Jurassic World

Jurassic World (2015)

70% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 199 reviews)

Runtime: 124 minutes

Directed by: Colin Trevorrow

Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio, Ty Simpkins, Nick Robinson

From: Universal

Yep, this is me causing more controversy. A lot of people are willing to accept the flaws of this weirdly directed film but I am just not able to. I ramble on a bit but I have a long Letterboxd review below which explains why I did not like this and all and also complain about the terribleness coming out of Hollywood these days.

I hate to be even wordier than I usually am (and believe me I am just wordy in general when it comes to the online world; it's not just here) but I have to in this case. Also, note that I gave the original 4 ½ stars and the two sequels are 2 ½ stars each. Yes, I even liked the sequels far more than this motion picture.

In short, I can't ever remember a time where I didn't feel “different”, or “odd” or “strange”. I've just always been that way, which is fine sometimes as it means I am free to enjoy various different things in my life. I am happy to reject much of what's been hot in pop culture pretty much all through the 21st century and if anyone's ever noticed that me reviewing a modern superhero film is an extraordinarily rare occurrence, there's a reason for that... I don't care about any of them! Everyone else can go wild over the Marvel or DC films while I am content not paying any attention to them and doing other things instead.

But other times it really does stink and people seem to love reminding me that I am an unusual sort. While not right to my face it does smack me figuratively when I see various films rated here by people I follow-or I don't-and the general consensus is far different from me. Fury Road is the most obvious example. Just about everyone loves the film and yet I thought the story and characters were so bad and off-putting the motion picture was a massive disappointment to me.

A lesser example is this movie, where many can agree that there are massive issues with the script and characters and yet most can excuse them? No offense to anyone else but this is impossible for me to do. In the past I sort of did with a few modern blockbusters (i.e. just about everything the massively overrated J.J. Abrams or the massively overrated Christopher Nolan have done; The Dark Knight I still enjoy despite it being total nonsense) but honestly I should go back and review them again, as I would give them ratings closer to the 1 star I gave this. Of course there's the whole thing of me maybe just having finally had enough of these brainless way too expensive Hollywood corporate garbage films that get crapped out every year and most people eat up... or maybe I am just fed up with how most things in Hollywood or television are sequels/reboots, a problem that'll get far worse before it becomes better and it vanishes as actual original ideas will become chic again.

I don't really need to go into specifics on the plot as just about everyone reading this should at least be somewhat familiar with it, but there actually is a dinosaur park open now and due to alleged falling attendance, they decided to genetically create a brand new dinosaur. I knew all along the general conceit is extraordinarily stupid... I was hoping I could still enjoy it. Nope, just nope. This is the sort of movie that rails against corporate stupidity and yet the obvious fingerprints all over it due to corporate stupidity should be apparent to all. It complains about how corporations are ever-present in society and yet it's full of product placement from beginning to end. This is not satire, at least not done properly.

It is indeed true, the script is just atrocious. The story makes little sense and if you spend even a modicum of time thinking about it, it's thinner than tissue paper and falls apart completely. As I don't want to engage in spoilers I can't break it down specifically but the number of intelligence-insulting moments in this “tell instead of show” production are in the dozens. I've already seen other reviewers go more in-depth and they do a nice job explaining just why the story is a giant pile of dinosaur dung; hopefully you can stumble upon one of those reviews. To give a general example, characters change motivations on a whim, just because. A more specific example: the genetically modified character is named INDOMINOUS REX, allegedly because “it's easier for a 4 year old to say” than a typical dinosaur name. I swear this is true. At least with me, when I first hear a name like that, I think: “Oh yeah, that character in Fury Road...” instead of some goofy manufactured creature in a soulless crass thing like this is; it looks a lot like a T-rex, so how exactly will it increase attendance?

Then there's the characters... most of them are God-awful. From there being a pair of teenaged brothers who are both spectacularly sh*tty in different ways (one is hyper-active to an incredible degree and the other is a stereotypical D-bag teen who doesn't care about anything) except for them being as dull as cardboard to Jessica Chas... er, I mean Bryce Dallas Howard as the operations manager of the park who was far dopier and more annoying than Tea Leoni's character in the third one, it's just painful. Oh, and throughout the progression of the film Howard's character's outfit becomes more and more revealing. Someone with the film will probably say, “Oh, this is satire also”. Hogwash! It's the expected gross Hollywood behavior.

Star-Lord, Dinosaur Whisperer comes off the best although he unnaturally predicts what will happen next, as if he's read the script... Vincent D'Onofrio plays the type of character you'd probably expect Vincent D'Onofrio to play and as Howard's sister, I wish that Judy Greer would have actually played the role that Bryce had; the character still would have been crap-and someone who apparently spends the entire time in high heels, even running away from dinos or when she's in the jungle-but I know the performance would have been better, and it's about time that she's finally the bride instead of the bridesmaid when it comes to a big feature film.

Yes, you get to see many dinosaurs throughout and considering that I saw some cosplayers and a young lady in a green dinosaur outfit, I know this will be a massive hit, and I suppose many will be happy with it. Me, I just can't feel that way. At the risk of coming across as “that guy” on the Internet, it looks like I don't care that much about a lot of what passes as current entertainment in America this day and I prefer either things from other countries or stuff that's older. As for the ending, many seem to love it... while I just about howled with laughter at how preposterous it was and how it apparently was supposed to be totally serious, and it also will likely remind you of a famous film... from last year! I did have a rather terrible day yesterday so the so dopey it was funny stuff was nice... except that I was otherwise not entertained by all due to how bad this was and what a massive fail not to have my spirits lightened when I was in dire need of it.

If others want to eat up this offal, that is alright. If you want to get mad about some of the things I criticize here (which I know will happen) I won't be offended. I'll just sit here and proudly proclaim that this is by far the worst movie in the franchise, a heartless movie without care or soul and I'll also loudly state that modern corporate Hollywood is just not for me, and I wish we could get the magic and warm feelings from movies such as... the original Jurassic Park.