Twins

Twins (1988)

Runtime: 107 minutes

Directed by: Ivan Reitman

Starring: Arnold, Danny De Vito, Kelly Preston, Chloe Bell, Marshall Bell

From: Universal

Yet another movie I saw as a kid but never revisited as an adult until now. It leaving Prime in a matter of hours after posting of this review is the main reason why. The memories are hazy on whether this was a theatrical experience at the age of 7 or not but I did see the movie on VHS at least once. Years ago, my parents were discussing the film and I was asked if I recalled the scene where Arnold looked at a giant advertisement for Rambo III and mocked Stallone’s physique… no I did not. Now, the feud they had at the time is silly considering they have been bosom buddies for literal decades now.

What I remembered of Twins: only a few fragments. Thus, the key subplot of Marshall Bell, Delivery Man of an expensive item in the trunk of a Cadillac which is stolen by Vincent and is to be delivered to someone named BEETROOT MCKINLEY--there was no memory of that whatsoever. After all these years… while not an 80’s classic, Twins was still a good time. Naturally, the wacky gimmick of “Arnold and Danny De Vito are twin brothers thanks to genetic engineering gone wrong” is amusing throughout; you couldn’t cast better for a genetic marvel than Schwarzenegger and of course De Vito can play “sleazy character” in his sleep.

There aren’t many surprises as Julius leaves his tropical island to finally find his twin yet I still laughed. Of course the naïve Julius changes as he finally is introduced to The Real World and of course the streetwise Vincent changes as he finally experiences brotherly love. Twins is an affable time as the main characters go on their journey which includes a road trip, romance, and some violence. I do laugh now that this was rated PG with all the shootings that occur. At times this was busy w/ subplots but I was still engaged with the film, the madcap premise, and Kelly Preston/Chloe Webb as the love interests. Given a few moments (including what I’ll describe as “a mating pose” from Preston) the movie obviously wasn’t viewed during my teen years!

I did hear years ago that Heather Graham played their mom in the opening; what did surprise me: the soundtrack was more fire than expected. Little Richard, Philip Bailey, Herbie Hancock, The Spinners, and several songs from Nicolette Larson/Jeff Beck/Tony Bozzio, who appear on camera playing music for a few minutes in a club. This was one reason why I was happy for this revisit long overdue, but it had been ages since a review of an Arnold movie also and I thankfully was entertained by something that hadn’t aged too poorly.

Mirror

Mirror (Zerkalo) (1975)

Runtime: 107 hypnotic minutes

Directed by: Andrei Tarkovsky

Starring: Margarita Terekhova, Alla Deminova, Ignat Daniltsev, Oleg Yankovsky, the voice of Arseny Tarkovsky

From: Mosfilm

After a needed day off, I was inspired to finally tackle a movie that hearsay told me was “dense” and “difficult.” Yes, this movie from Andrei Tarkovsky is nonlinear and has an ethereal quality-but the “story” was about the vibes rather than specific plot points, it was not difficult to decipher the points Tarkovsky was trying to make, and just a bit of reading made this unique experience not daunting or something that I should have put off for years. I rate Solaris and Stalker quite highly, so a chance should have been taken much sooner. Alas…

To give a few basics that will help new viewers: the life of Aleksei-a man in his 40’s who is never shown on screen as an adult until we see his right arm during the conclusion-is followed, along with some family members. Interspersed is footage of the Soviets at war; presumably this was to set the mood and establish the time period. Note that elements were taken from Tarkovsky’s life-at least a few plot points, important life events, guilt over past decisions. Furthermore, the director’s wife Larisa and mother Maria had small roles and poems from his poet father Arseny are read throughout by Arseny himself.

In addition, the same actress (Margarita Terekhova) portrayed both Aleksei’s mom and his ex-wife; the Oedipal message is obvious, although I hope that is just a character trait and not a feeling Tarkovsky dealt with personally! Armed with this knowledge, the viewer should also not go into Mirror expecting a traditional plot; instead, focus on the journey as the fragmented memories of a character are examined. Visually and aurally, Mirror was top-notch, a singular achievement.

Writing a review for Mirror, attempting to coalesce my thoughts into coherent words that accurately represent my thoughts concerning this masterpiece: a massive struggle. Instead of spending hours attempting to find the right phrases to describe the feelings, the mood that the picture gave me, I’ll say a few more things. The camera movements, the usage of water, mirrors, wind, and other motifs were all masterly. A few shots and moments will be etched into my memory for ages. What a lyrical look at a flawed character in Aleksei; whether or not this was Andrei Tarkovsky looking into a mirror and presenting a version of himself that is a 100% accurate version of himself-warts and all-is unknown.

Logically, of course a non-traditional picture like this that is lyrical and about emotion rather than a traditional plot/story won’t speak to everyone and they’ll be bumfuzzled by the presentation. Despite my logical mind, the motion picture was a stunning experience that could make you feel the same if viewed at the right time, i.e. you laser-focused and concentrating on the journey.

A Trio of Stooge Shorts

As I posted no proper review today, time to catch up with my Stooge reviews. I haven't seen any in a few days; however, two will be viewed then reviewed on Wednesday.

Corny Casanovas: 

(Short # 139 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges) 

Another minimalist Shemp effort. I say that as there are only two sets (apartment, house) and the only other person in the cast is Connie Cezan, who 50’s TV fans will know as Perry Mason’s secretary. The gimmick is that Cezan is dating all three at the same time without them knowing her ruse. To assuage any fears, she’s a heel because she wants to receive diamond rings, then she’ll skip town from all three Stooges. Don’t worry, no slut shaming to be done here! She is the victim of a pratfall, though.

The opening half is the trio cleaning their bachelor pad apartment as they talk to each other about their fiancés; eventually, they do discover that they all know Mabel… but not before the mayhem they caused to each other. They didn’t need much more than a mop, bucket, bed, davenport (which they reupholstered via sticking tacks in a rifle, which then fires like a Tommy Gun Al Capone would have used), paint, shoe polish and other items you find in a standard home, at least at the time. Some of it echoes moments from the past but I didn’t care as Casanovas was still riotous to me.

The laughs continue when Moe, Larry, & Shemp all meet Mabel, a few minutes after one another. They (the Stooges, I mean) beat the tar out of each other; I mean, more so than typical. As the denouement was quite memorable, Casanovas proved that sometimes you didn’t need a lot to earn belly-laughs for a theatrical crowd.

He Cooked His Goose: 

(Short # 140 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges) 

Deviating from the norm, this did. Only on a few occasions did we see the trio play different characters. In this case, Larry portrayed the owner of a pet shop who is also a philanderer, going out with both Moe’s wife and Shemp’s fiancé. His secretary Miss Lapdale… in fact sits on his lap. Larry in fact keeps his affairs as public as the now-former CEO of Astronomer!

I wanted to like this; however, this was more bizarre than funny. It’s set around Christmas and magically, because Shemp hides in a chimney, suddenly he materializes a Santa costume and wears it. Moe eats birdseed and suddenly starts acting like a bird. Yeah, the idea of Larry attempting to frame the other two so he can continue his cheating ways is a decent one but the execution didn’t really work for me. I also couldn’t tell you why on a few occasions, the viewer hears a musical stinger whenever Larry has an evil thought in his head.

Sure, there are some chuckles along the way; overall, though, it is lamentable that their attempt to not repeat themselves resulted in something I could not rate any higher.

Gents in a Jam: 

(Short # 141 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges) 

This was more what I wanted from the Stooges. They did not need more than an apartment set and another set consisting of two hallways to earn a number of belly-laughs. The premise is that the trio are living in an apartment but they’re in debt to their landlady, portrayed by Kitty McHugh. After mishaps attempting to paint their own apartment to earn some cash, they are still to be evicted… until Shemp’s rich uncle Phineas comes to visit. Of course he’ll pay that debt.

Complications arise when new neighbor Mrs. Duggan visits for a cup of sugar. Another mishap occurs and she loses some of her clothes! That’s a problem when her husband Rocky is “the world’s strongest man.” He was portrayed by Mickey Simpson of Giant fame; as he was 6 foot 6 (i.e. just under 2 meters) he looked like a giant compared to the diminutive Stooges. Many chuckles were had with such items as a bucket of paint, faucets that refuse to work correctly, and a radio.

That’s even before Emil Stika arrives as Phineas. Rocky and the Stooges constantly knock Phineas on his keister as the former attempts to chase down the latter. Arguably, the side players received more focus than the main trio… in this case that is OK. The pace is fast and the final two or so minutes are especially hysterical. McHugh passed away in 1954-I’ll say the circumstances are “upsetting.” On a note that may be humorous to some, even in the world of making Three Stooges shorts, there was drama behind the scenes. For reasons unknown to me, producer Hugh McCollum was dismissed; director Edward Bernds resigned from Columbia out of solidarity.

Jules White directed the rest of the almost 50 shorts left for the Stooges at the studio. He’s great himself yet Bernds deserves plenty of credit for starting out during the mediocre last few efforts from Curly then directing a number of very good or better Shemp shorts, including classics Brideless Groom and Who Done It? I’ll miss his contributions.

Stone Cold

Stone Cold (1991)

Runtime: 92 glorious minutes

Directed by: Craig R. Baxley

Starring: Brian Bosworth, Lance Henriksen, William Forsythe, Arabella Holzbog, Sam McMurray

From: Stone Group Pictures/Vision International

So, do people know that MICHAEL DOUGLAS was one of the producers of Stone Cold?!

Yesterday, discussion on a messageboard informed me that there was briefly a Starman TV show based on the film; there was no memory of that. While I was 5 and 6 when it was on, the show was one I’ve never seen discussed. I learned that Douglas was an executive producer; I went to the IMDb and discovered that he was also a producer for the Starman movie, which made me look at his other producer credits.

Of course I knew of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and how his dad wanted to make it for years. I did not know that he produced this AND Double Impact… yes, the Van Damme movie! According to the database, he was credited on Impact but not on this. Who knew? No better time to finally discuss Stone Cold, I say. I rate it highly only because it’s a hysterical movie that’s technically bad yet has legit talent involved along w/ an amazing-looking former football player who became famous in college for his great look & personality… despite flaming out in the NFL, Brian “The Boz” Bosworth and his mullet appeared in a few 90’s movies.

Stone Cold gives the impression of a parody of a loud, stupid period B-action film, except that the constantly loud, absurd, aggro nonsense was entirely sincere. The Boz played Joe Huff, a loose cannon cop who is forced by the FBI to go undercover in an Aryan Brotherhood biker gang; he has many arrests of bikers, you see. Those bikers not only work with the Mafia, they want to assassinate the judges at the Supreme Court of Mississippi to save one of their members.

Everything about the film is absurd, including our hero and his spectacular head of hair; that’s why Douglas producing something so loud & filled w/ gratuitous nudity is incredible. Those that enjoy period B-action films, however… this is a must. It delivers on the entertainment, whether due to absurdity, the oversized personalities, the macho attitude, the scenarios, the action. No wonder the film is still a cult favorite in those circles. The talents of both Lance Henriksen and William Forsythe as the biker leader and his main henchmen-what a homoerotic relationship they have!-were key assets, especially with the inexperience of Bosworth.

There were some other faces I recognized, from “that guy” actors to Tom Magee, a powerlifter/strongman who had a great look/athleticism and tried pro wrestling but didn’t have the mind for it. He’s the guy who looks like Kenny Omega!

No matter what you think of the rest, action fans need to see the climax; the conclusion delivers in spades. That is OOT in the best ways. Amazing to think that The Boz later went into the world of religious film (it’s a world I probably should avoid; it might be like kicking a hornet’s nest!) and also appearing in Dr. Pepper ads themed around college football that I think are brutally unfunny & stupid yet many seem to love.

For a film that had to replace its director Bruce Malmuth due to allegedly him “being in no condition to direct” (yet his son is still in Stone Cold) and stuntman/director Craig R. Baxley serving as the replacement, I’m glad this was finally discussed by me. I’m also glad that sometime in the future, Stone Cold will be released in 4K.

Darkman

Darkman (1990)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Starring: Liam Neeson, Frances McDormand, Colin Friels, Larry Drake, Nelson Mashita

From: Universal

Would you believe my late mother was a fan of this movie? Despite my seeing her viewing this picture on at least a few occasions, I never watched this until now, let alone ask her when I had the chance to why she was a fan. It is a surprise considering the director. Mom passed away on July 25, 2020, as I’ve mentioned a number of times by now. While I can’t believe it’s been 5 years already, I made it through yesterday alright. Not thinking about her lasting so long in hospice, slowly withering away… those are memories to push out of my mind.

Instead, it’s better for me to wonder what she thought of the bizarre visual flourishes that happened on a few occasions, or what she thought of the guy whose head got squashed by a semi-truck! Many people by now likely know the plot of Liam Neeson as a scientist attempting to create synthetic skin, which comes in handy after he’s horribly burned by Larry Drake and his goons. I didn’t know it was all about competition for riverfront development and a memo revealing bribes to the zoning commission. I know she was a fan of the romance between Neeson and Frances McDormand, without a doubt. She was a big fan of the Beauty and the Beast TV show w/ Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton.

The story just strain credulity at times, to say the very least. Be that as it may, I was still rather entertained by this darkly comedic tale, by the means that the titular Darkman used synthetic skin not just to appear as himself but as his foes to cause trouble for them; he does a spectacular job of trolling… the entertaining action scenes, the talented cast and the exhilarating score from Danny Elfman. The effects were of their time-and are also charming. I enjoyed the tragic tale that took inspiration from various sources, including comic books & 30’s Universal horror; Claude Rains as The Invisible Man was blatant. There are also a few cameos, one obvious but the others not so much.

The Shadow is another property Raimi was inspired by—for years he wanted to adapt that property but wasn’t allowed to. Thankfully, both this and The Shadow are 90’s movies that should have been teenage favorites of mine that at least were seen by me in my middle-age years. In the future, I’ll finally get around to some other films that my dear old mother raved about or saw a decent amount of times. This includes the one John Carpenter picture I saw her view… no, not The Thing or In the Mouth of Madness! Of course it was Starman; many women likely were fans of the sci-fi romance.

3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)

Runtime: 93 long minutes

Directed by: Sean McNamara

Starring: Three new kids, plus the likes of Hulk Hogan, Loni Anderson and Jim Varney

From: Tri-Star

Can I say “RIP” to Hulk Hogan the character but not Terry Bollea the person? I have no idea.

What a complicated legacy Bollea leaves behind. There are reasons for hardcore wrestling fans like myself to not like the man—it’s not just his political beliefs or those abominable racial comments he made where the N-word was uttered a few times (and there’s other racial statements from him) but I’ll address that at the end, along with some positives to the Hulk Hogan persona and why he became an 80’s icon and an important figure in the history of professional wrestling.

Bollea portraying Hogan was great; him doing other characters, not so much. This is why his movie career never really took off. This was selected because I referenced it in a recent review for 3 Ninjas, the title always made me chuckle, and it’s apparently terrible yet I wanted to see Jim Varney play someone else besides Ernest P. Worrell. He’s a villain here, his name an all-timer: LOTHAR ZOGG. I swear this is true.

Also true: Hogan was DAVE DRAGON, an actor who starred on a TV show where he lead bootleg Power Rangers! What a preposterous hairpiece he wore, but at least it was supposed to be a hairpiece. They, the titular ninjas, and Victor Wong are all at the titular Mega Mountain-actually, Denver’s Elitch Gardens Theme Park. The lead villain is a leather-clad Loni Anderson as MEDUSA. Their scheme: a dunderheaded juvenile PG version of Die Hard!

They take hostage of the entire theme park; their goons wear absurd late 90’s shades which only date this horribly. The biggest sins: this is dumber than a box of rocks, full of illogic, the kids can flip around and do splits as if they’re in a Shaw Brothers movie, the way technology and computers are used was offensively stupid even in the late 90’s, the park is still operating despite the hostage crises, there are three henchmen (who were best described as Temu versions of Ronnie Wood, Matt Frewer and an obese version of Bray Wyatt!) that made The Three Stooges look like MENSA members, a Black character that was this movie’s Theo and was thwarted by a 12 year old tomboy hacker plays an offensive Jamaican stereotype… need I go on?

The action wasn’t terrible and there were some wacky moments involving the cinematography-the camera spins around on several occasions. Otherwise, I am not surprised this was the last 3 Ninjas movie. Hogan gave one of the best performances, although that’s more a reflection on the other actors; Varney as LOTHAR ZOGG was the actual best performance.

Terry Bollea was a backstabber who used his clout to bury wrestlers that could usurp his reign at the top of the food chain, was a pathological liar, was not remorseful when his son Nick’s street racing resulted in Nick’s best friend becoming paralyzed… hardcore wrestling fans haven’t liked him for years. At the same time, Hulk Hogan the wrestler managed to be captivating; he was never a technical wrestling wizard like a Bret Hart or Ric Flair but his outsized charisma, his wacky blustery promos that appeared to be coke-fueled, the OOT bad guys, the way he sold punishment, his Hulking Up… no wonder he drew in audiences while Rock ‘n Wrestling was a fad then kept many of them interested, at least for a few years.

Now that he’s passed away, I should try not to constantly think of him in a negative light and instead be amused by the Hulk Hogan persona or how I saw him wrestle live on two occasions, against Flair and the wrestler named after the Sex Pistols bassist, Sid Vicious. With any luck there won’t be any major deaths in the next few days that I’ll probably have to discuss here—several big names passing in the preceding week was a lot for everyone.

 

The Decline of Western Civilization II: The Metal Years

This is the 1988 documentary I watched for obvious reasons: 

RIP Ozzy Osbourne

Like many, his death on Tuesday was disheartening news, not to mention startling—his farewell concert just happened. I didn’t ever watch his “reality” TV show as I loathe how phony all “reality” television is (I know many that did, though). Rather, it was his music that I was a fan of; it was great discovering that long ago, whether it be Black Sabbath-they are one of the progenitors of an entire genre of music in heavy metal-or his solo work, it was songs I enjoyed listening to. In the future I need to hear more than just the hits but for now, a documentary about metal music.

Specifically, it is the glam era of metal, where the male musicians wore more makeup and had bigger hair than the women in the crowd. Some reviewers wished that harder metal would have been focused on; musically, I get it. That said, this was a nice time capsule of a specific era in the history of the Los Angeles music scene; many rock arts were attempting to become the next Poison. I was amused and bemused to hear a bunch of random young men bragging about their wild hedonistic lifestyles, usually deluded that they’ll make it.

Decline did mention some criticisms of the scene, from the purported “Satanic” elements to the more valid criticisms of misogyny and how groupies were taken advantage of. Bands that never became household names were shown, along with Poison, Megadeth, and a few elder statemen offering sage advice… Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley, Alice Cooper, Steven Tyler & Joe Perry, Ozzy. Osbourne was shown doing the mundane task of making breakfast as he talked of his struggles concerning drug abuse & alcoholism.

Right after his death was announced, on Twitter went around a clip that happened to be from this film… a moment that was staged. The viewer saw Ozzy unable to pour orange juice into a glass. I’m a cynic so that looked phony to me; years after release, this was admitted to be staged. That seemed cruel to someone that struggled w/ sobriety and after the fact would wage war against those demons on several occasions. That wasn’t even the only moment that wasn’t on the up-and-up. Director Penelope Spheeris (right or wrong) made it clear there was at least some mockery of this scene. As for Chris Holmes, then of W.A.S.P. I don’t know how much of “he gets ridiculously wasted on camera in a swimming pool as MOM is right by him as he talks of suicide & dying young” was legit but I hope he wasn’t pouring actual Smirnoff over his face. Holmes is still alive, believe it or not.

I’m glad Ozzy was able to make it to the age of 76; it’s a miracle given he consumed a staggering amount of substances during his life. In terms of WTF lifestyles, Keith Richards and Iggy Pop are still around; both seem indestructible. Laughing at how everyone looked in Decline did occur; at other times I did appreciating hearing how (for example) Tyler and Perry had recently become sober and they were happy to clean up their act. Famously, they are still sober in 2025. “Not needing to lead a debaucherous lifestyle” was a key theme in Civilization. As many others have noted in Letterboxd reviews & in general, no wonder grunge music would in a few years become a huge deal.

While much of the metal played was average at best, I still enjoyed the tunes; of course, the highlights on that front were the Motorhead opening credits song, the Alice Cooper end credits song, and Megadeth performing during the finale. While I’m sure there are better metal documentaries out there in terms of content and music, I’ll reiterate that this is quite the time capsule of a specific era, where you can laugh at the looks & fashion but there’s a cautionary tale to learn, whether explicit or not.

What a life John Osbourne had; playing a pivotal role in rock history, infamous for moments like urinating on the Alamo & biting the head off a live bat, somehow becoming beloved in the 21st century to millions of young people. His health problems the past few years were unfortunate; even so, I’m glad the tribute concert happened and the huge reaction to his passing away showed the mark he left on pop culture. For the rest of time I’ll enjoy the music of Ozzy Osbourne.