Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow

Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994)

Runtime: A long 83 minutes

Directed by: Alan Metter

Starring: Only some of the regulars, plus embarrassed veterans Christopher Lee & Ron Perlman... and a just starting her career Claire Forlani

From: Warner Bros.

The movie actually being filmed in Russia doesn't mean squat when this was atrocious all around: 

This film's knowledge of forensics & plumbing is comparable to its “knowledge” of inspiring laughter.

In the past few years I once in awhile have gone back to watch all the Police Academy movies, as it was a franchise I viewed when I was a little kid. Naturally the juvenile humor that eventually became the hallmark of the movies would appeal to people around my age growing up in the 80's and 90's. The first five I had seen multiple times, the last two less so. Even when I was a young teenager I recognized Mission to Moscow as being pretty dire. But I finally got the nerve to finish this franchise and this got a viewing; turns out, this was as bad as I had remembered, as it's not only a failure as a comedy, but is inept when it comes to plot structure, the story tying together logically, and so forth.

A quarter of a century later, it is amusing that the general idea of the plot would work better. A Russian mobster (Ron Perlman!) is enjoying the return of capitalism to Russia & creates a game on computer and portable devices that is incredibly popular... nevermind that what little of the game you see makes said game look like a piece of crap. Turns out, he is going to create a sequel that has malicious software which will hack every computer the game is installed on. Of course, a perfectly fine story idea in 2019 is a corrupt individual having the top selling app (like, say, Candy Crush Saga) containing malware that infests everyone's smartphones.

Anyhow, the top cop in Moscow (Christopher Lee?! He wears a giant mustache... and I am glad he only appears for a few scenes) has Lassard and a few of the Police Academy regulars come to Russia for the purposes of stopping the mobster. What results is an illogical plot, many stupid moments and no laughter from me. There were some chuckles, but that's it. The fact that not all of the original crew came back from this is pretty telling; only some participated in this cash grab that made the previous entry seem OK in comparison. There's also a doofus new recruit who hacks his way into the assignment; he has vertigo and you think that would play a role in the climax... such as him finally conquering it and that helps defeat the bad guys... this movie is so pitiful, it doesn't play a factor at all. Claire Forlani plays the translator; as her career had just started at this point, I can't be as disappointed that she is in this nonsense.

This has many inexplicable moments: why are there three random Russian cops who sometimes help out, and why do they only communicate with noises? Why does Lassard have a dumb side plot where he hangs out with a random Russian family, and why does he disappear for at least half the movie? Why does the opening scene have someone play “The Game” (and yes, that's what they call the big game... The Game!) in a Game Boy with obviously no cartridge in it when in the other scenes when a Game Boy is being played, a cartridge is present? I could go on and on, but that is more effort than this lameski movie deserves. Stick with most of the other ones-they are usually childish and always stereotypical but at least the characters are fun and there are dopey laughs to be had. Mission to Moscow saying that forensics allows you to pluck one strand of hair and be able to tell if that person is a virgin from one glance at a microscope... no thank you.