Friday, January 31, 2014

South Beach

South Beach (a.k.a. Night Caller) (1993)

Runtime: 88 minutes (that's the copy I saw, anyhow)

Directed by: Fred Williamson/Alain Zaloum

Starring: Fred Williamson, Gary Busey, Peter Fonda, Vanity, Sam J. Jones (yes, the '80 Flash Gordon)

From: Po' Boy Productions

Note that the bones of this review are what I posted on Letterboxd earlier today but I've expanded on it for here.

I'll be honest, I was on Letterboxd last night & I was buzzed from consuming some alcoholic beverages. I decided to look through Williamson's films and I saw this poster and as there was Busey, I decided to do some investigating and I saw the cast and I was like, YES, I had to see this. Besides the people I mentioned, there was Isabel Sanford, Stella Stevens, Robert Forster, and even Henry Silva. 

I was able to find it not on YouTube but another streaming video site. I know, it's not completely ethical but this is so obscure...

I started watching and for about the first 10 minutes I thought this would get rated real highly by me. You see a bad guy harass a female phone sex operator and he's in a filthy apartment with cockroaches and some crushed cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The Hammer-who has the awesome name of MACK DERRINGER-later drinks a can of PBR, which I thought was great. Then you see Williamson and Busey (they are a pair of private investigators) on a golf course and it's hilarious. Busey is at his Busey-est and wow. From how he warms up to him yelling HEY, his golf shoes being sneakers to sticking a golf club between his legs in a phallic manner... LOL is my reaction.

There's a duel plot of a psycho (played by Flash Gordon, Sam J. Jones!) going after the ex-wife of The Hammer (she was played by Vanity and believe it or not you do NOT see her tatas; you do see the boobs of another girl, though) & Fred has to go after the Mob for their attempted shakedown of some business owners. The two don't really intersect and unfortunately, by the end things become REAL confused and even now I can't adequately explain all that happened; it wasn't the booze that clouded things, either. Things did not look to be fully resolved, I know that much. I also know it's quite a mess.

Besides the befuddlement, there's how some of the stars listed have glorified cameos (Silva only appears in one scene, unfortunately), Busey having more deus ex machina moments than are present in The Expendables 2 (I love that film but it's a legit criticism) and too much of the movie was filmed in the dark with improper lighting so things can be real hard to see.

Still, I give it an average rating as its ineptness can be rather funny. There's also such material as Peter Fonda with a long ponytail and a huge mustache, Isabel Sanford in a wheelchair escaping a bad guy by stabbing him in the leg with a bobby pin, and everything that Busey does. Oh My God I swear he was high as a kite the entire time and he improv'ed everything. He laughs like Pee Wee Herman, grossly refers to a woman as a SLUTPUPPY, and calls Peter Fonda a TURNIP HEAD. If someone put together a 10 minute video of this movie's highlights it'd be awesome, but alas... at least this random discovery wasn't a total waste of time.

I shall return early tomorrow night, hopefully with another movie to review. I'll be staying sober tonight, though.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Robin Hood, Arrows, Beans & Karate

Robin Hood, Arrows, Beans and Karate (Storia Di Karate, Pugni E Fagoli) (1974)

Runtime: 80 minutes (at least that's the version I watched)

Directed by: Tonino Ricci

Starring: Dean Reed, Cris Huerta, Iwao Yoshioka, Alfredo Mayo, Fernando Sancho

From: National Cinematografica/Producciones Cinematograficas Balcazar

My apologies for this being up a little bit late. It just happened that way and plus, I won't be back until Friday night as among other things, I need to thoroughly clean my room and if I do watch anything it'll likely be something I've seen already and reviewed here but will do for my Letterboxd page for the first time.

Here's a random movie which I'll explain why I watched. Last month I talked about a Dean Reed documentary and I explained how a singer from Colorado ended up becoming a huge star in the Iron Curtain countries during the Cold War, only to die a few years before the Cold War ended. He acted in some movies during his life and looking through his filmography on IMDb, I noticed that there was a movie with this title and I laughed hysterically, as it is a rather incredible title. I mentioned the title of this Italian/Spanish motion picture last month.

I am not sure if this person wanted to be ID'ed by name but I'll say that someone from Germany who had e-mailed me before sent me another e-mail to inform me someone uploaded the movie onto YouTube recently, under the title Karate Fists & Beans. As I HAD to watch a movie with such a title, I thanked them and this is what I did tonight.

The plot, from the IMDb: “Sam and Buddy, two highway robbers, join with Colonel Quint, a big crook, who sold his services to Morgan, the banker, in order to free Baby, the banker's daughter, abducted by Espartero and his killer gang.” There's also such things as Sam and Buddy becoming a part of a religious order just for some food, and Baby of course not actually being an infant. It's so obvious it isn't even really a spoiler.

Overall... what a wacky and unsubtle film, at least as presented in the English dub. I am just glad there was an English dub to watch rather than it being in another language; the YouTube copy also has hard . The movie is more of a comedy than anything else, which is fine. Sam and Buddy are like Terence Hill and Bud Spencer. Buddy is also a fat bearded dude. Once he finally eats food he chews loudly and burps. Like I said, unsubtle. Hell, there's an Asian cook (Yoshioka) who cooks a dog (hmmm, THAT is not racist at all...) and his dubbed voice is really stereotypical, and not in a good way. Then again, this is a motion picture where there's a joke about a horse being gay. Really. How it's done was amusing but that was the joke.

The movie, I say that it's goofy but it is entertaining and while I don't know if I'd watch it again I have no complaints about seeing it one time. I did laugh often enough and I was amused at other times so it definitely isn't a bad film... it's just that at times it's obvious it is an edited version as there are some hard transitions.

Like I said I'll be back Friday night.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

I Talk About Star Wars (Yes, The Original)

Normally here I'd provide the details of what I'm going to talk about in the review, such as its runtime or its cast, but I don't need to as I am talking about Star Wars, and by that I mean the original 1977 classic that I've seen in its many forms many times now. From the 1990 VHS release of the first three in the franchise in a box set that my parents got (and I watched those three tapes often) to seeing the 1997 theatrical re-release of this movie but with “enhanced effects” and “added material” (including the nonsense changes with Greedo shooting first and before they fixed it the horrible effect of early CGI Jabba the Hutt), to the DVD and then the Blu-Ray release of the alleged “new and improved” versions, I have seen the movie too many times to count and it's great.

But, the original movie as seen in 1977 is the best version, I say. It is the version that many have fallen in love with and I am sure that most would agree with me in preferring to see the theatrical versions of what is now known as Episodes IV through VI on Blu-Ray along with the alleged “better” versions but for some reason that didn't happen and even with Disney now owning everything who knows for certain if they'll do that, even if it makes the most sense to do so.

That's why it has taken random people online to try and create a pristine version of Episodes IV through VI as seen in their original theatre releases rather than all the other versions out there that officially got a better release. Of course there's a DVD release that had the original print of the films... but they just looked bad (apparently from the laserdisc release) and and they weren't even anamorphic widescreen; I haven't seen that but I imagine it looked like crap. I am not sure how they did it but someone created a “despecialized” version of the movies to try and make it HD quality as it should have been released. Not that I dropped a hint by mentioning it's “despecialized” or tell you it's from a Czech dude named Harmy or that there's a few versions and it's now to version 2.5...

Anyhow, I've only “acquired” the 1977 movie and not the other two yet. But I can tell you that it looks and sounds great. It is indeed HD quality. While I can borrow someone's Blu-Rays to see the episodes that way, it is indeed a treat to be able to see the OG versions not via fullscreen nor by the cool but antiquated laserdisc prints but instead in high quality. It is the first time I got to see it in widescreen like my parents did; oh they saw all of them on the big screen and I remember them telling me that they paid to see it loved it, and then were able to convince the manager for them to stick around in order to watch the movie again until after the cantina scene, as they thought that scene was awesome and they wanted to check out all the unique creatures again. True story.

I don't need to tell you what the story is about. So, let me say that even in 2014 it's still awesome entertainment. I know it's not the most complex story and you can make fun of various things (like the acting or the dialogue) and some of it you can tell it did not have the highest budget or the best sets. It doesn't matter when the story is so entrancing and you care about all the characters and you want the rebels to take down the evil empire. It's familiar tropes and storytelling but that's why it works: it's basic concepts that have existed and worked since the art of storytelling began thousands of years ago and it has such things as The Hero's Journey and plottwists along the way, a scoundrel showing his good side, etc. Those movies are still classics and it's a damn shame how Episodes I through III turned out. But, the Red Letter Media reviews of those motion pictures (aside from the needless off-putting bizarre material they unfortunately put in there) do a great job in explaining why they don't work and why Episodes IV through VI do work, and work so well.

I'll return Sunday night.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

An Update Re: My Best of 2013 List

No, I didn't see anything for tonight; I will tomorrow and it'll be something special unless something really goes awry. So, I'll be back tomorrow night.

It likely won't be until early March until I post my Best of 2013 list. For the past few years, AMC Theatres have devoted two days before the Academy Awards showing the Best Picture nominees, and I've never participated in it before... but I am thinking I will on March 1; I'd be seeing Gravity again but there's also Nebraska, Captain Phillips, Her, and American Hustle. There are many directors I think are overrated (I know, blasphemy) but it's very well possible there's at least one that would go on the list. Plus, I have more time to catch up on any other possible candidates for the list.

Like I said I'll be back tomorrow night.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Happy MLK Day

I hope that everyone is having a nice Martin Luther King Jr. day today. Me... today I got my new glasses; I had an eye exam a week and a half ago. Besides getting used to the new prescription, I am SO tired and exhausted today; I do not know why but the past few nights I haven't gotten a lot of consistent sleep so now I am on fumes and I wouldn't do a good review even if I tried to do one now. So, I'll return on Wednesday and I hope I'll feel better by then.

Friday, January 17, 2014

The Secret Of The Dirk

The Secret of the Dirk (Da Luo Jian Xia) (1970)

Runtime: 78 minutes

Directed by: Teng Hung Hsu

Starring: Yi Chang, Pei-pei Shu, Li Ching, Hsiung Chao

From: Shaw Brothers

From the same random dude on YouTube who uploaded what I watched last night, here's another obscure Shaw Brothers movie (one that's even more obscure than the last one, judging by online votes and such). No, the secret in the title isn't what a “dirk” is. I'll be honest, the only dirk I know was Dirk Nowitski, the famous NBA basketball player. Thanks to Google, I discovered what it means; it is “a long thrusting dagger” used by mainly naval officers of old across the world. Yes, dirks do factor into the movie and one of them does have a secret. It's not like The Secret of the Ooze, either.

To steal the plot from Letterboxd: “The lovely Ching Li and handsome Chang I star as star-and-sword-crossed comrades who take on the vicious Black Tigers gang in a quest for hidden wealth. There's action galore, until the final, fiery fight in a temple of treasure.” To elaborate, several different entities are looking for a treasure that was the property of the rich people of a sieged town, thus it's important to some people. Such things appear as wacky wire-fu (there's a good amount of that present), an old mute man, and statues of bodhisattva.

While this wasn't as good as what I watched last night, I still enjoyed it. It's short, has a nice amount of action and along with the sword action (including several of them being used at the same time) there's also some martial arts. While the story doesn't always make sense, things move along briskly and it's always entertaining so I won't complain. You also get blood spurting out of wounds and a neat way of using an arrow. As for the dialogue (at least in the subtitles), some of it is wacky. While you actually get, “A friend in need is a friend indeed”, there's also “On this day next year is the first anniversary of your death!”, which is badass.

Sorry, not too much else to say about this entry. The plot at its most basic is rather simple and yet I don't want to say more and spoil how the story gets fleshed out. I shall return on Monday night.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Killer Darts

Killer Darts (Zhui Hun Biao) (1968)

Runtime: 84 minutes (at least that's the version I saw)

Directed by: Meng Hua Ho

Starring: Ping Chin, Hua Yueh, Siu Hung Cham, Pei-Shan Chang

From: Shaw Brothers

I'll be honest here, I picked this movie as a random YouTube user has up a bunch of obscure Shaw Brothers movie and noticed this was one of them, and to be frank the title made me laugh... a movie called Killer Darts! I then read the plot description and it sounded interesting to me. Via Letterboxd:

“They brutally killed his wife, wiped out dozens of his innocent people, and burnt his entire village down to a charbroiled crisp. Now, master Liou Wen-lung (Fang Mien) is out for revenge. Armed with a near-invincible sword style and a pack of killer darts, he heads out to settle a 10-year old grudge with the cold-blooded evildoers. Joining him is his son (Yueh Hua), an orphan named Yu Sien (Chin Ping) and his trusty servant.” That is part of it. There's also how Liou used to have a student but the student was banished after he tried raping a woman, and he did kill her and her husband; that's how the orphan Yu Sien became an orphan. It's no surprise that as the kids become adults the ex-student would reappear and he would meddle in things, especially considering that there's also a love triangle with Yu, the son and another young lady.

The movie moves pretty fast, for the most part. I mean, the opening scene is the village being burned down and all that carnage happening. They did not waste any time getting to it. I was always interested in the film. The story was pretty cool and I was never bored by it... and I enjoyed the action scenes too. Note that there's no martial arts to speak of. Rather, it's a traditional wuxia movie. 

Besides the title darts (which don't appear all that often) there's the third lady in the love triangle being great at archery, and there's plenty of action with swords. It's filmed pretty well and there's nice long shots, both in distance and duration. The sword stuff is especially pretty cool. There's one bit where in one steady shot the hero kills like 25 guys in 15 seconds with his sword. That was pretty great. There are bitchin' moments throughout and at times you do see a good amount of blood. Hell, someone cuts off their hand up to their wrist to avoid the effects of the killer dart, and later on you see him with an Iron Fist; it wasn't the RZA who came up with that idea on his own.

Overall, for a movie I picked out just for its title, I was pleasantly surprised I enjoyed it as much as I did. Exploring the obscure Shaw Brothers catalogue may be a lot of fun for me. I'll be back tomorrow night.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

39% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 67 reviews)

Runtime: 84 minutes

Directed by: Christopher Landon (believe it or not, his dad is Michael Landon)

Starring: Andrew Jacobs, Jorge Diaz, Gabrielle Walsh, Renee Victor, Noemi Gonzalez

From: Paramount

Yes, I eventually went and saw this motion picture, my first 2014 movie. I figured I should given that I've watched all the previous four on the big screen and while the 4th was pretty bad, it's still tradition. In fact, here are the reviews of the four movies done by me. Just click on the titles for the reviews

PA 1

PA 2

PA 3

PA 4

In 2014, I'd rate the movies 1, 3, 2, and way below that, 4. As for this one-the 5th in the series-I knew it would be “Latino-themed” but aside from having a real wacky moment in the climax spoiled, I was really in the dark on what it was about aside from it being notably different from the first four.

I went and saw this in a place I only rarely see movies at: about an hour southwest of where I live, a.k.a. Lakeland. I decided to go there as I wanted to visit a place or two down there that I am not able to experience closer to home... and just this past Friday a brand new fancy Cinemark Theatres opened connected to a mall. All of them have big screens and fancy sound systems & it sounded like a pretty neat place. More on that in a bit.

To steal part of the plot description from the IMDb: “Jessie begins experiencing a number of disturbing and unexplainable things after the death of his neighbor. As he investigates, it isn't long before Jessie finds he's been marked...” 

The story overall is done differently from the first four, which offers a breath of fresh air and made it more interesting for me. I won't spoil much but this doesn't have people filming stuff on stationary cameras during the night; rather it's hand-held and you get to follow a pair of Hispanic males, 18 years old and they have a lower-class more normal background than the rich people that you have in the first 4 films. Those two were pretty funny and amusing in how they acted; they were typical teenage males, meaning they busted each other's balls often and they were girl-crazy.

Overall, I did enjoy the movie. Sure, it has some really wacky/odd moments (especially the ending, where they went in an incredible direction) but along with the amusing moments there were enough creepy/scare moments for me and the story was never boring. I am glad I did not hate this movie and I can now feel more confident in the franchise. The story is actually expanded on (and it makes the 4th even more superfluous and pointless) and while I think that some parts of the mythology don't make 100% sense at that point... at the time I was entertained so I won't complain.

Concerning the Cinemarks Theatres I saw it at, they now have new theatres across the country known as NextGen, which means all auditoriums have a giant screen and fancy sound system, with one XD screen that is huge and tries to be IMAX quality. The joint looks real nice and the concessions is mostly self-serve. I did think it was done very well and if I lived closer I would be there more often. The picture quality didn't really matter but I know the sound system was effective; that was appreciated with me as that is important in the series, various sounds and the signature sound of the mysterious entities.

I'll be back Thursday night.

Concerning The Shooting In Wesley Chapel

I mentioned this last night, but yesterday there was a shooting at a movie theatre in Wesley Chapel, Florida; that is about a half hour northeast of Tampa and I've never seen a movie at that location but I've heard of the joint before.

The full story is here, but to be brief, a retired police officer shot some dude in his 40's after the dude in his 40's texted his young daughter during the previews for a movie. While I do think it's rude to do such a thing during the previews, killing someone over it... yikes. It is rare for me to have issues while at a movie theatre but there have been problems in the past and I have been the guy to go and complain to a manager about people being Troglodytes. I now have to have this incident in the back of my mind whenever I am at the cineplex.

It's pretty awful how a lot of people act in movie theatres now and it's ridiculous how chains have to give out warnings telling people not to act like A-holes; but, trying to combat this with shooting someone? Wow, no. I unfortunately don't think the problem is going to go away with how people just act rude in general... but going to those extreme lengths to "send a message" or what have you is not the way to do it. I just hope I never have to witness such a thing with my own eyes, as talk about something that would haunt me for the rest of my life and cast a pall on my movie watching.

I'll be back tonight with a movie review.

Monday, January 13, 2014

A Delay... For A Good Reason

Well, I was hoping that at this time I'd be posting a review of what I saw on the big screen today, which was the newest Paranormal Activity movie. However, soon after I got back from spending some time in the city of Lakeland (where I saw it) I heard the news about there being a shooting and killing in the Florida town of Wesley Chapel. It was at a place I have never been to but have heard of before. That sort of news is sad and depressing (the joint is only about a 60 mile drive from where I live) and it gave me less motivation to do any sort of reviews tonight.

So, tomorrow I'll do an extremely rare thing: TWO posts. In the afternoon I'll talk about the theatre shooting and in the evening I'll talk about PA: The Marked Ones.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Executioners From Shaolin

Executioners From Shaolin (Hong Xi Guan)(1977)

Runtime: 101 minutes

Directed by: Chia-Liang Liu

Starring: Kuan Tai Chen, Lily Li, Lieh Lo, Yue Wong, Chia-Hui Liu

From: Shaw Brothers

This was the Shaw Brothers Studio film I picked out to watch after the passing away of Sir Run Run Shaw; mainly it is because it was one of four movies in a DVD set I got real cheap from the mostly used DVD/Blu-Ray movie store known as MovieStop, which is a tremendous place to find films for a sweet price. I have heard this is a pretty famous film among the many that they did. Tarantino loved it so much that he borrowed the character of Pai Mei (the villain who is noteworthy for his skills and his white hair) from this for Kill Bill Vol. 2, who is played by another person from this movie as Lieh Lo (who played him here) passed away before the Tarantino film was filmed.

To copy the plot description from the IMDb: “A couple unite - she is fluent in the crane style of kung fu, he in tiger style. They have a son, but the boy's father is killed by the evil eunuch Pai Mei. Disguised as a girl, his mom trains him in crane style while he secretly learns tiger style from his father's training manual.” This is true although it simplifies things. The first part of the story covers how the boy's father wants revenge against Pai Mei for killing his master. Dad meets up with his wife to be and soon they have a kid, named Wending. When Wending is 10, his dad fights Pai Mei but does poorly; however he finds out that you have to strike his vital points between 1 and 3 PM. Why, I am not sure but go with it. Then, you see Wending as an adult and it's finally time for dad to get revenge... only it goes awry and it's time for the son to fight.

This was quite entertaining and I am glad I finally watched it after wanting to for a few days. Things are choreographed so well. There are great fighting scenes, creative stuff involving various props, and definitely some wackiness. The groom has to literally try to spread the bride's legs apart to consummate the marriage, which he has problems with. His buddies want to listen to them have sex. Like I said, wacky. That helps add some levity to what is a serious story about family and revenge.

I don't know if it was an issue with this version of the movie or if it's in all versions, but it ends rather abruptly and that was disappointing. Other than that, I enjoyed this movie as besides the action and the story, all the sets look very nice and the actual locations they filmed at were pretty. If you enjoy the genre then you should check this out.

I will return Monday night.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

RIP Sir Run Run Shaw

Well, I was hoping to also include a review with this, but:

* Today I got my first eye exam in over 10 years. I have real sensitive eyes so that whole experience wasn't the most pleasant ordeal and having my eyes dilated... I still don't feel 100% from it. I can see alright but I have a headache and maybe I shouldn't be looking at a small bright screen tonight. Looking at a computer screen is probably bad enough.

* I had to assist someone with some things and that ate up some time.

I will be back tomorrow night with something. I am really hoping it's finally a review but who knows with how this year has gone so far.

For awhile I was thinking it was about time to watch another Shaw Brothers film. Unfortunately it took the leader of the studio Sir Run Run Shaw dying at the age of 106 (or 107; I've heard both) a few days ago to finally make me do so. For me, the easiest thing to do to note his career is to point everyone to Time Magazine's article about the great man here, which talks about how influential the studio was, how it began and eventually became a big deal... along with the other ways that Shaw impacted the world, including running a TV station and giving much money to philanthropy causes. It sounds like he had a long eventful life and what a mark he left on the film-making world, especially in Asia.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Oh, My Schedule...

Unfortunately my schedule for this week has been busier than expected and while I will also be busy tomorrow, I still plan on returning tomorrow night to say some words about the recently departed Sir Run Run Shaw and unless something goes awry, after I say those words I will review a Shaw Brothers movie.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Shoot First, Die Later

Shoot First, Die Later (Il Poliziotto E Marcio) (1974) 

Runtime: 94 minutes

Directed by: Fernando Di Leo

Starring: Luc Merenda, Richard Conte, Delia Boccardo, Raymond Pellegrin, Gianni Santuccio

From: Cinemaster S.R.L.

Here is a movie I wasn't planning on watching until I found out early yesterday evening that it would be airing late in the night on TCM Underground. Yes, it's still around and it moved from Friday to Saturday night awhile ago. As it happened to be a poliziotteschi movie I hadn't seen before, of course I had to check it out that night. To steal the plot description from a random person on Letterboxd:

“Luc Merenda gives the performance of his career as a highly regarded police detective who is taking syndicate money in exchange for departmental favors. His father, a simple man, also works for the department but on a lower rung; he isn't jealous of his son, but rather proud of him, little knowing that he's a crooked cop. A series of events leads the young detective to ask his father for a favor (he wants a certain police report that is desired by the syndicate) and it doesn't take long for the detective's father to realize his son is on the take... which leads to numerous complications.” Yes, this is all accurate.

This isn't the wildest craziest or sleaziest movie I've seen in this genre. Di Leo's other contributions to the genre more fit that mark. On the other hand, there ARE sleazy moments, such as a woman being brutally beaten up, a flaming gay transvestite who looked a lot like Bruno Mars, no kidding. There's also some great ass-kicking and otherwise badass moments, including a great knee to the face and an awesome pimp slap literally delivered to a pimp.

However, this is still something I enjoyed. There's some nice violence, some quality car chases, and some shocking moments. One in particular would make PETA and their followers REALLY angry; or really, any pet lover would not be happy by the ruthlessness of it.

The main thing: this a serious story about a corrupt cop and what happens when his straight-arrow policeman dad discovers his son followed his footsteps but in the wrong way. That moment when the dad puts it all together... a powerful and quality scene and all their scenes together are done real well. This is yet another successful poliziotteschi motion picture. I love all those movies but this is right in the middle of the pack in the quality sub-genre, in my eyes. It does stand out as it's different and yet still ticks enough boxes to qualify for what fans want to see.

I'll be back Wednesday afternoon.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

JCVD

JCVD (2008)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: Mabrouk El Mechri

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Francois Damiens, Zinedine Soualem, Karim Belkhadra

From: Several different companies, including Gaumont

Here is a movie that ever since I first saw it on the big screen in the mainly arthouse theatre in the Orlando-area known as the Enzian I have hated, which goes against what many fans (especially action fans) and critics say, which is that it's great. I don't get it then why so many love it and after I watched it again late last night on Showtime Extreme...

To steal the plot from the IMDb: “Between his tax problems and his legal battle with his wife for the custody of his daughter, these are hard times for the action movie star who finds that even Steven Seagal has pinched a role from him! In JCVD, Jean-Claude Van Damme returns to the country of his birth to seek the peace and tranquility he can no longer enjoy in the United States.” That's part of it. The main part of the story is that Van Damme gets caught in a hostage situation at a local bank and he's made out by the loathsome (in the worst way) robbers to be the mastermind behind it.

Turns out, I may hate the movie even more now than I did before! It starts off fine as you see a low-budget scene being filmed with Van Damme and bizarrely, it's over the R&B song Hard Times, by Baby Huey, a massive 400 pound plus singer who had a great voice but sadly died real young due to a drug overdose. The song is great but I don't know if it fit the scene. It went downhill from there. 

You notice that for some reason the film's cinematography is a real washed-out colorless experience. I have no idea why this was done but it did not make the movie pleasing to watch. Everything has a gold sheen over it, and why would you do that for what's supposed to be a “realistic” look at Jean-Claude's life? The same goes for the jittery almost constantly moving camera, which I did not remember (but looking at a messageboard thread from the time, I DID note it) but now, it was bad. Then, you got a lot of misery as you get to see Van Damme in “real life” having a shitty life. Sure, in the past he DID have a shitty life; the biggest thing was he had a REAL bad drug problem in the late 90's which is why he vanished from the theatrical world and he did years of direct to video and DVD films, and his late 90's movies are either real strange or real awful. But, the way it's done is not entertaining at all; it's just there and not amusing aside from a few lines.

But what ruins it for me is where the crux of the movie takes place, in his home country of Belgium and he unwittingly is a part of the bank robbery. These villains... totally unappealing characters. They are villains in the worst way (and they are semi-competent at best, nearly constantly arguing with each other), to the point that you just want to turn the movie off. And yet real life Van Damme couldn't even try to take out one of those buffoons? They are more aggravating and obnoxious than threatening; then again the cops believe rather easily that Van Damme was the mastermind behind it. I don't get that.

Note that this isn't really an action movie at all. Rather, it's Van Damme being all contemplative and being all whiny and brooding about his life and how it is being middle-aged and blah blah blah... I know, many people apparently think it's hilarious that JCVD would be in an arthouse movie or that his performance wasn't bad. There's that but the story sucks, there's a lot of inconsistent stuff, the plot is a mess structure wise, the pacing is the opposite of good... and yet even though many people on Letterboxd note these issues, they still praise the movie! I do NOT get that at all. 

I was hoping that people would look down on this now once the novelty wore off, but apparently not. Sure, one of the villains looking like Severus Snape from the Harry Potter movies makes me laugh, but overall... screw this movie, to put it cleanly. It's ugly all around, from the tone to all the characters non-stop arguing and bickering with each other, Jean-Claude actually trying to follow the orders of those idiot crooks

Even a big bizarre surreal monologue Jean-Claude has at the end of the movie that everyone thinks is awesome... eh, no. It's more rambling nonsense than anything else. Again, why most people think this is awesome is a gigantic mystery to me. I just think it's arthouse Euro-douchy BS.

I'll be back tomorrow night as I discovered there's a movie on late tonight which I'll be watching.

Friday, January 3, 2014

An Announcement (But A Good One)

No review (there will be one tomorrow night, I promise) but I'd like to announce tonight that something I'll be doing for the Letterboxd site is that I'll be putting all the Asian films I see into one list. It'll likely have a simple title, like "Asian Films 2014" or "The Asian Films Project" or something along those lines. I hope that motivates me to watch more Korean cinema, which I've seen praised yet I've seen precious little of. I'll also see motion pictures from other countries in the area, likely the "Pacific Rim countries" or whatever you want to call that area.

What I'll watch next for tomorrow night will be from Europe instead of Asia but I promise it won't be long before I get started with the task of adding entries to to the list. In case you forgot, my Letterboxd page can be found here.