Masterblaster

Masterblaster (1987)

Runtime: The copy I found online was only 85 minutes long; I do not know if that's the definitive version or not

Directed by: Glenn R. Wilder

Starring: Jeff Moldovan, Donna Rosea, Joe Hess, Robert Goodman

From: Overseas Film

This was not what I was planning on watching last night but, once again I can thank Letterboxd; now, I had heard of this movie before. It was even recommended for a bad movie podcast but it hasn't been chosen by the hosts... at least not yet. You see, this is a movie about PAINTBALL, and how someone is using live rounds and killing people during a big tournament. This sounded like something I'd find to be hilarious. The IMDb plot description (what's posted is hilarious in of itself) then me writing about it on Letterboxd:

“The national 'Gotcha' championship brings a variety of queer fellows together. A Vietnam veteran always looking for adventure, a female police officer with a trauma, because she once could not shoot in the right moment, a Japanese martial-arts master always looking for the opportunity to train his skills as well as some people who wish nothing more as to get the 50,000 dollars which await the winner. All in all it could be an exciting weekend, when suddenly the game becomes reality as someone is shooting live rounds. ”

This was not what I was planning on watching last night; however, several people here have posted reviews for it the past day or two (via it being uploaded to a certain streaming video website) and as I have actually heard of this movie before, I was happy to be able to see it and I figured I should do it immediately before it could possibly be taken down.

The title's great (sad to say it has nothing to do with the Stevie Wonder song; as this is a low buck production you shouldn't dream of the song being in the film itself; however it does have a hilarious 80's-riffic soundtrack, especially the incredible slick R&B opening/closing credits ditty) and the plot: it's all about paintball! A wide assortment of amazing people go to Florida for a big tournament, but someone starts killing the competitors. Which one of the red herrings is it, or is it someone else?

Oh, do I ever enjoy laughing at the 1980's, and believe me I enjoy a silly low budget action movie from the period, and this is definitely one of those; I just about howled with laughter often. I'll warn everyone that from the next paragraph on I'll be giving some details as to why I rate this so highly (it's mainly due to entertainment value rather than the quality of filmmaking present) and in case anyone reading this wants to watch this for a podcast in the future (hey, it's possible), I'll advise you to stop reading after the next paragraph.

To sum it up, the soundtrack is SO dated it's great, the characters are all wacky and over the top (my favorite being the rather astounding looking guy who is best described as if you put John Travolta, Warren Oates and Clint Howard in Seth Brundle's Telepod and they're combined into one human being), there's T&A, violence, some nice fight scenes, and stuff you sure as heck couldn't do today, such as all the racist, homophobic and sexist slurs. It's directed by a stuntman (yes, his only film) and to me that's a good thing as you have a good idea what to expect. For those of you that enjoy such movies, I highly recommend this, especially if you enjoy stuff like Miami Connection.

Now, onto some details:

* There's a theme song called Masterblaster; it's so bad it's knee-slapping funny and you hear it a few times

* The people you see in the tournament are broad stereotypes, from a pair of Cubans who wear such things as black mesh shirts and anti-Castro white t-shirts (that's Snake and Monk, the Travolta/Oates/Howard guy) to a Vietnam vet with issues, racist rednecks to a middle-aged Japanese guy who of course is “descended from samurais.”

* The opening bit of the movie is some of the people in the tournament meeting at a random bar/restaurant in the middle of nowhere, and the Vietnam vet gets into a brawl with some other rednecks (not to be confused with the rednecks in the tournament), the leader of that group looking like a bearded Chris Pratt.

* The movie pretty much has a laugh track in one scene; it's supposed to be the other people in the room laughing at various jokes, but it was pretty much a laugh track.

* One of the people in the tournament is a “rock star” who drives a sweet Porsche 911 convertible and he looks like Brian Bosworth, blonde mulleted hair and all.

* A random dance party happens in the woods the night before the tournament; really.

* The people who run the tournament include a young woman with dark blonde hair who obviously doesn't wear a bra-the film zooms in on this to make it as clear as possible-and a large humanoid who is best described as a fat 400 pound version of Hulk Hogan, in one scene he wears a shirt that says BROAD SIDE OF A BARN. It does lead to a joke and it did make me chortle.

* I did guess who the killer was; their motivation, though, that did come as a surprise.

Overall, I had a great time with this; I laughed often as this piece of crap. I'll return tomorrow afternoon.