Portrait in Crystal

Portrait in Crystal (Shui Jing Ren) (1983)

Runtime: 84 delirious minutes

Directed by: Hua Shan

Starring: Jason Pai Piao, Lau Yuk-Pok, Wang Yong, Chen Szu-Chia, Teng Wei-Hao

From: Shaw Brothers

This sure was a bizarre early 80’s Shaw Brothers film. I mean, not all the entries in that category have been viewed by me, but I’m referring to the likes of The Boxer’s Omen & Buddha’s Palm here. If you thought those films featured inscrutable plots hard to follow, wait until you see Portrait in Crystal!

Ostensibly, the story concerns a pair of dudes who create crystal statues--the leader of the two decides to bleed on the statue to “give it more life”… even though his chubby pal correctly noted the lore that this would make the statue come to life. As the statue was of a woman, we see a female in a cool outfit kill a bunch of dudes, but there are reasons why this occurs. That isn’t told in a clear fashion, nor are the misadventures that the duo engage in. No one-at least on Letterboxd-seems to have a firm grasp of the plot, as a matter of fact. 

While not as bonkers entertaining as The Boxer’s Omen, the film still has great sets, looks better than most modern movies, has an interesting score (whether or not it uses uncredited music from elsewhere is unknown), fun action, moves as a nice clip and is never boring. This has everything from laser animations-always popular in this region of the world during the time period-to a torture sequence straight out of a pinku movie, to borrow a phrase. Also, a dude wears a featureless white face mask, for reasons that become obvious in the final act.

This Hua Shan joint is a lot of fun; he is best known for the wildly entertaining Super Inframan but from multiple Letterboxd mutuals, he also directed some other wacky films, especially Bloody Parrot-like this film, a recent addition to Arrow’s streaming service. More than one stated in their reviews for Crystal that Parrot was a superior film/experience-one day I’ll find out.

Spinal Tap II: The End Continues

Spinal Tap II: The End Continues (2025)

66% on Rotten Tomatoes (out of 134 reviews) 

Runtime: 84 minutes

Directed by: Rob Reiner

Starring: The gang from the first film, plus many others, including mostly pointless cameos

From: Bleecker Street

I’d rather discuss other things rather than this movie. Now I’ll mention that I made it back home to Florida fine-albeit, a long flight delay meant that stepping foot at home didn’t occur until after 3AM! It was still better than my flight back last December; I suffered the worst case of food poisoning in my life and it wasn’t a pretty sight-no, I didn’t have the grilled halibut. I’ll mention some details concerning the trip to Kansas at the end of the review, for anyone that cares. Now, it’s the time to mention that while Spinal Tap the band hasn’t been seen by me elsewhere aside from the 1984 original movie, that original movie is great-a droll mockumentary so authentic to the irrationality of a successful rock band, several acts before and after 1984 thought the movie was about them. A sequel would have been created much sooner, if not for rights issues that took three full decades (!) to resolve.

That’s why I’m especially disappointed that the film mostly missed the mark for me. The idea of a band reuniting for one last concert is a fine one, & rock and roll bands have had feuding members for the better part of the last 70 years. As stated often by me, comedy is the most subjective of genres-while II contained some chuckles, the majority of the humor just did not entertain me. Some of the potential even felt squandered. What sank the movie for me was the music producer character who based on his name was a spoof of Simon Cowell. This film’s Simon was a dumb and not funny caricature of a music producer; I loathed that character.

Furthermore, the references to such modern-day aspects as cryptocurrency and K-Pop felt like senior citizens addressing those topics—that means “not cool.” This is a modern movie trope I haven’t mentioned yet, but only due to my avoidance of such films: a conflict, whether it’s built up throughout or suddenly begins, is resolved quickly and felt superfluous. Sadly, that occurred here. AND, the onslaught of cameos from famous musicians mostly felt pointless.

To reiterate, some chuckles were present and the catchy tunes (whether old or new) were nice. As a whole, though, The End Continues sadly does not go to 11-apologies for the low-hanging fruit of a joke that might may be look like a hack. In fact, I’d rather smell the glove than ever watch this again, while the OG effort will forever be rewatchable.

As for the annual sojourn to Kansas, as always it was nice to see my sister & her family, even if all three of my nephews are a handful. The ability to drive a car out there this time meant that a few interesting locations were visited along the way, not just in Kansas. Getting to see a cleaning robot (w/ cute face) at a Quik Trip gas station was neat, and stumbling across a Golden Chick restaurant was unexpected-it is a small chain based in Texas which has an outpost in Wichita. Visiting a Jack in a Box and Whataburger was rare… even if the former is opening an outpost in Orlando and the latter might return to Central Florida.

However, a Holy Grail place was visited in Dallas: In-N-Out! Somehow, one had never been visited before in my almost 45 years on this planet. After the hope for years that one would be had: the fries were good (as long as they aren’t cold) and the pink lemonade was good… but the burger was quite tasty. That does help demonstrate why the chain is so beloved, even if I still do get why some find the onslaught of praise through the decades at least a bit overwrought. All the fun and travel the past 3 weeks aside, I’m happy for a return to normalcy for at least the rest of 2025.

The Man with the Golden Arm

The Man with the Golden Arm (1955)

Runtime: 119 minutes

Directed by: Otto Preminger

Starring: Frank Sinatra, Eleanor Parker, Kim Novak, Arnold Stang, Darren McGavin

From: United Artists

I saw Man on Turner Classic Movies this morning; they had a marathon of Sinatra movies due to today being his birthday. It's a famous anti-drug screed from the past that had never been seen before now. While of course it being a product of 1950's Hollywood this is far less explicit than something like Christiane F or Trainspotting, the message is still effective.

Ol' Blue Eyes portrayed the somewhat improbably-named FRANKIE MACHINE, a heroin addict who takes the rap for a rat fink and becomes clean while serving his time in prison. Technically, “heroin” is never said and in the novel this is based on, the drug was morphine, but the context clues suggest H. He tries to stay clean and become a jazz drummer; however, he still has his old friends and some of them are also rat finks. He also has a wife in a wheelchair (Eleanor Parker), although Kim Novak-a flame from the past-seems to be a better partner for him, not because of his wife requiring a wheelchair.

As others have proclaimed, Darren McGavin as the guy who forced H on an addict attempting to recover for good might as well have twirled his mustache if he could. The movie was still controversial for its time in its frank depiction of drug addiction-including attempting to go cold turkey-and demonized the drug rather than the individuals hooked to the poison. The cast was swell... Frank Sinatra as the lead, McGavin, Parker, Novak, and while I finally noticed that Arnold Stang resembled a tortoise w/ glasses, he did a fine job as Frankie's annoying/energetic lackey. 

Buttressed by solid direction from Otto Preminger and a great score from Elmer Bernstein, The Man with the Golden Arm is well worthy of your time if the premise/individuals involved pique your interest whatsoever. It also has a sweet opening credits sequence from the legendary Saul Bass.

 

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Runtime: 89 minutes

Directed by: Amy Heckerling

Starring: A great, deep cast

From: Universal

I'd love floor seats to Van Halen for $12.50.

This was a film viewed by me many years ago; slice of life pictures aren't always my bag and despite some memorable moments (especially “that one scene”) I was lukewarm at best with the movie. However, now my movie tastes have changed and Fast Times is now better appreciated by me.

Based on Cameron Crowe's book of the same name where he went undercover as a high school kid (!) the film shows the lives of a gaggle of students at the titular high school, from freshmen through seniors. They're teenagers, so naturally the focus is on sex and relationships, although such topics as “cool cars”, jobs, and difficult teachers are also addressed. A key aspect is that the characters felt real & relatable. A few people are painted as jerks but all (even Ray Walston's amusingly grumpy Mr. Hand) are shown to have their good qualities also. Judge Reinhold's Brad acts more confident than he should for someone that crashes out at customers at his fast food job, but he is nice towards his sister Jennifer Jason Leigh and won't tell their parents about her rather serious elective medical procedure.

I went to high school in Illinois instead of So Cal but how messy and chaotic those teen years/school could be felt real. People fought over a woman, a near-brawl happens during school hours, a dude is too shy/nervous to ask a woman out so she thinks he doesn't like her, a stoner is happy to flaunt his truancy, and yes, what I'll call “self-gratification!” Teen sex was addressed honestly, including the consequences. I was a fool for not fully appreciating the movie, its authenticity, the mix of laughs and drama, the cast full of famous faces, including more than a few who would become quite famous in later years. It is amazing that nerdy Mark Ratner was based on someone who later wrote some computer books in the For Dummies series-Andy Rathbone.

The So Cal setting was charming, as was all the period fashion and the joke that several high school girls modeled their appearance after Pat Benatar. Related, the soundtrack was great; I enjoyed most of the tunes that were from a wide variety of artists, including several people that were in the Eagles. That created a good mood for me, even during the film's most sobering scenes. As said too often by me, this rewatch was long overdue, especially considering my opinion is now more in line with the general consensus. Director Amy Heckerling also deserves her props for the swell job she did. As astounding as this will sound, somewhere in the multiverse, DAVID LYNCH would have been the director; honest.

We Got the Beat from The Go Go's was a great opening credits song, but at the risk of sounding like a Gross Man, “that one scene” of Phoebe Cates in her red bikini—the scene and the usage of Moving in Stereo from The Cars will forever be legendary. I want to stress that she did well in her role-I'm not being all heart eyes about her because she was (& still is) an attractive woman.

Final Destination

Final Destination (2000)

Runtime: 98 minutes

Directed by: James Wong

Starring: Devon Sawa, Ali Larter, Kerr Smith, Kristen Cloke, Seann William Scott

From: New Line Cinema

I don't even need to ask... people will be appalled that I had never seen ANY Final Destination movie until today. I knew of several deaths throughout the franchise due to cultural osmosis (chiefly, the one involving the logging truck) but I've never been interested. Perhaps it was visiting the liberal video store in college one evening, where they were playing the installment that had the opening where some woman stopped her car on an entrance ramp and backed up many cars behind her... that was so dumb it turned me off of all those films. However, it was over 20 years ago so seeing this on my sister's HBO Max account gave me the inspiration to say that I at least gave one of these a chance.

The opening act, I wasn't expecting to hear such topics as “use the bathroom before going on a flight to Paris... you don't want a 'hot chick' to smell your stinky poo if they use the airplane lavatory right after you!”, see Seann William Scott wear the classic New York Rangers alternate jersey (the one with the Statue of Liberty's face on the front) or spot a poster of the John Waters movie Pecker hanging in Devon Sawa's room at the beginning. 

Of course, I knew the premise that Sawa had a premonition-correct, in this case-that his airplane bound for Paris would blow him... due to circumstances, including that of the aggro male type, several others get off the plane with him and Death fixes that mistake via preposterous kills. Yes, after viewing, I read up on some of the lore... how the original idea was proposed for an X-Files episode, the “180” references are due to the film's original title, and the perhaps questionable decision to base part of the plane's explosion on the real-life 1996 TWA Flight 800 explosion, including the usage of stock footage from that used as news footage in a scene. The decision to use John Denver's music when he died in a plane crash... that can also be debated.

Final Destination the movie is quite silly; that aggro male behavior, the decision to name your daughter CLEAR RIVERS (although yes, I understand the concept of “hippie parents”), those elaborate deaths, the realization that the scene in the airport lavatory was actually foreshadowing a kill. That said, Destination did address survivors' guilt, Sawa's obsession over the incident, and the impact of that tragedy. The premise is of course a great one; even the writers have admitted they were “inspired” by the moody 1984 horror movie Soul Survivor, which is one I recommend.

Ultimately, I was entertained by Final Destination, including how “2000” it was. Of course, I knew that Tony Todd was a familiar face in the franchise; it was bittersweet that Bloodlines allowed him to have a quality send-off both for his mortician character and of Todd himself. His one scene part was a macabre delight. Don't expect me to check out the sequels-that doesn't mean that the second installment will never be checked out far in the future-but I was amused... including Sawa referring to Death as “you f***” during a crazed rant. 

After all, using the names of people involved in horror movies from many decades ago for character names here was a charming touch.

Larceny, Inc.

Larceny Inc. (1942) 

Runtime: 95 minutes

Directed by: Lloyd Bacon

Starring: Edward G. Robinson, Broderick Crawford, Edward Brophy, Jack Carson, Jane Wyman

From: Warner Bros.

It's time for me to catch up on movies I've seen while in Kansas. So far, it's been two, although I hope to view then review one sometime Thursday proper.

As I am now in Wichita-and will be until I fly back to Florida on Friday-I have the opportunity to see more than one movie and participate on this platform again. The drive here was as exhausting as in August of last year, including the traffic and all the hours on the road. I'll give more details in a later review but I visited some locations that can't be experienced in Florida.

Larceny played on Turner Classic Movies this morning. As the movie was a comedic version of a heist movie and featured quite a few recognizable faces, I was happy to see an old-timey picture. Turns out, not only is this a Christmas film, Larceny was quite delightful. Robinson plays a hoodlum nicknamed PRESSURE who teams up with his lunkheaded friend JUG and their pal WEEPY to purchase a luggage store once the first two are released from prison... instead of proving that they're reformed and wish to succeed in a legitimate business, a bank is next door and they wish to rob it via drilling in the basement. I've heard that Woody Allen's 2000 movie Small Time Crooks was “heavily inspired” by Larceny.

The absurdity is that despite their best efforts, they were victims of circumstance & the luggage business becomes a success for them. The film-by my tastes-is hysterical, the humor still landing after over 80 years. Not a surprise that Woody would want to remake it, credited or otherwise. Robinson of course nailed his smooth-talking debonair part. Broderick Crawford was a delight as the dim-witted Jug and I was quite amused by Edward Brophy as Weepy. There's also Jane Wyman as Pressure's moll, Anthony Quinn as a foil, Jack Carson, Harry Davenport, George Meeker, and several faces I won't reveal here who would become famous (or in one case, much more famous) in later decades. This Warner Brothers production offered many of their stock players. To my delight, Fred Kelsey had a small part-I best know him for appearing in a few Three Stooges shorts.

I was happy to have finally seen this underrated early 40's comedy from Lloyd Bacon where Robinson was swell at spoofing his tough guy persona; this includes dressing up as Santa Claus at one point. It's unknown how many more reviews will be done in the upcoming week--to reiterate, I'm doing fine in Kansas at the moment.

Chimpanzee

Before I post my review for the 2012 DisneyNature documentary Chimpanzee, an announcement: Now's the time for me to announce that until Saturday, December 13th, I won't be on Letterboxd as frequently. It's vacation time; I'll explain later why I'll be even more preoccupied with other things than the previous times I was on vacation. I still hope to post some reviews, but they won't be daily by any means-the next one won't be for a few days.

The review for Chimpanzee: 
 

Now felt like the time to see another DisneyNature documentary. A few have been viewed; as I always say when diving into that world, the more serious, “adult” sort of nature documentaries (such as the ones narrated by Sir David Attenborough) are more my speed. That said, what DisneyNature does is still good and full of great footage of animals & the worlds they inhabit. The narration from celebrities can be too goofy at times and/or cloying-I can comprehend that it’s for an all-ages audience and to list a specific example, I’d be fine with my four nephews & one niece viewing something like Chimpanzee.

Chimpanzee follows a young member of the species named Oscar. The viewer follows his clan as we see the stunning jungle habitat they reside in (the Tai National Forest in Ivory Coast), feuds w/ other clans, some peril, etc. Along the way, educational facts are presented. As I’ve stated in other reviews, the assumption is that more than one chimpanzee was used as “Oscar.” Other nature documentaries do craft narratives, after all. It is wacky that they decided to have a villain named… SCAR.

Celebrities always provide the narration; in this case, it was… Tim Allen. I know, a controversial figure now but he was fine as a narrator. At one point, he does impersonate Tim “The Toolman” Taylor; perhaps those in power wanted him to do that to placate audiences. My carping, re: certain details of these documentaries don’t mean that I don’t like them as infrequent viewing or that they don’t have anything to educate/entertain me, let alone Joe Q. and Jane Public. While not theatrical releases anymore, DisneyNature still makes these documentaries. It won’t be a future project to view all of them—but that doesn’t mean rare viewings won’t occur.