier than any of the movies I’ll watch during Spooky Season-retreated from this area where lamentably it will move on to South Carolina. The damage it did to some areas of Florida (especially around Fort Myers) is almost incalculable, but if you haven’t seen the footage, it is quite sobering. Even in Orlando & the area, objects such as trees were knocked down and streets flooded. Once again fortune favored me and because I live in the middle of the state on top of a hill, there was no damage to speak of. The power never went off, which was my biggest fear.

The movie I saw earlier today was a revisit of Burning Bright, something I reviewed back in 2010; it's something I still like currently.

Because of Hurricane Ian

I won't be doing any reviews for the next few days; read why below: 

So yeah, I am saying “peace out” for the next few days. While the chaos that began for me on Sunday has started to die down, there’s been my preparing for Hurricane Ian and hoping the path continues to change where it won’t pass right over where I live on Thursday. It’s only extreme fortune that there’s only been minor problems whenever a hurricane has passed over my city, and I’ve been down here for many a moon.

Hopefully power won't be lost at all-let alone an extended period of time-but fingers crossed I’ll get back to reviews sooner rather than later.

Shoulder Arms

Shoulder Arms (1918)

Runtime: 38 minutes

Directed by: Charlie Chaplin

Starring: Chaplin, Edna Purviance, Sydney Chaplin, Loyal Underwood, Henry Bergman

From: Charles Chaplin Productions

“The password… it’s wet”. An actual intertitle, and no comment on the password.

Boy, things have not been so hot for me since early yesterday afternoon; don’t worry it’s not as horrid as this past May-rather, it’s many minor things piling up. The fact that Hurricane Ian may very well pass over where I live in a few days is naturally weighing on my mind. Thus, perhaps as soon as tomorrow I’ll make a post noting that I’ll peace out until I know normalcy has returned.

While not my favorite silent by any means or even the highest-rated Chaplin short I’ve experienced, at least this was amusing and was pretty good overall. In this 38 minute short, the setting is World War I and despite how brutal the Great War was-part of this was set in the trenches-comedy was still able to be mined from such a scenario. Chaplin’s regiment might as well be known as F Troop, they are such a bumbling band of misfits. Various gags occur, which include needing to use a gas mask once a shipment of Limburger cheese arrived. Then, a heroic mission occurs which includes Chaplin… disguised as a tree. Not sophisticated yet I laughed.

In addition, Ol’ Charlie impersonates a German (an officer, to be specific), meaning that The Great Dictator was not the first time this happened. Overall, not the worst choice for me given that it was a last minute decision & was selected because it was in high quality on the Criterion Channel.

 

Necromancy

 Necromancy (1972)

Runtime: 82 minutes

Directed by: Bert I. Gordon

Starring: Pamela Franklin, Lee Purcell, Michael Ontkean, Harvey Jason, ORSON WELLES

From: Compass/Zenith International

Happy 100th birthday, Bert I. Gordon. I did not watch this yesterday on his 100th birthday because I’m a huge fan-truth be told, before Necromancy the only picture of his I had seen was Food of the Gods. To be honest, many probably did not know he was still alive-which was me until recently. As it’s still a big deal when someone reaches the century mark, it was nice to note such an achievement. Instead of his bread & butter of films involving projection effects that make people either huge or tiny, I went with something easily found on YouTube & deals with witches. Plus, it was the only Gordon movie featuring ORSON WELLES.

It does start off on a sobering note; after all, it’s about a woman who suffered a stillbirth. Her husband (the dude who played Harry S. Truman in Twin Peaks!) takes a job at a toy factory in middle of nowhere California (no, not the Silver Shamrock corporation; the two movies do share more than one similarity) run by Welles. There are indeed witches along with attempts at necromancy, someone who resembles Gene Wilder-to steal a line from a mutual-visions, tarot cards, an exploding car, a grimoire, and more. The town’s name is Lilith, which is not a subtle clue that the movie is still happy to explain to you.

The movie doesn’t always make a lot of sense and I don’t think it was just because of the occasional jarring editing that I presume was done to give it a dream-like quality. It was long before David Lynch that Michael Ontkean acted in something w/ a surreal flavor, although needless to say Lynch did it far better. Yet despite all its flaws and moments never explained, there are still some memorable moments so I’ll say that this was average overall. Even if it was a phoned-in performance, Welles in his small role wasn’t bad; the actual best performance came from Franklin. There are some other familiar faces: Lee Purcell, Sue Bernard (of Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! fame) and Harvey Jason-Wilder’s doppelganger and soon after meeting on set, the real life husband of Franklin… they are still married to this day.

It is funny that-based on hearsay-this movie can be compared to a recent theatrical release--I’ll remain vague and move on. It’s not horrible, which could very well have been in the cards for someone who was stepping out of his wheelhouse here; instead it’s an interesting curio which I know will really entertain some. To clarify what I saw, for reasons unknown to me Gordon released this movie again a decade later under the title The Witching, which was shorter yet included some new footage of naked people (including Brinke Stevens) as I know that’d make it “more hip” for the time. I actually found that version in the bowels of the Internet although of course the original Necromancy cut is the one I just reviewed here.

 

Patrick

Patrick (1978)

Runtime: 112 minutes

Directed by: Richard Franklin

Starring: Robert Thompson, Susan Penhaligon, Maria Mercedes, Robert Helpmann, Rod Mullinar

From: Several different Australian companies

Yep, it sure is an Ozploitation version of a telekinesis movie.

Tomorrow there will be no review as among other things, late tonight I’ll be viewing the Australian Football League Grand Final game between the Geelong Cats and the Sydney Swans. While I don’t watch as much Australian Rules Football as I used to it’s still a wacky fun sport so I’m not going to miss the championship game. Patrick was actually never seen by me until last night despite its fame in some circles and my liking of such Richard Franklin films as Road Games, Psycho II & Cloak and Dagger.

It is a rather slow burn as the titular Patrick is a comatose patient at a private hospital who apparently has taken a liking to newly-hired nurse Kathy. It’s rather obvious given that he experiences “arousal” at times! Yeah, it’s not always in the best taste… Kathy is often mistreated, sometimes in gross ways. Patrick can also astral project-now there’s another pseudoscience trope from the 70’s. The plot strands probably won’t raise too many eyebrows: Kathy’s superiors aren’t always great people, the husband she’s separated from is a creep, no one believes her claims, bad things happen to people she knows, Patrick has one hell of a unibrow-OK, you probably couldn’t predict that last point.

The movie doesn’t rise above being “fine” but that is OK. There’s some creepy moments, nice direction, and the expected Aussie Weirdness to entertain me. The movie wasn’t more methodical to me—that said, through the years I’ve learned that more than many I don’t get bored easy just because a picture has a measured pace. Admittedly at times even I felt the almost two hour length yet overall it was a fascinating journey.

Cannibal Terror

Cannibal Terror (Terreur Cannibale) (1980)

Runtime: 93 incredibly long minutes

Directed by: Alain Derull… and Olivier Mathot… and Julio Perez Tabernero

Starring: Derull, Mathot, and a bunch of other people no one has ever heard of before

From: Eurocine

Ooof, this was not a funny kind of bad. I know some feel that way and its description on Arrow’s streaming site says just as much… for me, I was glad I didn’t drive a car or operate heavy machinery immediately afterwards!

This French/Spanish production not only had zero budget, but its biggest sin is how incredibly boring most of the film is. Ostensibly the plot concerns a little girl being kidnapped by goons because her parents are filthy rich, only to encounter a tribe of cannibals… note that the entire movie is filmed in Spain so the tribe is located in a rural area that does not look like a jungle at all, the tribe of “natives” are obvious white guys that have 70’s sideburns/hair & clearly wear white briefs under their loincloths, the gore doesn’t look convincing-although at least it’s there for those that love such things-the kidnapped girl is never in distress despite the fact that she was gone from her parents for days, the English dubbing was lackluster and most of it is just SO poorly done and amateur-that’s why the movie drags incredibly badly. There is why Cannibal Terror bored me to tears & may do the same for you also.

Sure, it’s never a good sign when a movie has two uncredited directors (two of the three happened to act in the movie also) and it was interesting that the filmmaking would have made Roger Corman proud-this and Jesus Franco’s White Cannibal Queen were filmed at the same time on the same set & even shared some of the same cast-it’s a movie I’ll be happy to forget pretty soon. White Cannibal Queen had to be better than this & I am assuming that most of the films to come out of Eurocine-that’s including much of Franco & Rollin’s work-provides more entertainment value than this, good or bad. The score is hated by many-I don’t loathe it… it just seemed misplaced more than anything else.

Although, I did howl after a rather inexplicable exchange between father and daughter on the phone where dad made her an origami animal and she had to guess from description what it was. Even after he proclaimed it meowed, she asked if it was a ZEBRA or a SHARK. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised that she was dumb enough to get along swimmingly or develop a Stockholm Syndrome relationship w/ her kidnappers…

 

Godzilla vs. Destoroyah

Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (Gojira vs. Desutoroia) (1995)

Runtime: 103 minutes

Directed by: Takao Okawara

Starring: Takuro Tatsumi, Yoko Ishino, Yasufumi Hayashi, Megumi Odaka, Sayaka Osawa

From: Toho

Surprisingly poignant… and “inspired” by the entire Alien franchise.

A recent mutual on Letterboxd liking and commenting on my list of Godzilla reviews was the inspiration to finally watch one of those films for the first time since Godzilla vs. Kong April of last year and the first Toho entry since… October of 2019?! Yep, it was LONG overdue. Given how much I enjoyed this conclusion to the Heisei period of Gojira pictures, shame on me.

The gimmick is that Godzilla and Godzilla Jr. (that’s what I like to call him, anyhow) experience a high dose of uranium and the former starts a nuclear meltdown (!) as he has a heart like a nuclear reactor… admittedly, some of the science here is of a dubious nature, but at least it’s entertaining as hell. An invention similar to Dr. Serizawa’s Oxygen Destroyer-one of several nods to the original Gojira, which also includes photos of Akihiko Hirata and Takashi Shimura-causes organisms from Earth’s earliest history to resurrect and tear s*** up.

I’d say the human element was largely what you’d expect-but that would not entirely be truthful. There are actual emotional moments and heart-wrenching bits, which is unrelated to Godzilla’s fate. The character of Miki Saegusa-the psychic who has been around since Godzilla vs. Biollante-has her final appearance here and for some there will be tear-jerking bits. Anyone can agree that there’s nice miniature work-whether or not those buildings get wrecked-bitchin’ kaiju action, and that the score from Akira Ifukube (the final score he ever did; not a bad way to go out for the legend that scored the original Gojira 40 years beforehand) was pretty epic. Personally, it was amusing that there were nods to the then-trilogy of Alien films-yes, all three of them.

The entire Heisei Series of the franchise (Return of Godzilla to this film) was rather weird, sometimes especially so. Discussing all of them through the years has been a good time even if I didn’t care for some of them. I promise it will be before 2025 that I dive into the Millennium Series.

Santo And Blue Demon vs. Dr. Frankenstein

Santo and Blue Demon vs. Dr. Frankenstein (Santo yBlue Demon Contra El Doctor Frankenstein) (1974)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: Miguel M. Delgado

Starring: Besides Santo & Blue Demon, there’s Sasha Montenegro, Jorge Russek & Ivonne Govea

From: Cinematografica Calderon S.A.

In the past I’ve seen several pictures starring the most famous lucha libre (Mexican wrestler) star in history, El Santo. However, the last time was during the preceding year’s spooky season so no better time than now to discuss something involving ditzy female detectives, the grandson of Dr. Frankenstein-who found a way to maintain his youth-zombies that he can control, a hulking brute who I hope just happened to be a dark-skinned man rather than that being the reason why the actor got the role, and unsuccessful brain transplant surgery.

It's a silly story I could nitpick if really necessary; then again, it’s a movie world where the heroes are two masked men who always have their faces covered, even while wearing stylish suits or 70’s business-casual wear in public, driving their convertibles, etc. Frankenstein wants Santo’s brain in a hulking brute’s body as that’d help him rule the world, and yada yada yada… there are THREE wrestling matches that fills the time (that’s more than typical) yet there was enough campy charm and standing wrestling brawls outside the ring to entertain me. It is cliché to have a damsel in distress as Santo’s soon to be girlfriend ends up becoming—then again that tends to happen often in the movie starring the man w/ the silver mask.

Sure, there’s some awkward exposition dumps and even more awkward attempts at humor… it’s all so silly that overall I’ll say this is fine. Not the first movie I’d show someone if they wanted to see their first Santo picture, yet thankfully not the worst he ever did either.

Faust

Faust (Faust: Eine Deutsche Volkssage) (1926)

Runtime: 106 minutes

Directed by: F.W. Murnau

Starring: Gosta Ekman, Emil Jannings, Camilla Horn, Frida Richard, William Dieterle

From: UFA

“All things in heaven and on earth are wonderful! But the greatest miracle of all is man's freedom to choose between good and evil!”

Via Arrow’s streaming site I was able to check out a film from a great director I hadn’t viewed before; it’s a shame that not only did F.W. Murnau not make that many pictures before he died due to complications from an auto accident, but some of what he did make is now lost. Nosferatu, Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans and Faust are all well worth experiencing for yourself. Of course, Faust is based on German folklore; you may not know that the movie was based on that and an old play Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, but it was.

Those that haven’t heard the term “Faustian bargain”, it’s when someone abandons their morals and/or spirituality for such things as knowledge or material things like wealth. In this case it’s literal… Mephisto-yes, Satan-and an Archangel have a bet where the Devil will run wild over the Earth if he can corrupt a poor man’s soul. An old alchemist named Faust is that soul in question. A plague hits a town; this is represented in a scene from a rather extravagant first act by Satan giant-sized releasing dust upon the area. German Expressionistic, this sure as heck is. Faust can’t find a cure for the plague so in desperation he asks for the Devil’s assistance; this goes about as well as you’d probably guess. Then, love occurs and you’d be mistaken if the thought crossed your mind that Faust’s fortunes would turn around.

It's a movie w/ wild moments where various ideas are usually presented rather boldly-yet it’s also satisfying when the plot turns more romantic and love interest Gretchen is introduced. As Murnau’s preceding movie-The Last Laugh-was a box office hit, the studio UFA gave him carte blanche and this allowed for such an extravagant production with some big sets and even bigger effects. The cast was uniformly solid although it was Emil Jannings as Mephisto (whether giant-sized or human-sized) that was the stand-out; that character was especially over the top, although in a gleeful manner. What a conclusion to Murnau’s time in his home country as right after this he went to Hollywood.

Above The Law

Above the Law (1988)

Runtime: 99 minutes

Directed by: Andrew Davis

Starring: Steven Seagal, Pam Grier, Ron Dean, Daniel Faraldo, Henry Silva (RIP)

From: Warner Bros.

RIP Henry Silva

While his death was announced Friday afternoon, somehow I did not hear the sad news until hours later. Through the years I’ve seen him in a variety of different movies, from old Westerns to B-movie pictures in America—a number of different poliziotteschi efforts to schlock like Megaforce & Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold. The reason why this was selected: I had up a far too brief review so I felt like rectifying that. For certain it was NOT because I support the incredibly unsavory human being known as Steven Seagal-to make it clear, I don’t support Seagal whatsoever-or think that this is a cogent plot told in an incredibly clear manner.

As typical, Silva played a villain-the villain in this case, a man with the incredibly improbable yet dope name of KURT ZAGON. Seagal is Nico, an Italian immigrant, Aikido expert, and ex-CIA turned Chicago police officer; for all I know Ol’ Steven probably pretended he was ex-CIA or somehow involved w/ another branch of the American government. Anyhow, he is a loose cannon cop who has Pam Grier (hell yeah) as a partner and stumbles into a scandal involving drugs, shipment of military equipment, Central American immigrants & a branch of the government. Not for nothing but in the United States there was the Iran-Contra Affair, a similar scandal that happened in real life. Thankfully we could NEVER have that happen again in the United States… <looks around sheepishly>.

It does blow my mind that Seagal was a martial arts coordinator on a few early 80’s movies, got to know Michael Ovitz and out of nowhere had a career where he immediately starred in his own pictures. For people around my age, many watched and enjoyed those silly films… and many of our parents probably felt the same way. Presumably Silva relished the role of Zagon, as that character was a pretty evil and awful human being; there are many familiar faces in the cast, mostly “that guy” actors I know although there are some bit parts played by John C. Reilly, Mark Boone Junior & Michael Rooker; in addition, Sharon Stone played Seagal’s wife and there’s one actor you’ll likely recognize due to his distinctive voice-he has one scene.

Sometime later in the year I should watch something involving Henry Silva which is new to me, a film where he has a larger role than the one he had here. For all the movie’s faults at least it’s an amusing good time directed by someone who would have success in the 90’s (Andrew Davis) and was a nice nostalgic trip.

The Invisible Man (The Original)

The Invisible Man (1933)

Runtime: 71 minutes

Directed by: James Whale

Starring: Claude Rains, Gloria Stuart, William Harrigan, Henry Travers, Una O’Connor

From: Universal

Me thinks that perhaps Dr. Jack Griffin was a megalomaniac all along… believe it or not this was the first time I had ever seen this picture despite watching all the other classic Universal horror movies years beforehand—and viewing the 2020 remake in the days before the pandemic that is a pestilence became a big deal in the United States. Last night was finally the time and I was not let down.

Many people likely know the basics already-some may just know this for the lead having a #look w/ the bandages covering his face and black goggles-but to be brief, Dr. Jack Griffin was someone who discovered the ability to be invisible. If it wasn’t bad enough that he is constantly invisible, one of the ingredients in the concoction has made him go bonkers, a real SOB. Sure, it’s funny that he sometimes trolls people just to laugh maniacally at their fright… not so humorous is that he forces a pal to help him out and if that wasn’t detestable enough, he cause the death of many people.

It is quite the entertaining yarn where there are other things that at least amused me—e.g. Una O’Connor as the owner of an inn whose hysterical behavior is astoundingly over the top… that said the character is still a hoot. There thankfully are serious moments in a production that can be quite theatrical in the best of ways-the movie manages to be fun. The key aspect I’ll note is that the special effects still effective & believable in a motion picture filmed 89 years ago. 

James Whale was masterful behind the camera and for his first sound movie Claude Rains was incredible as the title character, but it’s the special effects of John P. Fulton that I will spotlight now. Besides working in Universal horror there was his collaborations w/ Hitchcock (including Vertigo) and he created the parting of the Red Sea in the ’56 version of The Ten Commandments. The invisible effects came from sets and Rains wearing black velvet and footage being matted onto the black areas; a scene involving a mirror required combining FOUR elements. Fulton deserves far more recognition for his contributions to cinema, in other words.

While the remake and original are quite different from one another, both are well worth seeing; shame on me for only watching the OG film last night.

Dogs Of Hell

Dogs of Hell (1983)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Directed by: Worth Keeter

Starring: Earl Owensby, Bill Gribble, Robert Bloodworth, Kathy Hasty, Ed Lillard

From: E.O. Corporation

A movie destined to be discussed on the Video Archives Podcast?

I don’t know how someone on YouTube found a watchable widescreen print of this obscure picture-even if it’s 2-D rather than its original 3-D-but they did. Once I discovered a few days ago that an account which posts mainly films that even I hadn’t heard of had this as an upload, it was a must. No, it wasn’t due to any positive buzz or any status as a hidden gem. Rather, just recently I went down a random rabbit hole and read the Wikipedia page of 3-D movies made before 2005; esoteric, meaning it was right up my alley. Anyhow, this was mentioned as the first of a sextet of very low-budget third dimension pictures done by Earl Owensby, a producer and sometimes actor who had his own independent studio in North Carolina and made a number of pictures presumably for the drive-in circuit during the 70’s and 80’s. From what little I know he led quite a life but you can research that on your own if you so desire.

When I did a cursory search of if Rottweiler-the alternate title-could be found anywhere, it was only rough VHS rips; not even two weeks later discovering it on a channel I’ve viewed films on before… it was perfect. If only I could have enjoyed this more-in a bare-bones plot, the military for some reason creates killer rottweilers that can only be managed via remote control. An accident on transport releases a pack loose on a bucolic North Carolina town. If you expect to actually see them tear apart poor fools… you are BARKING up the wrong tree. There’s some blood but not too much gore except in the final minutes where the viewer finally gets to see people torn to shreds. Believe it or not, Fred Olen Ray was one of the people who did the effects. It does have to be said that a few dogs are shown getting their heads blown apart via gunshot… don’t watch this, Allison M.!

Time is spent on getting to know the good old boy sheriff (naturally, played by Owensby) and the wacky characters that inhabit the area. I was amused & bemused by all those folks, the time spent at the local bar-where mud-wrestling takes place-the copious amounts of local country music, the scenic beauty of the area, the guy who sounded exactly like Eastwood. Yet I know most horror fans will be disappointed by the lack of carnage until the finale, where Fred Olen Ray (!) was among the people that did the effects. Maybe Owensby was born a few decades too early and would have been best making something like this in the 50’s for the same circuit. As is, I’ll just be happy that Dogs of Hell wasn’t terrible.

While a minor footnote in the history of American filmmaking, I’d still love if someone (Vinegar Syndrome or one of what seems like 50 different partner labels) put out at least a few Owensby pictures out on Blu. Also, given what’s been discussed on the Video Archives Podcast so far I wouldn’t be surprised if QT and Roger Avary discussed this or another Owensby film during one of their episodes. I’d love to hear them both discuss such a fascinating character in conjunction w/ his output.