Some Quick Notes

In this, the last blog post I am doing for 2012, I just have a few quick things to say. I WILL be back Tuesday night with a review, though.

I still have not tried to do anything with the free trial of Epix; I wrote about it recently but I tried to watch one movie on there and I had massive problems in having the file stream with any consistency. Plus, just trying to scroll through all of their selections is a major hassle and how Hulu and Netflix (which is going through another extended outage now, from what I hear) does it is much more effective. And hell, their search function is incredibly broken. Yep, their online service is total crap, even though I imagine their cable channels are much better.

As for a Best of 2012 list, that won't come for another few weeks, I am predicting. I will eventually make my way to the theatre to see the likes of Django Unchained, for example. I probably will also rent a movie or two that I should have seen on the big screen but I failed to do so.

Like I said, I'll be back soon.

Spaceballs

Spaceballs (1987)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: Mel Brooks

Starring: Bill Pullman, Daphne Zuniga, John Candy, Rick Moranis, Mel Brooks

From: MGM

Looking through my pile of Blu-Rays I decided to pick out a film I have seen many times before, including on Blu-Ray during the time I have had this blog. Now it is the time for me to talk about what has to be one of my favorite films; I've seen this too many times to count, whether on VHS tape, on television, on DVD, on Blu-Ray, and even a few years ago, on the big screen when a joint in Orlando briefly showed old movies on the big screen during the weekend. The crowds when I went were rather scarse, so no wonder they stopped doing it. A shame, I say. At least I got to see this in front of a small crowd and we all laughed together at the whole barrage of jokes and humor. Sure, not all of it works but a lot of it does, and there are so many memorable lines (the majority of which I have memorized) that's why I am able to watch this without getting tired of the film.

I am sure that everyone knows the plot of the film, a spoof of Star Wars where the bad guys are looking to steal the air of Planet Druidia and the princess of the planet is also kidnapped by them, so Lone Starr and his sidekick Barf (a mawg, half man and half dog, he's his own best friend) have to do battle to try and rescue her. If you are a fan of the Star Wars series you should especially enjoy this.

I realize that there's a strong love/hate thing with this film, where people either have a fiery hot passionate love for this or they hate it with much fury and anger. Interesting, really. I can't explain why it's so polarizing but I am glad this is something I treasure and haven't grown tired of. Note that I have never seen Spaceballs: The Animated Series, from a few years ago. I presume that most don't know it even exists, and from what I have heard it is atrocious and a big shame given that Brooks was involved with it. If only they would have made Spaceballs 2: The Search For More Money.

I'll be back Monday afternoon where I'll talk about a few things.

Deathrow Gameshow

Deathrow Gameshow (1987)

Runtime: 82 minutes

Directed by: Mark Pirro

Starring: John McCafferty, Robyn Blythe, Darwyn Carson, Beano

From: Pirromount Productions

Here is something incredibly obscure I found out earlier in the month from a messageboard post. Someone had gotten the film from Netflix via disc and it came with another unrelated film. That person said that this was definitely low-budget but is good if you love tasteless humor. All of this is true. I then looked for any clips of it on YouTube and there was one in incredibly bad video quality but I still saw something that literally made me laugh out loud. More on that later.

On a whim I decided to check out the online version of Epix, which is a series of premium cable channels that some providers offer, but not the one I have. They have some interesting things on there, and they have a Drive-In channel which shows the type of films you'd expect on a channel with the name and I would LOVE to have that. Anyhow, they had this film so I decided to watch it. I'll have to talk about this in a few days in a post where I don't review a film, but their online streaming service (which I signed up for a free 14 day trial) is God-awful and pitiful compared to Netflix and Hulu. Several times for no reason when I tried to watch this, the stream would stop for no reason and I'd have to go back and load it up again... it was incredibly aggravating and I highly doubt I'll try to watch anything else during my free trial.

As for a description of this, let me “borrow” from IMDb: “Chuck Toedan's the host of a gameshow featuring death row convicts competeing in life-or-death contests in hopes of cheating the executioner or, at the very least, winning some nice prizes for their next of kin. Not surprisingly, Chuck has made more than a few enemies, from outraged viewers trying to ban his show, to families of losing contestants looking for revenge. A hitman hired by one such family has shown up at Chuck's office, and he'll need to enlist the help of his most outspoken critic to keep from ending up like most of his contestants.”

As I said already, the movie is filled with bad taste, as you can guess from the plot description. It's real low-budget, so there isn't much gore to speak of at all. To give you a taste of the type of humor involved, the TV station is named KSIK, his female enemy (and obvious Gloria Steinem parody) is named Gloria Sternvirgin, and the hostess of the show is named Shanna Shallow.

But, this scene (the one on YouTube) is darkly hilarious. An old man is hooked up to an electric chair and there are sensors on his “wang dang doodle.” If he gets excited while watching the hostess do a dance known as THE DANCE OF THE SEVEN BONERS. She's in lingerie and dances seductively around him, and she ends up taking off her bra. There are several girls who go topless. This does not arouse the guy, so he wins. But, the male host (who really does look like a gameshow host) puts his hand on his shoulder while talking to him, and that immediately produces a boner and he gets electrocuted! Yep, that's a shining example of what to expect here.

Overall, while I say that the first half of the movie is better than the second (some really dumb things are done in the latter half which brings things down), overall it is still worth a look, especially if you enjoy that sort of humor. I understand Code Red is putting it out on DVD in about 2 months time. And really, I think that most TV these days is complete garbage, especially “reality” television, and with the bottom-feeder crap on, is it so hard of a stretch to believe that there really would be a program on which deals with death row contestants competing to get pardoned? I say it's not as far-fetched as it was 25 years ago. And this may have the potential to be a brutally on-point gory satire if remade by someone.

I'll be back Saturday afternoon.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Runtime: 84 minutes

Directed by: Jalmari Helander

Starring: Onni Tommila, Jorma Tommila, Tommi Korpela, Per Christian Ellefsen

From: Cinet

Here is something I've had in my collection for awhile but have never watched... until now. What a better time to do it than on Christmas Eve, given that this Finnish tale is a rather bizarre tale where on Christmas Eve, a boy and his reindeer-herding father deal with the ramifications of a group of English-speaking men searching and finding the corpse of Santa Claus, who is actually evil! See what I mean about this being bizarre? And I don't think I need to say that the corpse doesn't stay a corpse for long...

I pretty much already told you what the plot was. It takes place in Finland and I don't want to give too much away but it is centered around a young kid and his rough and tumble dad; he's a single parent too, so you can figure out what the dynamic is then. The kid hangs out with an older boy who is also the son of a reindeer-herder. The characters act like what you'd expect and none of them you hate, even the gruff and sometimes rude parental figures. I don't want to reveal much more as a lot of fun is finding out what's next, as there are various surprises along the way and I'll leave it at that. It wasn't what I was expecting going in, which is both good and bad for various reasons. There is rather dark humor throughout, too.

Besides the strange story and the performances, there is also the pretty scenery. It is set in a rural village in Finland and it's a very pretty area, with plenty of snow-covered trees, snow-covered mountains, and well, snow-covered just about everything. It sets the mood and almost makes you feel cold, literally.

If you want to see a one of a kind movie about Jolly Old Saint Nick that is unlike anything you've come across before, then check this out. I wouldn't say it's great as I've heard from some places, as some parts I can carp about, but it's still good and I can see why it's already become a cult hit.

I'll be back Thursday night. I hope everyone has a nice holiday season.

Home Alone/Home Alone 2

Yep, today for the holiday season I decided to talk about these two films from my childhood, which I both saw on the big screen with my parents way back when. The first one I was pretty familiar with as I had seen parts or all of it a number of times throughout the years (including as an adult) but the second one I hadn't seen in full in many years. I figured it was time to watch both and talk about them here.

Technically, how I saw the first yesterday was that I watched the movie while listening to a podcast from a site where some people did a commentary track for the movie and while they spent a lot of time clowning on the movie and how there's so many coincidences and the villains take a superhuman amount of punishment... that said, they still say they love this piece of nostalgia from their childhood despite how it's easy to laugh at things as an adult.

Home Alone 2... yeah, it's pretty ridiculous how it's such a carbon copy of the first. Plus, talk about contrivances, I thought the first was silly but the sequel and how Kevin ended up in New York, preposterous. You could really tear apart this movie, even more so than the first one. Plus, I don't think it needed to be 2 hours even; it should have been around the same as the first one.

Now, Tim Curry as the hotel concierge was great as hey, it's Tim Curry, and his underling Rob Schneider was actually tolerable considering it's Rob Schneider. There were some real sappy moments but they were fine if you're into such things. The traps for The Wet Bandits... it tops the first for sure and it makes things even more cartoony in the amount of punishment they can take and they still can get up instead of getting maimed or even killed. Plus, Uncle Frank singing Cool Jerk in the shower, that was the first time I heard that tune, and Cool Jerk is pretty awesome.

Now, it was nice to see the second after all these years, but overall the first one is the best. At least the both are watchable as an adult, as least if you saw it as a kid first. The other sequels I've never even seen, but I've heard real bad things about the third and fourth and believe it or not just a few weeks ago a fifth one made its debut on ABC Family (with Malcolm McDowell and Ed Asner!) and I have a feeling that one is no good. 

I'll be back Monday night for an appropriate Christmas Eve review, even if it may be on the twisted side.

Revenge of the Nerds

Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Jeff Kanew

Starring: Robert Carradine, Anthony Edwards, Timothy Busfield, Ted McGinley, Donald Gibb

From: 20^th Century Fox

I apologize for this being up later than planned but today was real long and I did not get to much sleep last night, and I do not feel 100% either. In short, early this morning-soon before I was going to go to bed-I found out that I was going to become an uncle to twins, rather than it happening after this month as planned. Needless to say it was hard to get sleep with that revelation. But yes, everyone is fine now.

I decided to go and review this, which I hadn't before; that's a surprise as this is one I've seen all or parts of many times before and I've always enjoyed, from the first time I saw it at probably too young an age to now as an adult. I am sure everyone knows the story of how this is about a pair of nerds meeting up with a bunch of outcasts (including someone who is Japanese and another guy who is flamboyantly gay; hey, it was the 80's...)-including some people you periodically see throughout but they're never given any lines and those nerds are just random dudes, such as that guy that looks like Harpo Marx-and they end up feuding with a frat filled with jock preps known as the Alpha Betas at the fictional Adams College.

Turns out, I still really enjoy the film. Sure, it's funny often, there's plenty of female nudity and there are many memorable lines and moments. But what I dig about this is that all the characters are enjoyable, from the good guys to even the shitheel villains. Everyone is fine, from the people I mentioned to small roles from the likes of Bernie Casey and John Goodman as a stereotypical football coach.

Sure, some things in this movie wouldn't fly in 2012 (the good guys being voyeurs and installing cameras to spy on a sorority for double-crossing them, the lead guy going in disguise and pretending to be the bad guy so that he could have sex with the bad guy's girl... that's not in the best taste) but that's OK and you shouldn't get too mad about it, I say. I mean, you can't stay mad when you see such 80's things as that finale rap/song thing, dancing while stoned to Thriller, the fashion, and the new wave-esque 80's ditties you hear throughout. Like I said, I still really enjoy this film. The sequels... talk about "diminishing returns" but maybe one of these days I'll talk about those.

I'll be back Saturday night, unless I keep on feeling crappy.

An Evening With Miami Connection

Back in September, I watched a YouTube upload (long since taken down) of the late 80's movie known as Miami Connection, a film that was rediscovered by happenstance a few years ago and it got a slow release from Drafthouse Films. I did my review and since then it's actually gotten a backlash from a segment of the Internet audience (including some people I know) for it being “overrated” as a bad movie experience; sure, there are funnier and shittier bad movies out there that a segment of the movie audience would go bananas for in the same way they did with this if those films got the same treatment that MC did. It doesn't mean that MC is a bad time; indeed, it's still a blast to watch for the reasons I mentioned in the review. It's pretty terrible but it is a blast to watch. Anyhow...

They put it out in limited release this fall and finally this past weekend it came to the appropriate place of Orlando, as it was mainly set and filmed in that city, despite the title. It was at the local indie/arthouse joint, The Enzian. I've been there a good number of times before and I knew this is where any screenings would happen. 

The film did so well this past weekend that there are two more midnight screenings the last weekend of the year. Many (but not all) of the seats were filled at my screening. I got there early to sit at their patio bar to have some drinks then I lined up to get in. There as special guests was Angelo Janetti (i.e. the guy who in the film looks like Oates from Hall & Oates; he now has a goatee) and Maurice Smith (i.e. OH MY GOD! i.e. The Black Guy)... and Grandmaster Y.K. Kim himself. He runs Martial Arts World in Orlando. A number of his students were there to see the film. Before it started, the three said some things and Kim can still do the splits at his old age. His English skills are not that much better than they were 25 years ago, but oh well.

The screening went pretty well. There was a lot of cheering and of course plenty of laughter too. Even Kim admitted beforehand that the movie isn't great on a technical level. I am glad I got to see it on the big screen with a crowd as that's the best way to see it. I still like this motion picture despite the surprising backlash it's gotten.

I'll be back Thursday night.

All I Wanna Do

AllI Wanna Do (a.k.a. Strike!, a.k.a. The Hairy Bird; 1998)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: Sarah Kernochan

Starring: Gaby Hoffman, Kirsten Dunst, Lynn Redgrave, Rachael Leigh Cook

From: Alliance

Yep, it's been too long since I've seen a Rachael film so I figured I should finally watch something I recorded off of an Encore channel last month but put off until tonight.

The plot of this: this is set in the early 60's in a random Northeastern town and revolves around an all-girls school. Odette (Hoffman; there's a name from the past) gets sent there by her parents, basically because they caught her about to have sexual intercourse with her boyfriend. She has to room with the mischief-makers of the school, including Dunst, Monica Keena, and Heather Matarazzo. They end up crossing paths with the leader of the school (Redgrave) and one of the hall monitor types (Cook) who try to control those rowdy dames. When the bad girls find out that their school is likely to merge with an all-boys school, they decide to enact a plan to try and sabotage the annual get-togther where the two school's residents hang out with each other for a day, including a dance and a choir performance.

Overall, this comedy with dramatic moments (for example, Matarazzo's character deals with bullemia) is rather entertaining. I wasn't sure what to expect but I managed to enjoy it. It may sound like a “chick flick” but I say that anyone can enjoy it. There are plenty of funny moments and also some nice ones too. Depending on which girls in the cast you enjoy for hondog reasons, you may or may not feel like a pervert while watching this. Thankfully for me, the ladies I dig the most were around the age of 18 so I did not feel so bad.

Speaking of perverts, the guys from the all-boys school (including the much-beloved Hayden Christensen) acted about how you'd expect; they put together a pot of money and the guy who randomly got to pair with the girl that had the “biggest nay-nays” (i.e. boobs) got the pot. Also, one guy slow-dances with a girl at the dance and out of nowhere... well, he came in his pants! Of course I laugh at such humor. Also, apparently if a guy takes Midol along with drinking Coca-Cola, this makes him feel good. I never knew. This is all part of their plan to sabotage things; the main part is getting the guys drunk and they acted how you would expect.

Oh, and of course I liked looking at Ms. Cook. At one point she had her hair done with Jacqueline Kennedy and I approved of that look. The movie has some interesting lingo, too. For example, the phrase "hairy bird" is used a few times, along with the quite memorable "up your ziggie with a wah-wah brush." I happened to enjoy this movie and if it would have gotten a bigger theatrical release back in the day, then it probably would have gotten the attention I feel it deserves.

I'll be back Tuesday night with a special recap of what I did Saturday night revolving around a movie I talked about a few months ago.

Octopussy

Octopussy (1983)

Runtime: 131 minutes

Directed by: John Glen

Starring: Roger Moore, Maud Adams, Louis Jourdan, Steven Berkoff, Vijay Amritraj

From: United Artists

I know I am still out of order in watching Bond films, but I figured after the bad Friday and the horrible thing that happened in Connecticut, why not watch a Bond that is a little too “punny” at times (and didn't need a Tarzan yell inserted into one scene) but still is quite entertaining, at least to me. I know people seem to have wildly different opinions for this (even more so than a typical Bond movie); despite the hate I still dig this one.

The plot... well, let me steal it from the IMDb: “A fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death leads James Bond to uncovering an international jewel smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy, being used to disguise a nuclear attack on NATO forces.” Yep.

The movie does start off on a good note in what looks like some fictional desert country (might as well call it Val Verde) with 007 flying a personal aircraft all about and causing a massive explosion in an airplane hangar. You then get into the main story, which I won't reveal; yeah, I realize what the movie is actually about isn't made clear for a good amount of time, but unlike the complaint I've heard about it being “boring”, I usually do not think it's dull at all. You do spend a good amount of time in the exotic country of India (at least what you see isn't the worst parts of that country) and then you end up in East Germany, with a rogue Russian general (Berkoff, who devours the scenery... in a good way), a circus, and more.

Like I said it's one of the lighter Bond movies as you have a good amount of humor, even if sometimes it isn't really needed. I do say there's a lot to like, from the comedy of them being able to make a movie called Octopussy, the tremendously wacky thing that Octopussy is, the contact in India (Amritaj, a former tennis player) being a dude you like, to some pretty ladies being present, and then you have nice action scenes overall, from the opening to a lot of action in and all over a train, to the ending where you see some incredible things on a train. You also get plenty of wackiness, such as 007 wearing some less than dignified outfits, to Bond insinuating that Q has problems with erectile dysfunction, to old James being fascinated with a woman's cleavage as if he was a 15 year old boy.

Overall, I still like this film and once I finally rate all the Moore Bond movies, this will be in the top half, I'll put it that way. I'll be back Monday night.

A Lonely Place to Die

A Lonely Place to Die (2011)

Runtime: 99 minutes

Directed by: Julian Gilbey

Starring: Melissa George, Alec Newman, Ed Speleers, Kate Magowan, Holly Boyd

From: Carnaby International

Here's my return to watching something in the horror/thriller genre, as it's been awhile. This is a movie I've known of for awhile as various people on messageboards have plugged it. I just haven't felt like watching it, until last night. It was on a TMC HD channel so I figured that was the perfect time for me to check it out. That was a good decision to see it in HD, as you see quite a bit of real pretty Scottish scenery. You see, this is a UK movie concerning a band of mountain climbers who are in Scotland and want to do some hardcore climbing, but...

They are about to start climbing when they hear a little girl's voice out of nowhere, and turns out, a Serbian girl who doesn't speak a word of English was buried alive in a wooden box but with water and a pipe for air; they dig her out and soon have to run for their lives as they are under attack from the people who buried that youngster.

I'll say that the mountain climbing footage you do see is all well-done, tense, and exciting. Unfortunately you don't see enough of that. At least you do have the aforementioned Scottish scenery. The first half I really enjoyed; besides the area and setting, there are many tense and exciting moments along with getting to meet the main characters, including the bad guys.

The second half, though... things change, and not necessarily for the better. More characters are introduced, things become real confused at times (at least for me), the tone and even the setting changes... and yeah, while there's nice stuff in the second half, overall I think that sinks things and while I didn't hate the film at all, I was disappointed with how it turned out as until that point things were going real well. Even if you didn't want to change any of the elements in the story, if things would have been made clearer, some things cut out and maybe not so many characters then I think things would have been better for sure. But, many people seem to enjoy the entire film so it's always possible I just have weird tastes. If only I could have rated this as high as I do The Descent.

I'll be back Friday night.

A Goonies Sequel?

I did not have time to watch a film tonight; so instead I'll quickly mention something. Via a random looking at sites where I click on something which led me somewhere, then I clicked on something there to go to another place... it was one of those nights... anyhow, I found a quick article from a place called Geek Tyrant which noted something interesting that Sean Astin said in an IGN interview about the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated show (and I am not sure about that, as someone who was a huge fan as a kid of the original cartoon); he was asked about a Goonies sequel and he was "1000% sure" there will be one sometime in the future. Does he know something no one else does? Oh, if only.

Sure, if I would have seen it for the first time as an adult then I'd probably complain about how there's a lot of yelling overall during the film or how there are various dopey moments, or what have you. But I watched it many times as a kid and loved it, and saw it on the big screen twice as an adult and still had many nostalgia feelings for it so I was able to be a big kid for it and look past any faults. I am sure I will always have nostalgia for that wacky and goofy yet wildly entertaining film. Sloth and Chunk alone make it worthwhile.

If there would be a sequel for it so many years later, I realize there's a strong chance someone will really screw it up along the way and it won't be what so many people are looking for. I am sure there won't be gags like a mouthy kid saying the wrong thing as a translator to a Hispanic maid in order to scare her or the cock and balls of a classical statue being broken off and gags being present about gluing it back on (only in the 80's would you have that in a PG film); if it ever happens and I'm still doing this blog, of course I'll do a review.

I will be back Wednesday afternoon and this time I'll be reviewing some sort of motion picture.

Blood Simple

Blood Simple (1984)

Runtime: 96 minutes (the Director's Cut, anyhow, which is what I watched)

Directed by: Joel, Ethan Coen

Starring: John Getz, Frances McDormand, Dan Hedaya, M. Emmet Walsh, Samm-Art Williams

From: River Road Productions

I decided to do something different from the odd genre films I've watched the past few weeks. I instead watched this movie for the first time (I know, I know) due to it being shown last night on the MGMHD channel. I figured that was perfect for me as I had a feeling this would be the sort of movie I'd like from the Coen's, a duo that to be honest I usually don't care for.

The plot, even though I am sure most know it: A bar owner in Texas (Hedaya) discovers that his wife (McDormand) is cheating with one of his employees (Getz, he looks like a cross between John Ritter and Tommy Lee Jones). He asks a big lout of a private investigator (Walsh) to murder his wife and her lover for 10,000 bucks. But things really go awry as much confusion and misunderstandings happen-even with me a few times-and things get real hot and sweaty in the middle of nowhere, Texas.

Despite some moments that made me go “huh?” and I can't fully explain it, this was a film I did manage to enjoy quite a bit; I am glad I finally saw it. The movie certainly is great at such things as mood, atmosphere, tension... and sweatiness. Some guys sweat quite a bit in the Lone Star State. Walsh's character was definitely the most memorable. He was loud, obnoxious, boisterous, but also scary at times, although not as much so as Hedaya. He looked real angry and real creepy at times.

What is the most impressive besides the cast being small and yet the movie not being boring or how this was the debut for the Coen's is that there are long stretches of no dialogue and yet you never lose interest in the film. There's one stretch in particular that is like longer than 10 minutes and while the only voices you hear is music and then DJ chatter from a radio station, and yet that was always suspenseful due to what was going on. The score and various sound effects (even the loud motion of ceiling fans) always made things interesting and helped make things not dull.

As this was the Director's Cut (which is actually a few minutes shorter than the original version) it allowed them to be able to use the Four Tops' It's The Same Old Sound to memorable effect; they weren't able to do that for rights reasons since it was originally in theatres. Like I said, it was about time I saw this.

I'll be back Monday night.

Take A Hard Ride

Take A Hard Ride (1975)

Runtime: 103 minutes

Directed by: Antonio Margheriti (i.e. the guy who directed many Italian films, including the infamous Yor: The Hunter From The Future)

Starring: Jim Brown, Fred Williamson, Lee Van Cleef, Jim Kelly, Catherine Spaak

From: 20^th Century Fox

The past few weeks I wasn't planning on watching both blaxploitation and Westerns; it just turned out that way. Last week I stumbled upon this movie, where the two are combined, and figured it'd be perfect to talk about here. Plus, what a cast of badasses.

The plot: Pike (Brown) works doing ranch hand things for his rich boss Morgan. The boss dies of a heart attack, but not before telling Pike to take 86,000 bucks down to his ranch in Mexico for his family. Everyone finds out about this, from a bounty hunter (Van Cleef, of course) to a huckster known as Tyree who lets loose snakes to cheat at cards (Williamson). Pike and Tyree form an uneasy alliance as they travel down to Mexico while dealing with the threat of the bounty hunter and others, while meeting up with such characters as a redhead prostitute from New Orleans (Spaak) and a half-Indian half black guy who has his tongue cut out but knows martial arts. A preposterous character, but pretty cool too and believe it or not he was played by the decidedly not mixed Jim Kelly.

The movie... it's not as awesome as it could have been given the cast, but it's still an entertaining time; there's plenty of sons of bitches who get shot and there's both intentional and unintentional comedy. For example, everything revolving around Kelly's character. After all, legendary cowboy Harry Carey Jr. is also in this movie and his character is in the desert, squatting down and taking a dump with Van Cleef gets the jump on him. Carey's character's name... DUMPER. No kidding. I laughed and laughed.

This movie was actually filmed in the Canary Islands but it is a nice replacement for the actual American Southwest and there are some unique locations you see during the film. A proto-machine gun gets used... yeah, like I said this movie is entertaining even if I was hoping for something to knock my socks off. Oh, and as of this moment the movie is on YouTube. It's not too hard to find.

I'll be back Saturday night.

Hard Ticket To Hawaii

Hard Ticket To Hawaii (1987)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: Andy Sidaris

Starring: Ronn Moss, Dona Spier, Hope Marie Carlton, Harold Diamond

From: Malibu Bay Films

Yep, tonight I decided to see another Andy Sidaris film, this time one that is more like the ones he became famous for, combining intrigue with big-breasted women taking off their tops, outlandishness with sunny tropical locations... along with more action and explosions.

The plot: Some local cops discover a drug operation; it is financed by diamond smuggling. When a pair of DEA agents who happen to look like Playboy Playmates (Spier, Carlton) stumble upon them being delivered by a remote control helicopter-they find two containers full but lose track of one of them-they get hassled by the bad guys who want to find both containers. Oh, and a giant snake that is evil because it was fed CANCER-STRICKEN RATS (their words) by the government in an experiment is on the loose. The ladies are also helped by the cousin of the hero of Malibu Express (who became a movie star, and appeared in a movie called Malibu Express, allowing the film to be meta and show off a poster for it) and his pal.

The plot really isn't important. Rather, it's intrigue and such things as cross-dressing, bloody gunfights, and a lot of outlandishness. In fact, several scenes from it have become famous online. Someone put together them and some others into a 10 minute video on YouTube, which is below. It is better to watch that than me try to describe all the wackiness.

There aren't as many different pairs of breasts as in Malibu Express but some of them you see a few times each. There's some padding (not bra-padding... not too many bras are worn in this movie at all) but it's with goofy characters so you aren't bored by it. It includes a sportscaster and a totally sexist server at a restaurant. Overall, the movie isn't technically great but boy is it entertaining, with dialogue that is pretty funny at times, whether intentional or not. With the great Hawaiian scenery, mellow late 80's music and some funny 80's fashion, this is quite the film.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

So...

My schedule changed and I had to do something tonight; to add some form of content, here's my tentative list so far (in no particular order) of the best movies I've seen in 2012 so far. At the end of the year I will come up with an official order, with links to all the reviews and brief comments on all the films. Plus, I have a feeling that at least one movie coming out in December will end up on the list.

The Raid

Skyfall

The Grey

Chronicle

Expendables 2

God Bless America

American Reunion

Haywire

Dredd 3D

I'll be back Monday and I promise that I will have watched at least one film by then.

Shanghai Joe

Shanghai Joe (Il Mio Nome e Shanghai Joe) (1973)

Runtime: 94 minutes

Directed by: Mario Caiano

Starring: Chen Lee, Piero Lulli, Carla Romanelli, Gordon Mitchell, Klaus Kinski (yes, that's right)

From: C.B.A. Produttori e Distributori Associati

Here's another film from one of the collections of public domain Westerns I got on Monday. The blurb on the back said that this was a guy from the Far East in the Old West; believe it or not there were a handful of those back in the 70's, doing it long before Shanghai Noon in the late 90's. I then looked it up and saw that it featured legendary crazyman Klaus Kinski, and that seemed like a good reason to see something that sounded so odd. Turns out, it was greatly entertaining.

The plot: Shanghai Joe (Lee) emigrates to the Old West from China and experiences a whole lot of prejudice. Despite this, he remains noble and well-spoken. However, when he has to, he will unleash a whole lot of martial arts fury. He comes across an evil rancher who illegally uses Mexican labor (Lulli) and after pissing him off, the rancher hires some goons with wacky names like Scalper Jack (Kinski), Pedro the Cannibal, Tricky the Gambler, and Burying Sam, to try and take him out. He also engages in some interracial romancin' with a lovely Mexican lady (actually played by Italian Romanelli).

The movie was definitely better than I expected from some wacky Spaghetti Western production from Italy that was cashing in on the then-new martial arts craze. As I already stated, Joe was a noble character who spoke well and wasn't a crazy vengeful person. That was a nice touch. Yet, he also did things like punch a guy through his chest, knock out a bull when he was forced into a bullfighting ring, and even ripped out a dude's eyeball, so... this is an Italian production so there is indeed sleaze. Plenty of racial slurs are heard, and not just against Asians but also Hispanics, African-Americans, and Native Americans. The goons with the wacky names were certainly over the top, but also memorable and I wish we could have gotten more screentime with them. Alas, I still enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would.

The film is like a videogame, really. Joe travels through various areas, deals with bad guys and he has big battles before moving onto the next area. Yes, he even uses martial arts against Kinski's character (Scalper Jack), but in a unique way; Jack crippled Joe's legs with bullets so he has to use different ways to do battle against him, and it's pretty cool. Kinski delivered the unique Kinski performance.

People in this film look like 70's-era Kris Kristofferson, a fat Richard Dreyfuss circa Jaws, Jerry Garcia in the last years of his life, and even modern-day Dolph Lundgren. That guy was Burying Sam, played by Mitchell. He was a bodybuilder who went to Italy in the early 60's to make sword and sandal films, and he stayed there after that trend died out. He also happened to look like Dolph at the time.

While I wish the movie wasn't in fullscreen and panned and scanned from its original widescreen release, it otherwise was something nice that I stumbled upon. As it's public domain it's not hard to find on YouTube; two different copies are uploaded as of now.

I'll be back Friday night.

God's Gun

God's Gun (Diamante Lobo) (1976)

Runtime: 94 minutes

Directed by: Gianfranco Parolini

Starring: Lee Van Cleef, Jack Palance, Sybil Danning, Richard Boone, Leif Garrett (yes, Leif Garrett)

From: Golan-Globus (yes, the guys behind Cannon)

So, I haven't seen too many Spaghetti Westerns in my life; I decided to try and fill that hole by watching this, a movie I only heard about earlier in the year. A movie filmed in Israel and produced by the guys who would form the tremendous 80's studio known as Cannon Films, with that cast... it certainly sounded promising to me.

The plot, which I am stealing from the back of a public domain collection of Spaghetti Westerns I got today: “A retired gunslinger heads to Juno City to seek revenge upon the man who murdered his twin brother, the local parish priest.” Not too surprisingly, Palance was the bad guy, and Van Cleef played the twin brothers. Also, “Juno City”... I can't help but shudder whenever I hear the word Juno, due to that terrible film, but that's another topic for another day.

As for the film... it's definitely uneven. Some parts were lame. But there were some great parts too. Palance and his band of sleazy (and sleazy-looking) ruffians certainly did a lot to make themselves evil bastards. For example, their love of fondling and raping women, which you do see some of throughout. When you see Palance walk in on some members of his gang in their saloon trying to have their way with some ladies, he sees this and... starts cackling out loud. Yep, it's that kind of movie. 

There's also plenty of wackiness with the plan that the gunslinger uses to get revenge, and I'll leave it at that. Like I said, this is uneven but it's not awful either. It has the stereotypical Spaghetti Western musical score, which is not a bad thing. I wish it would have been awesome considering the talent involved (Leif is not included in what I call “talent”; he was annoying at times, to say the least); that said, it was still an acceptable watch.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

Malibu Express

Malibu Express (1985)

Runtime: 100 minutes

Directed by: Andy Sidaris

Starring: Darby Hinton, Sybil Danning, Art Metrano, Shelley Taylor Morgan

From: Malibu Bay Films

Here's the first film in a set of movies I got awhile back but hadn't tried to start watching until last night. It is part of Girls, Guns & G-Strings: The Andy Sidaris Collection which you can find online at Amazon for only a few bucks. The late Mr. Sidaris directed various sports programs then made some random films before deciding here to create direct to video films set and filmed in sunny locales featuring plenty of busty women, almost all of whom take off their tops and expose their bare breasts. That's most important of all, even more so than story or acting ability; there seemed to always be a few Playmates who appear in this films.

The plot, as is: Cody Abilene (Hinton; he played Daniel Boone's kid on the 60's TV show of the same name) is a private investigator. He is asked by a Countess who is also involved with a computer company (Danning; not surprisingly, she is one of the ladies who exposes her boobs) to investigate what's going on with the theft of computer secrets to “The Soviets”. What ends up happening is a busy case of wacky individuals, from a fey guy who ends up being a cross-dresser to two muscle-bound thugs. Other characters appear who apparently are only there to pad the run time, like a stereotypical band of hillbillies who always want to race Cody on the streets.

On a technical scale, the movie isn't great. The pacing seems off and I often got the feeling that it wasn't edited the best. The story is actually complex and even when the last few minutes of the movie are someone explaining all of the events, it doesn't always make sense. More time was spent on showing how many ladies find Cody to be arousing. More than a dozen different women end up exposing their breasts! No kidding. One of the women who go topless has the name JUNE KHNOCKERS. Yes, that's how it was spelled. That says a lot about what sort of film this is.

Yet, while there isn't a lot of action (I have heard the later movies he did had more of that) it is still a rather entertaining movie for the goofy lark it is. The hero-who drives a red DeLorean and carries around a cowskin case!-is a flawed hero; while he has a .44, his aim is terrible and it's rare for him to successfully hit anything. Danning and Metrano have small roles but as well-known actors don't always appear in Sidaris's films, their contributions are noted. It's a comedy/action/mystery sort of thing and it usually is funny. That makes it an easy watch. The boobs help out too! It's not high art for sure but it is fun to watch if you want to shut off your brain one rainy afternoon or evening. It's not painful at all; you should enjoy all the goofy moments and how Mr. Sidaris has a small appearance as a dude who drives a big RV with his wife.

So overall I am glad I finally saw one of his films. I've known about them for many years and it was about time. I'll be back Monday night.

Three The Hard Way

Three The Hard Way (1974)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Directed by: Gordon Parks

Starring: Jim Brown, Fred Williamson, Jim Kelly, Alex Rocco

From: Allied Artists

As I had nothing to really watch tonight, I decided to go back to that 4 movie set of Blaxploitation films I got earlier in the year, i.e. the set that had Black Belt Jones. Well, another film in there also happens to star Jim Kelly... along with Jim Brown and Fred Williamson. Now there's an awesome trio. I heard from a messageboard that the movie is quite amazing and filled with the sort of things that a 12 year old would like. That could mean a variety of things so I was interested in it.

The plot, from the IMDb: “The story revolves around a white supremacist plot to taint the United State water supply with a toxin that is harmless to whites but lethal to blacks. The only obstacles that stand in the way of this dastadrly plot are Jim Brown, Fred Williamson and Jim Kelly, who shoot, kick, and karate chop their way to final victory.”

This film... I am actually unsure how to rate it. There are things I enjoyed, for sure. But there are also plenty of dumb moments, which is one thing... but there's also bad plot moments that left me puzzled. There are plenty of sons of bitches who get shot down or die in vehicle explosions (they happen easily) or die via martial arts. But I thought too often if there was something I was missing as the plot made no sense; I wondered why the heroes didn't elaborate for further information to try and solve the case, or why a lackey for the good guys didn't explain more about the bad guy's plot. I laughed at the villain being named Monroe Feather and yet I wondered why the movie is so dumb it'll have you believe that it's easy to transport a 70's van filled with weapons on a cargo plane... AND for reasons unknown to me that van is usually a bright blue GMC Vandura, and other times it's a bright blue Ford Econoline. Those two vans look nothing alike, and yet the film wants you to believe they're the same vehicle. What in the shi...

It's things like that which I don't expect from the director of the original Shaft, you know. That's why I felt disappointed with this, despite there being a good amount of fun action to watch. I did laugh at some things, but not enough. Corbin Bernsen has a real small role in this, because his dad produced this film. There are characters who look like Sharlto Copley and a skinnier Cee-Lo. And my favorite...

The heroes get a lackey of the bad guys and keep him at their place. One of them hires a trio of bikers... lady bikers, who show up and they go and meet the lackey... and then take off their tops for no reason at all. Not that I'm complaining about them being topless. It's implied they sexually torture that guy. Then after two of the heroes briefly talk to him, the ladies show back up, and the lackey literally dies of fright! I'll admit that was great. Unfortunately, I wish I could have loved this more than I did.

I'll be back Friday night. I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving.

The Man From Hong Kong

The Man From Hong Kong (1975)

Runtime: 103 minutes (at least that's the version I saw; I've seen several different runtimes for it, all longer than what I watched)

Directed by: Brian Trenchard-Smith, Yu Wang

Starring: Yu Wang, George Lazenby, Hugh Keays-Byrne, Roger Ward, Sammo Hung

From: Golden Harvest

Here is a film I discovered via clips of it being in Not Quite Hollywood. Those clips, which you can watch here, made the movie look pretty great, although apparently you also discover that the star Wang was a real A-Hole, at least according to those people that worked with him. Finally, I recently discovered a copy of it on YouTube. It's not too hard to find... although who knows how long it'll stay up.

The plot is rather simple: A drug courier from Hong Kong (Hung) is found at Ayers Rock, so Hong Kong detective Fang (Wang) goes down to Sydney. He discovers that there's a colorful drug dealer known as Jack Wilton (Lazenby) and Wilton does not like him being around, so he tries to eliminate him. It's about as simple as that.

This movie... it's a quality film and not just a quality example of the Ozploitation genre. This co-production between Hong Kong and Australia as a story that's simple yet effective and it's a lot of fun. You get to see plenty of action and not just of the kung-fu kind. There's also a big car chase where the cars get utterly destroyed, for example. Wang is apparently not a nice guy in real life and his character came across as an A-Hole, but in a good and funny way, to at least me. 

He steals an innocent's person car to start the chase and he ends up destroying that poor Australian vehicle known as the Chrysler Valiant Charger. He also disobeys constantly his Australian cop pals (Keays-Byrne, Ward), which is a shame as those two blokes are pretty cool guys. But hey, Fang does plenty of bad-ass and awesome things, at least. He has a great lengthy brawl with Stunt Rock's Grant Page (a renowned stuntman) in a Chinese restaurant and it's a great scene; they really destroy that poor place. All that and a groovy 70's score (along with top 10 hit Sky High, by Jigsaw) makes this something I am glad I finally got to see and I am glad I was not disappointed by it.

There are also plenty of things to laugh at (in a positive way), including how Lazenby-to steal a line-looks just like Ron Burgundy! No kidding. Seeing Ron Burgundy as a racist martial arts master who happens to be a suave dude with a totally 70's apartment was quite a sight. Fang gives Sammo Hung a swirly in a jailhouse toilet. One henchman has big hair and a big beard and looks a lot like the Geico Caveman. So yep, plenty to enjoy along with the general fun nature of this film. I'll be back Tuesday night.

A View To A Kill

A View to a Kill (1985)

Runtime: 131 minutes

Directed by: John Glen

Starring: Roger Moore, Christopher Walken, Tanya Roberts, Grace Jones, Patrick Macnee

From: UA

Yep, I have returned, a few hours late but I still returned. I am feeling fine, all things considered. That is all I'll be saying about what happened late Monday afternoon. As I mentioned this film when talking about Skyfall, I figured I should go out of order in talking about Bond movies by discussing this flick, which many 007 fans rank in the lower half of all the films.

The plot: Horse racing, steroids, horses on the juice, and microchips collide together as Bond runs into Max Zorin (Walken) who is a product of World War II experimentation by the Nazi's and is psychotic and yet also happens to be a microchip industrialist. He concocts an incredible plot to flood Silicon Valley in order to create a monopoly in his field. He has May Day as a henchwoman (the one of a kind Jones).

Well, what an 80's-riffic picture, from the movie making snowboarding popular because of what 007 does as improvisation during the quality opening ski scene set in Siberia; I don't know why the movie set that moment to a cover version of California Girls (done by Gidea Park; looking on YouTube, they apparently were a group that did cover medleys of famous 60's artists back in the late 70's and early 80's, including The Beach Boys and The Four Seasons; the more you know), but oh well. There's Grace Jones; enough said. Then there's the awesome Duran Duran title song; the opening credits scene in general is awesome, come to think of it.

The movie... it doesn't always seem like a Bond movie. As cool as that chase scene was involving the fire truck vs. the cops in San Francisco, to steal a line I heard elsewhere, it seemed like something you'd expect in a Hal Needham film. You know, like Cannonball Run, which Moore actually DID appear in, claiming to be Roger Moore the actor (long story; one of these days I should watch that movie in order to explain it, but he pretty much &was& 007 there; you can imagine what the Bond producers thought of that). Then there's the way that Zorin shows how psychotic he is; as soon as he's done with the minions who enable his diabolical plot to destroy Silicon Valley... he gleefully guns them down. It probably isn't a surprise that Moore as an actor did not like that decision by the filmmakers.

Then, there's other things, like how Tanya Roberts (Moore romancing her made him look like a dirty old man due to his advanced age) was a big ditz and annoying at times, how the horse racing stuff dragged at times and ultimately did not play too big a part of the plot, and Moore was just too old for the role at the time. Not to mention, you briefly see a competing Soviet agent played by Fiona Fullerton who comes across as real cool but she vanishes out of nowhere and I wish we could have seen more of her, for sure.

Still, I say this isn't the worst of the Bond movies in general. Walken was Walken so it was mostly good. While he wasn't quite Silva from Skyfall, he was still at least a unique villain who was ahead of his time in knowing that microchips and computers would be a rather important thing in the future.There's some action that's pretty good. When it doesn't drag, it moves at a good pace. And Dolph Lundgren makes his film debut, appearing in one scene as a bodyguard. He was dating Jones at the time (what a couple) and he visited the set that day. They needed an extra extra, so they used him as he certainly looked the part.

Hilariously, Papillion Soo Soo has a small role here; she is best known for being the hooker in Full Metal Jacket who lets the soldiers that “me so horny” and “me love you long time”. At least this wasn't as painful an experience as I thought it would be. I'll be back Sunday night with something different.

So Yeah...

I hate to do this again, but something big in my personal life happened today (I won't get into it except that everyone is fine; yep, I got in a car accident) so I don't feel like doing this again until Friday night. By then I should hopefully be fine-enough to be back to normal.

Skyfall

Skyfall (2012)

91% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 230 reviews)

Runtime: 144 minutes

Directed by: Sam Mendes

Starring: Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Ralph Finnes, Naomie Harris, Judi Dench

From: MGM/Columbia

Finally, last night I was able to check this out in a jam-packed theatre; I had heard much about the movie from messageboards and what have you since it was released in the UK and elsewhere then made its way to North America a few days ago, where I heard mostly strong buzz for it. I was at least hoping it'd be better than Quantum of Solace.

Don't worry, it blew Quantum out of the water.

The plot... I don't want to give too much away (at least what wasn't shown in all the trailers) so I'll just use what the movie has used to describe the plot: “Bond's loyalty to M is tested as her past comes back to haunt her. As MI6 comes under attack, 007 must track down and destroy the threat, no matter the personal cost.”

The first thing I'll mention is that the threat here has nothing to do with the Quantum organization you see in the first two Craig Bond films. The villain here, Silva (a blonde-haired Bardem, who delivers an incredible performance; I've already heard some compare the movie to The Dark Knight in terms of villain and his plan; it's not the worst comparison as I had the same thought. The character and his motivation are great, but Javier was awesome in the role and made it so memorable) is doing things on his own and his plan is vengeance. In some ways I was reminded of Max Zorin, played by Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill. Both have light blonde hair, act rather crazy, and they happen to use the technology of the time rather well. I'll leave it at that. I won't even say where Bond travels to except you see action both in Europe and Far East Asia.

I wasn't sure what to expect action-wise from the director of American Beauty but it turns out, he films it quite well. No shaky-cam or quick-editing crap. Plus, the action itself is quite great. The opening bit before the famed credits and Adele title song (and that song is much better than that crap you got from Quantum) is tremendous and sets the mood perfectly. The story too... it is more of a Bond film than the first two; 007 is happy to bed women, for example, and as you know from the trailers, the new Q shows up. Yet the story is also mature and deals with the lead characters having to deal with serious conflict and doubts about themselves, looking to the future as well as the past.

So all around, this is one of the best films I've seen this year, let alone in comparison to the 007 films of the past 50 years. I give it my highest recommendation. I'll be back Monday night.

Quantum of Solace

Quantum of Solace (2008)

Runtime: 106 minutes

Directed by: Marc Foster

Starring: Daniel Craig, Mathieu Amalric, Olga Kurylenko, Giancarlo Gianni

From: MGM/Columbia

Yep, I saw this for the first time in 4 years (as I mentioned the last time) and at the time I really did not care for the film. It did not compare to Casino Royale, for sure. I figured I should watch it again and give it another go even if I understand you don't need to have this memorized before you check out Skyfall.

The plot: Despite him saying no, 007 is looking for revenge against those who killed his lady Vesper Lynd. He finds out more about the mysterious Quantum organization as he learns about a Eurodouche (the best term for him) known as Mr. Greene who is buying land in Bolivia that appears to be worthless. Bond also meets up with a Russian lady who has an agenda of her own.

Turns out, my opinion of the movie hasn't changed too much from seeing it in November of 2008. The biggest thing which hurts it is that there was the writer's strike which happened right as they turned in the first draft of this script, so of course they couldn't do further drafts as they always do to improve it. It really shows. The story I just don't really care for. The childish feuding between 007 and M, the story being so slight and not really advancing what was presented in Casino Royale, a character being named Strawberry Fields but she's only ID'ed in the film was “Fields”, she wears a trenchcoat for a few minutes as if she was a flasher, her death is a lame version of one of the most famous deaths in the entire Bond franchise... yet on rewatch I thought the first half of the film wasn't that bad, despite the problems and Mr. Greene being a limp and weak villain. But in the second half-when they get to Bolivia-there's just so much stupid it disintegrates like that plane Bond and Camille jump from and they open a parachute 100 feet from the ground but they end up uninjured when they should have been killed instantly... and let's not even talk of the finale with the luxury hotel being built in the middle of nowhere in the desert. That was really bad all around. But, it turns out that the now-famous Stana Katic is the girl in the final scene where Bond gets revenge on a certain guy.

Then, there's the action scenes. There are cool things done, but it's hard to make out as it was filmed with the “hip” and “cool” style of it being both shaky-cam and way too quick editing, making it really hard to enjoy and watch. I really hope that trend dies soon. It ruined things here.

So, with the crap story and the badly filmed action scenes, the movie still isn't any good in 2012. And speaking of no good, the opening credits song from Jack White and Alicia Keys... I've never thought that Jack White was any good and he did not change my opinion of him with that garbage tune. Thankfully Skyfall sounds much better. I'll be back Sunday night to talk about that motion picture.