Top Secret!

Top Secret! (1984)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: ZAZ

Starring: Val Kilmer (RIP), Lucy Gutteridge, Chrisotpher Villiers, Omar Sharif, Peter Cushing

From: Paramount

RIP Val Kilmer

As a child of the 80’s and 90’s, I first saw him on screen via the theatrical experience of Willow in 1988 at the age of 7. After that it was films like Tombstone, Top Gun, Heat, and Batman Forever, the latter another theatrical viewing. Then, The Island of Dr. Moreau happened… among all its other issues was Val engaging in a metaphorical phallus-measuring contest with a legendary temperamental actor in Marlon Brando; that alone ruined his Hollywood career. As that allegedly wasn’t the only instance of bad behavior, that’s why his career never recovered. I was still sad that he had those bad health issues for years before passing away. That inexplicable character he portrayed in The Snowman… that one can never be explained. Thankfully he got a nice send-off in Top Gun: Maverick.

Despite viewing The Naked Gun movies (BTW, the coming out this August… I just saw the trailer, and no thank you) along with Airplane in the past, Top Secret was a first-time watch. If you’ve never tackled Secret at all, it is important to note that it is a level of parody comparable to the ZAZ films I just mentioned. East Germany wishes to reunite w/ West Germany and their plans would coincide with a big cultural festival. Kilmer-in his film debut-was Nick Rivers, a big rock star whose song Skeet Surfin’ is heard in the opening credits. That spoofs several Beach Boys tunes.

Indeed, Rivers becomes mixed up with this insidious plot. I don’t want to give away too many of the gags or why the film’s main poster features a cow; I can say that the movie is quite funny as these old spoofs used to be until they became rotten in the 21st century. There’s a wide variety of jokes, including some wild ideas that (mostly) land. An underwater fight is marvelous.

As the movie mainly parodied both World War II dramas about the war and the cornball 60’s Elvis pictures, thankfully Kilmer nailed his role. As he was a graduate of Julliard, he also nailed the songs he sang and the moments which required dancing. There are only a few other famous faces although it’s always great seeing Michael Gough, Omar Sharif and Peter Cushing.

As it’s a ZAZ film, of course there are crude, ribald moments; also like in ZAZ films, that doesn’t overwhelm the movie as many of the gags aren’t more silly than crude or ribald. As I’ve said a decent amount of times on Letterboxd, shame that it took a death for me to view a film I found to be quite enjoyable. In the future, I will of course see more of Val’s work-perhaps even some obscure efforts. Again, Rest in Peace to Val Kilmer.

A Trio of Stooge Shorts

A Gem of a Jam: 

(Short # 76 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

This short is far from a gem, although the end result is still good. The blue collar jobs that the boys have this time is “janitors;’ they work in the doctor’s office of “Hart-Burns & Belcher.” After a shootout, one of three bandits is wounded so they storm into the office and despite their protests, the crooks refuse to hear that they’re not doctors so antics occur when the other two are out of the room.

The first ten minutes has some nice laughs, such as Curly being scanned by the 1943 version of an X-ray machine, Curly’s mugging for and the fate of the wounded criminal. Then, the rest was just weird. For some reason, in the same building as the doctor’s office is a large room full of “Mannikins and Wax Models” which also has a huge jack in the box that pops up for a gag. 

Curly falls into plaster of Paris which leads to some wacky moments but the main highlight there is Black actor Dudley Dickerson w/ a larger role than the standard bit part he got. His characters were sadly emblematic of the era yet he still did his role well-in this case as the building’s watchman. 

They made 10 of these shorts in 1943, which was a record. 1944 and 1945 had far less, due in part to the Stooges making appearances to support the war effort… and Curly’s health declining. Yeah, those sad times are coming and I remember ’44 as having more than one lousy short… but one classic too.

Crash Goes the Hash: 

(Short # 77 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

“Such levity… you remind me of The Three Stooges!”

This was another occasion where the boys portrayed members of the paparazzi. Actually, they were tradesman who were mistaken as journalists by Fuller Bull, the chief of the Daily News; his regular reporters have all been injured attempting to snap a photo of “Prince Shaam of Ubeedarn” (the name’s a hint) who is rumored to marry a local socialite. 

This means that most of the short is set at a soiree full of rich people. Once again they poke fun at the wealthy which must have delighted the common folk at the theater even during World War II. Their confusion over canapes results in peas being placed on dog biscuits. Bud Jamison-in sadly his last role; he would die of cancer later in ’44-is the prince’s majordomo who noted that Moe, Larry, & Curly reminded him of The Three Stooges, which they took offense to. A rare fourth wall breaking, but a funny one.

As time is spent in the kitchen, that is usually a recipe for success and it was here. They cosplayed as a cook & butlers, so there’s plenty of laughs involving lemonade, the canapes, a parrot that climbs into a turkey, etc. Some old gags return, although done in a different way. There is a larger amount of slapstick moments than typical; mix in an amusing plot and it was more upsetting IRL than on screen that Curly at some points talked in his normal off-camera Jerome Howard voice because seemingly his health was starting to decline.

Busy Buddies: 

(Short # 78 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

This short started off fine, then it ran out of steam. The first few minutes was the trio running a restaurant, where they are bad at their job so they require taking a second job hanging posters, where they stumble upon a… milking contest where the winner receives $100. Sure. Curly attempts to milk a BULL, which yes reminded me of a scene in Kingpin, a film only seen once in the late 90’s but that scene left an impression. The bull tosses Curly over the fence during each failed attempt. 

The final few minutes are the competition, which… only has two competitors, the one other opponent is a dude who looks like a 1920’s strongman dressed like Bluto, and they are in a boxing ring, and there are rounds… it makes as little sense as it does via description. Then, the cows are switched out between rounds, allowing for Moe and Larry to… dress up in an obvious cow costume. “Juvenile” is a word used to describe these antics.

Busy Buddies isn’t totally bereft of laughs or even chuckles. Curly uses fancy terms for food in the diner that presumably was legit era used by the chef and staff in diners of the time-those were cute, along with the cows on screen. However, many of their shorts are better than this and don’t have baffling moments like the milking contest portrayed here.

I Spit on Your Grave

I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

Runtime: 101 minutes

Directed by: Meir Zarchi

Starring: Camille Keaton, Eron Tabor, Richard Pace, Anthony Nichols, Gunter Kleeman

From: The Jerry Gross Organization

Until last night I had never seen I Spit on Your Grave, and that’s no April Fools joke. This admission will be surprising due to my viewing of the original Last House on the Left plus films like Thriller: A Cruel Picture & Ms. 45 in the past. The title’s been familiar to me for ages yet due in part to its lack of easy availability on the streaming front, the trigger was never pulled… or in this case, the knife was never plunged into the heart. However, Arrow’s streaming site just put the film on their service; as nothing was on the agenda for last night, the infamous cult classic was finally experienced… or perhaps it should be “endured.”

Camille Keaton portrayed Jennifer Hills, a New York City writer who rents a cabin in bucolic rural Connecticut to write her first novel. Immediately she runs into a quartet of horrible human beings. This is a trio of real A-holes who utter the vilest misogynistic comments plus a mentally handicapped dude who tags along. It’s not long before the harassment starts then a LONG segment of repeated sexual assault. Besides the raw, visceral nature was the length. Your opinion on whether the attack needed to be this graphic or be that large a percentage of the runtime will determine your opinion of the movie.

Ratings have always been all across the board—Ebert despised Grave while a number of people just on Letterboxd find it to be a classic.
Me… while I am unsure if the intent for the segment necessitated such a presentation, the goal of upsetting the viewer was incredibly successful at least for my tastes, and the sweet, sweet revenge was satisfying. As the filmmaking wasn’t always great-to say the least-and the majority of the acting is best described as “inexperienced,” thank goodness then that Keaton was in the lead role. A lesser actress & the film would have lost me as the first half would have lost me, never to win me back once the revenge occurred.

Anyone’s opinion of the film is valid, whether love, hate, or somewhere in-between. While it is not something for me to watch again (at least in full) due to its content-and rape/revenge movies by design are rarely tackled by me-the film wasn’t a disappointment in terms of “entertainment” and also infamy. Kent, Connecticut and the surrounding environs are at least scenic woods and are charming as long as you don’t connect them with this film in particular.

I Spit on Your Grave had a sequel released just several years ago, along with a remake which itself spawned two sequels. The chance of seeing those are low, although my opinion could always change. Oh, and this was originally released as… Day of the Woman, which isn’t a great title. A few years later another distributor came up with its current all-timer of an unforgettable title. Note that I’ve heard the woman in the famed poster of the film where only her back is seen is none other than… DEMI MOORE! No kidding.

Princess Mononoke is Still Excellent

As I discovered last night: 

I was happy to revisit the film I rated at 5 stars when viewed on the big screen way back in January 2017. The rating is still the same even if this time on an IMAX screen the version was dubbed in English… and that script was done by, ahem, Neil Gaiman. I haven’t viewed every Miyazaki and not everything I did see was loved by me. That said, Mononoke is the best, at least from what's been experienced. These IMAX screenings have done well; what timing that this run began right after the controversy over some A-hole AI company using the Studio Ghibli anime style but more on that at the end.

Much to my relief, the movie was as magical as the first time. It was a more complex than expected tale (a simple allegory, it is not) of a prince who becomes cursed then goes on an odyssey to try and find a cure—to copy and paste what I wrote in 2017: 

“From there he runs into a bunch of memorable and awesome characters, both human and otherwise. The story is mature and the characters aren't black and white; all are layered and you can understand all their viewpoints, whether or not you agree with them. In addition, what you may think early on, your opinion could flip-flop.

It's a story set in feudal Japan so you get such things as samurai, beautiful forests... and some graphic things that you expect to see in other samurai movies. This is definitely more violent than a typical Studio Ghibli picture. But alongside the typical feudal Japan stuff is various mystical creatures. Various themes are present (such as being anti-war and pro-environment) but they aren't hammered home in an obnoxious overbearing manner.” 

My opinion hasn’t changed in the preceding eight years. In fact, modern me further appreciates a movie which doesn’t hammer home a message and scream it in your ears for two hours-that is a major modern Hollywood problem. The story still intrigued along with thrilling me, the score was still aces, the sense of wonder hadn’t diminished. Princess Mononoke looked stunning in a 4K print on an IMAX screen. The dubbed version seemed fine-note that I am NOT an expert on English dubs of Japanese media by any stretch of the imagination-although of course subtitles is the preferred way. If you can view the movie during its week-long run in IMAX, that is a must.

What timing that a few days before the IMAX ran began, OpenAI released a program where a user can take a photo and turn it into various anime styles, including Studio Ghibli. This caused an uproar and people were mad; once they were reminded or learned for the first time that Miyazaki himself once said that AI was “an insult to life”… no wonder anime fans were irate. At least there’s plenty of tremendous images for me to see from the studio (whether from Miyazaki or another director) that isn’t an artificial re-creation done for memes and laughs.

Christine

Christine (1983)

Runtime: 110 minutes

Directed by: John Carpenter

Starring: Keith Gordon, John Stockwell, Alexandra Paul, Robert Prosky, Harry Dean Stanton

From: Columbia

This film leaving Shudder after Monday was the reason for me to finally discuss it online; Christine was a wise revisit for a Saturday night. The last viewing was many, many years ago.

The story isn’t that complex: a nerdy 17-year-old named Arnold stumbles upon a beat-up 1958 Plymouth Fury named Christine; besides the poor idea of purchasing a rust-bucket of a vehicle from a character portrayed by Roberts Blossom, the opening showed the viewer that the vehicle was possessed by an evil spirit from the day it was assembled at the auto plant. The opening act presented the nature of how much an outcast Arnie Cunningham was; he feels smothered by his parents, is bullied by the typical 80’s high school bullies, and only fortune is having his lone friend Dennis be a jock. There’s also some dialogue that is so crass, it could only come from the mouths of teenage boys; at least in the late 90’s, this was still true-I know personally!

As Arnie restores the Fury, he not only becomes obsessed (in a Titane sort of way! No, I haven’t seen the movie as I’ve heard more than enough to know it’s a gigantic NOPE for me) but becomes a haughty jerk. As deaths occur and Arnie’s behavior deteriorates, it was important for the viewer to care about Dennis along with new girl Leigh; thankfully this occurs. Keith Gordon is stellar as Arnold, although John Stockwell and Alexandra Paul both delivered as Dennis & Leigh. They helped when the story became quite frankly outlandish as the supernatural aspects are turned on louder like the radio in Christine.

To state the obvious, John Carpenter as the director was also a key asset. Besides the quality filmmaking, there’s the quality synth score from him and Alan Howarth. In addition, the soundtrack was aces. It was either late 50’s songs that Christine the car played in hilarious moments of trolling people or catchy then-modern songs from the likes of George Thorogood, ABBA, Tanya Tucker, and The Rolling Stones.

A small but memorable turn from Harry Dean Stanton, another hysterical character portrayed by Robert Prosky, a savage take-down of 50’s boomer nostalgia & America’s obsession over the automobile, the haunting nature of the film, the glorious practical effects… shame on me for not revisiting this in early 2020, after seeing one of the 1958 Plymouth Fury cars used in the film on sale at a famous auto auction—Mecum in Kissimmee, to be exact.

Phony Express

(Short # 75 in Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk: The Columbia Shorts of The Three Stooges)

Given the reference to the Pony Express, I knew that the Wild West would be the setting; there’s my knowledge of 19th century American history. However, the brief phenomenon of delivering mail in the West via couriers on horses traveling as fast as possible has no impact on the plot. Instead, a pair of bankers living in a bandit-infested town ironically named Peaceful Gulch take a wanted poster (for vagrancy) of the Stooges to fool Red Morgan and his gang.

They interact w/ a snake-oil salesman (where a random concoction is mixed in his wagon) and Morgan/his hoodlums in a saloon before they are forced to search for the heels after they robbed the bank. Curly literally acts like a bloodhound-for about 2 minutes and interacts w/ a skunk-before finding Morgan’s cabin.

While not top-tier by any means, laughs are still present throughout via various routines plus the standard slapstick, whether old or new. Chuckles are to be had via such devices as beer mugs, stoves and Snub Pollard; yes, the Australian-born vaudeville comedian turned silent star appeared in several different Stooge shorts. He later had bit parts in everything from Singing in the Rain to Inherit the Wind. He’s the town sheriff who has lumbago; that’s a funny word for “lower back pain,” something that many suffer from… present company included.

Twister's Revenge!

Twister’s Revenge! (1988)

Runtime: 90 minutes

Directed by: Bill Rebane

Starring: Dean West, Meredith Orr, David Alan Smith, R. Richardson Luka, Jay Gjernes

From: MTP Productions

Viewing an AI-upscaled version of a movie w/ an AI-controlled monster truck: it isn’t ironic, but “appropriate” probably works. Yes, I do realize that at least on Twitter, there has been a s***storm of Biblical proportions over the AI involved in the arts after OpenAI released a program that could generate Studio Ghibli art from any photo. Many feel this is an insult to Miyazaki himself, his style being ripped off, and for frickin’ memes; this may be something I discuss in the near-future in another review but 4K AI upscales-admittedly, those can turn out horribly, which is another insult to the arts-are far different from that.

A YouTube channel (which won’t be named; as of posting, can be found via an easy search) not only upscaled Twister’s to 4K along with other movies of similar quality, but also episodes of such shows as The Fall Guy. I’ve seen Bill Rebane films before and while Monster a Go-Go doesn’t count due to its troubled production history, The Giant Spider Invasion and The Capture of Bigfoot have their campy charms and it is uplifting to hear that someone emigrated from Latvia to Northern Wisconsin and had a filmmaking career for a few decades, at least for fans of regional filmmakers.

Revenge is really, really stupid; let’s not mince words here. A trio of villains that might as well be named Moe, Larry & Curly seek to steal the computers that control a monster truck named Mr. Twister. Note that due to “artificial intelligence” (to quote the lady w/ 80’s hair that created this using two different computers plus an oscilloscope) Mr. Twister is also sentient and talking to its driver Dave, because Knight Rider was still popular despite already being cancelled by this point. I watched Knight Rider in syndication as a little kid, by the way.

The movie is low-brow entertainment for children (although perhaps not, given some images and moments) which is quite flawed in terms of acting, logic, plot, story beats, editing, music, sound, etc. Heck, the opening credits even misspell “photography” as “photograpy.” Be that as it may, the opening few minutes were at a country fair not too dissimilar to the one in my town as a kid (some of the rides were the same; they didn’t have monster truck events but there was a rodeo, a demolition derby and a country concert which included the likes of The Oak Ridge Boys & Billy Ray Cyrus), the local scenery was charming, and there was a hearty laugh at recognizing locations used in The Giant Spider Invasion.

As I am someone who laughs at such things as exaggerated Wisconsin accents & characters drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, that helped me enjoy this utter nonsense, which also had some low-budget action and destruction. An unexpected delight: a scene out of nowhere set at what looked like a country music bar-where for some reason the customers were usually dressed in wacky outfits-and even more improbably, the act on stage was a bad New Wave band, led by a tall, heavyset woman. Weird, sincere moments like these sometimes go a long way in charming me.