They're Watching

They're Watching (2016)

Runtime: 95 minutes

Directed by: Jay Lender/Micah Wright

Starring: Brigid Brannagh, David Alpay, Kris Lemche, Mia Faith, Dimitri Diatchenko

From: Best Served Cold Productions

I watched this movie last night... it's been awhile since I've hated a motion picture this much! It's found footage horror but that wasn't why this raised my ire. I heard warnings about it from others and even then it was worse than what I could have imagined. If you love seeing the worst of humanity in a movie, then this will be perfect for you. Otherwise... this is bottom of the barrel entertainment, it really was. I deliver a long explanation below via my Letterboxd review as to why this made me so angry:

Oh, why did I not listen to the mutuals who saw this and gave scathing reviews? Maybe it was because I was amused by the poster art, or maybe because I laughed when I first read the description of “home improvement show” and I thought of the likes of Tim “The Toolman” Taylor, Al Borland, Wilson the Neighbor, Heidi, and all the rest. Then, when I dug deeper and realized that it was a spoof of those obviously fake shows on HGTV like House Hunters (which is supposed to be a legit look at home buyers purchasing a new dwelling; I know people who watch that crap so I've seen clips and even before reading online the stories of how it's all staged, I realized it was phony stupid garbage), it piqued my interest. Well... I've given plenty of movies bad ratings, but the lowest designation of half a star, that is pretty rare. I've rated and reviewed 987 films now in the 3 ½ years I've been a member of this site, and this is only the 17th time I have handed out the lowest possible score. This now joins the likes of Mr. Jones, Leonard Part 6, Theodore Rex, Hatchet III, The Ridiculous 6, and Foodfight! I hope I can convey why this offended me so.

The movie is in everyone's favorite genre, found footage horror! We follow a few members of the crew of an HGTV-like show. We first see a dopey couple purchase an old abandoned house in the middle of Moldova. As an aside, this is the only movie I've seen which was set in the country of Moldova. However, it was actually filmed in Romania. Considering all the horrible things that the movie said about the country, no wonder they did not actually film in Moldova. Anyhow, much of the movie is those people returning 6 months later to see what the house looks like now. Only, the crew is downright loathsome and they understandably tick off the locals. In addition, someone is involved in certain acts that were portrayed much much better in a film or two that got wide released early this year.

Believe me, calling these asshats loathsome is no exaggeration. It is focused on two young dudes and a young girl. All are nauseating presences, tremendously rude people who insult each other and the country they are in, act awfully towards the locals because they are “different”, and are not the type of people I wanted to spend an hour and a half with. Then, there's the producer character Kate; what an unflattering portrait of a woman. She always looks like a bitch and constantly yells & curses at everyone. Note that if this was a male character, I would hate him just as much due to the attitude and the invariable foul language you'd always get from them. Vladimir the real estate agent is as much a stereotype as you'd expect a dude named Vladimir in a bad movie to be, yet because he's not a piece of sewage, his presence was welcomed by me. Unfortunately, the Kate character is SO awful in a way that makes you want to shut off the movie and never finish it, not even goofy Vladimir and his hilariously colorful shirts could save it.

This is so amazingly bad. Besides the garbage story and all the characters acting like morons because the script asked them to, you figure out things long before the characters do (even when things are blatantly telegraphed) and then you have moments which made me really question if this is actually a “comedy” like it's billed on such sites as the IMDb and Wikipedia. Even before this moment laughs were as rare as my giving out half a star ratings. But, one of the guys tells the girl a teary-eyed horrifying story of how he was in the Middle East and he saw a 10 year old girl get killed with a knife and he has guilt over it... so the guy and girl start making out then they have sexual intercourse?! I swear, this actually happened! Was this supposed to be hilarious... was I supposed to be horrified? I have no idea.

Then again, maybe the “comedy” label applies to all the atrocious CGI that is present in the finale of the movie. I mean, we're talking the cheapest of the SyFy Channel original movies here; I did laugh at how terrible they looked. Or maybe it was the most awkward lead-in to a sex scene in movie history was supposed to be gut-busting hilarious. Personally, maybe I shouldn't be surprised something like this came from a pair of people who worked on such things as a Call of Duty game (I've never played one but I know they aren't exactly beloved due to the stories they tell) and SpongeBob SquarePants. Not to get sidetracked, but I really am befuddled as most of what is popular among “the youth” of the 21st century. Just in the television world, what I've seen and know about such things as SpongeBob, Robot Chicken, Adult Swim (yes, even Rick & Morty, guys), all those obviously fake “reality” shows that most people can't seem to realize are obviously fake... I just don't get it; I certainly don't find it good or entertaining. It's why I've mentioned as of late how unlike many think these days, being gross and vulgar does not necessarily = funny, let alone entertainment I will get enjoyment out of.

All that said... maybe that is why I actually have seen some glowing reviews for this here and elsewhere. God bless those fans, but it is impossible for me to get behind this movie at all. Maybe if you enjoy hanging out with A-holes all the time this is for you. Otherwise, beware.