Kingsman: The Secret Service

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)

74% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 179 reviews)

Runtime: 129 minutes

Directed by: Matthew Vaughn

Starring: Colin Firth, Taron Egerton, Samuel L. Jackson, Mark Strong, Michael Caine

From: 20th Century Fox

Here's yet another controversial review; yes, I did not like this movie either. I will explain why below in a lengthy review from Letterboxd. Note that I posted that review late last night. I will return Thursday night, as I need to do some online things between now and then.

Me posting a review this late (real late at night, United States Eastern Standard Time) is an extraordinarily rare occurrence. Yet, I have to do it to get my opinions out of my head and out into the world, that a movie most of the world loves not only left me cold, but actually caused me to HATE it.

Now, I never have reviewed it for the site but I've seen Kick-Ass once and I'd rather not actually watch it again. I thought it was a stupid film and not that entertaining at all, so I'd give it a pretty low grade. Despite the same director and same (hack) comic book writer coming together again to adapt some other comic book I never heard of before, with all the incredible praise I've heard about it here and elsewhere and how I enjoy watching the Bond films (and eventually I'll finish reviewing all of them), I thought there's no way I would dislike this, right?

Well, I was wrong. Let me explain.

You want to talk about a movie that's trying WAY WAY too hard at all times, it's this. It's not always the case but it seems like that's more often than not a turn-off for me, and here they were trying to be SO “edgy”, “cool”, “hip”, “stylishly violent” or what have you. It just wore thin and I really didn't enjoy watching this. I thought the story was stupid and sucked and made zero sense; what was going to happen once the villain's ridiculous impossible plan would have been successful? I thought Samuel L. Jackson as the incredibly casual billionaire villain was just dumb (is him eating McDonalds with a distinguished guest supposed to be funny?) and the lisp was just pointless and distracting. I thought most of the characters were complete A-holes and absolutely abrasive (and needlessly so), and I certainly did not like the main character Eggsy. What a sh*thead he was! Colin Firth as an action hero is amusing at all, but otherwise... that one woman whose name I don't remember and don't care to remember who has blades for legs that she uses as weapons: stupid. I thought the action scenes were incoherent and badly shot. Yes, even “that one scene” most orgasm over. And talk about lazy blunt unimaginative "satire" of old spy films.

Honestly, the more I think about this the more I hate it and the drunk tool fratboy backwards hat wearing energy drink pounding meathead bro vibe that leaves a stench on the entire thing. I'll leave it at 1 ½ stars but by this point I may be generous with how I am feeling. The interaction between Eggsy and a certain female character: just gross all around. I'll just presume that Mark Millar is just as much of a lowlife and child minded as Frank Miller is, especially when it comes to females. I certainly know that I'll never see a film ever again involving Mark Millar or Matthew Vaughn, and those two together, why it's like toxic waste.

I can't quite explain why most films made in modern years (including and especially many beloved ones) just leave me cold, but they do. I'd much rather watch even the worst Bond movies than this ugly hateful unpleasant garbage ever again. Why most of the world loves this, I cannot comprehend. No offense to all those following me that love the film; I just don't see it at all, all the alleged joy and mirth you've gotten out of this.

Now, if you don't want SPOILERS then stop reading here. I'll just mention some things which particularly bothered me.

With that out of the way, the entire final act just rubbed me the wrong way, between the grossness of Eggsy and that princess, the nonsense of the plot itself, the cheapness of the movie threatening a mother killing her toddler child, and whatever the “humor” was of all those heads exploding and it being represented by... fireworks and smoke? WTF? That was just awful.

But what REALLY made me turn against the movie: the whole subplot with the dogs. Now, I don't think the killing of the puppy in John Wick was really needed, at least there was a point to it, that it was something else taken away from Wick at an awful time in his life so that's why he snaps and kills all those sons of bitches.

Here, it's just awful screenwriting that I actually saw through the entire time and I knew what would happen as soon as it was first introduced. That alone isn't bad, but it trying to be “cheap heat” by being “edgy” in threatening to kill cute dogs... that was just disgusting and absolutely not needed at all and there were much better ways to have a plot element where Eggsy fails in the final test, only of course to be accepted later on. It's just ugliness and unpleasantness brought into it and honestly, f*ck you Matthew Vaughn and f*ck you Mark Millar for that moment which almost legit caused me to walk out of the auditorium and go home. What D-bags you are for even thinking such a thing had to be done.