Altered

Altered (2006)

Runtime: 88 minutes

Directed by: Eduardo Sanchez

Starring: Adam Kaufman, Catherine Mangan, Brad William Henke, Michael C. Williams, Paul McCarthy-Boyington

From: Haxan Films

Here is a film I heard about from a horror thread on a messageboard. Several people recommended it so I figured I would watch it on Netflix before it expired on the 1^st of October. It is from the guy who directed The Blair Witch Project, which was fine and all, and also the reviewed by me earlier in the year Seventh Moon, which wasn't fine.

In terms of October and horror movies, I won't be seeing those and reviewing them exclusively. I'll do some, but I am pretty sure it'll be my usual variety.

I'll explain the basic plot; if you do see the film note that not everything is explained right away so at first you'll likely be confused: three redneck types are in the swampy woods of Florida hunting something; it turns out, they are looking for... an alien! They actually capture one; it is green-colored and is about human-sized and shaped. They bring it to the remote house of a pal (Kaufman) who is none too happy to see the alien again. You see, 15 years ago the gang and another dude met up with that alien species and it killed the another dude. So, they captured it for revenge. But, the alien has powers of its own (including mind control if you look in its eyes long enough) and needless to say it escapes and causes a lot of havoc. And the unknowing girfriend (Mangan; looks-wise, think Farrah from 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom. I don't watch those shows, but I know enough about them to know that Farrah is a terrible lady who just isn't very nice; thankfully this lady and her character aren't like that at all).

I wasn't sure about this at first. The overall situation is rather goofy and ridiculous. The guys at first come off as real dicks, yellling at each other and cursing at each other as if they were in a Rob Zombie movie. But stick with it as by the end you'll actually like these characters. The performances are all at least fine. The special effects are almost all practical. The monster is a guy in a suit rather than a crappy CGI creation that is obviously fake. The gore moments also were real instead of a computer effect. These are positive things and almost all of that looked really good for the small budget. There are several scary moments but this is more a thrill ride than anything else. It's mainly set in one location, which is rather nice.

I am glad I finally saw this film; besides it being something I liked, it was filmed in Central Florida over in Orange County, one county East of where I live. Believe me this is far better than Seventh Moon. The lighting is a lot better and you end up liking the characters, which was not the case in the film set in China.

I'll be back Monday night.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Runtime: 104 minutes

Directed by: Renny Harlin

Starring: Andrew Dice Clay, Lauren Holly, Maddie Corman, Wayne Newton

From: 20^th Century Fox

Yep, I saw this wacky and in some circles infamous film. I actually had seen it once before, but that was like 15 or some odd years ago; I barely remembered anything about it. That's why I am glad it was on Instant. I decided to give it a few as earlier in the year I saw some people on a messageboard give it a lot of praise.

The plot: Fairlane (Clay) is a “rock and roll detective”, even if he hates the term. He works with a pal/sometimes lover (Holly) and he ends up dealing with several cases at once, including a rock and roll star (Vince Neil!) passing away under odd circumstances, a woman (Priscilla Presley) asking him to look for a young girl, and a shock DJ (Gilbert Gottfried) asking him to find the same girl. At first things seem complicated but it all comes together in the end as you see that young girl (Corman) and a rich record producer (Newton).

Oh, what a film. It certainly isn't for all tastes. It is LOUD, in your face, gaudy, crass, crude... then again you can say that about the lead alone. If you don't like Clay's Diceman schtick, then of course you should never check this out as you'll hate it. It's vulgar and crass and it's also odd and wild; somehow, Fred Flintstone rings, a koala bear, d-bags and their Corvette, a sorority, and various singer cameos (Tone Loc, Sheila E., Neil, Morris Day), along with appearances by familiar actors (Ed O'Neill, Robert Englund as a crazy guy with an English accent, David Patrick Kelly) all get involved. Brash, yes, but overall the story is entertaining and it's not only fun to watch but it is an honest to goodness detective story, just one that is set in a neon color and insane world.

If you are able to tolerate such a film that is a real product of its time, you can enjoy this wild tale which is definitely unpredictible. There's even a random musical number from The Diceman. You'll also get some setpieces that are quite unique; for example, a car chase of sorts in a cemetery and a shootout battle in and then on the side of the Capitol Records building.

I'll be back Saturday night.

A Random Pair of 70's Schlock on Netflix Instant

TNT Jackson (1974)

Runtime: 69 minutes

Directed by: Cirio H. Santiago

Starring: Jeannie Bell, Stan Shaw, Pat Anderson, Ken Metcalfe

From: New World Pictures

The Norseman (1978)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Charles B. Pierce

Starring: Lee Majors, Cornel Wilde, Mel Ferrer, Jack Elam, Kathleen Freeman

From: American International Pictures

Here's a pair of obscure movies I found on Netflix Instant... well, one of them I found by it being recommended on the homepage of Instant, while the other I found out about via a website that mentioned it. First, the blaxploitation/kung-fu movie known as TNT Jackson, which is a great title at least.

Here is the plot to TNT, filmed mainly in the Philippines: TNT (Bell) goes to Hong Kong to go look for her missing brother; the brother ends up being killed so she gets involved in getting her killers while getting involved with a gang of feuding drug dealers. That's pretty much it from this New World Pictures (Roger Corman) production. Even with him I would expect more from this film. It looked that cheap and bad.

Now, this is real low-budget, the martial arts (when she isn't doubled) from the lead Bell is absolutely atrocious (it's Dolemite-level; if you've seen that you'll know what I mean), the story is blah and it seems long even considering its ridiculously short run-time. The main bad guy sort of looks like a bearded James Cameron from the late 80's and a bit player resembles Dr. Ken Jeong, but those certainly aren't recommendations to see this, unless you are real desperate for laughs. And to think that this is one of the few movies that legendary cult actor Dick Miller wrote/co-wrote. Sad to say Miller isn't in this film.

Just last night I saw The Norseman; I've known about it for a few months after seeing it mentioned on a website. It's about Vikings and the lead is LEE MAJORS. Yes, that guy as a Viking. They go to America to go look for their missing king. Turns out, he and his pals were kidnapped by Indians so they have to rescue them.

This movie takes history and wipes its ass with it. While Vikings have been said to have visited North America a few hundred years before Christopher Columbus, it was up in the Canadian Maritime area, not Florida, and yet while the movie's poster claim they dealt with Irioquois Indians, from the scenery and their dress they pretty much had to deal with Seminoles. So OK, this is alternate history, like Harry Turtledove. Yet, even with such a wacky premise, it was obviously low-budget, the action you do see is lame and unexciting, and most of it is boring talking scenes. Thus it isn't really worth it to spend an hour and a half watching this crap.

I will mention some hilarity, though: the film has famous (at the time) football players Deacon Jones and Fred Biletnikoff played Vikings. Yes, Jones is African-American. You see, they explained he was an African prince who got captured and he decided to dress like them for whatever reason. Yep, the good guys wear the stereotypical outfits you'd expect of them, including the pointy horn hats that you might find on a college frat guy on a Saturday night. And these Vikings... not exactly the hardcore badasses that they're known for. At least Elam (as a wizard named Death Dealer!) came off not so badly.

And Freeman plays an older Seminole woman. Once you see know you'll recognize her from being in various TV shows and films from the past, from Dragnet to Point Blank. But I best know her from being The Penguin nun that ran the orphanage in The Blues Brothers. Yes, THAT woman as a Native American. Rather silly, just like much of this film; it was a vanity project for both the star (he and his then-wife Farrah Fawcett produced it; sad to say she isn't in this) and the director, who had his son cast as a kid named Erik; I hope not Erik the Red, as he was already dead by 1006, when we're told this movie was set in. Like I said, don't watch this.

I will be back Wednesday night.

Dredd 3D

Dredd 3D (2012)

78% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 105 reviews)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: Pete Travis

Starring: Karl Urban, Olivia Thirlby, Lena Headley, Wood Harris

From: Lionsgate

Here is a movie that came out elsewhere before it made its way to North America yesterday. Most of the reviews I heard online from random action fans was that the movie was real good. However, action fans in North America have either said that it's great... or that it's terrible. Little middle ground. Personally, I do not understand the criticisms and how some say it's comparable to some of the lamer action movies that have come out in recent years; you know, Lockout, Doom, or Babylon A.D. I just don't get the hate. Did those people expect way more than they should have? All this is is a film about two cops who go into a fortified building to bring down a ruthless drug dealer and that's it, and it didn't need to be anything more than that?

After reading my Judge Dredd review you should know that the Judges in this dystopian universe have the power of judge, jury and executioner. This time, Dredd has an evaluation day with a rookie on the force (Thirlby); she has a unique power which I won't spoil but it does prove useful a few times throughout. Remember, this is a really crazy world where crimes happen al the time. They end up in a giant building which is quite lawless and ran by a ruthless crazy woman known as Ma-Ma (Headley). The Judges capture one of her henchmen (Harris) and to avoid him talking to the law and ruining her operation, they get stuck in the building and many baddies go after them to kill them off. It doesn't get much more complicated than that.

I know that people have compared this to The Raid: Redemption and in terms of the general story (law enforcement go into a big fortified building that has general residents in it but also contain many bad guys and is run by a vicious crazy boss who deals in drugs), yes, yesh it is quite similar and it was just happenstance how that turned out. But, that's about it for the similarities. Here, you get many shootouts and as I already mentioned, Thirlby's unique ability helping out too. It is a simple meat & potatoes film that doesn't inspire to be more than one of those old school simple movies you'd expect in the late 80's; however, I thought it was done real well and I don't get the criticisms. Sure, some things could have been done better and the action scenes in general weren't too inventive. Overall, though, I really dug this. The Raid is better; that said, this will likely be on my top 10 list once the year is over with.

I should mention that the drug in question is known as Slo-Mo and with that kind of name, it's no surprise that once you ingest it, time slows down to 1/100 its actual speed. That leads to some arty and cool moments. Besides the two leads being cool and doing their jobs well, the character of Ma-Ma is sweet; in a macho film like that the villain being a crazy drugged-up woman who is amazingly ruthless.... pretty awesome, I say. Even the score (described as Nine Inch Nails-esque, and I'll go with that as it's the best comparison I can come up with) rules and it fit the film. You can go here to listen to all the tracks, by the way.

I'll be back Monday night.

Judge Dredd

Judge Dredd (1995)

Runtime: 96 minutes

Directed by: Danny Cannon

Starring: Sly Stallone, Armand Assante, Rob Schneider, Diane Lane, Max Von Sydow

From: Hollywood Pictures

As Dredd 3D came out in North America today, I could not think of a better time to review this infamous mid 90's film, which doesn't have too many fans. I know that the comic purists don't care for it as it's so unfaithful; that does not mean a damn thing to me. I just say that this isn't a good movie.

To steal the plot from IMDb: “In a dystopian future, Dredd, the most famous judge (a cop with instant field judiciary powers) is convicted for a crime he did not commit while his murderous counterpart escapes.” Yea, that is correct. It's set in a mostly wasteland Earth where there are a few “mega cities” around. In Mega City One there are judges that try to keep things in order. Dredd gets set up for a crime and despite his pal Hershey (Lane) trying to defend him in court, he gets convicted while that murderous counterpart (Assante) gets away and causes problems. Dredd ends up having to deal with some odious “comic” relief (Schneider) as he tries to clear his name.

This movie... it isn't horrible but it's just not that good. The cast is fine, for sure (there's also Jurgen Prochnow), the city looks fine and for the mid 90's the special effects are quality. The ideas of the story are fine. It's just that it doesn't come together in a good manner. There are plenty of stupid and dopey moments and you do not want to think about the plot too much. It also isn't too memorable. While Schneider wasn't as Jar Jar as I remembered and it's funny to think of him in an action movie, his character wasn't needed and much of that humor was just blah.

I did laugh that for a few seconds in this 22^nd century set movie you heard White Zombie's Supercharger Heaven (i.e. that one song where they sing about “Devilman”); I also laughed for different reasons when I heard then saw that the big title song they had at the end of the film was by THE CURE. Yes, that soft-rock band doing a wimpy song about a badass character... I don't get it either. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall back then when they made that decision to hire that band.

So yeah, there isn't too much to say about this random futuristic 90's action film that is rather standard most of the way. From what I hear Dredd 3D is a lot better and it won't be too long before I find that out for myself. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

BKO: Bangkok Knockout

BKO: Bangkok Knockout (2010)

Runtime: 106 minutes

Directed by: Panna Rittikrai

Starring: Chatchapol Kulsiriwoottichai, Tanavit Wongsuwan, Supakson Chaimongkol, Speedy Arnold

From: Sahamongkolfilm Co.

Here's another find via Netflix Instant, although I had heard of it before; what spurned me on to watch it was hearing a podcast deliver an enthusiastic review for it. After that, I just had to check out this movie, a film from Thailand made by and acted by Thai stunt people. If you've seen the Tony Jaa movies The Protector and Ong-Bak (which I have in the past; the stories are for the birds but the incredibly violent action scenes are tremendous; if only Tony wouldn't have lost his mind and gone loony...) then you'll know that those Thai stuntpeople are crazy to the nth degree and do things you can not believe.

They take it to the next level here.

Again, the story is for the birds but who really cares? The tale told here is that a stunt team wins a competition in Thailand to win a trip to Hollywood; turns out they were all drugged and they end up in a mysterious warehouse, and they are involved in a Most Dangerous Game sort of scenario where they are filmed and forced to fight enemies for the entertainment of an American (Arnold) and gamblers who bet on the outcomes of fights; those people are from across the world and they all speak English... well, they try to, anyhow, but are rather poor at that.

The story isn't too great but it is passable, as long as you don't try to think too much about it. What matters here is the action and there is a LOT of it, and much of it is pretty great. You see those guys flip around in amazing ways, take incredible damage, and just be involved in too many insane moments to count. It really is that good; I am not trying to overhype it but rather I am stating things honestly. All martial arts fans should check this out, especially if you have Instant; a subtitled copy of it is there for all to see.

Note that if you do watch it you'll get to see some odious “comic” relief from an incredibly annoying chubby guy who has a strange bowl haircut and because of his weird glasses that podcast referred to him as “Thai Elton John”. There are other guys who look like Lou Diamond Phillips and Mindy Kaling; yes, a guy looks like her. Characters are named Pom, Pod, Mom, U-Go, Ram, Lerm and Fern. Pretty odd, but I am sure you'll be able to put up with the story in order to watch all the astounding action on display.

I'll be back Friday afternoon.

A Trio Of Netflix Watches (The Monkey Hustle/Silver Bullet/Shark Night)

The Monkey Hustle (1976)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Arthur Marks

Starring: Yaphet Kotto, Kirk Calloway, Thomas Carter, Rudy Ray Moore

From: American International Pictures

Silver Bullet (1985)

Runtime: 95 minutes

Directed by: Daniel Attias

Starring: Corey Haim, Gary Busey, Megan Follows, Everett McGill

From: Paramount

Shark Night (2011)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: David R. Ellis

Starring: Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Katharine McPhee

From: Rogue

Here's a trio of films I watched on Netflix Instant recently; now I am completely caught up. Let me talk about all three and I'll try not to be too lengthy.

The Monkey Hustle is a blaxploitation comedy/drama that is rather aimless and there's only a perfunctory plot. Basically, you see the lives of various people in a poor Chicago neighborhood for a few days; there's an expressway scheduled to come right through the neighborhood but it isn't discussed too much. Instead you see DADDY FOXX (Kotto) be all jolly with his 14 year old sidekick (Calloway) as several of their young pals sometimes assist them in pulling off various scams for cash.

While I do wish there was more of a plot, it still was an enjoyable movie; it helped from listening to a podcast that I knew what sort of movie this would be. It's usually entertaining and there's plenty of intentional and unintentional humor. For example, the 14 year old sidekick and his constant attempts to mack on a 16 year old lady, who doesn't think of him that way due to his age. What's hilarious now is the preposterous 70's outfits and all the jive talked (even from Kotto) which is quite dated in 2012 but that's what makes it great. And it was nice to see Kotto in a rare leading role, obviously having a great old time, grinning and smiling often. Him acting with novice Rudy Ray Moore (basically playing a PG-rated verson of his famed Dolemite character) was something else. They do a laugh-off as if they were evil villains, and it made me laugh. Oh man, were Moore's outfits the most ridiculous. As long as your expectations are in check, you may like this.

Silver Bullet is a movie I've heard about for a long while due to its unintentional humor. For example, its werewolf costume is rather terrible, even judged by 1980's standards. I figured I should finally check it out considering it was now easy for me to see. The plot: in a small town in Texas in the mid-70's, a boy in a wheelchair (Haim) and his sister (Fellows) know that the mysterious killings done in the town is by a werewolf, but of course none of the adults believe them, not even their crazy but still nice Uncle Red (Busey).

Yep, things are rather cliched and tired, and to be honest the movie isn't too scary most of the time. What helps it out, though, is that the cast is nice (McGill is great as the rather intense town priest; there's also Terry O'Quinn and Lawrence Tierney, among others) and the performances are usually at least good. It's just darn entertaining, I have to say. I mean, the title just does not describe a popular way to kill a werewolf, but it is also the name of a pair of motorized wheelchairs that Uncle Red builds for his nephew; yep, it is as wacky as it sounds. Busey is the MVP, though. He's his usual crazy self and he utters some incredible lines, like “I feel like a virgin on prom night!” and “Holy jumped-up baldheaded Jesus palomino!” He's a drunk and a screw-up but he does care for his niece and nephew.

By the way, I've never read the Stephen King story this is based on; in fact, I am not really a King fan at all.

The last movie is Shark Night, which came out around this time last year. I am glad I did not pay any money to see it via rental or heaven forbid watching it in 3D on the big screen. Instead, watching it on Netflix was perfect. I now knew for certain why many thought it was crap... that's because it is crap. Silver Bullet ended up being a lot of fun; this, definitely not the case. It's not even the PG-13 rating that was its downfall; rather, it's just not an entertaining story at all. It's full of cliches and it's not even fun in that cheesy way. It's just stupid and unpleasant, filled with dumb and aggravating characters. While the Louisiana scenery (and the scenery of McPhee in a bikini) was nice, the movie is really not worth seeing. Although, the reason why the bad stuff is done by the bad guys is SO preposterous and ludicrous it almost makes me want to recommend it; but I won't. Just read about it on Wikipedia if you want.

There are two things I have to isolate and talk about. First off, the movie makes a decision that if you think about it, is a not so thought out idea at best and at worst... yikes. There's an African-American character who gets mad at a shark so he decides to hunt for it... using a wooden spear with a metal tip on the end. Nevermind where he found such a thing; having a black man throwing around a spear... a REAL bad idea, I say, and I know others noted the same thing.

Secondly, the best part of the film is after the end credits and I imagine most who saw the movie never stuck around to watch that. It's a music video where the cast raps about the events of the movie; really. It's horrible and yet great at the same time. And I know this was at the end of the movie as it was shown in theatres as that was how I knew it was there. The beat most of the time can be best described as “thug”. However, one last character shows up to rap/sing, and as the character is sad the beat changes and becomes a ripoff of the beat from LL Cool J's I Need Love! Yes. That's the best part of the film, take my word for it.

I'll be back Wednesday afternoon.

A Two-Fer From 1974: Black Belt Jones/Golden Needles

Black Belt Jones (1974)

Runtime: 85 minutes

Directed by: Robert Clouse

Starring: Jim Kelly (no, not the former NFL quarterback; this is the African-American martial artist turned actor), Gloria Hendry, Malik Carter, Scatman Crothers

From: Warner Brothers

Golden Needles (1974)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Robert Clouse

Starring: Joe Don Baker, Elizabeth Ashley, Ann Sothern, Jim Kelly, Burgess Meredith

From: American International Pictures

Yes, here's a two-fer (but not the last multiple movie review you'll be getting this month) of movies from 1974 directed by Robert Clouse and featuring the martial artist Jim Kelly, best known for being in Enter the Dragon... which is also the most highly regarded film from Clouse, for sure. The former I watched via a 4-pack DVD set I got a few days ago. After I watched that I happened to look at the other movies Clouse directed and saw one I had never heard of before and there's no videos for it on YouTube. But, much to my shock it was on Netflix Instant; after I read what the plot was, I HAD to see it. I'll explain later.

The plot for Black Belt Jones, a martial arts blaxploitation: Jones (Kelly) helps out his pals who run a karate school (it's owned by Scatman Crothers! I kid you not) as they deal with some bad guys who are associated with The Mob as they want to take over the school to tear it down as the city and The Mob want to share profits on a civic center to be built in that area.

The movie itself... I've heard some mixed reviews but me, I thought it was a hilarious good time. There's plenty of action that isn't the best but boy is it fun. There's also plenty of humor, both intentional and unintentional. Let me list some highlights:

• The “martial arts” you see Scatman do consist of a strike to the head and then a kick to the balls. That's it. Many strikes to the balls are seen throughout the movie.
• Scatman's daughter is Gloria Hendry and you definitely do see her do more martial arts.
• Jones shoots one bad guy literally in the ass.
• The villain you see the most is known as Pinky. He and his buddies wear the most hilarious 70's outfits, especially Jelly, a huge man who looks just like Cedric The Entertainer and his shirts are extremely loud floral prints. He ruled. So did Pinky, who loved calling his foes “ants” and “Communists”.
• You may have seen online a clip of Kelly fighting people in a soapy suds car wash. It's from this movie, and it's hilarious when that moment comes in this movie, I'll put it that way.
• Jones is great himself, driving a yellow Jensen Interceptor (a classic British car from the 70's) and living on the beach; on his property... a big trampoline where random girls in leotards jump on it! I swear this is true. They actually factor into the plot later on.

There's a lot more but I don't want to spoil the entire film. Believe me, though, I had a real good time with this.

Now, onto Golden Needles. Yeah, the title also reminds me of the Linda Ronstadt song Silver Threads & Golden Needles. But this plot is completely different from that; to steal from Wikipedia:

“A legendary statue has seven gold needles inserted in it, and an adult man will become a sexual superman when the needles are placed in the same position in his body. A colorful group of characters is all in on the hunt for the mysterious statue.”

The plot in general makes me lol, especially the phrase “a sexual superman”. It is set in Hong Kong (the majority, anyhow; the rest is set in Los Angeles) and it was actually filmed on location, so it was interesting to see what that unique area of the world looked like back then. I'll admit I haven't seen the particular subset of Hong Kong movies that happen to be rather bizarre; this seems like a nice introduction to that. There are some interesting set-pieces, to say the least. I'l give some highlights:

• The opening involves the statue being stolen... by two guys wearing Haz-Mat suits and wielding FLAMETHROWERS. Wow.
• There are fight scenes in such places as a small casino and a health club.
• The main plot is that a lady (Ashley) comes to Hong Kong to purchase the statue for someone in the United States. Joe Don Baker agrees to help her out, in exchange for cash... and sex!
• Someone has to try and avoid a floor full of cobras.
• Burgess Meredith gets involved, and he wears the biggest and loudest bow-ties.

It's not as awesome as it could have been given all the wacky elements; for example, Kelly does more acting than martial arts. Not the best usage of his talents. But, it's still rather entertaining to watch due to how odd it usually is; aside from some slow spots I was never bored, as I usually wasn't sure which new and wacky direction it was going to turn to. If you have Netflix Instant and enjoy watching something strange, or if you're a fan of Joe Don Baker, or if you enjoy seeing a big brute of a man fighting barroom style against a bunch of small Chinese men using karate... check this out.

I'll be back Monday night.

A Note

Remember how I said recently that on Saturday I would see all four Indiana Jones movies on the big screen? Well, the way I am feeling tonight, I am all but certain that will be a no-go. That is unfortunate but eventually I'll see the others to review, hopefully via a Blu-Ray rental. I can't control how I feel, or how I haven't gotten as much sleep as I should have for much of this entire month. I will be watching something and reviewing it tomorrow night, no matter what. That will go up earlier than my last review, which you can see by scrolling down. I saw a movie that surprised me in a few different ways.

All Hat

All Hat (2007)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Directed by: Leonard Farlinger

Starring: Luke Kirby, Keith Carradine, Noam Jenkins, Lisa Ray, Rachael Leigh Cook

From: New Real Films

My apologies for getting this up so late, but other things got in my way until just now.

Here is something rather obscure, that was on Netflix Instant for a time and I did skim through it once (early on before I became completely nutty for a certain actress in the movie) and from that skimming it did not seem like something I had to see, given all the other movies available on Instant. Then, after it vanished I heard more about it, and I realized I dun goofed. But, a few nights ago I saw it was on the oh so many channel Encore Love, so I decided to check it out and it turns out, this was a good decision.

The plot... in rural Ontario (where it was filmed; as it was filmed in the fall, the natural scenery was rather pretty), you see that the protagonists are good old farmers/horse owners who sometimes compete in horse races. They have to compete with a rich family; the parents aren't a factor but their son (Jenkins) is a real A-hole and he'd like to buy up that farm land and build a casino-golf course on it, but the main focus is a horse that the rich people own, named JumpinJackFlash. The just released from prison Ray Doakes (Kirby) starts working for the guy who owns the small-time farm/stable (Carradine). He meets up with his ex-flame (Ray) and also meets up with a hot-headed jockey named Chrissie Nugent (Cook). Also involved are a genuinely good person (Ernie Hudson!) who works at the big stable and has to dela with that a-hole son and Graham Greene has a real small but interesting role. Two people who used to work at that big stable also get involved and actually steal Flash, but a lot more happens after that.

I really wasn't sure what to expect aside from some scene, but this drama was funnier than I expected, and while it's not astounding in any way, it was at least a competent and entertaining effort. I did enjoy Cook's character, and not just because of her, but because the foul-mouthed character was rather funny. She even sings Me & Bobby McGee while sitting in the bathtub sipping on some Canadian whiskey. No, you don't see anything enticing while in the bathtub, but shortly thereafter her and Ray out of nowhere start making out then they get it on.... in the stable with their horse looking on! There, you see her take her shirt off and her in a purple bra... a pleasant sight, I'll put it that way. Their relationship isn't really addressed after that, oddly enough, although Keith Carradine's character does say that if he was 20 years younger he'd like to have sex with her too, to paraphrase. Understandable enough, I say. The movie isn't perfect, but it is a fine-enough time-waster and if you like the horseys, then you can enjoy looking at them. Although you know who or what I enjoyed looking at the most!

Here's some interesting moments I should at least mention: Ernie Hudson ends up getting hit in the back of the head with a shovel. How can you do such a thing to Winston? Shortly thereafter, Greene gets to witness one of the horse thiefs trying to...well, get sperm from the horse but he blew it, then the horse blew it and he gets sprayed with... well, you know. It wasn't milk! I really should have watched this movie on Netflix Instant back a few months ago.

By the way, the title is part of the phrase “You're all hat and no cattle”, referring to the bad guy.

I'll be back Saturday night.

Miami Connection

Miami Connection (1987)

Runtime: 87 minutes

Directed by: Y.K. Kim, Woo-sang Park

Starring: Y.K. Kim, Vincent Hirsch, Joseph Diamand, Maurice Smith, Angelo Janotti

From: Manson International

Yes, I have found the movie that until recently was incredibly obscure. Then, someone associated with the Alamo Drafthouse set of cinemas found a print of it on eBay by happenstance for 50 bucks and bought it. It got screened a few times and the audience went wild for it. That is understandable, especially if you aren't used to watching films quite like this. Amazingly it's getting released this fall in at least a few small independent theatres (but of course none of them are in Florida, at least not yet) and it's getting a DVD/Blu-Ray release too. As most of the film is actually filmed and set in Orlando-despite the title-I will be befudded if it doesn't get shown in my neck of the woods. Anyhow, I found a copy of it on YouTube, but shhh on that.

The plot, if you can call it that: you find out that there's a group of NINJA BIKERS who do business in Miami. You mainly see them in the climax. Most of the movie revolves around both a band of regular bikers and their buddies, some scumbags who used to work at a club in Orlando as the house band but they got replaced by a new wave band of taekwondo practicioners known as DRAGON SOUND (I swear this is true); the regulars bikers are mad at Dragon Sound because the sister of the leader (who looks like Ellis from Die Hard) is going out with a member of the band and even sometimes sings with them. That sister looks like Linda Blair and has a singing voice almost exactly like that of Pat Benatar. The band... a Korean who can barely speak English (Kim, whose child this is and he's a master at martial arts), an Italian, a black guy with a high-pitched voice, a guy who is just a terrible actor, and a dude who looks like John Oates of Hall & Oates.

The movie really IS as amazing as advertised. Sure, there are slow moments where you'll want to fast-forward but I found them to be hilarious too. I'll list some of the highlights:

• The two songs you hear from the band... the first is about how they love being friends with each other. The second has a lead vocal from the girl and appropriately enough music-wise it DOES sound like a Pat Benatar song.... so you can laugh uproariously thinking of old Pat singing about being “Against The Ninja” and warbling about how great taekwondo is.
• I did recognize some of the filming locations. Some scenes were set and filmed at the University of Central Florida (UCF) campus. I laughed at that because I've been there a handful of times before and I instantly recognized it. Another scene was set at Church Street Station, which was a lot more popular back then but now I've been there many times to visit the clubs... well, usually just one club there.
• The Korean uncle of the guy in the band (he was the other director) appears in a few scenes and he has a short fight with a band of ruffians... while wearing a Mickey & Minnie Mouse chef's robe.
• There's a pointless scene of the guys at Daytona Beach. It provides much comedy as the band acts like total goofs, flexing their non-muscles and unsuccessfully picking up the chicks in bikinis as they made dopey comments and just act like fools.
• The music is thankfully the synth goodness you would expect from the era.
• When the guys have to do acting... whoo boy, it is amateur hour.
• Also, whoo boy to the one bit of nudity you get. It's from females, but they are haggard middle-aged biker girls and needless to say it is not the type of nudity that you would want to see, even if you are the horniest guy.

Overall, this is technically rather atrocious, but hey these guys at least try their hardest, and I hope the guys involved are able to laugh with us rather than us laughing AT them for making something that is a camp classic now. If you love watching bad action films from the past and how ridiculous a lot of that stuff is now in modern times, this is a MUST see. If you are able to see it on the big screen with a big crowd, I imagine that would be an incredible experience.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

The Initiation

The Initiation (1984)

Runtime: 97 minutes

Directed by: Larry Stewart

Starring: Daphne Zuniga, Vera Miles, Clu Gulager, Hunter Tylo

From: New World Pictures

To start off, I have to say that once again I am using Netflix for the next month, so expect various oddities to pop up here for the near future. I don't quite know how I'll handle all I plan on watching, except that at least one entry will likely be several films reviewed at once.

I picked this out of the giant pool of Instant titles via a recommendation on a messageboard. It made things clear this wasn't an undiscovered classic or anything but instead a random forgotten 80's slasher that wasn't bad at all. The cast of a few old pros and some people who would later become more famous was also enticing.

The plot: Kelly (Zuniga) is a girl with a troubled past: an incident happened when she was 9 and it resulted in her having amnesia and forgetting everything that happened before 9 and she also has a weird nightmare which keeps on occuring. Kelly is in college and weird things start happening as she tries to join a sorority and the last thing to do before she's accepted is to break into the mall that her ultra-rich dad (Gulager) owns, while having drama with her mom (Miles). She tries to get help from grad student Peter (James Read)

As described in that messageboard post I read, the movie isn't awesome or anything. Rather, it's one of the many low-budget slashers that came out during the 1980's. Yet it's still fun to watch. The topic is about certainly is different from the norm (at least outside of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies) with the talk of dreams and interpreting them. The kills aren't anything special but the cast is fine and as it's the 80's, there's full-frontal nudity and well, grooming wasn't like it is now... it is Tylo (billed as Deborah Morehart) who is entirely naked.

The musical score is the typical use of synthesizer to make low and brooding tones. It dates things... but also makes it awesome. There are plenty of creepy scenes, which helps make this an entertaining-enough ride for those of you who like watching slashers.

If you do watch it you'll get such great moments as one of the sorority girls having a giant poster of Tom Selleck in her room and a terrible new wave band playing at a costume party and one guy showing up wearing... a giant penis costume. True story. Yep, this is a movie from the 80's where there's a good amount of goofy humor like that.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Runtime: 115 minutes

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Starring: Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Paul Freeman, John Rhys-Davies

From: Paramount

Here is a movie I've been able to see on VHS, DVD, and even on the big screen around this time in '08 at AMC Theatres at Universal Studios, but now I've been able to see it digitally on an IMAX screen; sure, it's digital so that's why it's only at the faux-IMAX screens that they have instead of the legit huge IMAX screens out there. Still, it was an opportunity I wasn't going to pass up. Also, AMC Theatres is doing a deal where they're showing all 4 Indy movies in a marathon and I'll be checking that out; by the end of the month you'll get my take on all of those motion pictures.

You should already know the plot by now, as I presume most have already seen it: Indiana Jones is a famous dude in the field of archaeology who you see in the beginning go through a whole lot to get a priceless artifact, when rival Belloq (Freeman) literally steals it from him. You then see him at a random college as a professor, when he is told of plans of the Nazi's looking for the Ark of the Covenant in Egypt, in order to try and use its reputed powers for evil. Dr. Jones has to go to Egypt to find it for himself, but not before going to Nepal and running into the daughter of a former mentor (and also an ex-lover) known as Marion (Allen).

Yes, the movie is still awesome 31 years later. There's no shortage of excitement between all the action, drama, humor, and all the rest. The almost 2 hours just fly by, and they always have all the times I've seen it. The plot is simple yet effective, and that is good as with this movie that is a nod to all the adventure films of old, why make it complicated? All the actors are great, from Ford and Allen and their pal Sallah (Davies) to the villainous Freeman and Ronald Lacey as the Peter Lorre-esque bad guy known as Toht, a Gestapo interrogator who just comes off as being creepy. Like I said, the movie is still awesome and it's hard to talk about it when almost everyone is familiar with it and most agree with me on its greatness.

I will say that the IMAX print for the most part was pretty nice and it was great watching it in that format due to its sound and the picture. The crowd there was not large at all as I went and saw it in the early afternoon. However, I imagine it's sweet if you see it with a much larger crowd than I did. I guess I'll mention before I end this that I did not remember from before just how humorous Sallah was. From that wacky yell he does when he sees that big carving in the literal snake pit to nearly peeing his pants (or at least doing something in his pants) when Marion gives him a quick kiss on the lips, that was a great character.

Needless to say, if you dig the movie you probably should see this on the big screen, especially if you've never been able to before.

I'll be back Sunday night.

The Scorpion King

The Scorpion King (2002)

Runtime: 92 minutes

Directed by: Chuck Russell

Starring: The Rock, Steven Brand, Michael Clarke Duncan (RIP), Kelly Hu

From: Universal

I had nothing I really had to watch last night. Then, I not only heard the news about The Rock stopping a robbery on the set of Fast Six bysimply charging at the criminals while in uniform, but the sad news about Duncan passing away yesterday. I figured that I should rewatch this film (which I got on DVD as a Christmas gift a long time ago) as I hadn't seen it in so long and it'd be the appropriate thing to do. I haven't seen too many MCD movies but this was one of those I had.

The plot isn't exactly Shakespearean but that is OK: Mathayus (Rock) is a desert warrior (an Akkadian) who along with his brother and another guy is the last of his kind as an evil warlord (Brand) as taken over much of the rest of the land in an unnamed African area. The bad guys kill the other two guys and of course Rock is PISSED that his brother got murdered. He meets up with a wacky sidekick (Grant Heslov) and meets up with such characters as the warlord's sorceress (the great-looking Hu) and the head of another tribe (the late Duncan), all while riding around the desert on a CAMEL.

The fact that a camel is his main mode of transportation says a lot about what sort of flick this is. It's light entertainment, filled with wackiness and predictable moments... yet it's wildly entertaining at the same time; it's a shut your brain off and just sit back and enjoy sort of movie. It reminded me of a Cannon production in the 1980's. You know, an exotic setting, plenty of action, pretty girls, quite a bit of humor, and a dose of plain silly. I really think this could have been produced by Golan/Globus and released in '85 or '86. I have no idea who you'd cast in those roles if it would have been made way back when.

The special effects don't look so hot 10 years later but they certainly are better than what you saw in The Mummy Returns when Rock became a giant scorpion thing; man I still remember that being terrible.

Like I said, if you want some mindless yet satisfying entertainment and enjoy the genre, then this is worth a watch.

I'll be back real late Friday night.

The Blues Brothers

The Blues Brothers (1980)

Runtime: 148 minutes (the Extended Edition, anyhow)

Directed by: John Landis

Starring: John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Henry Gibson, Cab Calloway, and many others

From: Universal

Here is something that I found out about on Friday night; this weekend, the theatres at Universal Studios Orlando was showing this film, which I hadn't seen in many years. I decided to check it out as it was only 5 bucks. Turns out, from now until October that place is showing old films during the weekend to celebrate the 100^th aniversary of Universal Pictures. Thus, in the future there will be shown 4 times during that particular weekend: Animal House, E.T., Back to the Future, Backdraft, Jaws, Jurassic Park, The Thing, and Psycho. Pretty nice. Although, this screening was noticeably from a DVD player and the sound seemed to come only from the front. It was like a grindhouse screening. Despite that and the print not looking so good (the Blu-Ray is a lot better, from what I've seen), it was still a nice time. The small crowd there ended up being pretty cool as they were into it, which was nice.

You probably already know the plot: Jake and Elwood Blues get together again after Jake gets out of jail. They find out the orphanage they grew up in is having money problems so they decide to reform their old band and perform in order to save their childhood home. Along the way a lot of craziness happens and you hear plenty of famous lines.

Sure, the movie takes its time in them tracking down everyone, and it's wacky and more absurdist than I had remembered. But, a lot of it still is quite funny, which is why I was glad to watch it again. If it hadn't had hold up... I'd be disappointed. Besides the goofy story being quite entertaining, the big action scenes (through the mall and then the wild finale that rises to preposterous heights) still work 32 years later and the musical numbers are still awesome, featuring R&B, gospel, soul, and even some country. It could be argued but I say the most memorable performance was from Cab Calloway and his famous song Minnie the Moocher... and he was in his early 70's at the time. Yet the performance of his famous tune knocked them dead.

The other talent that was on display was sweet, from Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin to James Brown and John Lee Hooker. It was real nice to see them perform, not to mention the groovy soundtrack in general. There are also famous actors that pop up in small roles, from Carrie Fisher and Charles Napier to John Candy and Paul Reubens. I did not remember all of those people being in there.

If you enjoy loud and nutty and off-the-wall comedies that happen to be about an awesome subject (African-American music), then this movie is still quality in 2012.

I'll be back Tuesday night.