Runtime: 81 long minutes
Directed by: Nicholas
Webster
Starring: A bunch of
random people, plus kid Pia Zadora
From: Jalor Productions
You know, Voldar made some good points...
I had seen this movie before, and not just on MST3K. I might as well give this pile of crap a proper review here even though many have seen it via MST3K and/or its offshoots, or at least know the general plot. I have no idea if the kids of the 60's actually enjoyed this or not, but as an adult in almost 2019... Martians is pretty painful.
The children of Mars now get television signals from Earth and it's rotting their minds; complaints about TV or smartphones doing that now... it's not a new phenomenon. The head Martian (“cleverly named Kimar, as in “King Martian”; some other characters have the same naming scheme) decides to kidnap Jolly Old Saint Nick and before you can say “Hooray for Santy Claus”, both him and two bad child actors... I mean “Earth children” are in a spaceship and they get their asses to Mars. Santa does not conquer anything but perhaps I am thinking too hard about that.
It seems like shooting fish in a barrel to nitpick how so many things here make zero sense due to the target demographic they obviously were going for... but this story does not really hold up to any kind of scrutinizing. I can be more forgiving of how incredibly cheap everything looked due to what had to be a minuscule budget; that includes the giant robot known as Togo, which (to borrow a phrase from a mutual) might as well have been named Torgo. The character of Dropo being way over the top in being obnoxious and acting like he has some sort of mental handicap, that is unforgivable to me.
The aforementioned Voldar-who is the villain of the film-had quite the look of a giant mustache to go along with the silly green outfit and green paint covering all of his skin. This last viewing, I realized he had some good points, although the film did not want his opinion to be seen as valid. But they were, whether it was talking about the Martians becoming soft or not wanting to bring the Earth kids along because they would F things up... Of course Voldar doesn't help his cause in the final act when he and his minions do something really stupid but even then I realize this bad guy was pretty entertaining between his look and his eternal grumpiness.
However, if you ever wanted to see a motion picture where Santa is rather naive and acts like he adds rum to his eggnog...
I had seen this movie before, and not just on MST3K. I might as well give this pile of crap a proper review here even though many have seen it via MST3K and/or its offshoots, or at least know the general plot. I have no idea if the kids of the 60's actually enjoyed this or not, but as an adult in almost 2019... Martians is pretty painful.
The children of Mars now get television signals from Earth and it's rotting their minds; complaints about TV or smartphones doing that now... it's not a new phenomenon. The head Martian (“cleverly named Kimar, as in “King Martian”; some other characters have the same naming scheme) decides to kidnap Jolly Old Saint Nick and before you can say “Hooray for Santy Claus”, both him and two bad child actors... I mean “Earth children” are in a spaceship and they get their asses to Mars. Santa does not conquer anything but perhaps I am thinking too hard about that.
It seems like shooting fish in a barrel to nitpick how so many things here make zero sense due to the target demographic they obviously were going for... but this story does not really hold up to any kind of scrutinizing. I can be more forgiving of how incredibly cheap everything looked due to what had to be a minuscule budget; that includes the giant robot known as Togo, which (to borrow a phrase from a mutual) might as well have been named Torgo. The character of Dropo being way over the top in being obnoxious and acting like he has some sort of mental handicap, that is unforgivable to me.
The aforementioned Voldar-who is the villain of the film-had quite the look of a giant mustache to go along with the silly green outfit and green paint covering all of his skin. This last viewing, I realized he had some good points, although the film did not want his opinion to be seen as valid. But they were, whether it was talking about the Martians becoming soft or not wanting to bring the Earth kids along because they would F things up... Of course Voldar doesn't help his cause in the final act when he and his minions do something really stupid but even then I realize this bad guy was pretty entertaining between his look and his eternal grumpiness.
However, if you ever wanted to see a motion picture where Santa is rather naive and acts like he adds rum to his eggnog...
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