Trick 'r Treat

Trick 'r Treat (2007)

Runtime: 82 minutes

Directed by: Michael Dougherty

Starring: Dylan Baker, Rochelle Aytes, Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Leslie Bibb

From: Warner Brothers

Here is a film that is quite appropriate for the night, given its title and how it's all set in a Halloween night in the strange little town of Warren Valley, Ohio, where little kids say that Charlie Brown is an A-hole and supernatural things are going on all over the place. Sad to say, for whatever reason (it's never been made clear) Warner Brothers treated this film like crap-possibly because they were mad at the people who created this for stupid reasons-and while you might remember it being advertised on the DVD for 300, its planned 2007 wide release never happened and after keeping it on the shelf for far too long, it was dumped on DVD in '09 with little fanfare and that's a bunch of crap, as this never deserved the treatment. It deserved to become popular and be better known amongst people who would want to watch it on this day every year for years to come.

I don't want to give too much away but there are several stories which occasionally briefly intersect with each other and they deal with such things as a mysterious masked man going after Anna Paquin-dressed as Little Red Riding Hood-a principal who isn't what he seems, little kids going to a spooky abandoned quarry, and cranky old Brian Cox dealing with something quite weird. And often you get to see a short mysterious cloth sacked/masked figure who is simply known as Sam.

Overall, this is a horror anthology that is a lot of fun. Sure, you see gore but it isn't too extreme at all. It goes dark places for sure, but there's also a decent amount of humor. It's been compared to Creepshow and that isn't the worst comparison at all. The opening credits even invite such a comparison. It's not really too scary or terrifying. It's more about reminding you of being a kid and going out to Trick 'r Treat, where you hear creepy stories and your imagination goes wild. It captures that essence quite well and if you dig the holiday you should also dig this. On first viewing you should enjoy the ride especially as not everything is as it fist appears to be.

I'll be back Friday night.

Paranormal Activity 4

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

25% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 91 reviews)

Runtime: 88 minutes

Directed by: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman

Starring: Kathryn Newton, Matt Shively, Stephen Dunham, Alexondra Lee, Katie Featherston

From: Paramount

Before I get to talking about this, I saw the movie in the afternoon and it wasn't until I got back home that I heard the big news about Disney and Star Wars. I don't quite know what to think about it yet. It just came as a major shock to me, needless to say. Hopefully Episodes 7 through whatever are better than the prequels.

Now, onto PA4. The fact that I just saw it now rather than as early as I could as with the other three... not a good sign right there. Before going on, I'll provide links to the previous reviews I've done of the series.

PA

PA2

PA3

Now, onto the film. I did not pay much attention to the advertising this time around. Turns out it's a good thing. Once I got back I heard that once again, much of the footage you saw in the advertising wasn't in the actual movie. Up yours to the people responsible for having such an audience-insulting thing happen two years in a row.

You probably know the story already: this time the movie is set in 2011 in Nevada; a normal family discovers that there is a new family which lives across the street... rather, it's a young mom (who you don't see at first but you can probably guess who it is) and a little boy. As they get to know the boy better, the family (mainly a 15 year old girl and her boyfriend) get creeped out. They have a young boy of their own and the two types become pals... but I won't reveal too much more.

I've enjoyed the previous three entries in this franchise to varying degrees; overall, though, I liked all of them despite any warts they may have. This one, though, left a bad taste in my mouth. It's a shame as the girl and her boyfriend were rather likeable characters. I was never really annoyed with them, which are legit complaints about some of the people you see in the franchise. Plus, there's the creepy unsettling moments you expect from the franchise.

Yet this story is full of plotholes. For example, for no reason at all the boyfriend seemingly vanishes for a large stretch of the movie only to return. Another seemingly important character vanishes, never to return. You'd think you would want to know the whereabouts of that person at all times, but I guess not. Then, it's stressed early on that the two leads always look at the footage that gets shot (via laptop camera; hey, things are modern now; you also see a Kinect used); that stops as more serious things happen. That's right, they stressed how they looked at the footage but suddenly they don't? Why, that don't make no sense! Sure, if that was done the story would be much shorter as the doubting parents would have proof, but it's problems like that which plague the story. I know you can nitpick the story with the series in general if you really wanted to; this was really blatant, though. And the ending... the film stops more than anything else. Even more so than usual. Let's just say this movie raises many more questions than answers anything that was asked before.

So overall I was real let down and disappointed with this. That seems to be a common opinion. And oh yeah, there seems to be a blatant “”homage” to something in The Exorcist, and also something ripped off from The Changeling. No, not the Angelina Jolie movie. The 1980 one with George C. Scott that is a lot better than this motion picture.

I'll be back tomorrow night with what should be an appropriate review.

Another Change In Plans

Unfortunately things have really piled up for me at the end of the month. So, I won't be back until Tuesday night. But... when I do return on that night, I am pretty sure it'll be a review of Paranormal Activity 4. It'd be about time for me to see it. I'll also post something on Halloween night.

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Directed by: Brian Clemens

Starring: Horst Janson, John Carson, Shane Briant, Caroline Munro

From: Hammer

I have returned to Hammer and this time it's one of their later films. They would shut down a few years after this came out. I had heard of this for a long while and last year I picked up the DVD for only a few bucks. I figured this would be the appropriate time to watch it. And it's just a coincidence this is the same week as the DVD/Blu-Ray release of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

The plot: in a remote town in England, several bodies are discovered and they look to be unnaturally aged far beyond what they're supposed to look like. A swashbuckling (but not a pirate; a vampire-fighting pirate would be awesome, though; he was an Army captain) guy known as Captain Kronos (Janson) is called in to investigate. He discovers it's the work of a special sect of vampires that drain victims of its youth; interesting twist.

Overall, I see why this has a cult following. There is your share of wackiness; after all, Captain Kronos has a sidekick who is a professor and just so happens to be a hunchback. He early on rescues the beautiful Caroline Munro from the stockades; she was put in there for dancing on the Sabbath. No, really. They team up with the doctor who brought them into town to try and find that creature.

The movie does take its time. It's not wall to wall horror or action or any of that. Yet it's never boring. Talk about atmosphere and mood, this has it in spades, along with many memorable shots. I mean, when you see that creature out in the woods (and in the daytime, by the way) it's always in a black robe where you can't see its face, adding a whole lot of mystery. Also, there's a shot of the black-hooded figure walking by some flowers and immediatey they turn black and die. Awesome. You see hints of Kronos' skills as a master swordsman, but it's not until near the end that you see it in full force. Oh, and he smokes specal cigars from an unnamed herb. I'll just presume it's marijuana based on his enjoyment of them and for comedy's sake.

Because of the story, the great atmosphere, the memorable characters, Caroline Munro and her beauty (along with seeing her nude body with certain parts being strategically covered at some points), the beauty of the other ladies you see in the film, and how the Captain often uses his intellect to try and trap his quarry rather than just using brawn... that is why I enjoyed this movie and it's a shame this did not do well at the box office, as otherwise there would have been a series of these movies. Poor Hammer. No surprise with that kind of luck they soon went belly-up.

I'll be back Friday afternoon.

So...

My plans changed but I'll be back Wednesday afternoon, where I may be doing another double-shot.

Tangled (No, Not The Disney Movie)

Tangled (2001)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Directed by: Jay Lowi

Starring: Rachael Leigh Cook, Shawn Hatosy, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Lorraine Bracco

From: Myriad Pictures

Yep, another Rachael film. This time, I watched one because this was on a Showtime channel in HD and to be perfectly honest, I knew there was at least one scene where you got to see Ms. Cook in her underwear; turns out, you get to see her a few times in her underwear; I was fine with this! By the way, she was an uncredited producer on this film, one of the many this had. That nor her scantily clad nature will affect what I say about this, I swear.

The plot is that a pair of cops (including Bracco) find a guy (Hatosy) wandering on a rural road and bring him into the hospital. They talk to him to find out what happened, and he tells a tale... turns out, this fellow, David, was in a total friendzone relationship with Jenny (Cook). I mean, that's really what it was. And she was a cocktease too! Poor bastard David. He's average and sort of dorky-looking and of course, he would like to hook up with someone who looks like Jenny. It gets even worse for him as he old pal Alan (Meyers) shows up and he's more than a little crazy... which unfortunately describes Meyers in real life. He and Jenny develop a romantic relationship as hey, he's dangerous and good looking and all that and you can figure out how David feels about the whole thing. They all still try to be pals with each other, believe it or not, but things go awry... and Estella Warren gets involved too. Remember when she was going to be the next big thing? That was so long ago.

Overall, this is quite the wacky indie movie, which is a drama/thriller. It was filmed in Canada but set in Ohio. I noticed the Canadian roots after seeing a 60 kilometers per hour sign briefly in one scene. I remember those from being in Ontario a few years ago. This film isn't perfect by any means but I thought it was entertaining-enough to say you should give this a watch if the plot description sounds good to you. The performances are all at least fine and Jonathan was the best thing; it isn't too surprising he became well-known after this movie, only to have those personal problems with alcohol that has had a negative impact on his career. You can question if you like any of these characters for the way that all of them end up acting; that wasn't really a bother to me, personally. It's an indie movie so they're not afraid to do that sort of thing.

The random things you'll see and hear here include a song done for the soundtrack that samples the great drum opening from Zeppelin's When The Levee Breaks, characters singing a Bell Viv Devoe song, and you see full frontal nudity from Meyers... twice. That was something I was not expecting.

I'll be back Monday night.

A Double Shot Of Hammer Horror

The Mummy (1959)

Runtime: 88 minutes

Directed by: Terence Fisher

Starring: Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Yvonne Furneaux, George Pastell

From: Hammer

The Gorgon (1964)

Runtime: 83 minutes

Directed by: Terence Fisher

Starring: Peter Cushing, Richard Pasco, Barbara Shelley, Christopher Lee

From: Hammer

Way back when (i.e. two Octobers ago) I watched the Hammer classic Horror of Dracula. That was a quality film and Lee in the title role was great, playing a real mean vindictive bastard. I hadn't seen any since then and in fact, before last night the only two I had seen were that and the horror/mystery Hound of the Baskervills back when I was a kid. Thankfully, Turner Classic Movies had a night of films from the legendary studio that was around from the 30's until folding in the 70's, only to return a few years ago and becoming mainly a horror studio when even in their heyday they had a varied output.

I'll note that I hadn't seen the classic Universal film The Mummy nor any of its sequels. The Stephen Sommers Mummy movies don't even count. The plot is that in Egypt some archaelogists find an ancient tomb containing a princess. An Egyptian (Pastell; yep, he was brown-facing it up) is quite upset that the tomb got desecrated. A few years later, he is able to bring the mummy of a priest (Lee) back to England to get revenge on those that discovered the tomb and took away the princess.

Sure, this movie is wacky in general (you get to see a mummy walk around rural England, after all) but it definitely is well-filmed with nice performances overall. Even wrapped up in bandages Lee delivers a nice performance. His character certainly is menacing, busting through windows and doors and being unstoppable. But it is Cushing as the lead who happens to walk with a limp that gives the best performance. Sure, the story doesn't have too many surprises but it is definitely filmed well. The score fits the movie and it just looks great visually, from the scenes in Egypt (yep, an obvious set... it still looks fine, even if I am not sure about Egypt having that many palm trees) to rural England. There is a slow spot in the middle where you get a long flashback of the relationship between the princess and the priest; it does at least give you the chance to see Lee brown-face it up himself as an Egyptian, which was a sight. Not as odd as him wearing new wave sunglasses, but still... if you dig old-school horror movies then this is worth a watch.

I then watched The Gorgon, which has a unique plot if nothing else. It is set in a small town in Germany in the early 20^th century and in a castle lives a mysterious creature... a Gorgon; you know, what Medusa was, a terrifying creature with snakes in her hair and if a mortal man looks at her, he turns to stone. Of course, the name this particular Gorgon has (Megara) wasn't actually a Gorgon in Greek mythology, but hey, you didn't have Google nor Wikipedia back in 1964 so a lot of people likely did not notice. Anyhow, the town's doctor (Cushing) and the other authorities cover it up, as you don't want a panic on your hands if the public knew something was turning people to stone. The father of the latest victim won't take no for an answer so he sticks around and with the assistance of Lee (who only appears in the second half and sports a giant mustache) tries to solve things. Meanwhile, Cushing experiences drama of his own with his assistant (Shelley).

You talk about wacky plots, this has one. A mythological creature hiding out in a castle in rural Germany? But hey, it works. Sure, there are some slow stretches and at times this is a murder mystery sort of thing... overall, this is another fun watch. The movie certainly is great at atmosphere and mood. You get both in spades. You certainly feel like you're in the setting, with all the scenes taking place at night and even in a day scene set in the woods, there's a whole lot of fog and it fits the movie like a glove... speaking of that, the same applies to the excellent musical score, which works oh so well with what you see on screen. That helps out when you look at various deficiencies this movie may have.

Unfortunately, my own cable guide spoiled the movie for me right before it began. I looked at it and they gave away the ending! I wasn't too happy about that. Although, once I saw the film, the ending was what you'd call “telegraphed”.

I'll be back Saturday night.

Howling II:... Your Sister Is A Werewolf

Howling II:... Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985)

Runtime: 87 minutes

Directed by: Philippe Mora

Starring: Reb Brown, Annie McEnroe, Christopher Lee, Sybil Danning

From: Hemdale

Now, here's a movie I've heard about for years but I have never checked out, until it was on an Encore channel Monday night. Encore Action, to be exact. Yeah, pretty odd for a horror film. It doesn't matter if you've seen any of the sequels to the orignal The Howling; heck, you don't need to see the original, even though this is the only sequel that has anything of consequence to do with the original, retconning aside. All you need to know is that Reb Brown is the brother of the lead girl in the first (Dee Wallace Stone), and she dies at the end of the first. Last year, I talked about what was the final film in the franchise at the time, Howling: New Moon Rising. Now there is one of the worst movies I've ever seen, no exaggeration. You can just read that review to find out why. Late last year The Howling: Reborn came out. I heard nothing but bad things about it, mainly in that it's like a Twilight-esque tale.

As for this film... WOW. Like I said I had heard things but I really had no idea how bizarre and out-there this was. The plot is that Ben White (Brown) and one of the pals of his sister (McEnroe) meet up with Stefan (Lee) who tells them about werewolves and how there is a leader known as Stirba (Danning) who resides in “The Balkans” (this was mainly filmed in what was then Commie country and currently is the Czech Republic). They head on over there, and what an experience they had.

This video from the Watercooler films YouTube account explain things rather well. You should watch that 8 minute clip before continuing on. Yes the movie actually starts with Christopher Lee reading from The Bible as there's a space background, then you get a bitchin' title punk/new wave title song from the band Babel as the credits are in neon pink. It's no surprise that the original title of this was Howling II: Stirba-Werewolf Bitch and the movie's poster promised “The Rocking Shocking New Wave of Horror”. That's why you see a scene in a punk/new wave club with an appropriate band and that's why Christopher Lee enters the club and he has on a brown leather jacket and then he puts on slim white new wave glasses... an incredibly surreal sight, to say the least.

That video only hints at all the strangeness you see, from how the plot seems to progress from random point to random point and bizarre moment after bizarre moment is thrown on the screen, from the 80's-riffic special effects and special powers Stirba has to the dwarf's eyes exploding, from a werewolf magically appearing in someone's car to werewolf orgies... it's all so strange. On a technical level this is an atrocious movie. There are often bizarre screen wipes to transition between scenes (a la Star Wars) and they're so comical you can't help but laugh. I did laugh quite often at this movie for being so bad and yet so odd and unexpected throughout it's hilarious. If you love bad movies this is a must-see.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

The Man With The Golden Gun

The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

Runtime: 125 minutes

Directed by: Guy Hamilton

Starring: Roger Moore, Christopher Lee, Maud Adams, Herve , Britt Ekland

From: United Artists

Today I decided to do some more Moore and watched this film, which I seem to be easier on than many others are. Sure, this film is wacky in that the buddy of the main villain is a midget (then again, in the last movie the henchmen include a guy with a metal arm because a crocodile chomped on him and a big black guy who happened to be in Black Belt Jones as that dude who I say looks like Cedric the Entertainer and wore hilariously loud patterned shirts) and there's plenty of sexism but in a bit I'll explain my opinion.

The plot is rather simple: A guy who is distinguished by being a lethal assassin AND having a third nipple (no, really; Lee) is looking for a real challenge so he makes it clear he wants to duel Mr. Bond. From that you have a bigger than expected story-which you don't always want to think too hard about-involving 007 in Southeast Asia, fighting against such obstacles as a karate school, an agent who isn't very good at her job (Ekland, who at least looks great), and yes, the return of Sheriff J.W. Pepper, who just happens to be vacationing in Thailand at the time.

Despite some parts of the plot being groan-inducing, I don't hate this like a lot of people seemingly do. Sure, Bond isn't afraid to slap around a woman to get what he wants (think of that how you will) but to me, I think the Southeast Asia setting is what makes this appealing. It's quite the colorful and unique world, this being set in Thailand, Macau, and some very pretty islands in the area. You get then-topical talk of the energy crisis... then again, that topic is probably still current today, with people being interested in alternate energy sources, such as solar power, which is a key plot point here. You also get kung-fu and martial arts, which was a huge craze back then. You do have nice action sequences, such as a close-quarters brawl in Beirut, car chases, and the return of a boat chase. The practical car stunt that corkscrewed around 360 degrees was awesome... except for a needless slide whistle. Someone online edited the scene to take out Pepper's involvement and the slide whistle; it is better. No offense, but I don't really need to see old J.W refer to Thai cops as “pointyheads”, which sounds like some sort of old racial slur to me.

There are also some cool sets, especially the secret base that's in a partially submerged ship. It's sideways so they had to build it specially, and it just looks sweet. Lee is awesome as the villain and in the list of Moore Bonds, this also goes somewhere in the middle.

One thing I will admit is that the title song (by Lulu! I had no idea she even had a career in '74) is pretty crappy. Alice Cooper actually recorded a song for the movie but it wasn't used. That's unfortunate, as it's much better. The tune still has the same title as the film and it can be found on the greatly-named Muscle of Love album. You can check it out for yourself on YouTube.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

Live and Let Die

Live and Let Die (1973)

Runtime: 122 minutes

Directed by: Guy Hamilton

Starring: Roger Moore, Yaphet Kotto, Jane Seymour, Julius Harris

From: United Artists

My apologies for this being up late but I ended up watching the end of the big baseball game between Washington and St. Louis.

Finally, after months and months, I watched another Bond movie. The last one I did was the lame Diamonds are Forever, the last official Bond film Sean Connery did. Here, this is the first flick Roger Moore did as 007. I'll be lazy and steal the plot synopsis straight off the back of the DVD:

“James Bond battles the forces of black magic in this high-octane adventure that hurtles him from the streets of New York City to Louisiana's bayou country. With charm, wit, and deadly assurance, Roger Moore steps in as Agent 007 and takes on a powerful drug lord with a diabolical scheme to conquer the world.” Yep, that sums things up pretty well. Bond goes from his apartment in London to New York City (Harlem, in particular), the fictional country of San Monique (filmed in Jamaica), and then Louisiana to do battle with Kananga and his memorable band of villains.

Overall, I'll say that this was real up and down. There definitely are memorable moments (Bond escaping a thorny situation by running across the back of crocodiles, the bitchin' boat chase, and how this was a de facto Bond Blaxploitation movie. But, there are also some dumb moments. I mean, you have to believe that all this voodoo/tarot cards/mumbo jumbo is actually legit. For me I can't as I know it's all poppycock. The movie doesn't feel that way on those paranormal aspects, though. Then, there's Sheriff J.W. Pepper, who is odious comic relief. A little of him goes a long way; there's more than a little of him you see. Sure, him calling Bond “A doomsday machine” is funny, but otherwise... but to me the story just felt slight, you know. And wow what a poorly done, ridiculous poppycock silly villain death.

At least there are such things as Jane Seymour looking pretty hot, and an awesome title song/opening credits sequence, involving Paul McCartney and Wings. The score from George Martin is groovy, which is surprising considering it's a white dude from Britain, but there you go. I'll talk about where I rank all the Moore Bonds once I finish them who knows when, but I think this'll be somewhere in the middle.

I'll be back Sunday night.

Taken/Taken 2

Taken (2008)

58% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 168 reviews)

Runtime: 93 minutes

Directed by: Pierre Morel

Starring: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Katie Cassidy

From: 20^th Century Fox

Taken 2 (2012)

21% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 138 reviews)

Runtime: 91 minutes

Directed by: The greatly named Olivier Megaton

Starring: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Rade Serbedzija

From: 20^th Century Fox

So, I figured that today I should see the sequel to Taken on the big screen, given that's how I saw the first one and for the most part I enjoyed it. Now, I knew that 2 had gotten some strong mixed reaction, even amongst big action fans, but I still wanted to see for myself if it was any good or not. I went and saw it at a place which is a decent distance from where I live but they were showing it on a giant screen, so I figured that would be the best way to see it.

I rewatched the first one last night. I am sure I don't need to go too in-depth on what the plot is, of the daughter of Bryan Mills (and her pal) getting kidnapped in Paris and given that Bryan is an ex-CIA agent, he uses his set of specialized skills to track her down. The movie was ridiculous at times and there were a few points where I wish the action was easier to make out, but overall that vehicle gave a huge boost to Neeson's career and make him into an awesome old ass-kicker. It was also just fun to watch and it was nice how the early part of the movie took time to tell a story. Sure, it involved a 20-something woman playing a 17 year old who was the typical annoying teenager, but it's the thought that counts and like I said, I enjoyed it overall.

Taken 2, though... man did I not like this film at all. What a massive disappointment. To modify a memorable line from the first one, the sequel should never engage in dick measuring with Now, I haven't seen any films from the greatly named Olivier Megaton, but from realiable sources I know that his previous movies (including Columbiana and Transporter 3) weren't well-received. No wonder why... I am sure I don't need to go into the plot here either. Via circumstances not worth going into, Bryan Mills, his ex-wife and the laughably still a teenager Kim are in Istanbul and the father of a guy that Mills killed in the first film (it was Marco, the guy responsible for taking Kim) is looking for revenge so they attempt to kidnap all three.

Now, that idea is certainly a fine one and an interesting angle on how even if a bad guy gets killed, the family/friends of the bad guy will certainly feel upset and sad and wish for vengeance of their own. But here, that idea gets wasted... the movie is just plain stupid. I don't want to get into spoilers so I'll try to be vague, but there are times where Bryan Mills appears to have paranormal supernatural powers to figure out the crap he does and get out of thorny situations. I mean, it's to the point of insulting your intelligence. And, there are such things as still a teenager Maggie Grace (who is only a few years younger than I am, and I am 31) still not having a driver's license. The movie does a wishy-washy job of explaining why. Is it even a spoiler to say that of course in the movie she is forced to drive a car? And yeah, she is still an annoying character.

Sure, the story is stupid and totally implausible often; but I'd be more forgiving of that if the action was awesome and pulse-poundings. Well, maybe the action was that; problem is, it was impossible to tell because there was a whole lot of shaky-cam and incoherent editing going on. I mean, much more so than the first one. It was almost nauseating watching all that on a giant screen. That made me pretty mad. Then, how the movie ended... totally not satisfying, and I'll leave it at that. How can you screw up the climax so badly?

So yep, massive disappointment; stick with the first film and don't even bother with this one.

I'll be back Friday night.

Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Runtime: 96 minutes (at least that's the copy I saw on YouTube)

Directed by: Krishna Shah

Starring: E.J. Curse, Geno Andrews, Sam Mann, Jack Bliesener

From: Patel/Shah Film Company

Here is one of those really weird things you can find on YouTube; I only found out about this last week when someone wrote a review for it onthe website CHUD. I read the review, noted how bizarre the movie sounded, then decided to look for it on YouTube, and lo and behold, someone uploaded the full film on there. You really should read that article before reading the rest of this short take on the film; why go over what was explained so well in the article?

Once I watched the YouTube video, I agreed that the movie was really cheap and dopey, but hey, it managed to be rather entertaining for what it was, some slow/really dumb moments aside. There's quite a bit of comedy and some of it is real funny. It certainly wasn't boring with a plot involving a glam rock/metal band, zombies, Hitler, Eva Braun being a werewolf, a town called Grand Guignol, a hot blonde, and so much more.

As nice as that review was, there were various details that weren't mentioned. For example, the main love interest Cassie... she looked as if she was 14 or 15! No kidding. I have no idea if that was the plan or not; the big lyric in the tune is that “she's so young”, so maybe so. Also, one of the townspeople looks a lot like MMA superstar Chael Sonnen. There are plenty of gems like that you can see throughout. If you enjoy really bizarre and out-there films, then this is something you should check out.

I'll be back Wednesday night.

Two Documentaries & A Mockumentary

Machete Maidens Unleashed! (2010)

Runtime: 84 minutes

Directed by: Mark Hartley

Starring: A bunch of interviews, featuring the likes of Roger Corman, Joe Dante, and John Landis

From: City Film Worldwide/Film Finance/Film Victoria

American Grindhouse (2010)

Runtime: 80 minutes

Directed by: Elijah Drenner

Starring: A bunch of interviews, also featuring the likes of Joe Dante and John Landis; it's narrated by Robert Forster

From: Lux Digital Pictures

Lake Mungo (2008)

Runtime: 87 minutes

Directed by: Joel Anderson

Starring: Rosie Traynor, David Pledger, Martin Sharpe, Talia Zucker

From: Mungo Productions

Here are the last films I saw on Netflix before my monthly subscription expired today. Who knows when I'll sign up for it again. To my non-surprise I decided to see a pair of documentaries, and a mockumentary I heard real strong praise for in a messageboard thread.

Machete Maidens Unleashed is a 2010 documentary about the old Filipino movie system and how American companies went over there to film for cheap and when Ferdinand Marcos went into power and The Philippines became a dictatorship they have full cooperation of their government and even the usage of the nation's army. It's from the same people that made the great Not Quite Hollywood about the Australian film scene of old. To steal the plot recap from the IMDb:

“Karate-kicking midgets! Paper-mache monsters! Busty babes with blades! Filipino genre films of the '70s and '80s had it all. Boasting cheap labour, exotic scenery and non-existent health and safety regulations, the Philippines was a dreamland for exploitation filmmakers whose renegade productions were soon engulfing drive-in screens around the globe like a tidal schlock-wave! At last, the all-too-often overlooked world of drive-in filler from Manilla gets the Mark Hartley (NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD) treatment in Machete Maidens Unleashed! This is the ultimate insiders' account of a faraway backlot where stunt men came cheap, plot was obsolete and the make-up guy was packing heat! Machete Maidens Unleashed! features interviews with cult movie icons Roger Corman, Joe Dante, John Landis, Sid Haig, Eddie Romero and a large assembly of cast, crew and critics, each with a jaw-dropping story to tell about filmmaking with no budget... “

Yep, that sums things up pretty well. You see plenty of film clips of movies that look pretty wild, although I recently saw a movie that they featured (TNT Jackson) and that wasn't too good. You also get a look at the start of Corman's New World Pictures, as many of their early movies were filmed in that country. For a dork like me this was a real fun watch, as I got to learn many new things I did not know before.

The same goes for American Grindhouse, a look at exploitation movies from the silents all the way to 70's. Needless to say, a lot of material is covered in 80 minutes and while I do wish that more time was spent on each of the topics they discussed, it still was something I enjoyed as I once again learned information I had no knowledge of beforehand. It was fun hearing a discussion of how this unique thing started and why it was popular back in the day. I know that the DVD of the film has additional material that would be of interest to me. Now, just finding it without ordering it online...

Now, onto something completely different, an Australian film from a few years ago that I heard some really strong praise for on a messageboard. It's Lake Mungo, a film that wasn't really what I was led to believe it would be... it is mainly a drama with some supernatural elements about a 16 year old girl who drowns in a lake, and the impact that has on the girl's family. Some spooky things happen but not everything is as it appears to be and the 16 year old Alice has some secrets...

Now, the movie is fine. It looks legit from the way the footage looks to the natural acting. The story was interesting, at least at first. But, like I said it wasn't what I was expecting it to be based on word of mouth and advertising. I was expecting a horror mockumentary but instead it was more of a drama than anything else. Sure, I felt bad for the family but as you had various plot twists happen, the story began to lose more and more steam. Plus, it's mainly realistic as you'll see, but then there's a major jump scare that got me... but it stuck out as being different from everything else. There's a lot that wasn't explained, which was both good and bad depending on what it was. While it wasn't terrible I still felt underwhelmed given all the great praise I heard about it. It wasn't as awesome as many people say it is, sad to say.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

Lawrence of Arabia

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

Runtime: 222 minutes (at least I believe this was the length of the version I saw)

Directed by: David Lean

Starring: Peter O'Toole, Omar Sharif, Alec Guinness, Anthony Quinn

From: Columbia

Last night I finally got to see this film the way it should be seen... on the big screen. I wish I could have seen it in its original 70mm format but as that's unlikely, I instead went with Fathom Events and their one day only presentation of it all across the country. Besides the actual movie, they showed two trailers, had a few minutes of Martin Scorsese talking about the movie, showed some newsreel footage from back in the day, then there was a brief introduction from the still alive Omar Sharif, all 80 years old of him. There was also a 15 minute intermission. Thus, that is why I am not 100% sure how long it actually was. I know that it started at 7 and I did not leave the auditorium for good until 11:15. A real long night, but so worth it. It's now the longest movie I've ever seen in a theatre.

I don't really need to give a plot recount of T.E. Lawrence's exploits (or at least how he explained them then how things were modified for film); in fact, a great way to read a more scholarly take on the movie is to read this Filmsite Movie Review which goes into real detail about everything and has a nice intro which explains the film in a manner far greater than I could.

Instead, I'll mention that the movie is still an all-time classic. The story is so epic, the lead character so complex and interesting, you get to see his rise and then downfall for a variety of reasons... if you haven't seen it you really should. It is especially great to see it on the big screen; the vast desert landscapes really stand out in a big format, and it's just a beautiful film to look at. What else can I say about such a masterpiece? I am not quite sure. I can say it's coming out on Blu-Ray next month, which is the reason why they had this special showing. The print looks great.

I'll be back Sunday night.

11:14

11:14 (2003)

Runtime: 85 minutes

Directed by: Greg Marcks

Starring: Henry Thomas, Barbara Hershey, Hilary Swank, Rachael Leigh Cook

From: Media 8 Entertainment

Yep, another movie featuring Rachael; I figured today was the perfect time to post this (I watched this the night before; I'll explain tomorrow night why I wasn't able to watch this today and then post it tonight.) You see, today Rachael turns 33. She definitely does not look her age (something I can sympathize with) but it's true. As it's her birthday, I figured it would be perfect to talk about one of her films which I hadn't seen before.

It was a movie I had seen some .gifs of, the sort of .gifs that would appeal to me. I finally sat down and watched this film, and yep I did enjoy it more than for the reasons you'd suspect me for enjoying this. I mean, I just presumed this was mainly a drama but after giving it a view it's a real dark comedy. Sure, there are dramatic situations you see but there's a lot of pitch-black humor. That caught me off-guard but that was a big part why I dug this so much; not just it being a black comedy, but also that a lot of it is really funny, at least to a sick SOB like me.

The plot: A car crash happens at 11:14 PM and you look at five different people to see that many events happened to come together to allow for a lot more to happen than just one simple random accident. You see all five people cross each other's paths throughout while things are divided into five segments. What you see includes a convenience store, a graveyard (more on that in a bit), Patrick Swayze with his golden retriever pal, old donuts, and burning books. There's a lot more but I don't really want to spoil a whole lot as a big part of the film is watching it and figuring out how all the pieces fit together. There are surprises, that is for sure. It's the type of movie to see more than once, for sure.

I will reveal one thing to give a hint as to what sort of film this is. Pretty much all the characters you see aren't all that great as human beings and don't always do the right thing. Even Rachael (as Cheri; her parents are Swayze and Hershey; awesome) fits in that category. For example, she has sex with a guy... in a cemetery! No kidding. How that scene ends... it's a horrific thing but man did I laugh my ass off. You see things like that throughout, including one guy who has something really bad happen to his genitals, and in a rather astounding way. Like I said, dark stuff, but I dug it all and even if a different dame had played Cheri I'd rate this real highly. In hindsight, I should have seen this earlier in the year, but at least I got to write a little about a quality film that Ms. Cook appeared in. And what a memorable role. She doesn't wear much in the way of clothing, her boobs hanging out of her shirt. And during the sex scene, those boobs bouncing up and down in a rhythmic fashion... something I won't soon forget!

I'll be back tomorrow night.

Blood Games

Blood Games (1990)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Tanya Rosenberg

Starring: Gregory Scott Cummins, Laura Albert, Shelley Abblett, Ken Carpenter, Ross Hagen

From: Epic

Why yes, due to a recommendation I came across a few months ago, I watched this movie on Netflix Instant, one of the last I'll watch on there before I get rid of the service for awhile. I watched it because the plot is... and this is all true... it's about a team of sexy female baseball players who barnstorm across the country playing against whomever, and in this case they play against a birthday boy named Roy and his redneck pals in what looks like an overgrown meadow while a bunch of slovenly slobs watch on in the crowd. The girls kick some ass and the rednecks (who openly grope them many times) are mad. Roy even elbows a girl right in the face as she's running the bases. He gets a baseball to the gonads in retaliation. But, it's best to talk about this bizarre film in detail in bulletpoints.

• The people in the crowd... country bumpkins. One has on a King Cobra t-shirt (as in the malt liquor) with a navy blue vest over it and a Yosemite Sam “Back off!” hat and another guy has on a “Don't worry be happy hat” but that hat has various logos on it, including the standard lady silouette you see on mudflaps on 18 wheel trucks!
• One guy wears a Hot Rod shirt, after Roddy Piper. It was official WWF merchandise at the time. That guy's name is Holt. It seems like he has a rather homoerotic relationship with Roy. Later on you see
• Holt trips up a girl running the bases. To celebrate, he lifts up his shirt and rolls his belly... um, what? I belly-laughed, though.
• The rednecks lose 17-2! Roy then gets chastised by his war-fighting dad, MINO. By the way, the manager of the girl team... he calls himself MIDNIGHT. I have no explanation for these names.
• There is a shower scene. Yep. A pleasing sight! I can't tell where the scene is set at, but out of nowhere a white trash dude who was at the game (I know this as he had on a “The check is in the mail” hat; turns out, his name is Vern and he's legendary character actor George “Buck” Flower) appears out of nowhere and plays Peeping Tom. He gets caught and is literally given a cold shower.
• There is a scene in a biker bar. Roy and Hot Rod hang out and man, they might as well be the Ambiguously Gay Duo. A lot of homoeroticism going on. They chug beer together, throw popcorn at each other's faces... wow.
• Midnight goes into the men's room and barges in on Mino taking a crap. Midnight also has a gun. Midnight wins and Mino gets a swirlie! I swear this is true.
• Two of the girls almost get raped by Roy and Holt but Midnight saves the day, only to get stabbed. One of the dames does shoot Roy in the leg, though. The ambiguously gay duo try to gun down the ladies in the bus with shotguns and do hit the driver... but the bus then crushes Roy. Don't you hate it when that happens? Mino and the rednecks vow revenge.
• The bus drives off and drives throughout the night. They only stop to get assistance for the lady driver and for Midnight at an obviously abandoned gas station! Some white trash is there but they get dispensed easily. One is on the back of the bus but gets shot off and as he falls off he totally takes out a road sign.

From there you have Holt developing a homoerotic relationship with Vern and they play a rather wacky yet hilarious duo as they argue over such thing as masturbation (Holt claims that Vern “can't even beat his own meat”). Sad to say that relationship doesn't last too long. Holt has bad luck with friends... anyhow, the girls get stupidly tricked and they take the bus on a dead end road. Instead of at least trying to turn it around or at least staying on the bus, they decided to leave the bus and instead go hiking in the woods to the nearest town, which is far away. But of course. You get some wackiness but it definitely isn't like the first half of the film. Instead in the California woods the rednecks try to hunt down the girls while they try their damndest to fight back.

On a technical scale this movie is pretty terrible, from the dialogue to the plot to the goofy musical score to especially the sound mix; at times it is really hard to hear what the actors are saying. Yet, this strangely plotted film is pure cheese and if you love cheesy exploitation then this is something you should enjoy.

I'll be back tomorrow afternoon with something a little interesting.

The House of the Devil

The House of the Devil (2009)

Runtime: 95 minutes

Directed by: Ti West

Starring: Jocelin Donahue, Greta Gerwig, Tom Noonan, Mary Woronov

From: MPI Media Group

Here's a much-discussed horror movie from a few years ago that is still debated today. I hadn't seen any of director West's movies but those have been much debated too, especially considering many people have ripped his contributions to both V/H/S and The ABC's of Death, two horror anthologies that were released this year and have played the festival circuit and/or are available on demand. I knew what to expect from this film, so I decided to finally give it a go and watched it on Instant.

The plot: Samantha Hughes (Donahue) is a poor college student who needs some quick cash. She ends up calling about and getting a babysitting job. It is offered by an older couple who are rather off and just act and talk in a manner that is not quite right (Noonan, Woronov). The job is also not quite what it seems but she accept anyhow. Once they leave some strange things happen and Samantha has to try to deal with the situation.

I've heard throughout that this is a “slow burn” sort of thing that takes its time, and some people found such a style to be boring. This also is more the style of a movie from the 70's or 80's and it isn't flashy or neat like many horror movies of late have been. That idea is all well and good, but... while I say that doing something different from the slick edited way too much sort of horror flick you get these days is something I support, this thing is just... so... damn... boring. It's glacially slow, from the beginning to the end. You see throughout that shots are way too long; even her walking around her campus seems longer than it should be, as if the running time was padded out to make this feature-length. If this was a half hour short it would have been much better; the actual plot would have been sufficient for something 30 minutes long, not 95.

It takes forever for her to accept the job and then arrive there. After that, you get a LOT of boredom. Sure, there are some odd noises around the house but otherwise it's a whole lot of nothing. She walks around the house, orders pizza, dances around to The Fixx while listening to their most famous song on her Walkman (this is set in the early 80's) and that's pretty much it for at least a half hour. Finally, the final act kicks in and actual things happen... however, they are really stupid nonsensical things and the ending makes zero sense at all and it make me hate this total waste of time. Why so many people lost their minds and went bananas over this deathly dull sleep-including claptrap... I'll never comprehend. What was supposed to be a slow burn to the point that you're ready to wet your pants due to fear that I've heard and read from a plethora of reviews... it made me want to either shut it off or fall asleep. I haven't seen too many movies from the time period it was trying to emulate, but none of them were this damn boring and at least those built up suspense well or were entertaining or actually had events taking place. 

Don't listen to the majority, this is a total waste of time. The 80's songs you hear are cool and the performances by and large were at least fine, and it did seem like a movie from the early 80's. Otherwise... a total waste of time.

I'll be back Wednesday night.