Foodfight!

Foodfight! (2012)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Directed by: Lawrence Kasanoff

Starring: The voices of Charlie Sheen, the Duff sisters, Eva Longoria, Christopher Lloyd

From: Threshold Entertainment

Yes, I finally saw this infamous computer animated film, the source of many interesting articles about its making (it took about a decade for it to come out!), from how hard drives containing the completed film were allegedly stolen thus necessitating them starting all over to other nonsense... also, there's 80 different brand logos that appear as characters-albeit minor background ones, from Mr. Clean and the California Raisins to Mrs. Buttersworth and Charlie Tuna. I heard from many reliable sources how atrocious this film was, but it's available for free on YouTube (you didn't hear that from me) so I couldn't resist. Oh, what a mistake I made!

The plot, modified by me from the IMDb: “Dex, a superdog sleuth (Dex Dogtective actually dresses like Indiana Jones), is the law of the land when the world's most recognized brands take on the forces of evil and the devilish Brand X.” Note that this takes place in a supermarket that has a life of its own when it's empty (hmmm, doesn't sound like Toy Story to me at all...) and this is actually basically a remake of Casablanca. Really. That includes the Nazi symbolism stuff, as horrifying as it is in a movie designed for children.

This is as bad as you may have heard. Let me list just a few reasons why:

* The animation. It's horrible. It's flat and looks like something made for a few bucks by a cheap outfit for-say, a car dealership or some other local organization that advertises after the mainstream commercial products and before the show starts back up. I heard it compared to the title character in The General ads and that is a fair comparison. It looks like they did the bare minimum and it looks like stuff wasn't even finished. It's appalling that this is animation you see in a feature length film with its cast released in early 2013. That doesn't even take into account how the characters move about or how the camera almost constantly moves for no real good reason... or how many look absolutely terrifying.

* This film is not for children! It's a PG rated thing for family but it's not something you should ever show your children; I have twin nephews who are around 18 months old now, and I would be horrified if they ever saw it, especially at that young age. There's double entendres all around, weird sexual stuff, an actual reference to Requiem for a Dream, Wayne Brady playing an odious comic relief chocolate squirrel who's basically a bad caricature that could be called offensive (he once uses the phrase “chocolate frosting” when talking to a female; that's not OK! There's far more examples of him saying such questionable things), and so much more. That's not even considering...

* The Nazi stuff. You see the SS Eagle symbol used as the Brand X (the villains of this picture), for crying out loud! There's even a cleaning agent involved and as disgusting as it is, you are supposed to think about “cleansing”.

* The story itself is just atrocious. Things make no sense and there's plenty of awful puns, many of which are more painful than funny. Although, I don't know what to think of the male vampire furry thing having what looks like a hunger for the chocolate squirrel; if he is gay, then that's alright with me.

* The music also is bad. There are some “songs”, and they stink. 

Besides the people listed, the voice talent includes the likes of Chris Kattan, Harvey Fierstein, Ed Asner, Jerry Stiller, and Edie McClurg; they're listed on Wikipedia but not IMDb; I'm sure they're fine with that.

There are plenty of articles, YouTube reviews (the most popular one being from The Nostalgia Critic), and podcast episodes devoted to this atrocity. All of them are better than actually watching this, and they're all shorter too. It's a painful agonizing hour and a half. Never watch it and please please please never show it to children! It's one of the worst movies I've ever seen and that's no exaggeration.

I'll return tomorrow night, and if I see another film it'll be a guarantee it's better than this.