G.I. Joe: Retaliation

G.I.Joe: Retaliation (2013)

29% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 131 reviews)

Runtime: 110 minutes

Directed by: Jon M. Chu

Starring: The Rock, Adrianne Palicki, D.J. Cotrona, Channing Tatum, Jonathan Pryce

From: Paramount

Yes, despite what I said recently concerning the first movie, I still went and saw this movie, as the trailers made it look better and there's The Rock and I should have given the parties that pushed this back the middle finger by not seeing it, but I did anyhow.

Overall, I did like it better than the first movie, but... you probably already know the plot from the trailers: the Joe's get betrayed so they have to join back together to stop Cobra Commander and his gang from taking over the White House and ruiling the world, and blah blah blah.

This movie... in hindsight, getting pissed that it got pushed back at the last minute for 9 months was more about the stupidity of doing such a thing and how it reeks of corporate stupidity and bureaucratic poppycock rather than damaging a quality movie, as a quality movie this is not. It's a big stupid action film but I did not get much enjoyment out of it aside from some pretty cool moments, The Rock being awesome and nice eye candy in Palicki and Elodie Yung as Jinx.

Otherwise, though, there's a nonsensical story I usually could not care less about, chaotic action scenes (not always in a good way; the post-conversion 3D probably hampered that at times as it wasn't designed to have 3D action sequences) and Oh My God is the movie filled with atrocious dialogue. I mean, just terrible. Some were so bad I laughed but the rest was just painful. An actual line is: “A quicker blower-upper”. Honest. And let's not start on the painfully stupid and awful HasBromance relationship between The Rock and Channing Tatum's characters.

While I would likely be extraordinarily angry if I ever summoned up the courage to watch a Transformers movie (I barely watched the cartoon as a kid), this is still something which probably tells me that movies like this just must not be for me.

I'll be back Monday night; I've been seeing crappy films as of late, haven't I? I need to try and fix that.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Runtime: 118 minutes

Directed by: Stephen Sommers

Starring: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Dennis Quaid

From: Paramount

Would you believe that I had never seen this film until last night? That is with me thinking that the sequel looked at least sort of interesting. From what I heard this original film sounded real stupid but I didn't think it would be agonizing to watch, and the sequel just looked better. However, at the last minute they moved the movie back to this weekend and along with many on the Internet we thought this was the height of stupidity; no matter it being Paramount or the A-holes that the crappy toy company known as Hasbro who made the call (and whether or not it had anything to do with Battleship being a massive flop on every level), it was such a waste of money to move it at the last minute and it really stunk of corporate bureaucratic BS (something that unfortunately happens all the time in Hollywood in recent years) and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

But not as bad a taste as the one I had when I saw this movie last night!

You likely don't need for me to recount the plot of how two soldiers named Duke Hauser and Ripcord (Tatum and Wayans; wow did they ever have a homoerotic relationship and it couldn't have been planned out that way; that's fine and all but I imagine those two characters having the red equals sign on their Facebook and Twitter profiles...) encounter the mysterious G.I. Joe organization, which secretly helps out the good guys in the world and is led by General Hawk (Quaid); they have to deal with the mysterious evil corporation known as Cobra. The MacGuffin they want is some “impossible technology”, but the less said about that the better.

Oh did I hate this movie. Now, I do remember watching the cartoon way back in the day, when I was real young. I sure as hell don't really remember much about it, though. I hope it wasn't as stupid and intelligence-insulting as this movie was. When the first thing you see after the company logos is that this is set “in the not too distant future” (next Sunday, A.D.? Should I really be reminded of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 while watching this?) and that the main technology everyone wants is known as “nanomites” and somehow it can eat through steel and they can be controlled via massive contrivances, I knew I was in trouble. But Holy Christ was this terrible. The story was just putrid and nonsensical. The worst kind of action movie, you know, one so dumb I can't even enjoy it due to how insulting it was. Then there was the dialogue... the dialogue was horrible! They speak like no human does in real life, the alleged jokes weren't funny in the least, and you see “impossible technology” throughout... they would have been better off saying, “This is set in an alternate universe” in the beginning instead of reminding people of MST3K.

While the computer effects look good (even if I was often reminded of a PS3 or Xbox 360 game) and the action was usually fine, and the women in the cast weren't bad-looking in general, the movie was just way too stupid and intelligence-insulting for my tastes. I have a feeling many action fans will disagree but this just was not an enjoyable movie at all for me to watch. I've mentioned it before but I don't always hate extraordinarily stupid action movies; look at my review of Fast Five. This G.I. Joe movie was just no fun for me. Then again maybe I expected too much from a film which has characters named Storm Shadow, Baron di Cobray, Dr. Mindbender, Heavy Duty, and my favorite in HARD MASTER, but I still stand by what I say.

Lord I REALLY hope the sequel is better than this and isn't so damn stupid. I'll be back Saturday afternoon.

Chernobyl Diaries

Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

20% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 85 reviews)

Runtime: 86 minutes

Directed by: Bradley Parker

Starring: Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski, Devin Kelley, Olivia Dudley, Dimitri Diatchenko

From: Alcon Entertainment/FilmNation

Here is another movie I've seen that hasn't been so well received in general; I know, I've been on a string of those as of late but I've just been in that mood, you know. I decided to see this as I know that most people really don't like it but from some spots I've seen praise, so I figured it was worth a watch. I was interested in seeing it until I heard the negative reviews. Thankfully, this was better than The Darkest Hour, not that this is a high bar to leap over.

The plot: A trio of young Americans go on a European vacation (which isn't like the one that the Griswolds went on) and end up in Kiev, where the brother of one of them is now living. That brother decides to convince them to go on an Urban Exploration trip (those sorts of trips are legt) of Pripyat, the town by the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant that was abandoned after the disaster of 1986 happened. In real life you actually can take tours of Pripyat so that part is true. It's led by Uri (Diatchenko), an old military guy who definitely looks the part, and is a pretty cool character. Well, the group drives there in an old Soviet van and they are denied entry for mysterious reasons. Old Uri knows a secret entrance so they go in illegally; things seem fine but then suddenly they are stuck in the city and they then discover that there are wild animals running about... and maybe something else too.

I've heard all the negative attacks against this and I personally thought it was a fine watch. Sure, it could have been better but it isn't the nuclear disaster that I have heard in general. I understand that visiting that area isn't as dangerous as the movie makes it out to be, there's some goofiness throughout and the ending can raise a number of questions but these things did not ruin the movie for me. Like I said it's fine overall. There's good mood and atmosphere and it was interesting seeing them explore the area (this was actually filmed in Serbia and Hungary, as I imagine it's cheap there. Yet it does look the part.

What makes it work is that I was not annoyed or angered by the characters. They do some dopey things but that's a horror film and it's not so egregious it turns you off. They also aren't asstagonists, which is a relief. You actually at least somewhat care about them. With that and how I felt there were chills and scares throughout (what's causing the issue, it's more of a threat you don't get a great look at, but that is OK in this instance) in a setting that I enjoyed and thought was interesting, this is something that I feel gets too much hate.

You can read about what happened in the area on the Wikipedia page of thedisaster, and this video from last year shows you what the town actually looks like.

I'll be back Thursday afternoon.

Some Randomness

I know, but several unexpected things popped up today, from listening to a live broadcast of a podcast (which is what I'm still listening to now) to having to type up a letter from someone, to even getting a new version of free antivirus protection, which took longer than expected. But, today I did go to Blockbuster to rent some movies for the week, which is the main thing I'll be talking about.

Yes, I still go to Blockbuster sometimes, even though I have plenty of movies at home and have new options like Xbox video. I enjoy walking around and physically looking at movies to pick out; sad to say I must be in the minority with that given how video rental places like that are dying out and are seemingly becoming extinct. I would not be shocked if tomorrow Blockbuster announces they're bankrupt and they are closing down for good never to return. It is easy to presume that when their older titles are now worth 99 cents, not for a 1 night rental but a 5 night rental. That works well for me and in case unexpected things all pop up in one day like what happened to me today, it's more convenient and I don't have to try and rush something, you know. I did rent some movies so I should actually have a backlog of things I can post in the future instead of right away.

I did get the first G.I. Joe film to watch for the first time, as unless I hear the sequel is a massive turkey, I would like to see that on the big screen.

I will be back tomorrow night and this time I should have the typical review up of a random motion picture.

The Darkest Hour

The Darkest Hour (2011)

12% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 58 reviews)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Directed by: Chris Gorak

Starring: Emile Hirsch, Olivia Thirlby, Max Minghella, Rachael Taylor

From: Summit Entertainment

I apologize for this being up late but I was tied up with other things. Not that I really want to say too much about this film, which I've known about since before it came out due to its unwise idea of having invisible aliens. A unique idea, but probably one that wasn't done before for good reason. I watched it last night on Showtime. I am glad I did not have to pay to see it.

Let me copy and paste the plot description from the IMDb: “The American software designers Sean and Ben travel to Moscow to sell their software to investors. However, their Swedish partner Skyler pulls a fast one on Sean and Ben, and they are out of the business. They go to a nightclub, where they meet American Natalie and Australian Anne and they flirt with the girls and see Skyler in the club. Out of the blue, the population is surprised by lights, which they mistake for natural phenomena. But soon, they learn that the lights are aliens invading Earth and using power supply to annihilate mankind. Sean, Ben, Natalie, Anne and Skyler hide in the kitchen and when they leave the place, they seek out survivors on the street. Are they the last people on Earth?”

The thing is, the worst part of the movie isn't the invisible alien aspect. They feed off of energy so when they pass by something electric or something that is used by it (such as lightbulbs or an automobile) you see an orange-yellow glow from it, as it appears to be surrounded by a spherical forcefield that makes it invisible; once you do see what it looks like... I'll go with the online description of “like The Langoliers”, but not as cool.

The main problem with the movie is that all of the main characters are asstagonists who you don't care about at all; then again they don't seem to care too much for each other, as when their pal or pals die off (sorry for the spoiler but you probably figured it was going to happen, you know) they don't seem too affected by it. Then there's the lame story which is just stupid in many ways and doesn't always make sense. People die when the aliens touch them and they turn into silver metallic dust, pretty much; that was goofy at best. The action that you do see, it's not presented well so you don't care about it at all. The aliens are not made out to be scary threats at all.

There's no real reason to see this; it's not even fun to laugh at in a bad movie sort of way. The Moscow scenery looked nice and all but it also did so in that horrible 5th Die Hard film. It's just dumb and pointless. I'll be back Monday night.

Rappin'

Rappin' (1985)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Joel Silberg

Starring: Mario Van Peebles, Charles Grant, Tasia Valenza, Eriq La Salle, Kadeem Hardison

From: Cannon

Here is what I referenced last night, something that is rather obscure today, and this is quite the time capsule, representing those good old days where rap was still in its youth, and look at what it's at today. Sure, I think that most rap music in recent years is total garbage and that's due in part to everyone rapping about being rich, having “bitches &ho's”, and all this SWAG and YOLO garbage... but there's other reasons why it just sucks now and is awfully lame but of course that garbage is wildly popular with Troglodytes who don't know any better. But back in this era things were more innocent, where you could have raps about several different colors and also rap about food, both of which are actually present in this film.

I found out about the movie earlier in this year on a messageboard, where an article from the usually awful Ain't It Cool News was linked and they talked about this film. I found this glorious trailer. What inspired me to watch this was that the Bad Movie Fiends podcast reviewed it and they loved laughing at the film.

Let me give you the correct plot synopsis, as the one on IMDb is actually inaccurate: John “Rappin'” Hood (Van Peebles) is let out of the clink for an unnamed crime. He returns to his ghetto neighborhood in Pittsburgh and he has to deal with such troubles as an unscrupulous land developer wanting the neighborhood to himself in order to level it and build something new over it, a rival gang led by the total D-bag Duane (Grant), who happens to be going out with his ex-lady Dixie (Valenza), and more; thankfully he has his own crew, including Ice (La Salle) and Moon (Hardison)

This is a movie about the urban culture which was produced, directed, and written by a bunch of older white Jewish men, with the director having done the two Breakin' breakdancing movies. Enough said there. You can just imagine how good this is... but it is hilarious as it's not only great to laugh at (and laugh I did) but it's also quite the time capsule of that time period, from all the innocenous rapping (although you do get a short rap about murdering and shooting from a crew, led by... Ice-T! No kidding) to the soundtrack, the music to the slang. You get a lot of rappin', of course, and some of the lines were bitten from the likes of Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five. If you love laughing at bad movies, this is worth tracking down; nevermind how I found it.

I unfortunately am unable to directly link to the next two videos I am going to post, so you'll have to click on the link to view it on the YouTube page itself.

This video is a nice example of what the movie is like. It shows two scenes: two guys having a beef with each other and they settle it by... doing fancy dancing with each other! The second part is the good guys rapping about food; as one of the gang is named FATS, of course he loves eating, so the song Snack Attack is about him.

And this is the end credits. They are tremendous. Most of the main cast raps! Honest. It is pretty glorious. I won't spoil the ending but it is cheesy... and fantastic. After all, they made it obvious Rappin' Hood is supposed to be like Robin Hood.

I'll be back Saturday afternoon.

A Change Of Plans

I know, another one of these, but things popped up today-and unexpected things at that-so I was unable to watch what I wanted to watch. I will be back tomorrow night, I promise. If things go right I'll be watching something on the obscure side but something I have heard is unintentionally hilarious.

Leprechaun

Leprechaun (1993)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Mark Jones

Starring: Warwick Davis, Jennifer Aniston (lol), Ken Olandt, Mark Holton, Robert Golman

From: Trimark Pictures

Yes, I am on point tonight with what I watched. This and wearing a green shirt was about as extensive as my St. Patrick's Day celebrations got. This was a movie I saw more than once as a kid but I hadn't seen it in full in a number of years. I found a copy to watch (no I did not watch it on the SyFy channel tonight, as I wanted to watch it unedited) and what a way to spend a Sunday night. I mean that in a good way; I knew all along it was a crappy horror film but I remembered more mayhem than just the great pogo stick death, which I took to be a good thing.

The plot is not exactly complex: a dude goes to Ireland and finds the leprechaun and by doing so has his pot of gold. He brings back the gold to his farm but the wee little creature is pissed so he goes there to raise hell. Before dying the dude traps Warwick Davis in a box. Ten years later the main part of the story starts, with Jennifer Aniston, her dad, and the people who will paint the old farmhouse. The youngster and his mentally handicapped adult friend find the gold, shortly after the leprechaun escapes, and that's when the mayhem begins.

It's still hilarious that Aniston starred in this shortly before being cast in Friends and becoming a huge celebrity. Other famous faces have appeared in these sorts of films before becoming big stars, from George Clooney to Tom Hanks and even Leo DiCaprio. It's paying your dues.

As for this film, it definitely is dopey and stupid. You should shut off your brain, for sure. However, it doesn't mean it is not entertaining and fun to watch. There's plenty of comedy, even if some of it is extremely silly. If you enjoy cheesy and wacky horror/comedies then you should watch it if you never have before. Ater all, you get many goofy one-liners and such sights as the leprechaun riding down a hallway on a skateboard then a wheelchair. That should say a lot right there as to what sort of motion picture this is.

Oh, and while it was obviously shot in California judging by the scenery, at least it was interesting in that it was set in North Dakota, as aside from the obvious Fargo, I can't think of too many movies (or any at all) that were set in the Peace Garden State.

I have only seen one of the many sequels, which was Leprechaun in the Hood, just because of its title, concept, and it having Ice-T. I don't really remember it, though. And bully to WWE Films for wanting to remake this and actually have it be more serious. I don't think it's gonna work even if they are able to get it off the ground.

I'll be back Tuesday night.

Theodore Rex

Theodore Rex (1995)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Jonathan R. Beutel

Starring: Whoopi Goldberg, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Juliet Landau, Bud Cort, Richard Roundtree

From: New Line Cinema

Yes, this is another legendary turkey from the past that I actually saw as a kid. At least with the Garbage Pail Kids Movie I was able to remember parts of it; this one I saw later but I barely remembered a damn thing about it. Again, a podcast I heard in the past ripped this apart as they all hated this as much as humanly possible. I was able to find a copy so I decided to give it a go.

The plot: Basically, it's a murder mystery set in an alternate universe where some dinosaurs survived and they are bipedal humanoid-like creatures. The opening crawl tells you right away what the movie is about, sharing information that the characters don't find out until much later. That is one of many problems with this film. It's not even that Whoopi tried to get out of making this movie and they sued, so they settled and she got an extra two million dollars. It's that this is a poorly made, scripted, acted, and put-together movie. No wonder it went direct to video despite having cost what is in 2013 money around 50 million dollars.

This seems too adult for the audience but anyone who is a decent age couldn't possibly care for it. It's definitely not like Roger Rabbit, where it's fine for both kids and adults and there's Jessica Rabbit and all but it's not too bad for children. This though, is not fit for anyone. The little kids won't get it or just will be put off, while everyone else will just be offended by how bad it is.

As you can imagine, Whoopi does not deliver a great performance given the circumstances. The rest of the cast-filled with familiar faces and people who deserve a far better fate than this. Oh what sights there is, from Whoopi (whose character, by the way, is a cyborg!) being put into a tight black bodysuit, possibly as punishment by the producers, a female dinosaur basically doing a Mae West impression, exploding butterflies, and the titular Teddy Rex constantly knocking things over with his tail. To steal a line from that podcast, this son of a bitch dinosaur is like a cross between Michael Cera and Kevin James! He's constantly a blubbering idiot, constantly making all sorts of noises when he isn't saying the most inane and aggravating dialogue. He's a royal asstagonist, for sure. Then again you don't like Whoopi's character either; they are just unpleasant humans... or rather a human and a dude in a costume.

The story... all over the place and completely nonsensical. It's a story about how Mueller-Stahl wants to blow up the world to start anew or some poppycock, but there's also the “humor” with the dinosaur's tail and Teddy farts a few times, there's him drooling all over the faux Mae West dinosaur... like I said it's all over the place and plus, the story seems downright broken at times as too many things just don't make sense in general or from scene to scene. It's just poorly made and put-together, as I said earlier on. I am now glad I had wiped pretty much all of it from my memory banks; after this viewing, I hope I don't have to watch it ever again!

Oh, and lol to the director apparently quitting the film industry after this due to the way the studio treated the film. Talk about delusional. Unlike The Garbage Pail Kids Movie-which I got quite a bit of entertainment from laughing at it and its 80's-ness-this is just painful bad; not even the fact that one of the henchmen looks a lot like Tommy Wiseau makes this worth seeing. You either should stick with something like a podcast review or The Nostalgia Critic's video review. If you are brave enough, you can try to track it down, but it's only for those of the strongest will, as this IS agonizingly horrible, no exaggeration.

I'll be back Sunday night with something that should be better than this pile of feces.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: Rod Amateau

Starring: Anthony Newley, Mackenzie Astin, Katie Barberi, Ron MacLachlan

From: Atlantic Releasing Corporation

Oh my God, this movie... believe it or not I saw it as a kid. I only remembered parts of it, but even then the movie didn't seem quite right to me. Of course as an adult I know how wrong-headed it is and how it's a cult classic due to its badness. But, even though I have had the DVD for a few years now I was quite frankly a little scared to watch it again; I haven't seen the famed Nostalgia Critic review on the movie (I usually don't watch him, to be honest) but I heard a podcast review and they hated the film. I mean, they loathed it. Finally I watched it tonight and yes it is really awful and not appropriate for kids despite it being a PG-rated film and it being based on what was then controversial trading cards for kids; but, it is also horrible in a hilarious way. I laughed often.

Let me try and recap the plot: We find out that the GPK come from a garbage can spaceship and they all fit in it; it must just be like the TARDIS... anyhow, they end up at the antique store of Captain Manzini (Newley; that poor bastard). He has a pal, a boy nearly 15 years old named DODGER (Astin) who deals with bullies that look to be in their 20's. The leader of that is a douche named JUICE. His girlfriend is TANGERINE, who is at least 16 as she drives a Triumph TR6 British convertible, of all vehicles. She doesn't seem like such a bad lady, at least not at first. There's a nameless guy whose best talent is wearing mesh shirts, and a lady who is big and buff; I mean, she could be Ronda Rousey's next opponent! They always pick on poor Dodger. 

Well, as Dodger is a horny 14 year old boy (a redundant statement, I know) he has the hots for Tangerine, who is hot in an 80's sort of way, with her giant hair, hilariously bad clothing and loud makeup. She happens to be in fashion and designs her own clothes, which she sells out of her car in the alleyways of the town's clubs, where the girls of the club go out to buy. Luckily for Dodger, the GPK somehow are great at sewing and making clothing themselves (that must be the talent on their home planet) so he uses them to make clothing and impress the girl he lusts for, and it works... or so he thinks. Turns out she's a bitch who uses him and Tangerine does a good job of cockteasing (to be blunt) that poor sap to do her bidding.

Yes, that is the actual plot of the movie.

That doesn't even take into account how this world has a “State Home for the Ugly”, how the GPK do such things as fart often and piss their pants, or how one of them is even a bigger stereotype than Andew Dice Clay's Diceman character, or how Ali Gator is a humanoid-alligator thing that talks like a sassy old black man, loves eating human toes (foot fetish!) and goes to a biker bar and gets drunk. That doesn't even include them stealing a Pepsi truck, either.

Oh, and a girl wants Tangerine's shirt so she takes it off in front of Dodger, who looked like he almost had an accident in his pants. That doesn't beat, though, the finale where you see dresses ripped off of random adult ladies; yes, women running around in their bras and panties in this PG-rated film.

Like I said, this is pretty awful but oh my God is this bizarre movie so great to laugh at. I guffawed at the music, the clothing you see on everyone, and the hair you see on the ladies. Talk about dating it to the 1980's in a major way. You only see stuff like that in that glorious decade. And let's not start on “The State Home of the Ugly”, an actual thing in this movie. Check this out if you want big laughs; maybe I'm the only one but this is hilarious to me.

I'll be back Friday night.

For Your Eyes Only

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Runtime: 128 minutes

Directed by: John Glen

Starring: Roger Moore, Carole Bouquet, Topol, Julian Glover, Lynn-Holly Johnson

From: United Artists

I wasn't planning on seeing this again last night; that's just how it worked out. Then again I don't mind watching this, as this is one of the best ones that Roger Moore did. After I review this I'll list in what order I have all the Moore Bond films. I already talked about The Living Daylights a few years ago so the next time I see a Bond film, it'll be Licence To Kill, definitely a late 80's action film, but I say that in a good way. I'll talk about all that sometime later, though.

This movie, it's definitely less outrageous than the last few entries in the franchise. While Moonraker made a boatload of money at the time, it wasn't a critical favorite. This was more subdued and was rather simple yet effective: Bond has to try and retrieve a British communication device that was stolen from a sunken ship before the evil Soviets or anyone else could acquire it and order the missiles on the British sub to fire upon the British. Along the way 007 deals with Melina Havelock, who is looking for revenge as her parents were killed by a hitman; as the dad was looking for the sunken ship, that's how Bond gets involved with her.

While it isn't as extravagent as the last few movies, it still is rather exciting and interesting to watch, with a fun story, some great action scenes, and nice scenery... and I don't mean Carole Bouquet, although I do think she is great to look at. You go from Spain (where Bond briefly sees a woman at a pool who in real life is a transsexual; the press made a big deal out of it but you only see her in one short scene; also, there's a great chase involving some Peugeot sedans chasing after 007 and Melina's Citroen 2CV; it's like an original Beetle in that it's small and has a low-horsepower engine; how that economical car gets away is awesome) to an Italian village in the mountains then Greece. All are pretty to look at and while this is a more serious entry (where you get to see 007 do some harsh things) you still have one-liners from Bond, which is always welcome.

Also, I did enjoy the groovy funky disco-esque score from Bill Conti. It was different from the norm but it worked for the movie and I thought it was rad. And I did laugh at the relationship between Bond and a female figure skater who is like 18 at the most and he actually resists her advances, probably to avoid seeming like a dirty old pervert!

Oh, and lol to the opening before the credits where James Bond dispatches of a guy whose face was never seen but obviously was supposed to be Blofeld. What a great middle finger to Kevin McClory, a guy who gave the Bond producers many problems for his involvement in Thunderball and then various lawsuits and his claiming to the ownership of the Blofeld character, which is why he hadn't been used since Diamonds are Forever and obviously they did not need the character any longer.

Before I leave and come back Monday night, here's how I rate the Moore films.

1. The Spy Who Loved Me

2. For Your Eyes Only

3. Octopussy

4. Man With The Golden Gun

5. Live And Let Die

6. View To A Kill

7. Moonraker

The ABC's of Death

The ABC's of Death (2012)

Runtime: 129 minutes

Directed by: 27 different directors! This is a film of 26 different shorts, after all

Starring: A whole slew of people, none of whom you've heard of before

From: Drafthouse Films

This is a movie I have referenced before, as I have known about it for who knows how many months now, and it's quite the concept and it is impressive they were able to pull in all those people for the project. You can look at IMDb to see all the talent but there are some big names present, especially if you follow the recent horror scene closely. I saw this via Xbox Video and as it's apparently getting a limited release soon (it's played at some random screenings in the past) the price was 800 Microsoft Points, definitely more than usual. I paid up and watched it that way.

The gimmick: 27 different directors (that includes a duo that works as one) were given 5 thousand dollars each and were given a letter of the alphabet, and they had to make some sort of horror short that was 5 minutes or less. Otherwise they coulld do whatever the hell they wanted to. This is why you have a great variety, from Claymation to animation, slasher to satire, gore to bathroom humor, and seemingly everything in between. More than one of them I am not even sure are really horror movies.

Unfortunately, I thought that the majority of the shows were C as in Crap!

I won't be discussing each of the 26 segments, as that'd take forever and I don't know if anyone cares that much for such an extensive breakdown. But, I say that there are some real good segments and a few that were alright. The rest of them, though... they were a mix of confusing, pointless, insulting, WTF (and not just the segment entitled W as in WTF), complete nonsense, offensive, or a mix of all of them. Lord knows I am not the only one who thinks that the majority of the segments are misses, whether or not they are film critics, horror website reviews, or fan opinions. Sure, there's definitely some disagreements as to which ones are the best, but the point stands. Personally, two of my favorites were a segment that pretty much involves furries (yes; it was like a Tex Avery cartoon, believe it or not) and another one that was in there because the guy won a contest. Oh, and there was another one that pretty much entirely is about masturbation!

The worst one (and there are several contenders for this) has to be Ti West's segment, M is for Miscarriage. It's obvious what it is about, but it's completely lazy and uninspired. That is even worse than the offensive nature of the short. I mean, there are definitely some offensive material in this movie, to make it clear. While I say that there are more misses than hits, at least with many of them there were attempts at creativity. It definitely does not always work but there were attempts at least. West's short was just awful in every way. Between that, his segment in V/H/S and The House of the Devil, why does he have so many fans? At least it seems like there's a backlash against him now amongst more than a few in the horror community.

I would say not to watch this on Xbox Video or in a theatre or later on DVD; wait until Netflix Instant or Redbox. Unfortunately, that is about as much as this failed experiment is worth. I really do with that this and V/H/S would have been better, as I usually think that independent/foreign horror is a lot more interesting than the staid and weak mainstream horror we have usually gotten in recent years. It was a greatly ambitious idea that sad to say did not live up to its premise. If you do see it you can decide for yourself which segments are your favorite.

I'll be back Saturday afternoon.

Moonraker

Moonraker (1979)

Runtime: 126 minutes

Directed by: Lewis Gilbert

Starring: Roger Moore, Michael Lonsdale, Lois Chiles, Richard Kiel, Corrine Clery

From: United Artists

I figured it was about time to do another Bond film as it's been a few months. I am trying to get back in order so it required me to watch this again, even though I wasn't really looking forward to the task. This isn't one of my favorite Bond movies, I'll put it that way.

The plot concerns the odd Hugo Drax (Lonsdale) who is extremely rich (he owns a fancy castle which looks like it's in France even though it's supposed to be in California; they try to explain it away but it doesn't quite work) and owns a company that manufactures space shuttles. Turns out, he is crazy and has somehow constructed a space station without anyone finding out. It will be used to host the finest of the human race as the rest of the humans will be killed by a toxin that harms them but not plants or animals. The journey starts off in California before going to Venice (Italy, not California or Florida), Brazil, and then... outer space, where things get REALLY ridiculous and implausible.

It's a shame that I agree with the consensus that this is one of the worst of all the Bond movies; I mean, the locations all are quite pretty and there are some great action scenes, from the cold open involving being thrown out of an airplane and the legit awesome stuntwork that was done, as it was none of that fake-looking CGI crap; instead they did it practically with real stuntpeople. There are other quality action moments. 007 fights a guy who is Japanese and of course knows martial arts and dresses like a samurai! That was sweet.

But the story and how it's quite similar to The Spy Who Loves Me, that doesn't help matters, nor does it help how preposterous it is (even compared to the last one). The story is what turns me off the most, along with all the humor and how much of it doesn't work. I mean, you see a pigeon do a double-take! And there is plenty of footage that is undercranked or overcranked to make it faster or slower than it was originally filmed.

I won't complain about how you can't believe what you see, especially once you get to outer space. You can nitpick that all to death for having what seems like hundreds of logic flaws and things that make no sense. It at least is filmed pretty well and looks real good even in 2013. But the villain looking like a grown-up Eddie Munster (to steal a quote) which doesn't help his cause. It is best described as an off-kilter performance and if that is what they were going for, it worked. It was low-key, for sure. At least he said some pretty amusing lines and admits to wanting to kill 007 in creative ways. There are some pretty atrocious one-liners that sometimes make zero sense, though. Jaws returned and like the rest of the movie, it's pretty silly and light in tone, which doesn't always work.

While this has its moments, overall this is among the worst of the Moore Bond movies. Once I see them all I'll officially list where I rank them from best to worst. I'll be back Thursday night with something completely different.

I'll Be Back Tomorrow Night

Due to circumstances beyond my control (including having a parent purchase a new laptop, so I had to assist them with that) I won't be making what I expected to do tonight, or even a plan B. I'll be doing the plan B tomorrow; it'll be one of my usual reviews.