Top Secret!

Top Secret! (1984)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: ZAZ

Starring: Val Kilmer (RIP), Lucy Gutteridge, Chrisotpher Villiers, Omar Sharif, Peter Cushing

From: Paramount

RIP Val Kilmer

As a child of the 80’s and 90’s, I first saw him on screen via the theatrical experience of Willow in 1988 at the age of 7. After that it was films like Tombstone, Top Gun, Heat, and Batman Forever, the latter another theatrical viewing. Then, The Island of Dr. Moreau happened… among all its other issues was Val engaging in a metaphorical phallus-measuring contest with a legendary temperamental actor in Marlon Brando; that alone ruined his Hollywood career. As that allegedly wasn’t the only instance of bad behavior, that’s why his career never recovered. I was still sad that he had those bad health issues for years before passing away. That inexplicable character he portrayed in The Snowman… that one can never be explained. Thankfully he got a nice send-off in Top Gun: Maverick.

Despite viewing The Naked Gun movies (BTW, the coming out this August… I just saw the trailer, and no thank you) along with Airplane in the past, Top Secret was a first-time watch. If you’ve never tackled Secret at all, it is important to note that it is a level of parody comparable to the ZAZ films I just mentioned. East Germany wishes to reunite w/ West Germany and their plans would coincide with a big cultural festival. Kilmer-in his film debut-was Nick Rivers, a big rock star whose song Skeet Surfin’ is heard in the opening credits. That spoofs several Beach Boys tunes.

Indeed, Rivers becomes mixed up with this insidious plot. I don’t want to give away too many of the gags or why the film’s main poster features a cow; I can say that the movie is quite funny as these old spoofs used to be until they became rotten in the 21st century. There’s a wide variety of jokes, including some wild ideas that (mostly) land. An underwater fight is marvelous.

As the movie mainly parodied both World War II dramas about the war and the cornball 60’s Elvis pictures, thankfully Kilmer nailed his role. As he was a graduate of Julliard, he also nailed the songs he sang and the moments which required dancing. There are only a few other famous faces although it’s always great seeing Michael Gough, Omar Sharif and Peter Cushing.

As it’s a ZAZ film, of course there are crude, ribald moments; also like in ZAZ films, that doesn’t overwhelm the movie as many of the gags aren’t more silly than crude or ribald. As I’ve said a decent amount of times on Letterboxd, shame that it took a death for me to view a film I found to be quite enjoyable. In the future, I will of course see more of Val’s work-perhaps even some obscure efforts. Again, Rest in Peace to Val Kilmer.

A Trio of Stooge Shorts

A Gem of a Jam: 

(Short # 76 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

This short is far from a gem, although the end result is still good. The blue collar jobs that the boys have this time is “janitors;’ they work in the doctor’s office of “Hart-Burns & Belcher.” After a shootout, one of three bandits is wounded so they storm into the office and despite their protests, the crooks refuse to hear that they’re not doctors so antics occur when the other two are out of the room.

The first ten minutes has some nice laughs, such as Curly being scanned by the 1943 version of an X-ray machine, Curly’s mugging for and the fate of the wounded criminal. Then, the rest was just weird. For some reason, in the same building as the doctor’s office is a large room full of “Mannikins and Wax Models” which also has a huge jack in the box that pops up for a gag. 

Curly falls into plaster of Paris which leads to some wacky moments but the main highlight there is Black actor Dudley Dickerson w/ a larger role than the standard bit part he got. His characters were sadly emblematic of the era yet he still did his role well-in this case as the building’s watchman. 

They made 10 of these shorts in 1943, which was a record. 1944 and 1945 had far less, due in part to the Stooges making appearances to support the war effort… and Curly’s health declining. Yeah, those sad times are coming and I remember ’44 as having more than one lousy short… but one classic too.

Crash Goes the Hash: 

(Short # 77 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

“Such levity… you remind me of The Three Stooges!”

This was another occasion where the boys portrayed members of the paparazzi. Actually, they were tradesman who were mistaken as journalists by Fuller Bull, the chief of the Daily News; his regular reporters have all been injured attempting to snap a photo of “Prince Shaam of Ubeedarn” (the name’s a hint) who is rumored to marry a local socialite. 

This means that most of the short is set at a soiree full of rich people. Once again they poke fun at the wealthy which must have delighted the common folk at the theater even during World War II. Their confusion over canapes results in peas being placed on dog biscuits. Bud Jamison-in sadly his last role; he would die of cancer later in ’44-is the prince’s majordomo who noted that Moe, Larry, & Curly reminded him of The Three Stooges, which they took offense to. A rare fourth wall breaking, but a funny one.

As time is spent in the kitchen, that is usually a recipe for success and it was here. They cosplayed as a cook & butlers, so there’s plenty of laughs involving lemonade, the canapes, a parrot that climbs into a turkey, etc. Some old gags return, although done in a different way. There is a larger amount of slapstick moments than typical; mix in an amusing plot and it was more upsetting IRL than on screen that Curly at some points talked in his normal off-camera Jerome Howard voice because seemingly his health was starting to decline.

Busy Buddies: 

(Short # 78 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

This short started off fine, then it ran out of steam. The first few minutes was the trio running a restaurant, where they are bad at their job so they require taking a second job hanging posters, where they stumble upon a… milking contest where the winner receives $100. Sure. Curly attempts to milk a BULL, which yes reminded me of a scene in Kingpin, a film only seen once in the late 90’s but that scene left an impression. The bull tosses Curly over the fence during each failed attempt. 

The final few minutes are the competition, which… only has two competitors, the one other opponent is a dude who looks like a 1920’s strongman dressed like Bluto, and they are in a boxing ring, and there are rounds… it makes as little sense as it does via description. Then, the cows are switched out between rounds, allowing for Moe and Larry to… dress up in an obvious cow costume. “Juvenile” is a word used to describe these antics.

Busy Buddies isn’t totally bereft of laughs or even chuckles. Curly uses fancy terms for food in the diner that presumably was legit era used by the chef and staff in diners of the time-those were cute, along with the cows on screen. However, many of their shorts are better than this and don’t have baffling moments like the milking contest portrayed here.

I Spit on Your Grave

I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

Runtime: 101 minutes

Directed by: Meir Zarchi

Starring: Camille Keaton, Eron Tabor, Richard Pace, Anthony Nichols, Gunter Kleeman

From: The Jerry Gross Organization

Until last night I had never seen I Spit on Your Grave, and that’s no April Fools joke. This admission will be surprising due to my viewing of the original Last House on the Left plus films like Thriller: A Cruel Picture & Ms. 45 in the past. The title’s been familiar to me for ages yet due in part to its lack of easy availability on the streaming front, the trigger was never pulled… or in this case, the knife was never plunged into the heart. However, Arrow’s streaming site just put the film on their service; as nothing was on the agenda for last night, the infamous cult classic was finally experienced… or perhaps it should be “endured.”

Camille Keaton portrayed Jennifer Hills, a New York City writer who rents a cabin in bucolic rural Connecticut to write her first novel. Immediately she runs into a quartet of horrible human beings. This is a trio of real A-holes who utter the vilest misogynistic comments plus a mentally handicapped dude who tags along. It’s not long before the harassment starts then a LONG segment of repeated sexual assault. Besides the raw, visceral nature was the length. Your opinion on whether the attack needed to be this graphic or be that large a percentage of the runtime will determine your opinion of the movie.

Ratings have always been all across the board—Ebert despised Grave while a number of people just on Letterboxd find it to be a classic.
Me… while I am unsure if the intent for the segment necessitated such a presentation, the goal of upsetting the viewer was incredibly successful at least for my tastes, and the sweet, sweet revenge was satisfying. As the filmmaking wasn’t always great-to say the least-and the majority of the acting is best described as “inexperienced,” thank goodness then that Keaton was in the lead role. A lesser actress & the film would have lost me as the first half would have lost me, never to win me back once the revenge occurred.

Anyone’s opinion of the film is valid, whether love, hate, or somewhere in-between. While it is not something for me to watch again (at least in full) due to its content-and rape/revenge movies by design are rarely tackled by me-the film wasn’t a disappointment in terms of “entertainment” and also infamy. Kent, Connecticut and the surrounding environs are at least scenic woods and are charming as long as you don’t connect them with this film in particular.

I Spit on Your Grave had a sequel released just several years ago, along with a remake which itself spawned two sequels. The chance of seeing those are low, although my opinion could always change. Oh, and this was originally released as… Day of the Woman, which isn’t a great title. A few years later another distributor came up with its current all-timer of an unforgettable title. Note that I’ve heard the woman in the famed poster of the film where only her back is seen is none other than… DEMI MOORE! No kidding.

Princess Mononoke is Still Excellent

As I discovered last night: 

I was happy to revisit the film I rated at 5 stars when viewed on the big screen way back in January 2017. The rating is still the same even if this time on an IMAX screen the version was dubbed in English… and that script was done by, ahem, Neil Gaiman. I haven’t viewed every Miyazaki and not everything I did see was loved by me. That said, Mononoke is the best, at least from what's been experienced. These IMAX screenings have done well; what timing that this run began right after the controversy over some A-hole AI company using the Studio Ghibli anime style but more on that at the end.

Much to my relief, the movie was as magical as the first time. It was a more complex than expected tale (a simple allegory, it is not) of a prince who becomes cursed then goes on an odyssey to try and find a cure—to copy and paste what I wrote in 2017: 

“From there he runs into a bunch of memorable and awesome characters, both human and otherwise. The story is mature and the characters aren't black and white; all are layered and you can understand all their viewpoints, whether or not you agree with them. In addition, what you may think early on, your opinion could flip-flop.

It's a story set in feudal Japan so you get such things as samurai, beautiful forests... and some graphic things that you expect to see in other samurai movies. This is definitely more violent than a typical Studio Ghibli picture. But alongside the typical feudal Japan stuff is various mystical creatures. Various themes are present (such as being anti-war and pro-environment) but they aren't hammered home in an obnoxious overbearing manner.” 

My opinion hasn’t changed in the preceding eight years. In fact, modern me further appreciates a movie which doesn’t hammer home a message and scream it in your ears for two hours-that is a major modern Hollywood problem. The story still intrigued along with thrilling me, the score was still aces, the sense of wonder hadn’t diminished. Princess Mononoke looked stunning in a 4K print on an IMAX screen. The dubbed version seemed fine-note that I am NOT an expert on English dubs of Japanese media by any stretch of the imagination-although of course subtitles is the preferred way. If you can view the movie during its week-long run in IMAX, that is a must.

What timing that a few days before the IMAX ran began, OpenAI released a program where a user can take a photo and turn it into various anime styles, including Studio Ghibli. This caused an uproar and people were mad; once they were reminded or learned for the first time that Miyazaki himself once said that AI was “an insult to life”… no wonder anime fans were irate. At least there’s plenty of tremendous images for me to see from the studio (whether from Miyazaki or another director) that isn’t an artificial re-creation done for memes and laughs.

Christine

Christine (1983)

Runtime: 110 minutes

Directed by: John Carpenter

Starring: Keith Gordon, John Stockwell, Alexandra Paul, Robert Prosky, Harry Dean Stanton

From: Columbia

This film leaving Shudder after Monday was the reason for me to finally discuss it online; Christine was a wise revisit for a Saturday night. The last viewing was many, many years ago.

The story isn’t that complex: a nerdy 17-year-old named Arnold stumbles upon a beat-up 1958 Plymouth Fury named Christine; besides the poor idea of purchasing a rust-bucket of a vehicle from a character portrayed by Roberts Blossom, the opening showed the viewer that the vehicle was possessed by an evil spirit from the day it was assembled at the auto plant. The opening act presented the nature of how much an outcast Arnie Cunningham was; he feels smothered by his parents, is bullied by the typical 80’s high school bullies, and only fortune is having his lone friend Dennis be a jock. There’s also some dialogue that is so crass, it could only come from the mouths of teenage boys; at least in the late 90’s, this was still true-I know personally!

As Arnie restores the Fury, he not only becomes obsessed (in a Titane sort of way! No, I haven’t seen the movie as I’ve heard more than enough to know it’s a gigantic NOPE for me) but becomes a haughty jerk. As deaths occur and Arnie’s behavior deteriorates, it was important for the viewer to care about Dennis along with new girl Leigh; thankfully this occurs. Keith Gordon is stellar as Arnold, although John Stockwell and Alexandra Paul both delivered as Dennis & Leigh. They helped when the story became quite frankly outlandish as the supernatural aspects are turned on louder like the radio in Christine.

To state the obvious, John Carpenter as the director was also a key asset. Besides the quality filmmaking, there’s the quality synth score from him and Alan Howarth. In addition, the soundtrack was aces. It was either late 50’s songs that Christine the car played in hilarious moments of trolling people or catchy then-modern songs from the likes of George Thorogood, ABBA, Tanya Tucker, and The Rolling Stones.

A small but memorable turn from Harry Dean Stanton, another hysterical character portrayed by Robert Prosky, a savage take-down of 50’s boomer nostalgia & America’s obsession over the automobile, the haunting nature of the film, the glorious practical effects… shame on me for not revisiting this in early 2020, after seeing one of the 1958 Plymouth Fury cars used in the film on sale at a famous auto auction—Mecum in Kissimmee, to be exact.

Phony Express

(Short # 75 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

Given the reference to the Pony Express, I knew that the Wild West would be the setting; there’s my knowledge of 19th century American history. However, the brief phenomenon of delivering mail in the West via couriers on horses traveling as fast as possible has no impact on the plot. Instead, a pair of bankers living in a bandit-infested town ironically named Peaceful Gulch take a wanted poster (for vagrancy) of the Stooges to fool Red Morgan and his gang.

They interact w/ a snake-oil salesman (where a random concoction is mixed in his wagon) and Morgan/his hoodlums in a saloon before they are forced to search for the heels after they robbed the bank. Curly literally acts like a bloodhound-for about 2 minutes and interacts w/ a skunk-before finding Morgan’s cabin.

While not top-tier by any means, laughs are still present throughout via various routines plus the standard slapstick, whether old or new. Chuckles are to be had via such devices as beer mugs, stoves and Snub Pollard; yes, the Australian-born vaudeville comedian turned silent star appeared in several different Stooge shorts. He later had bit parts in everything from Singing in the Rain to Inherit the Wind. He’s the town sheriff who has lumbago; that’s a funny word for “lower back pain,” something that many suffer from… present company included.

Twister's Revenge!

Twister’s Revenge! (1988)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Bill Rebane

Starring: Dean West, Meredith Orr, David Alan Smith, R. Richardson Luka, Jay Gjernes

From: MTP Productions

Viewing an AI-upscaled version of a movie w/ an AI-controlled monster truck: it isn’t ironic, but “appropriate” probably works. Yes, I do realize that at least on Twitter, there has been a s***storm of Biblical proportions over the AI involved in the arts after OpenAI released a program that could generate Studio Ghibli art from any photo. Many feel this is an insult to Miyazaki himself, his style being ripped off, and for frickin’ memes; this may be something I discuss in the near-future in another review but 4K AI upscales-admittedly, those can turn out horribly, which is another insult to the arts-are far different from that.

A YouTube channel (which won’t be named; as of posting, can be found via an easy search) not only upscaled Twister’s to 4K along with other movies of similar quality, but also episodes of such shows as The Fall Guy. I’ve seen Bill Rebane films before and while Monster a Go-Go doesn’t count due to its troubled production history, The Giant Spider Invasion and The Capture of Bigfoot have their campy charms and it is uplifting to hear that someone emigrated from Latvia to Northern Wisconsin and had a filmmaking career for a few decades, at least for fans of regional filmmakers.

Revenge is really, really stupid; let’s not mince words here. A trio of villains that might as well be named Moe, Larry & Curly seek to steal the computers that control a monster truck named Mr. Twister. Note that due to “artificial intelligence” (to quote the lady w/ 80’s hair that created this using two different computers plus an oscilloscope) Mr. Twister is also sentient and talking to its driver Dave, because Knight Rider was still popular despite already being cancelled by this point. I watched Knight Rider in syndication as a little kid, by the way.

The movie is low-brow entertainment for children (although perhaps not, given some images and moments) which is quite flawed in terms of acting, logic, plot, story beats, editing, music, sound, etc. Heck, the opening credits even misspell “photography” as “photograpy.” Be that as it may, the opening few minutes were at a country fair not too dissimilar to the one in my town as a kid (some of the rides were the same; they didn’t have monster truck events but there was a rodeo, a demolition derby and a country concert which included the likes of The Oak Ridge Boys & Billy Ray Cyrus), the local scenery was charming, and there was a hearty laugh at recognizing locations used in The Giant Spider Invasion.

As I am someone who laughs at such things as exaggerated Wisconsin accents & characters drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, that helped me enjoy this utter nonsense, which also had some low-budget action and destruction. An unexpected delight: a scene out of nowhere set at what looked like a country music bar-where for some reason the customers were usually dressed in wacky outfits-and even more improbably, the act on stage was a bad New Wave band, led by a tall, heavyset woman. Weird, sincere moments like these sometimes go a long way in charming me.

 

Dizzy Pilots

(Short # 74 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

In this super-early Friday morning posting of a review, this is a short I’d deem a classic… except for the usage of footage from a previous short for the conclusion. The boys (The Wrong Brothers!) live in a fictitious country and receive a letter that if their new idea for an airplane fails, they would be required to join the Army. Of course the plane looks standard to the aircraft of the era; perhaps that country’s aviation is behind everyone else. 

The usual bungling occurs in the airplane hangar, culminating in several minutes spent with Moe landing in a literal bathtub full of self-sealing rubber and the chaos resulting from the failed attempt to remove the rubber after filling up the suit with hydrogen.

All of that was hysterical, and the laughs continued once they got the bird up in the air, and it goes haywire. For some reason, the final few minutes are taken from the 1940 short Boobs in Arms, but without the context that they had a previous beef with the drill sergeant Hugh Dare. Those moments are still funny but it was even better in Boobs. Why this was done is unknown; if they had new footage that led to a proper climax, I would rate Dizzy Pilots even higher. Alas, this still flew high…

The Princess and the Frog

The Princess and the Frog (2009)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: Ron Clements/John Musker

Starring: Various voices, including famous ones like Oprah, Keith David, Jim Cummings and Terrence Howard

From: Disney

One day I’ll ride Tiana’s Bayou Adventure at Walt Disney World; that may not be the best reason to see a film, but The Princess and the Frog is a picture I enjoyed anyhow. Those that ignore the Disney parks (for a variety of reasons) should know that Tiana’s Bayou Adventure is a log flume ride that replaced Splash Mountain. While the characters in Splash Mountain were based on those presented in the works of Joel Chandler Harris that put folklore to paper, they look like how they were presented in a film Disney (in the past 40 years) have been petrified to release, at least in the United States. I have seen Song of the South and that is not too good, although the animated bits were the highlight.

Who knows when I’ll get the chance to ride Tiana’s Bayou Adventure, except “eventually in 2025.” The presumption is the ride will be better if Frog was viewed first. The movie was quite entertaining, a New Orleans 1920’s version of the Brothers Grimm tale The Frog Prince. It’s a nice tale which has various life lessons which are nice for the kids, and the tale featuring Black characters felt necessary for the setting instead of it being shoehorned in, which is the not as controversial way to state what is a huge ugly source of controversy in these modern times.

It was easy to root for Tiana as the teen waitress who dreams of her own restaurant, working 24/7 to the detriment of having any fun… then there’s the hilarious scoundrel Prince Naveen, the voodoo witch doctor Dr. Facilier, the jazz-loving alligator Louis, etc. The presence of a Cajun character (the firefly Ray) was a nice touch to represent the region. Ray also happened to be my favorite character. Those three frog-hunters present for a few minutes: turns out that I wasn’t the only one who thought “The Three Stooges” with those characters.

Frog was a nice love letter to the region. The jazz songs, the score done by Randy Newman-part of his childhood was in New Orleans, the opening song from Newman plus two area legends-The Dirty Dozen Brass Band and Dr. John-the local cuisine, the city of New Orleans itself, the swamp, zydeco music, a riverboat and voodoo are part of this gumbo stew. A shame that 2D animation died at Disney because this movie had the misfortune of opening right before Avatar.

I was apparently part of the problem too in not seeing the movie theatrically. However, movies like Chicken Little and Meet the Robinsons made me ignore their animated division; of course I haven’t viewed those. At least The Princess and the Frog is the sort of movie that could be enjoyed by my nephews & nice, along with it being appropriate for them.

Two More Stooges Shorts

First, Higher Than a Kite: 

(Short # 72 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

My apologies for not doing one of these in a few days; my schedule was the reasons why. These may not be done every day going forward but I’ll try not to make it infrequent. Higher Than a Kite I don’t remember seeing in decades (if ever) yet this wartime effort was quite amusing. The Stooges were in the RAF, after all!

Yes, the trio went to England to join the Royal Air Force, only they are stuck as mechanics on the ground because-in part-Curly confused “navigator” with “alligator.” They are tasked with fixing the Colonel’s automobile and “removing the squeak.” Of course such a setting allows for plenty of slapstick with wrenches, tire jacks, automobile backfire from the exhaust pipe… and Moe getting his head stuck in a pipe. The next three minutes were Larry & Curly attempting various ways to extract his head out.

After that job is bungled, the boys end up hiding… in a bomb that’s dropped in Germany. They found new ways to lampoon the Nazi jerks, including officers “Boring” and “Bommel.” Larry dresses like Carmen Miranda and jokes are mined from a photo of “Schicklgruber,” i.e. Hitler. That was an insult common in World War II as that was the original surname of Adolf’s father and even Germans thought it was a funny name. Thus, the Stooges used it in a few previous efforts.

Higher Than a Kite was another funny WWII short from the boys.

Then, I Can Hardly Wait: 

(Short # 73 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

A short I would have liked more… if Moe wasn’t more mean-spirited than usual. The boys are defense workers during World War II and the rationed meal divided by Moe only left Curly with a hambone. Curly bites into that, of course this results in a broken tooth. Moe’s even a jerk about that; flat-out heel behavior is not preferable to my tastes.

Shame, as there are funny moments throughout. This includes a triple-decker bunkbed and a dream sequence that is acknowledged as such from the beginning, unlike what has been standard for decades now. In Curly’s dream, Moe & Larry’s attempt at home dentistry does go awry despite several attempts to extract the tooth via elaborate methods that include tying it to a string and the other end of the string to a doorknob.

Also in the dream, they take him to the dentists Y. Tug and A. Yank. Whether the intention, it is a horrifying depiction of dentistry that includes one Dr. using ether to knock out the patient! I’ll note that the receptionist was portrayed by Adele Mara, who also had a bit part in another Stooge effort (Back from the Front). She later worked at Republic where prominent roles were had in two John Wayne films—Wake of the Red Witch and Sands of Iwo Jima. She was both discovered by Xavier Cugat and was married for almost 50 years to Roy Huggins, creator of such popular shows in the early era of television like The Fugitive, 77 Sunset Strip and The Rockford Files. What a life she had.

As Moe does receive his comeuppance-at least in the extended dream sequence-I can’t complain about I Can Hardly Wait too hard; although, Curly utters the films title three times in the span of like 90 seconds; if you like pointing at the screen like you’re Rick Dalton…

Black Magic (A 40's Movie)

Black Magic (1944)

Runtime: 65 minutes

Directed by: Phil Rosen

Starring: Sidney Toler, Mantan Moreland, Frances Chan, Joseph Crehan, Helen Beverley

From: Monogram

My first time seeing Sidney Toler as the detective Charlie Chan; in the past, I’d seen Warner Oland in the role. He passed away and Toler (another white guy cosplaying as a Chinese man) took over the role. By this point, the franchise had moved from 20th Century Fox to Monogram Pictures.

Charlie Chan’s daughter Frances is at a séance where a man is murdered; this is why Charlie accepts the case and explores the house where the murder takes place. The plot isn’t much more complicated than that. Now, I did miss the number of silly fortune cookie sayings that Oland uttered in his films, as stereotypical as they were; only a few were scattered throughout Black Magic. The actual detective work seemed better in the earlier pictures. However, Toler wasn’t bad in the role.

The highlight for me in this decent mystery film w/ some horror elements was the supporting role played by Mantan Moreland, a Black actor who appeared in many B movies. His impact on the plot wasn’t all that great yet despite it being a stereotypical Black role of the time, his Birmingham Brown (a great name) at least made me laugh… through the cringing of his acting dumb, thinking he can disappear via snapping the fingers & saying “abracadabra!” and bugging his eyes out. If he had more dignified parts, presumably Moreland would have done well in those roles also.

It won’t be fair for me to make the blanket statement that Toler in the role or his movies automatically were inferior to Warner Oland and his time in the role. Yellowface aside, those pictures were still decent breezy entertainment and stands a good chance to entertain those that dig the mystery pictures of the 30’s/40’s.

The Alto Knights

The Alto Knights (2025)

38% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 103 reviews)

Runtime: 120 minutes

Directed by: Barry Levinson

Starring: Robert De Niro, Debra Messing, Kathrine Narducci, Cosmo Jarvis, Michael Rispoli

From: Warner Bros.

“Tired” is the best way to describe The Alto Knights. A little more than a half hour after the screening of Ash finished, I sat down to view a movie watched in part due to someone on a messageboard expressing interest in the movie (for it being a modest R-rated drama, which isn’t common in Hollywood) and they hadn’t viewed it yet. Plus, why in the world was Robert De Niro playing both the lead characters? Well, that query was never answered as there’s no good explanation for it besides “stunt casting.”

Note that my middling rating has zero to do with the movie finally being greenlit after the idea has been around in Hollywood for at least FIFTY years by Warner Brothers Discovery’s CEO, the guy who I refer to as Voldemort despite not reading any of the books or viewing any of the movies. Cultural osmosis is how I know the meaning of the name; I especially don’t want to name the $#%#$@% for his decisions made this month. It doesn’t even have anything to do w/ how a certain word is constantly heard. F-bombs seem to be a prerequisite for gangster movies; for all I know, Vito Genovese constantly used the F word multiple times in a sentence. It still wasn’t preferable to my tastes.

However, my main complaint is that the film isn’t all that exciting; Goodfellas, it ain’t. The fact that there was no reason for De Niro to portray both the lead Frank Costello and the antagonist Genovese is another issue. How the story was told and presented was something I took objection to; a literal slide show is part of the presentation. All that stated, The Alto Knights (the name of the club the two leads were a member of in their youths) wasn’t a bad movie, mainly due to my interest in the real-life story of the gangster who has a façade of legitimacy (Costello) and the unabashedly gangster Genovese.
The movie unfortunately made me feel sleepy too often; a shame. 

Wikipedia articles apparently would have been more informative to learn about those two men and the Mob world in general. The general Mob antics, a fine performance from Debra Messing, generally fine filmmaking and a period soundtrack meant that The Alto Knights was “OK” instead of “lousy” or downright bad. I appreciate that various old men (including director Barry Levison and director Irwin Winkler) collaborated on something that isn’t “commercial” in 2025 but did it anyhow… you can’t help but feel crestfallen that a picture like this is not a classic like Goodfellas—or is even just good.

Ash

Ash (2025)

79% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 66 reviews)

Runtime: 95 minutes

Directed by: Flying Lotus

Starring: Eiza Gonzalez, Aaron Paul, Iko Uwais, Kate Elliott, Lotus

From: Several different companies, including Shudder

Going into this movie relatively blind did not turn out poorly. I say this as one of the few details I knew was that Flying Lotus was the director. I did not see his effort in V/H/S/99 as I gave up on a franchise where all the films has been varying degrees of terrible while I know enough about his 2017 movie Kuso to realize that is a GIGANTIC “nope.” That atrocious Adult Swim “humor” is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me; this is one of the reasons why I rejected Everything Everywhere All at Once so hard.

Much to my relief, Ash was relatively mainstream, albeit with brief glimpses of frightening images; I saw someone compare it to Possessor-those familiar with that can confirm or deny. Someone else called it “cosmic horror” (true) while another that also watched the movie last night (no, not with me) said Ash was “a synthwave psychedelic journey.” On a space station built on an alien planet, Eiza Gonzalez-it was nice to see her again-wakes up with several of her mates gruesomely killed and no memory of what occurred. Then, Aaron Paul returns to the station.

Viewers should stick with the film through the first two acts. There was at least one sigh heard from the larger than expected crowd and not everyone lasted until the final act. As off-kilter as the experience may be and as dimly-lit as the movie is at times (whether there are blue and red LED lights present; not the only modern movie-making sin present), the final act occurs and for reasons I won’t spoil, the journey was worth it—your mileage may vary. Some story beats or even the general plot may not be liked, for a variety of reasons.

Oh, and Iko Uwais is in a few scenes; whether or not he does any martial arts in what’s otherwise a dramatic role… I’ll leave it for future viewers to discover. Criticisms aside, I was glad to see a sci-fi/horror movie w/ a low budget (the exact figure is unknown) featuring only a few characters, some practical effects, and it still was good both visually & aurally. I much rather see movies like this rather than another remake, sequel, or something based on a stupid IP from pop culture. The movie was in part made by Shudder and is MUCH, MUCH better than the truly abominable In a Violent Nature. Thank heavens that Ash wasn’t arthouse, smug, pretentious crap like Nature was.

I was happy to have the theatrical experience, but if you have to wait for Shudder or another streaming service, hopefully the movie will be worth the shot for those that sound intrigued by the premise and/or just want more sci-fi/horror that isn’t big-budget and thus usually slop. Ash was also better than the second theatrical movie I viewed yesterday; that review will be posted Tuesday evening.

Snowpiercer is Still Terrible

As I discovered Saturday night: 

I still hate Snowpiercer.

The only reason why I’d revisit a movie I loathed more than practically everyone else since the theatrical experience in summer of 2014 (which drew a surprisingly big crowd for someone who had only made a few Korean pictures beforehand): the original review I wrote was not my best review… not my worst either, but still lackluster. Other bad reviews are of other movies I despised; it’d require revisiting those, which is not a task I’m going to do unless I am really brave one evening. Yes, I hated Mickey 17 also-for many of the same reasons-but at least certain details, Re: Snowpiercer can be mentioned that weren’t the first time.

Unlike Mickey 17-which had a nice opening 30 minutes only to become worse and worse to a putrid final 20 or so minutes, Snowpiercer started off horribly and irritating to the extreme and only had some OK moments sprinkled throughout… leading to a putrid final 20 or so minutes. 

The very conceit of the movie is just dumb, if we’re being frank here. The world has entered an ice age after an experiment to combat global warming goes awry, so… there’s a perpetual motion machine trail traveling around the world after most everyone has died, and it’s not just the rich A-holes that are on board but there’s all segments of society… so we get clumsy metaphors over the have-nots in the back of the train engaging in an uprising?!

Now, a few days ago I did read a reply made by a random person in the comments of a Letterboxd mutual’s review (they aren’t a fan of the movie either) which expressed that both in the French graphic novel and the TV show, an explanation is provided for the demographics of the train. The specific details are unknown—that said, even if I DID know the explanation, my loathing of Snowpiercer would remain. The movie is just not enjoyable; just like in Mickey 17 there is a nonstop onslaught of LOUD clumsy, awkward opinions over how awful capitalism is… honestly, it’s time to play some different notes, Bong Joon Ho!

It's ridiculous that both films feature dark-colored rectangles of a gelatinous “food product” for the have-nots while the haves dine on steak. What I didn’t even pick up in 2014: the poor character portrayed by John Hurt had the surname… Gilliam. One of many examples of how dumb and unsubtle Snowpiercer is. 

To copy and paste part of what I wrote 11 years ago, along with some 2025 revisions: 

“I thought (the dumb plot) wouldn't be a big deal as if you have a fun story populated with interesting and fun characters. Unfortunately, I hated most of the dumb illogical A-holes present here, no matter if they were “the good guys”, “the bad guys” or innocent parties. I don't know what the hell it was that Tilda Swinton played, except it was an atrocious caricature of something you'd wouldn’t find on planet Earth, no matter if it's a new Ice Age or not. Her playing a man in the truly abominable Suspiria remake was far more pointless, yet what she did here was far more unendurable.

Besides the characters I couldn't give a damn about, there's the story. In simplest terms it makes sense. How it plays out, though... nope. It's a confused mess best not left dwelled on. Like some dumb A-hole dressed up in a PIGEON costume in Mickey 17, Snowpiercer also had surreal, ridiculous, pointless offal on display for the viewer. The movie got off on a bad foot (or perhaps I should say “bad arm”) and except for a few moments that weren’t bad, the appeal of the film is beyond my comprehension.

The fact that this has both bad CG and action of the shaky-cam variety (at least Mickey 17 had far less of that) only solidified my sour opinion of Snowpiercer. There are many different reasons why many modern movies aren’t appealing to me; paragraphs could be written on all the grievances I have but I’ll spare everyone and not do so. In recent years I’ve become more discerning in avoiding the modern movies that appear to have the qualities which make me say, “That don’t work for me, brother! I’ll avoid you” although sometimes I’m blindsided by flicks that are much worse than expected, or the rare occasions where I view something like Netflix slop to discover just how trash it was. 

Point is, I’ll happily never view Snowpiercer again; no, the third Bong Joon Ho film has never been tackled. I’ve heard enough hearsay about Okja to know that another irritating anti-capitalistic film which also has a pro-vegetarian message yelled in your ear for 2 hours plus… no thank you.

Three Little Twerps

(Short # 71 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

The Stooges in the world of a circus was not as spectacular as you might expect; that said, the short was still good. Perhaps they were handicapped that this was the second (and last) short directed by Harry Edwards. The first (Matri-Phony) was fraught with issues and took 3 weeks to film when shoots typically were only a few days. This also had its issues; the boys refused to work with him ever again. They never had those problems with the likes of Jules White, Edward Bernds, or Del Lord.

In any case, while a minor effort in their canon to me that’s still good, my criticisms are mild. The boys hang posters advertising the circus in town; like clockwork that simple task was bungled. Note that in an ironic moment, they put their poster over a movie poster for the long-forgotten 1942 Columbia picture The Man Who Returned to Life, co-starring Kenneth MacDonald, who did appear in many films and TV shows for decades but appeared in one short w/ Curly then more than a dozen Shemp shorts, almost always the heel.

They cause more havoc at the circus itself, including Curly’s interaction w/ Anita Sharp-Bolster, who portrayed a bearded lady a year after playing another bearded lady in Hitchcock’s Saboteur. There’s also Larry & Curly in a horse costume interacting w/ real horses, then the trio becoming targets of a spear-thrower… regrettably, the white Duke York in an ethnic role.

As there are several silly sight gags, I can’t get too mad at Three Little Twerps, even if not all the iconography of a circus (such as elephants, clowns, etc.) make an appearance here.

The Wind

The Wind (1986)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Niko Mastorakis

Starring: Meg Foster, Wings Hauser (RIP), David McCallum, Robert Morley, Steve Railsback

From: Feref Associates/Omega Entertainment

RIP Wings Hauser

While only having seen a few of his pictures, I was always entertained by his bold, wild performances in those B-movie flicks. Whether it was as a racist cop in Tales from the Hood, the wildest character in Tough Guys Don’t Dance (no small achievement) or his incredible take as the evil pimp Ramrod in Vice Squad, Wings always captivated me. From a Letterboxd mutual yesterday, it was learned that in the past, a vengeful ex spread rumors in this past of his demise; as his wife broke the news he passed away this past weekend at the age of 77… time to tip my cap.

As Arrow’s streaming site is never used enough by me, time to see a slasher from Niko Mastorakis which intrigued me due to its Greek setting, the presence of several other familiar actors, and a score done in part by HANS ZIMMER, one of his first credits. The plot is simple: while the cast also includes David McCallum, Robert Morley-of The African Queen fame-and Steve Railsback, most of the plot consists of mystery novelist Meg Foster in a barren Greek town attempting to complete her upcoming novel versus Hauser in a very Wings Hauser sort of role. Is that REALLY a spoiler?

Various nitpicks could be made. One obvious detail is that her name is shown on a book cover as Sean Anderson yet for some reason the end credits reveal her first name is “Sian” yet the pronunciation is still “Sean.” That didn’t matter too much as I enjoyed both Foster and Wings in their roles. As she is only slightly younger than Hauser, it reminds me that I should give Meg Foster her props while she’s still alive. While I’ve only seen a few of her films, she has quite the distinctive look and besides the fun B-movie Leviathan and her contributions to They Live, I’ll always remember her for Evil-Lyn in Masters of the Universe, a childhood favorite.

The real-life Greek town of Monemvasia was a nice setting; the stone buildings are hundreds of years old and had a nice distinctive appearance. This includes the fortress that much of the movie is set in. Whether or not that area has a strong prevailing wind that blows much of the time, that was the scenario here; that added to the atmosphere, along with the foggy night lit pretty well—it was another example of how modern movies unfortunately don’t light themselves all that well any longer. If a B-movie from the 80’s can do it…

The Wind isn’t essential cinema, whether it be for the genre, the director, or its two stars. The movie… didn’t blow me away. On the other side of the coin, the film is still an enjoyable cat-and-mouse thriller. Those that like trashy thrillers and haven’t tackled Vice Squad, you really should just to see Wings as the villain. In the future, I’ll tackle more of the B-movies that featured the talents of Wings Hauser.

This Time, Three Stooge Shorts

Dizzy Detectives: 

(Short # 68 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

I can’t tell you why the first few minutes of this short is part (not all) of the opening minutes of Pardon My Scotch, from eight years earlier. It’s the Stooges as carpenters and they struggle installing a door. It was funny-well, not for Moe, who IRL broke a few ribs during a stunt gone wrong-and they transition to the trio becoming police officers. The “head of the Citizen’s League” is outraged that someone dressed as a gorilla is committing crimes; the trio are called to “Gypsom Good Antiques”, where it’s an actual gorilla committing crimes.

The boys are frightened scaredy-cats in the store so there are laughs derived from such moments as a cat’s tail right by Curly sitting in a rocking chair. This proved that I could laugh uproariously from such moments as that and a hat falling off a coat rack landing on Curly’s foot. 

Oh, and Curly also does the Curly Shuffle; that wasn’t the first time he spun around on the ground like that but it always amuses me. I am old enough not only to remember the 80’s novelty song Curly Shuffle (from Jump ‘n the Saddle Band; it charted due to radio play), but the music video appearing on one of the first VHS releases in the 80’s on RCA Columbia Home Video. 

As there’s also plenty of laughs w/ the gorilla and more than one morbid gag, Dizzy Detectives was a delight.

Spook Louder: 

(Short # 69… heh in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

This short was more surreal than usual. During the duration, a random person (or rather, an entity) throws pies at people; the culprit is never revealed. Then again, there’s an unreliable narrator-a term I imagine people never thought would be used in one of these reviews-a presumably mad investigator named J.O. Dunkfeather. He tells a reporter a story of how the salesman Stooges inadvertently busted a spy ring in a mansion where Charles Middleton (of Flash Gordon serial fame) is the butler.

The mansion is owned by mad scientist Graves; spies-dressed up in Halloween costumes including one guy I’ll call La Parka-decide to steal the plans for the ray. Ted Lorch portrayed Graves; he was also in the Flash Gordon serial. The expected hijinks occur—although, one scare comes from an ugly face drawn on a balloon; yep, Spook Louder is not a run of the mill short from the boys.

One modern decision made this short even odder than usual: if you view this as part of a livestream on the official Three Stooges YouTube channel-where occasionally they create streams of random shorts in a row-but not if you view Spook Louder separately, censorship occurs. One scene features Graves asking if the trio are spies for the Japanese, only he uses a term popular in World War II as a slur against the Japanese. The word won’t be repeated by me, for obvious reasons. Not everyone in the livestream appreciated the censorship; no comment from me concerning the topic.

Another livestream censored the word “redskin;” that also caused a bit of a furor. At least the physical media I have of all the shorts doesn’t have those edits, right or wrong. The Looney Tunes no longer having a place on Max is another reason why I’m glad to have physical media of various LT cartoons. As for Spook Louder, it foretold that in the future, there’d be more horror-comedy shorts for the Stooges.

Back from the Front: 

(Short # 70 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

The Stooges are Merchant Marines this go-around. Even before the first scene is a disclaimer that “any resemblance of the characters in this picture to actual human beings is a dirty shame.” That’s a potshot at the Nazi villains of the movie and not the boys. After the expected seasickness gag, there’s calamity of them attempting to paint; after trying to attack “a whale” (actually a torpedo), the trio are adrift and unknowingly board a Nazi ship full of “goosestepping heels,” to use an actual phrase from Front.

On the rare occasions that Stanley Blystone, Vernon Dent AND Bud Jamison are in the same short, I get excited. Back from the Front was a very good time between the routines, the verbal puns, and the successful lampooning of those goosestepping heels. Laughs were derived from the likes of beans, water coming through portholes, and for what I remember the last time, Moe cosplaying as Hitler.

As there’s also a cute dog along w/ a nice song and dance routine at the beginning, Back from the Front was a very good time.